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Pam stood motionless in the middle of the bedroom, trying to wrap her head around what had just happened. Had I really remembered something? She felt exactly the same as before, and it wasn’t a moment of clarity like she’d imagined. She’d simply accepted Jim’s invitation to be part of his secret plan. The irony being that, she couldn’t remember her exact phrasing—the apparent reminiscence. But a timid feeling made her shudder. For all intents and purposes, she might have remembered—maybe.
Jim’s reaction was also forever engraved in her mind. His contagious smile and the way his eyes sparkled with hope and anticipation made her actually believe—for an instant—that she had indeed remembered. It was as if his elation had diffused through an unseen channel between them. She could still feel his warm hands cupping her face, his hair drizzling over her eyes, and his heart pulsating—in sync, with hers. Pam was mesmerized that something as minuscule as a response brought Jim—and her, so much joy.
She panned her eyes around the room once more, imagining events that might have taken place between the serene blue walls, events she no longer remembered, events that fleeted without warning. Memories of midnight talks, whispered secrets, and hushed laughter that escaped with an early spring breeze. She dismissed the emotional cocktail coursing through her veins and continued to get dressed, opting for a pair of capris and a pink top. She grabbed a visor hanging in the closet and a pair of keds from next to the bed. She then stepped out into the hallway, finding Jim, still in his pajamas, holding a squirming Ben.
“Oh good, you’re ready!” Jim exclaimed, that same contagious smile still displayed on his face
“Yeah, is this ok?” She asked, gesturing her hands up and down her torso.
“Yeah, it’s perfect.” Jim said, narrowing the distance between them. “You’re not using the crutches?”
“No, they hurt me a lot. So I’ll try without it today.”
“Okay,” Jim said, placing a baseball cap on Ben’s head. “Ben here is ready, I just have to get myself and Ellie dressed.”
“Do you need any help? I can take Ben.”
“Okay…” Jim said, lowering Ben to her arms. “I made breakfast. So feel free to pick at anything you want in the kitchen. Ben and Ellie already ate, which accounts for the mess.”
“Okay,” Pam chuckled, “I’ll go do that.” Pam hoisted Ben on her hip and began making her way carefully down the stairs.
“Oh…” Jim shouted from the top of the stairs. “How is your finger?”
“It’s better…” Pam smiled at his concern towards her.
“Good!”
Pam reached the kitchen, finding the mess Jim had mentioned. Sippy cups and half-eaten pancakes were forgotten on brightly colored plates, while a frying pan, coated with pancake batter, sat on the stove. She walked over to the table, retrieved two pancakes, and poured herself the rest of the orange juice.
A toy car under the table caught Ben’s eyes, causing him to slide from her lap and crawl under the table. She watched him compose engine sounds as he dragged the car around the kitchen floor. As soon as Pam was done eating, she began to instinctively clean the kitchen, tossing the leftovers and washing the dishes. The minute she averted her eyes from Ben, he knocked over the juice container, spilling it on the table and floor.
“Uh-oh,” Ben said, watching the juice drip from the table.
“What happened, Ben?” Pam asked, watching Ben coyly press his lips together.
“Juicy,” Ben said, pointing to the yellow liquid oozing from the table to the floor.
Just then, Jim entered the kitchen holding Ellie, her hair in complete disarray. The beginnings of a ponytail evident, but not yet finalized. “What happened here?”
“Someone,” Pam gestured her head towards Ben, “knocked the juice off the table.”
“Oh,” Jim said with a chuckle. He panned his eyes around the kitchen, marveling its neatness. “You’ve cleaned.”
“Yeah, I thought I should.”
Jim smiled thankfully at her. “How about this, I’ll wipe up this mess while you fix her hair.” Jim said, gesturing to Ellie’s jumbled curls.
“Okay.” Pam said, gathering Ben and Ellie and leading them to the family room.
Pam sat on the couch with Ellie between her legs, looking at the tangled mess on her head. She fiddled with her hair, twisting her curls between her fingers, before settling on two pigtails. The little girl smiled happily and planted a sloppy kiss on her cheek. Pam’s heart melted at Ellie’s simple gesture. Soon after, Jim entered the room with a backpack over his shoulder and a red cooler in hand.
“Ready?”
“Yeah.”
