“I—We have two kids?”
“I should’ve told….”
“How long have we been married?”
“Four years...”
“How old are they?”
“Four and Two…”
“We’ve been married for fours year and we have a four-year-old?”
“Well, Ellie was a bit of a surprise…”
Pam wasn’t taken aback by idea of having children, per se. It was the notion of having two small pieces of her, of which she had no recollection. How can a mother forget her own children?Jim attempted to soothe her qualms, but after a while he knew she needed to sort this on her own. She had always needed time alone, even before the accident, and as much as it pained him, Jim decided to call it a night. He was tired. She was tired. He would return tomorrow, with a cleared head, to try again.
After picking up the kids, Jim drove somberly through the streets of Scranton. It was late in the afternoon and the sun was low in the horizon, providing a beautiful array of orange, yellow, and purple hues. Pam has always loved the contrast of color during a sunset. Arriving home, Jim parked his car and gazed at their children spilled over in their car seats. The past month or so had been extremely difficult for them. Jim tried his best, but without mommy…needless to say it had been hard. He slowly made his way out of the car, lifting Ben and then Ellie from their car seats.
“Daddy?” Ellie mumbled, drowsy from the car ride.
“Yes sweetie?” Jim said kissing the top of her head.
“I missed you.”
“Oh yeah? I missed you both,” Jim said, squeezing them tightly, lingering just enough to find her scent on them. He loved them so much. “Now…who wants pizza?” Both shouted excitedly before sprinting towards the front door. At Ellie’s request, Jim ordered pineapple pizza, which also happened to be her mother’s favorite. Ben was never fond of the ‘napple’ pieces, as he called them, and picked every chunk off his slice, much like his mother did with mushrooms.
After dinner it was bath time, which always ended with a soaked Jim and an unhappy Ben. Ben hated being in the tub—dressed, undressed, toys, no toys, water, no water, with daddy, with mommy—he just detested it. They had tried everything, and the only other option—not showering—was not actually an option.
“C’mon Ben… Look, it’s Spongebob!”
“No, no da-dy, noooo…”
“It’s okay …Look,” Jim said, swirling the water with his hand. “It’s fun!” But Ben wouldn’t have it. He held tightly to Jim’s neck, jumping, kicking, and screaming, as if the water was scorching hot. The neighbors probably thought the Halperts had an appointment with an exorcist every day. When it was finally over Jim enveloped him—them—in a towel and waited until Ben loosened his tight grasp around his neck. “Hey,” Jim said wiping the tears on his cheeks, the child’s lips still quivering from crying, “It’s all done buddy, okay? Let’s get you dressed now.”
Bedtime was smoother than bath time. Ben was still at an age where he would go to sleep on his own when left in his bed. Ellie, on the contrary, was a more intricate case. After tucking Ben in, Jim made his way to Ellie’s room, where he found her playing with her dolls. When Pam was pregnant with Ben, she didn’t want Ellie to be resentful of the new baby. So when Ben was born, Pam bought Ellie a doll with all the accessories—diapers, bottles, pacifiers— and she would have Ellie do the same to the dolls as she did to Ben. Since then Ellie would habitually play with her dolls.
“It’s bedtime, pretty lady,” Jim said entering her room.
“A little bit more, daddy?
“It’s bed time… Tomorrow you can play more.”
“Please, daddy? Pleeeeease?
“Ellie…” Jim said sternly. She looked defiantly at him; eyebrows knitted together, arms crossed across her chest. She is so much like he mother.
“Okay…” She surrendered, slumping down on top of the bed. Jim held up the covers and she ducked underneath them. He kissed her forehead, running his hand through the still damp curls on her head.
“Goodnight, sweetie. I love you.”
“Love you too, daddy.” Jim was almost out of the door when Ellie chimed in again. “Daddy?”
“Yeah El?”
“When is mommy coming home?”
Jim could never get used to that question. It had been asked many times, in several different ways, but the truth was, he didn’t know the answer. Not then, and not now. And after today, he didn’t even know if Pam would be willing to come home at all.
“Soon…” Jim responded.
“Daddy?”
“Yeah…” Jim said approaching her bed. He knew this routine way too well by now.
“I miss mommy.”
“I know sweetie, I miss her too—this much!” Jim said, stretching his arms from side to side. Ellie smiled; that same smile, the one that stole his heart. “It’s bedtime now, okay?”
“I don’t wanna sleep, daddy!” Jim didn’t have the strength to fight her tonight. He was less resourceful and resilient today, than most days. Besides, she was on the brink between sleep and awake anyways.
“C’mon,” Jim said, lifting her from the bed. “Wanna help me with the dishes?”
