Pam sat in the passenger seat of the car, one hand clutching the armrest, the other fidgeting with the seatbelt strap—she was nervous. She could see Jim in her periphery, fingers drumming on the steering wheel, eyes glancing at the side mirrors—or perhaps at her. Rain drops trickled down the windshield, as more clouds agglomerated above them. It looked like a summer shower was headed their way.
Inside the car, Pam felt safe. There was something inviting—comforting—about the car. Perhaps it was the car seats strapped in the back, or the toys piled near her feet, or even the stains revamping the car’s interior. Whatever it was, it felt right. She reached for a particular crusty stain at the edge of her seat, and proceeded to scrape it with her fingernail.
“Sorry about that, I was going to clean it, but….”
“Oh no, it’s ok….it’s um… very decorative.”
Jim chuckled, “Then, you’ll love the patterns on our living room couch.”
“I don’t know. These are pretty colorful.”
“Well, if you flip some of the cushions you might see color.”
“I’ll be the judge of that.”
In the past week, Pam had gotten to know Jim better. Besides the obvious—friendly, polite, and easy-going—she’d learned more about his personal life, as well as bits and pieces of her own life that came along with his anecdotes. But what made the greatest impression was his attentiveness towards her and the kids. Even him driving—breaking slowly, avoiding potholes as not to inflict pain in her injured leg—spoke immensely about him. She couldn’t imagine going home—wherever it was, with anyone else.
“We are almost there.” Jim said, turning into their street. For Jim, this moment was like a flashback from four years ago. All the uncertainty and reservation he felt before showing her their house surfaced. He could only hope to get the same response from her.
“And… Here we are.” Jim said, pulling into the driveway.
Pam began studying the house before her—flowery bushes around its facade, an oversized tree shadowing its side, and toys left haphazardly on the lawn. She had been here before. Jim made his way to her side, retrieving the crutches from the backseat, before lowering her gently to the ground.
“Shall we go in?”
“Um… Yeah.”
Jim opened the door, gesturing for her to enter. She maneuvered inside, and he followed with his hand protectively on her back. Pam stood in the small entrance hallway, observing the portraits hanging on the wall. One picture was of Jim with a young Ellie on his lap, and her with a baby Ben in her arms—a family portrait. She ran her hand over the glass frame, collecting a bit of dust between her fingers.
“We took that at Sears the year Ben was born,” Jim explained. “You wanted a picture of all of us. The one before had only Ellie.” Pam smiled, running her fingers over the not-so-smiling faces staring back on the adjacent portrait. “That one was difficult,” Jim continued. “Ellie wouldn’t stay put and Ben was colicky the whole day.” Jim watched her smile lovingly at the pictures.
“They look adorable.”
“Yeah, they do.”
Pam continued down the hallway, entering the living room. She was awestruck by a painting hanging above of the couch. It was a beautiful landscape, so peaceful, so calm, so…
“You painted that.”
Pam’s eyes widened, darting between the painting and Jim. Jim had told her she liked doing illustrations, but this… this was different. This was an artist at his or her best. Pam doubted it was hers until she found her initials, P.M.H., written in cursive on the bottom right-hand corner. She looked back at Jim, who stood next to her, also contemplating the masterpiece.
“It’s something, right?”
“It’s um… Yeah.” Pam was speechless.
“It won first place at this exhibit. It was displayed in a gallery in Philadelphia for a whole month.”
Pam continued to scrutinize the scenery portrayed in the painting. There was something about that painting that she just couldn’t put her finger on. Had she been there before? She looked up at Jim and found him smiling suspiciously at her. Would Jim know? Pam brushed off the thought and continued looking around the room, finding other paintings that were equally remarkable.
“Yep, you painted those too!” Jim said before she could ask.
“Wow…” Pam was in complete awe. Jim found her reaction fascinating because up until today, Pam had been her worse critic.
Pam turned her focus to the coffee table in the middle of the living room, housing various picture frames. Photographs of Ellie and Ben in highchairs covered in food, at the beach, and blowing out birthday candles, were among them. There was a particular picture of her pregnant self, with Jim pointing to her stomach. Pam picked up the picture, looking intently at it.
“That’s Ellie,” Jim clarified, pointing at the picture. “It was the day you first felt her kick…I think you were five months.”
“That’s five months?” Pam said in disbelief.
“Yeah… We hid it for the first four—because of the wedding, but man did it grow fast after that.”
Pam chuckled, looking down at her stomach—flat. “I can’t believe that this,” she pointed to herself, “Was that!”
“Yeah, incredible uh?
“Yeah…”
Pam placed the picture back in its place, glancing at other photographs of her looking happy and cheery, not confused, or disoriented. Pam was jealous of the woman in those photographs. She desperately wanted to find her, but didn’t know where to look.
You wanna continue the tour?” Jim asked, interrupting her momentary daze.
“Um yeah…still waiting to see the Olympic size pool!”
Jim chuckled, fishing for his phone that began vibrating in his pants’ pocket. “Sorry, it’s my mom,” Jim said, flipping open the phone. “Hey mom… Good… Just got here…She’s good…Okay…I’ll be there … Okay… Bye.”