It was such a beautiful day; the sun was high above, and its rays were warm and inviting. The gentle summer breeze played with the tree leaves choreographing a beautiful dance. It was the perfect day to spend at the park, and an ideal, inexpensive family fun. However, the traffic was predictably slow for a Sunday, and the kids were becoming restless in their seats. Pam could hear the impatient thumping of Ellie’s feet against Jim’s seat.
“Are we there yet?” Ellie asked.
“Almost, kiddo.” Jim replied.
It wasn’t long before Ellie recognized the park, and bounced in her seat, pointing out to the wooden playground and the water fountain as they drove past it to the parking lot. Ben stretched his head to see what Ellie was showing, but had no luck, and as the car came to a stop, he itched to be let out of his car seat.
“Out mommy!” Ben demanded, tugging at the seat’s straps.
Pam opened the rear door, unbuckled Ben from his seat, and lowered him to the ground. He stood by her, looking timidly at the other people on the parking lot. He looked up at Pam, a familiar lazy grin tugging the corner of his lips. Pam held his hand while watching Jim remove the cooler and the backpack from the trunk. Even in a simple t-shirt shorts, and baseball cap, Jim looked really good.
“Let’s go.” Jim said, shutting the trunk.
Ellie and Ben walked a few steps ahead, too excited to wait. Pam and Jim sauntered behind, his hand finding and interlacing with hers. His firm, but gentle grasp made her whole body tingle. She wondered if she was blushing. They walked to a nice shady area near the playground and the fountain.
“We can stay here.” Jim said, lowering the backpack to the ground.
Pam looked around, realizing it was a great spot to settle. “Yeah, it’s nice here.”
“C’mon,” Jim said, reaching inside the backpack, “Let’s put some sunscreen.”
“Ok.”
“You can do Ellie, while I do Ben.”
“So, I get the big one?”
“Okay, you can have Ben,” Jim grinned cunningly. “He is all yours.”
Pam sat with Ben on her lap, watching Jim smile while he rubbed sunscreen on Ellie, who stood perfectly still. She emulated him, oozing the white cream on her hand, but as soon as she began rubbing it on Ben’s arms, he began fussing and sliding away from her grip. She held him with one hand, but Ben wasn’t having it. He threw his hands in the air, not obliging to Pam’s pleas.
“C’mon Ben, just a little bit…”
“No mommy! Noooo!”
Pam’s eyes darted towards Jim, who wore a smug smile on his face, pretending not to notice the ordeal taking place. He knew Ben was going to fuss. But she was not giving up. Pam blew her bangs out of her face, locked Ben between her legs, and continued to rub sunscreen on his arms and legs. But when she turned Ben around, his tiny hands went immediately to hide his face. Pam intuitively took a drop of sunscreen and smeared her nose.
“Mommy’s silly Ben,” Ellie said, pointing to the smudge on her nose.
Ben peeked hesitantly through his fingers and extended his hand to Pam. She dabbed his fingers with sunscreen, which he immediately brought it to his face, doing the work of spreading for her. She rubbed the excess off, and looked at Jim victoriously. He couldn’t help but applaud. Pam picked Ben up, hoisted him on her hip, and took a bow, mouthing, ‘Thank you’ to an imaginary crowd.
“Can we go play daddy?” Ellie said, pulling impatiently on Jim’s shirt.
“Yeah, go on.”
“Yay!” Ellie exclaimed, bouncing on her feet.
“Hold your brother’s hand, El!” Pam shouted as Ellie and Ben scurried towards the playground. They quickly began jumping up and down, climbing, and sliding on things. Jim and Pam sat back on a bench, watching their little ones play.
“Do we come here often?” Pam asked, her eyes focused on Ellie and Ben.
“Yeah, but we haven’t been here in a little while.”
“Since the accident?”
“Yeah.” Jim said pensively. “Since the accident.”
“That’s almost two months ago.”
“Yeah, I know.” Jim said, shifting on the seat. “It just wasn’t the same, you know?”
“Yeah.” Guilt was yet again riding her conscience. “I'm sorry…” Pam muttered.
“About what?”
“Just… I don’t know…”
“Don’t be. I’m really glad you’re here now.” Jim said reaching for her hand. “They,” Jim gestured with his head to the playground, “are really happy you’re here too.” Pam nodded, smiling sheepishly—it always amazed her how Jim always knew the right thing to say.
