*
*
Pam wakes up in the middle of the night with a slight twinge somewhere deep inside her. If this wasn’t her second pregnancy, she would have been alarmed, but having gone through this before she brushes off the pain and drifts off to sleep. It’s not until a half hour later that she wakes with a noticeably stronger sting. Too intense ignore. It’s as if someone is pulling her internal strings, slowly tearing her skin apart. She tries to prop herself up, but her efforts are futile.
“Jim,” she mumbles, but no response. “Jim,” she calls a little louder, reaching for him.
He groans in the back of his throat and turns to her, “Yeah?” His voice is thick with sleep.
“I don’t feel good,” she says wincing as the pain aggravates. Her hand slips to her distended stomach, rubbing it restlessly.
“Is it your back?” He asks, reaching to turn on the lamp. “Leg cramps?”
“No, it’s here,” she says, resting her hand below her bellybutton. “Oww.” She whimpers in pain.
Jim peels the sheets from her and is overcome by the smell of iron in the air. He can almost taste it. “What the—” His eyes catch a slight tinge of red on her pajama bottoms. He nudges her legs aside and a large scarlet splotch reveals underneath her. “Oh my God, Pam…” Jim says frantically. .”You’re…”
“What?” She says alarmed.
Jim’s voice is lodged in his throat, “There’s umm… blood. Pam you’re bleeding!”
“What?” she says reaching between her legs. “No, no…” she exclaims seeing the crimson color blotting her fingers. “The baby… Jim, the baby.”
“Jim… the baby. No, no… We have to go to the hospital. Jim….” Pam was franticly tugging his arm.
Startled awake by her frenzied cries, Jim’s heart immediately lodged in his throat. “Whatsgoingon?” He mumbled, a spectrum of possibilities going through his head.
“The baby, Jim, please, we have to go!” Pam was shuddering, propped on her knees, tears running down her cheeks
“Baby?" Jim reached for the lamp, squinting as the light flooded the room. “Pam…What—” Realization rapidly sank in as the foreboding images of that night came flooding his mind.
“It’s okay babe. “C’mere.” He reached for her. “He’s fine. Ben is fine,” Jim said, running his hand down her back. He looked down at her, wiping the tears rolling down her cheeks, “You were remembering again.”
“What?” She released a shuddering breath. “What happened?”
“You were seven months in with Ben when you woke up bleeding. We went to the hospital and it turned out you went into preterm labor. They were able to stop it and you were on bed rest for a while.”
In one swift motion, Pam swiveled her feet off the bed. “I’ll be right back.”
“Pam, where—” Before he could finish, Pam had slipped through his arms, padding out of the bedroom. She came back moments later holding a slumbering Ben tightly to her chest.
Jim smiled.
She climbed on the bed and laid Ben in between them. Ben shifted slightly, sprawling his limbs as far as they went.
A silent moment passed before Pam looked solemnly at Jim and said, “I thought we lost him.”
“Me too,” he said pensively, his mind also reverting back to that day. Doctors and nurses running this way and that, needles and tubes and wires and medications and IV’s and then…a heartbeat.
“I just prayed that he would stay in my belly in a little longer, you know?” She traced each of his little fingers.
“The little guy just wanted to come out early.” Jim ran his hand through Ben’s hair. “The kid is as stubborn as his mother since the womb.” Jim slowly slid down the headboard, pulling Ben and Pam closer to him.
“I’m not stubborn.”
“Noooo, of course not.” Jim smiled, planting a kiss on her forehead. “Back to sleep?”
“Yes,” she exhaled. “Love you.”
“Love you too.”
The September sun shone high in the sky, its bright rays no longer emitting their summer warmth. The fresh, green foliage had metamorphosed into mosaics of yellow, orange, and scarlet rues on the ground. The previously warm breeze now sent chills up and down Pam’s spine as she watched her children, jumping on the heaps of leaves they’d just raked in the yard.