“Yeah,” Ellie said stifling a yawn.
The oven clock read 8:30 pm when they reached the kitchen; Ellie was promptly asleep by 8:50 pm. She just didn’t want to be alone, and neither did Jim. Jim sat on the couch with Ellie spilled over his lap for the next hour, listening to the humming of the dishwasher. Another day had gone by, and the uncertainties had simply amplified. But tomorrow would be another day; another day.
………………..
The following morning was daycare day, as it was known in the Halpert household. Pam had been hesitant with the idea of daycare, but Jim convinced her otherwise, assuring her it would be good for their children to interact with other kids their age. However, the first day had been disastrous, as Ellie resisted the best way she knew how—kicking and screaming. It had gotten better once she familiarized with the staff and the other children, but recently she had been particularly difficult—separation anxiety; they called it—and today was no different. Jim had another drop-off, filled with, “Don’t leave daddy,” and “Can I came with you,” before driving to the hospital. Her pleas stirred him to no extent.
Upon arriving at the hospital, Jim entered Pam’s room to find her clutching a few pieces of paper in her hands. Her eyes were reddened and swollen, a sign that she had been crying.
“Hey…What’s…”
“Did they draw this?” Pam interrupted, stretching the paper for him to see. “Did they?” Jim nodded, confirming her suspicion. The papers were Ellie’s and Ben’s get well cards—lopsided hearts, unidentifiable shapes and lines, with traced ‘I love you mommy’. Pam let her head fall back on the pillow, tears cascading down her cheeks. All night she had desperately tried to remember them, to see their faces, but nothing came. Nothing ever did.
“I…just…I can’t remember them,” Pam reasoned, defeated—frustration getting the best of her.
Jim reached for his back pocket, fishing for his wallet. “Here, this was taken last Christmas. This is Ellie and Ben.” Pam took the wallet size picture and gazed intently at it. The picture showed Ellie and Ben with matching red outfits on Santa’s lap. Pam ran her finger across the picture, tracing their smiling faces. “Ellie’s hair is much longer now.” Jim added.
“He—Ben looks just like you!”
“Yeah, that’s what people tell me,” Jim said with a lopsided smile. “Ellie looks like you though.”
“Yeah?”
“From the curls on her head to the tip of her toes. Although, she has my ears, but she is growing nicely into them.”
Pam chuckled, wiping the remanding tears descending her cheeks. “How…um… how are they?”
“They miss their mom.”
The room fell quiet as Pam continued to gaze at the picture, absorbing every minute detail. Even the wrinkled edges held an untold story. She could imagine the photograph being passed along as Jim proudly showed it off, retelling anecdotes of their little ones.
“Why can’t I remember them?”
“I don’t know Pam….” Jim said, snaking his arm around her, but quickly sensed her body tense under his fingertips. “I’m sorry.” He said, retracting his arm.
“I’m sorry too.” Pam wiped a few tears still feebly rolling down her cheeks, trying to recompose herself. She had to stop doing that every time Jim entered the room. “Is my mom coming today?”
“Yeah, she stayed at a hotel not too far from here. I asked her to stay at our house, but she wanted to wait for your sister and your dad. I think they’re all coming later.”
“Okay… um…" Pam paused, hesitating her next question, “Are you bringing the kids sometime?”
Jim’s smile widened, “I could bring them today if you want.”
“I think I would like that.”
Jim didn’t stay long. He had already taken the day before off, and assured Wallace he would be in Scranton in the afternoon. His current situation was accompanied by leniency at work, but he didn’t want to take advantage. At work Jim was the happiest he’d been in the past month. He busied himself, attempting to forget the ticking clock above the kitchen door. He really needed it to be five o’clock already.
At five o’clock Jim rushed out of the office, driving purposely to the daycare center. In the back of his mind, he was hesitant to bring the kids in. They expected mommy to be, well, mommy, and Jim didn’t know how Pam would take on the role. At the daycare he was greeted with two of the three smiles that fulfilled him to no extent. He carried Ellie and Ben to the car, buckled them in and drove to the hospital as Ellie recounted her day. During her breathing intervals, Jim would respond accordingly. But when she seemed to be emptied from talking, Jim decided it was his turn.
“Hey El, Do you wanna see mommy today?” He knew the last time hadn’t gone so well. “I know mommy wants to see you. She misses you a whole bunch.”
“Mommy’s not sleeping anymore daddy?”
“Nope… And she really misses you guys.”
“Did mommy’s boo-boos go away?”