Pam looked worriedly at Jim. “Is everything okay?”
“Oh yeah, she was wondering if I could pick up the kids a little earlier… Her doctor called asking if she could make an earlier appointment.”
“Why don’t we just get’em now?”
“I wanted you to get familiar with the house before they got here.”
“Then I’ll just stay.”
“I don’t know…”
“I’ll be fine. Just go. I miss them already.” Pam did miss them. Their enthusiasm towards her made her feel like she was the woman in all those pictures.
“Alright. But if you need anything, call. The numbers are on the fridge.”
“Okay…”
Jim exited the house, leaving Pam to inspect it herself. She walked into the kitchen, stopping in front of the fridge, embellished with pictures, magnets, and some of the kids’ artwork. A particular magnet caught her attention. It was a save-the-date with a picture of a beautiful couple. She wondered who they were. She proceeded to open the fridge, gazing incredulously at the amounts of yogurt occupying the first shelf. Who eats that much yogurt? A green tea pot on top of the stove called her attention. She walked over and lifted its lid—empty. Somehow she had hoped to find something inside. She rummaged through the kitchen a bit more, before deciding to go upstairs.
Pam slowly climbed the steps, stopping every so often to contemplate more pictures hung along the walls. When she reached the top, she entered the first room on the left. The bedroom was painted blue with decorative baby boats, lighthouses, and anchors along the walls. The bed sat in the corner of the room, its comforter matching the curtain’s design. A trail of toys on the floor led to a toy chest by the wall. Pam walked over to the closet and opened its sliding door, fingering the small shirts, sweaters, and jackets hanging from tiny hangers. Everything is so small.
She walked out of the first room and entered the next room across the hall. Pam was amazed by how coordinated and detailed the room was. The walls were a soft green with colorful flowers painted deliberately along the walls. A dresser and a nightstand were on either side of the bed, and a kitchen set was found in the opposite corner. The bedding’s flowery design matched that of the walls and curtains. There were shelves upon shelves of dolls and teddy bears. Pam examined the room carefully before continuing her way down the hallway.
Pam finally reached their bedroom. In comparison to the kids, this room was simpler. The walls were a serene blue with white curtains draped along the length of a large bay window. The centrally located bed was fairly large, with nightstands on either side, and a bench at its foot. Pam walked over to the dresser opposite the bed, noticing a wedding picture of her and Jim. She wore a white strapless dress and Jim a black tux. She could barely make out the supposed baby-bump hidden under the embroidery of the dress. Pam was startled when she heard the front door open.
“Pam?” Jim called out, “We’re back.”
Pam could hear small footsteps making their way up the stairs and a smile was immediately plastered on her face.
“Mommy!” Ellie and Ben said in unison as they ran into the bedroom. It was amazing how her heart skipped a beat every time she heard the word mommy.
“Hey, guys! I missed you!” Pam moved to the bed and pulled them up to her lap, kissing each child.
“Mommy what’s that?” Ellie asked, pointing to the brace on her leg.
“It’s something to make my leg better.”
“Oh…”
“So, what did you guys do at grandma’s today?”
“We made cookies!” Ellie replied, holding a small package.
“Cookies!” Ben exclaimed, throwing his arms excitedly into the hair.
“It sounds like you guys had a lot of fun!” Pam said, unable to hide how contented she was to be holding them.
“Hey,” Jim said, entering the room.
“Hi…”
“So, impressed yet?”
“Well, I didn’t get to meet my butler...”
“Oh, we had to let him go…” Jim said taking a seat next to her and pulling Ben to his lab, “But, are you hungry?”
“Yeah, actually.”
“I was thinking, dinner—”
“Can we go to the place we draw on the tables?” Ellie chimed in.
“That’s for breakfast sweetie.” Jim chuckled, “I thought of staying in, since it’s still raining out.”
“Yeah, that’s good.” Pam replied.
“Okay then, it’s settled.”
They made their way downstairs, Jim helping Pam maneuver carefully down each step. They exchanged glances, and Jim instinctively snaked his arm around her. His touch was always very gentle and careful, but Pam couldn’t stop herself from tensing up under his fingertips. A tingly sensation would run up and down her spine causing her muscles to tighten very time he made contact with her.
“Who wants to watch Simba?” Jim asked, as they reached the last step.
“I do, I do!” Ellie exclaimed.
“Simba?” Ben asked.
“Yeah buddy, the lion Grrrrr….” Jim got on all fours chasing Ellie and Ben around the living room. The kids jumped from couch to couch attempting to escape the lion. Their giggles filled the room as Jim seized them, bringing them to the floor. “I got you, Grrrrrrr .” Pam watched with a smile on her face as Jim eventually crashed down to the floor with both kids above him.
“We got you daddy.” Ellie exclaimed winded.
“Gotch- you!” Ben parroted.
“You did. You guys are very strong.” Jim said winking at Pam, eliciting her laughter. “Okay, let’s watch Simba now.” Jim put the DVD in and settled the kids in the living room before leaving to the kitchen to start dinner.
“Okay,” Jim said walking towards Pam, “We have about twenty minutes tops before they get bored with the movie.”