Pam’s mind reverted to last night’s reminiscence. How incredibly vivid and real it had been. It was as if she were re-living it. All the tension and fear came flooding back, assaulting the barricades that sheltered her mind.
Lately, that’s how vivid all the memories had been. Analogous to dreams that frighten you awake, leaving you scared to open your eyes.
“Hey,” Jim said, calling her from her daze with a cup of hot cocoa.
“Hey.” Pam seized the cup and reached up on her toes to brush her lips against his. “Thanks.”
“Cold?” He asked, stroking her arms.
“Yeah…I wonder if we should take them inside.”
“They’re fine.” Jim gazed at their children submerged in leaves and then back at Pam. He noticed her gaze distant. Her eyes with the lightest tinge of red, probably from the little sleep she had gotten the previous night.
“You okay?” He asked.
“Yeah….” But her tone confirmed otherwise.
“Thinking about last night?”
Pam exhaled. “Yes….Anything else I should know about.”
“Not off the top of my head. I guess we’ll both have to wait.”
Sometimes it was nice that Pam didn’t remember such occasions, and Jim wouldn’t mind forgetting a few painful memories of his own. But looking back, all events, good or bad, had slowly weaved their lives into one thread. And the returning memories weren’t always daunting. That same night, after Ellie and Ben were sound asleep, it had been a pretty good one.
Jim had stepped out of the shower and found Pam perched on the bed with a sly grin adorning her face. Her eyes were dark and her cheeks flushed a light shade of pink.
“What?” He asked, creasing his brow.
Pam didn’t respond, but continued to smile. A light bulb flickered in Jim’s head and he began moving cautiously towards her.
“Where are you?” He asked, climbing on the bed.
“June ’07,” she responded.
“Um… Is it raining?” He asked and Pam nodded, her cheeks now crimson red. He crawled towheads her and pinned her down on the bed. “Am I doing this?” He began trailing kisses down her neck. “And this…” He clumsily tugged at the rim of her shirt. “Did my watch get caught on your necklace yet?” He mused. “Or was that after you choked me with my tie?”
Pam chuckled, closing her eyes, re-living the memory of their first time.
Later that night, their bodies lay deliciously exhausted, washed in orange by the streetlights outside their bedroom window. Jim’s hand drew lazy patterns on Pam’s back and she traced her index finger over his ribcage. Though her last reminiscence was the reason she was reveling with her husband right now, it also lodged a tinge of inexplicable jealously within her.
“How many before me?” She asked hastily.
“Six,” he casually answered, peeking down at her perfectly resolute expression.
“You’re my second,” she disclosed.
“I know,” he pulled her closer.
Pam was silent for a brief moment before she broke it with another question. “Who?”
“Umm, let’s see.” Jim lifted his head, supporting himself on one elbow. He grasped the hand that studied his chest and brought it to his lips. “There was Meghan in High School. Sarah and Charlotte in College.” His lips gently brushed over each of her knuckles. “There was also Sophia from when I went abroad for a semester. And then there was Katy and Karen.”
Pam looked up at him and smiled feebly. “Most memorable?”
“Are you included?”
“No.”
“Umm… I would have to say Sarah.” Jim brushed a stray curl behind her ear. “You can say she was my first love aaand I was more proficient in that area by then.”
“And If I were to be included in that category...” Pam prompted, a sheepish smile spreading across her face.
Jim lowered his mouth to hers, nipping at her bottom lip. “Those other girls have nothing on you.”
She brought a hand to his cheek. “I think I was the least experienced.”
“Maybe. But that has nothing to do with it.” He repositioned himself, lying half on top on her. “I had never been as nervous or as eager as I was with you. Every fiber of my being wanted you.”
“I was so scared and didn’t want to let you down.” She could feel his hardness pressing to the inside of her thigh. “You were so sweet and…even now I still ponder if….” She let her thought trail off.