“Not all of them…”
Ellie thought about it for a minute before responding, “Daddy, I wanna see mommy.” Jim felt the thumping of her feet against the back of his seat. He could hear her whispering “Ben, Ben! We’re gonna see mommy." But Ben was dozing off, with his head bobbing to the side, not bothered by his sister’s pleas. Arriving at the hospital, Ellie seemed very eager to go inside. But as soon as they were in the elevator, she became hesitant, hiding behind Jim’s leg. Jim could barely walk down the hall with her clutching so sternly to his pants leg.
“Ellie sweetie, daddy can’t walk!” She didn’t move, so Jim continued to drag her down the hall. Once arriving in front of the door, Jim bent down to her level, with Ben still dozing on his shoulder. “Mommy’s boo-boos still hurt… I want you to be very careful with her, okay?”
Ellie nodded.
Jim slowly opened the door, his heart pounding anxiously in his chest. “We’re here…” Jim said, watching Pam’s gaze dart between Ben on his shoulder and the small figure hiding behind him.
“Hey…” As soon as Ellie heard her mother’s voice, she darted from behind Jim and ran straight towards the bed.
“Mommy! Mommy!” Pam reached her arms down and lifted the little girl to the side on the bed. Pam couldn’t contain the tears rolling down her face. She had been mentally preparing for this moment ever since Jim’s visit this morning. Meeting her dad and sister today was overwhelming, but meeting someone you helped create was another ballgame. These little beings were no one’s but hers—and Jim’s of course. Pam’s heart was almost exploding from the fulfillment she felt. The sentiment was so new and so grand that it almost overpowered her.
“Hi…” Pam whispered in her daughter hair.
“Mommy I missed you!” Ellie clutched Pam’s neck, almost impairing her breathing. Pam looked at Jim, smiling. Pure adoration was evident in his eyes.
“I missed you too!” Pam said, running her hand through Ellie’s hair, over her face, and arms…
“Hey,” Jim said approaching with Ben. “It seems his nap is going on overtime.”
“Yeah?” Pam chuckled. The boy looked just like his father.
“Ben… Hey, buddy, wake up! Wake up Ben,” Jim whispered, nudging Ben awake. His eyes opened slowly, still heavy with sleep. “Look… it’s mommy!” Ben rubbed his eyes, looking around the strange surroundings; a yawn escaping him, causing Pam to chuckle at his adorableness.
“Mommy,” Ben said, reaching his arms out for her. Jim lowered him carefully, placing him on the opposite side to Ellie. Pam kissed the top of his head, sensing something familiar about his scent—their scent. She embraced both children tightly, never wanting to let go.
“Mommy you’re squishing me!”
“Sorry…” Pam said, loosening her grip. Her eyes darted to Jim, who mouthed, it’s ok. She shifted in the bed making room for the three on them—perhaps it could fit one more. Pam patted an empty spot, urging Jim to take a seat, which he did.
Ellie did most of the talking, telling her mother how she could tie her shoes, and that daddy had brought her and Ben to the park, and how Ben had taken one of her dolls. Pam listened carefully to the little girl, chuckling at her mispronunciations. Pam would look at Jim whenever a name was mentioned, or a place she didn’t know. Jim would mouth the answer or include it in a sentence somehow. Ben was busy stacking and crushing the few empty Styrofoam cups on the table, unaware of what was going on. They ordered some cafeteria food and ate it as a family, for the first time in more than a month.
It wasn’t long before Ellie and Ben surrender to sleep, their limbs sprawled, and their mouths parted—ever so slightly—slumbering in the comfort of their mother’s embrace. Bed time had come a little bit faster today than most days.
“They are so beautiful.”
“I know…”
“So…um…” Pam stammered, “Ellie was a surprise?”
“Yeah, but in our defense we were engaged and living together. We were actually going to elope a week before we found out, but we opted for a wedding, wedding instead.”
“Was Ben a surprise too?”
“He wasn’t a surprise per se,” Jim said scratching the back of his neck, “We weren’t being very cautious with...um… Yeah... So, when the five hour naps returned, we knew we were expecting.”
“Five hour naps?”
“Yes! A minimal of five hours, actually!”
“Oh… that’s a long nap.”
“Thank you for finally agreeing with me!”
“You know…..the doctor said I could go home this weekend, if I'm ready?”
“Do you think you’re ready?”
Their eyes met, wasting no time in putting their feelings into words. Jim slowly reached for her hand, interlocking his fingers with hers—the perfect fit.
Pam looked down at their hands, heart pounding in her chest. “I think I am.”
Author's Chapter Notes:
Thank you so much for all who reviewed! You guys are truly amazing! A special thanks goes out to the best Betas out there, you know who you are…
Disclaimer: I own nothing…
Disclaimer: I own nothing…
Chapter End Notes:
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