“Okay…”
“I was thinking grilled cheese, since it’s my specialty, as far as cooking goes. But if you have any other preference….”
“Grilled cheese sounds good.”
“Grilled cheese it is!”
Jim walked to the kitchen and Pam followed. He opened a cabinet door, taking out two cans of tomato soup and bread before retrieving a frying pan and a pot from the bottom cabinet.
“Do you need any help?”
“Sure. Can you get the butter and the cheese from the fridge?”
“Yeah.” Pam opened the fridge door looking through its contents. “Butter and cheese, butter and cheese…” She repeated to herself. She grabbed the cheese packet and the butter and placed it on top of the kitchen counter.
“Thank you.” Jim replied.
Pam closed the fridge door, eyeing the save-the-date again. “Who are they?”
“Who?” Jim said stretching his neck to see what she was pointing at.
“The couple in this picture.”
“Oh… that’s Mark and his fiancée, Lisa. He was my roommate for a long time before I moved to Stamford. They’re finally getting married.”
“Oh…um… you moved to Stamford?”
Oh boy. “Yeah… for a few months … I was promoted to assistant regional manager there.”
“Why did you come back?”
“The Stamford branch closed and merged with the Scranton branch.” Jim said matter-of-factly.
“Was that when we met?” Pam asked, fiddling with the charm on her necklace.
Jim kept his eyes fixated on the bread, spreading way too much butter. “Um…We knew each other before I left.”
“So, we started dating when you came back?”
“Yeah, after… after I came back.” Jim said scratching the back of his neck.
Pam noticed his demeanor tightened and decided not to push the subject further. Whatever happened while he was away in Stamford couldn’t have anything to do with her. She continued to watch him as he began to flip the bread on the frying pan. The delicious aroma of the tomato soup filled the room.
“It smells pretty good.” She said, approaching the stove.
“Yeah?”
“Definitely.”
Pam began pacing around the kitchen; fiddling with the plated and the utensils on the counter. Jim could feel her eyes on him. He looked at her quizzically, but she simply shook her head, smiling sheepishly at him. He knew she wanted something. The way she twisting her fingers and the way her mouth curved was a big tell.
“What?” Jim asked.
Pam looked hesitantly at him. “Can I ask you something?”
“Um… Sure….”
“What was I … like…um… before the accident?”
Jim was not expecting that. “What were you like? I don’t…”
“I mean, I see the pictures. But there’s only so much I can tell from them.”
“Well… you were….” Jim fumbled with his words. “You were…you. I know it’s not the answer you were probably looking for. But you are the woman in those pictures. You just need—”
“I don’t feel like her,” Pam interrupted, frustration in her voice. “I don’t think I can be her.”
“Don’t say that.” Jim’s voice a pleading whisper.
“Jim, you need—” Pam was interrupted by Ellie entering the kitchen.
“Can I have a cookie?”
“Dinner is almost ready.” Jim said, hiding the knot in his throat.
“Please Daddy, just one?”
“After dinner sweetie.” Ellie turned on her feet and stomped to the living room.
An awkward silence reigned in the kitchen. The only noise came from the sizzling sound of the frying pan. Pam didn’t mean to upset Jim. She just didn’t want him to have these high expectations she couldn’t live up to. The doctor said she might remember things again, but she felt helpless.
“Dinner’s ready.” Jim said, soberly walking out of the kitchen. “I’m gonna get the kids.”
“Okay.” Pam watched Jim walk past her and into the living room.
They ate dinner listening to Ellie talk. Pam was very attentive to her, almost encouraging her to keep talking. She wanted to dissipate the tension between her and Jim. Ben took a few of bites of his grilled cheese and began fussing in his chair, arching his back in the hopes of being released from his booster seat.
“Ben you have to eat before you leave the table.” Jim said.
“Noooo, no hungry!”
“You are not leaving until you’re done.”
Ben began kicking his legs, trying to free himself—his efforts in vain. Pam got up from her seat and began cutting small pieces of the bread on his plate.
“Here,” Pam said giving Ben the small pieces, which he hesitantly took. She dipped the pieces into the tomato soup and made airplane sounds before placing it in his mouth. When he finished eating, she gave him a big kiss and released him from the chair. Ben quickly slid from it and ran to the living room.
She looked up at Jim and he smiled at her. “That’s who you are.”
Author's Chapter Notes:
Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed. You guys are great! Ok, so I have to post this now or I’ll never stop tweaking it. This chapter is actually the first part of two parts. I was going to make into one chapter, but It got too long, and I couldn’t cut anything out because all is very crucial to the story, and I really want o explore it a bit more without overwhelming you with tons of information. The second part will be coming soon.
EmilyHalpert and Smurfette729 are the best Betas ever!
disclaimer: I own nothing... sigh
EmilyHalpert and Smurfette729 are the best Betas ever!
disclaimer: I own nothing... sigh
Chapter End Notes:
Thank you for reading, reviews always brightens up my day! Any input, is good input!
Ps. JohnKras and Jenna Fischer should have gotten Emmy nominations.
Ps. JohnKras and Jenna Fischer should have gotten Emmy nominations.