“Don’t.” He kissed her, smiling. “You have no idea the effects you have on me woman.” He ran his hand down her waist, resting on the curve of her hip. “And you gave me two of the most precious things in this world.” Ellie and Ben.
“They are pretty great, uh?”
“They are.” Jim chuckled. “When you were at the hospital, I read them bedtime stories. And one night Ellie asked why I didn’t taste the pages like mommy did.”
Pam burst into laughter.
“Shh…” Jim hushed her with his lips. “You’re gonna wake them up.” His lips took the opportunity to trace a path down her neck.
“Well,” Pam said, tilting her head to give him better access. “Yesterday I found Ben coming from the bathroom and I asked him if he went number one or two. He said, ‘I think number five, mommy. I went a lot.’”
Jim chuckled against her skin, sending chills down his spine. “That’s my little guy.”
Red splotches were surfacing on Pam’s pink skin as Jim’s kisses grew more ardent.
“Can we have another one?”
Jim was taken aback. He stopped, propped himself up, and gazed down at her. “You want another one?”
Pam nodded sheepishly, biting her bottom lip. “Do you?”
Jim looked at her with a soft and loving smile. He gently nudged her legs apart, and lowered himself on top of her. He stroked her hair, planting a lingering kiss to her forehead. He felt her body quiver, slightly.
“Let’s make another baby.”
She let out a breathy, “Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
It had been a couple of weeks since Pam’s last reminiscence. She was starting to wonder if they had stopped coming all together. She didn’t mind the one’s that had left her pink with pleasure, only the ones that sent her on an emotional ride. But she was thankful nonetheless that all the pieces were coming together and faster than before. And as she browsed the aisles of the local supermarket, she wondered how many pieces were left.
“Hey babe,” Jim called from down the aisle, holding up two bags of chocolate-chips. “Which one?”
She pushed her glasses further up her nose, scrutinizing the packages. She felt the urge to make her famous chocolate-chip brownies. “Is the left one Hershey’s? Get the Hershey’s one.”
“Okay.” Jim strolled down the aisle tossing one of the bags up in the air.
Ben, who was seated in the grocery cart, became fascinated with the flying bag. “Look mommy,” he pointed and smiled.
“Daddy’s silly, uh?”
Ben stretched his arms for the bag. “Gibe it to me.”
“Please?” Jim said.
“Pleez da-dy?”
“Here you go—one bag of chocolate-chips.” Jim said handing it to Ben. Ben clutched the bag, giggling at the crumpling sound.
“Don’t squish it buddy,” Jim cautioned, tousling his hair. “So, what else do we need?”
Pam tapped her index finger to her mouth, gazing at the grocery list. “We still have vanilla, right?”
“I think so.” Jim paned his eyes around finding Ellie, skipping unconcernedly down the aisle. “El, stay close sweetie,” he beckoned before turning back to Pam. “But just to be safe we should get another one.”
“Sounds good. C’mon Skippy,” Pam called for Ellie. “This way.”
Eventually they found themselves on the checkout lane, waiting behind a long line of shopping carts. It seemed everyone had chosen today to go grocery shopping. Pam was going through the list one last time, ensuring all the essential items were in the cart—last time she’d forgotten the baking powder.
“Hon,” Jim said. “We have everything.”
“That’s what I thought last time.”
“I know, but—”
“Out,” Ben cried, “Out mommy!”
“Someone’s getting impatient already.” Pam lifted him from the seat and lowered him to the ground. “And he’s not the only one!”
“We are almost there,” Jim chuckled.
“Coulda I have this one?” Ellie chirped, holding a colorful candy package. “Please daddy?”
“Let me see it young lady,” Jim said in a husky deep voice, rubbing his chin—in thought. Ellie and Ben were amused. “Humm….uh-hum. Is it Jelly Beans you want?”
“Yes, Jelly Beans, Sir daddy!” She replied, taking part in the game.
“Jelly Beans you shall have.”
Pam chuckled, rolling her eyes. “Daddy will put it in the cart Ellie.”
“No, I wanna holdem.” Ellie pleaded.
“Your wish is my command Ms. Halpert,” Jim said bowing down, as he offered her the plastic package.
“Thank you, Sir.” Ellie gave him a cheeky smile.
The lined didn’t seem to move and even with Jim’s attempts to lighten the mood, Pam’s patience was wearing thin. She couldn’t stand the crowds of people anymore. And if they waited any longer, Ellie and Ben would have a year’s worth supply of candy piled in the cart.
“Really? She’s going to use ALL those coupons?” Pam bickered at the elderly lady browsing through her bag in front of her.
“Relax babe,” Jim said as he held Ben upside down. Ben giggled hysterically. “Her cart is not even full.”
Pam exhaled, watching Ben’s hair fan through the air. His hair is getting too long. “I just want to—”
“Pammy?”
She heard a familiar voice call her name. She panned her eyes around. Jim did the same, but he already knew who it belonged to.
She felt a tap on her shoulder. “Pammy?”
She turned to see Roy standing before her. “Oh, Hey.” He was much bulkier in person.
Roy pulled her to a hug. “Long time no see.” His eyes then met Jim’s and the child dangling from his arms. “Halpert,” he extended his hand and Jim shook it.
“Hey, how’re you?” Jim said.
“Good, doing good. It’s Ben right?” Roy said pointing to Ben.
“Yeah, this is he.” Jim said tickling Ben, eliciting his smile.
“I don’t think he had that much hair the last time I saw him.” His words had a little bite to them. Pam noticed. “And this is…” Roy said, gazing down at the little girl hiding behind Jim’s pants leg. “Ella?”
“Close. It’s Ellie.” Jim said, stroking her hair.
Roy kneeled to the little girl’s level. “Watchu got there, uh?” He pointed at the bag she was clutching.
Ellie looked up to her dad and only after he nodded ‘okay’ she replied. “Jelly Beans.”
Roy stood up. “Pam, she looks exactly like you.
“That’s what they say,” she replied.
“So Pam,” Roy began, “How’ve you been since the accident?”
Pam’s face fell. “Umm, good, good.”
Roy’s voice suddenly took a somber timbre. “You were at the hospital for a long time.”
“Yeah,” she said, brushing it off. “It’s been a while, I’m fine now.”
“I wanted to come visit you, you know.” Roy darted his eyes to Jim. “But things got in the way.”
“Uh-huh,” she said, turning towards Jim.
“You know,” Roy shifted uncomfortably, “Kenny’s real sorry.”
“Okay.” Pam phrased it more like a question.
“He’s going to the meetings and all. He wants to get his life together.”
“Yeah, he should,” was all she could muster to say. She didn’t understand
“Hey look,” Jim interrupted, “that lane just opened up.” He began pulling the cart to the adjacent cashier.
“Oh, ummm it was good seeing you.” Pam said casually.
“Yeah, me too. It was good seeing you too.”
“Yeah.”
And with that Pam walked over to Jim, helping him load the groceries on the conveyer belt. Jim was quiet and for now, it was okay.
At home they unloaded the groceries and Pam retreated to the kitchen to begin baking, with the assistance of her little helpers. The tension between Jim and Roy went unsaid and the lingering question about Kenny’s identity went unasked. Quite frankly, she didn’t want to know.
Jim came into the kitchen, and dipped his finger in the batter and brought it to his mouth. “Ummm, this is good!”
“No daddy,” Ellie admonished him. “You gonna eat later.” The little girl, herself, had batter all over her mouth.
“So… no one’s down for a nap today, uh?” Jim asked, watching Pam pour the mix in the tin molds.
“They’re too hyped up on sugar. I, on the other hand, could go down for a nap,” she said half-kiddingly.
“Okay, then. Go upstairs and I promised we’ll try to be really quiet down here.”
“Really?”
“Really, plus you get to spend all day with them anyways. It’s my turn.”
“Deal. Oh, the brownies will be ready in about 35 minutes.”
“I got it, don’t worry.” He kissed her forehead. “Now go.”
Three hours passed and Pam hadn’t come down yet. Jim wondered how long more he could keep the kids quiet. His efforts were now crumbling down with every passing second. May be he should go check on her. But he was scared to wake her.
He was going to give her another ten minutes. But, he didn’t have too. He heard her coming down the steps. He began making his way towards the stairs, on his hands and knees, with two kids clinging to his shirt. Ellie and Ben laughed hysterically, trying to balance on their dad’s back. When he came within her view, his met her gaze— her eyes glistened with tears.
“Pam?” He asked cautiously. He didn’t want to worry the kids. “You okay?” He asked.
She nodded.
Jim rose to his knees, Ellie and Ben giggled as they slid down his back. “Did you remember something?”
Pam lowered herself and sat on the bottom steps, tears now freely rolling down her cheeks.
Ellie became concerned and ran to her mom. “Don cry mommy,” Ellie whispered, resting her small hands on either side Pam’s cheeks. “Do you hurt hea?” Ellie asked stroking her mom’s hair.
“No baby, mommy’s not hurting there.” She seized the little girl’s hand and kissed it.
Ben was the next one to come to his mom’s rescue. “I have boo-boo mommy, I no cry,” Ben said, showing a fading scar on his arm.
“You’re a big boy Ben,” Pam said, kissing him. Then she gazed up at Jim.
Jim was still on his knees, waiting, weighting her silence against his knowledge. “What was it?”
“It was Kenny who hit me the night of the accident, right?”
Jim looked at her surprised. “Yeah.” He nodded. “But how—You couldn’t have known.”
“I put two and two together.” She dabbed teary eyes. “I remembered,” she choked out, “everything.” The last word came no louder than a whisper.
Jim was cemented to the floor. His eyes suddenly brimming with tears. “Everything?” He choked out.
Pam nodded.
Jim stood up. “The painting in the living room?”
Pam stood up as well. “The view from our honeymoon suit.”
He took a step forward. “Reason I can’t eat pecans”
Pam smiled. “You’re allergic.”
“The real reason?”
Pam laughed. “You don’t like them.”
He blushed. “Why haven’t we cut Ben’s hair?”
“We were going to prank Dwight.”
They both laughed, dabbing their eyes
“Is that still on?” She asked.
“Definitely.” Jim took another step forward. “Why was my tie cut at our wedding?”
Pam released a sob. “Because I tore my veil.”
At that moment Jim took Pam in his arms. He hugged her, kissing her damp cheeks, running his hands through her hair. Ben and Ellie, not understanding the enormity of the situation, giggled, sandwiched between their parents’ legs. Jim kissed her again, feeling resolve, joy, purpose coursing through her. They pulled apart slightly, looking at one another, reveling in that moment.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hey,” she replied.
They looked down at their kids standing at their feet. Their small round faces crunched in confusion. They knelt to their level.
Ellie gazed between her mom and dad. She dabbed at her dad’s cheeks. “You cry too, daddy?”
“Yep,” He said looking at her. “I’m crying because I’m happy.”
“Daddy’s silly mommy,” Ellie said, stroking her dad’s cheeks.
“He is baby, he is,” Pam said, dabbing her own cheeks.
“I know wat make everybody better?” Ellie chirped.
“What?” Jim and Pam asked in unison.
“Jelly Beans!”
Author's Chapter Notes:
Here it is everyone! The last chapter! Wow, it's been a long journey. And you guys have been so great. Thanks for sticking with this crazy chick here. She's very thankful! Now...enjoy! Oh and an epilogue will follow!
A BIG, ENOURMOUS thanks to EmilyHalpert who helped me and put up with me all this time. Em you're a beautiful person inside and out!
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Chapter End Notes:
Thanks for reading! Any last thoughts?