It didn’t take long for the kids to come running from the playground, their clothes stamped with their tiny, smudged handprints. Sometimes Pam couldn’t believe she had taken part in creating those perfect little beings. The fact that they called her mommy and wrapped their tiny arms around her neck assured her she was where she was supposed to be.
“Can we go to the fountain, mommy?” Ellie pleaded, sweat beaded on her forehead.
“Yeah, it’s getting hot, uh?” Pam said, cleaning a smudge off her cheek. “Let’s go to the fountain.”
They walked, hand-in-hand, swinging the children over the sidewalk, eliciting their giggles as they pulled them up in the air. They stopped every so often to marvel at something either Ellie or Ben found crawling on the ground. It usually turned out to be ant or a small piece of tinfoil, but whatever it was, it never ceased to amaze them. Pam marveled at the world seen through her children’s eyes, a world where she belonged.
Ellie was the first to venture out, running towards the spurts of water. She raised her hands every time the water sprayed, as if to catch the trickling drops mid air. Ben was hesitant, hiding behind Pam. She tried to persuade him to follow Ellie, but he wouldn’t budge. So she rolled the end of her capris and marched with him among the spurting water jets. Ben giggled, wiping his face as the water sprayed him. Jim followed suit, chasing after them.
Pam saw other families with their children, and she suddenly felt whole as she gazed at her own—beautiful, she might add—family. She then lowered Ben to the ground, letting him run along with the other kids. She stepped away from the water fest and lingered by a bench close by. Her leg ached from all the walking she was doing today. Jim soon came to join her.
“Leg hurting?” Jim said, watching her stroke her thigh.
“Little bit.”
“We’ll be heading home soon.”
Pam’s thoughts were distant from the throbbing pain shooting up and down her leg. “Look at them! They don’t care how wet they get.”
“I know…”
“How are we going to get them dry?”
“Oh, I brought towels and a change of clothes for both.”
“Thinking one step ahead.”
“Not really, I’m just copying what you did.” Jim said, shifting closer to her, “you were always the one thinking ahead, always on top of things.”
Pam was suddenly quiet, her gaze fixed on the two bubbly children playing by the fountain. “You’re pretty amazing with them.”
“Mmmh… “
“Really, you are an amazing dad.” Pam said genuinely.
Pam and Jim continued watching Ellie and Ben running around until they got too wet to move. Then they scooped up their soaked, shivering children and brought them back to where they left their stuff. Ellie clutched tightly to Pam’s neck, her little body overcome with goose bumps. Pam held her close, not minding the water tickling her neck from Ellie’s pigtails.
After changing the kids into dry clothes, it was lunchtime. Jim had packed sandwiches, juice boxes, and other goodies, which they proceeded to eat. Pam chuckled; watching Ben ooze mayo onto his lap and Ellie squirt the juice box on her clothes, the purple stain contrasting the vivid yellow of her shirt.
“Ok,” Jim said, standing up to brush off the crumbs. “I think it’s time to go.”
“Yep, I think so too.” Pam said, eyeing their children slumped over the picnic table.
“Mommy, I need to go to the bathroom.”
“Oh, okay.” Pam said, panning her eyes around the park.
“I’ll take her,” Jim said scooping Ellie in his arms. “The bathrooms are over there. You don’t want to further strain your leg.”
“Okay, I’ll stay here and pack up things.”
Pam began collecting the trash around the site, tossing them in the nearby trashcan. She twisted the kids’ wet clothes to remove the access water, folded them, and placed them in a plastic bag inside the backpack. She drained the melted ice from the cooler and began situating the leftovers inside. She was almost done when Jim returned with Ellie.
“We’re back,” Jim said.
“I’m almost done here…” She said, closing the last of the fruit containers.
“Where is Ben?” Jim asked, looking around.
“What?” Pam said confused. “I thought he…”
“Where is he?” Jim’s voice thick with alarm.
“I don’t…” Pam felt dizzy, her knees threatening to give out from under her.
“He was here.” Jim said, running his hand frantically through his hair. “You were supposed to…” Jim trailed off, his breath caught in his throat, his heart pounding in his chest. “Ben!” Jim shouted. “Stay here. Watch her!” He pointed to Ellie.
Dread crept through Pam like the afternoon shadows on a cold winter’s day. The gentle, afternoon breeze was no longer soothing, and the rustling of tree leaves were foreboding cacophony to her ears. The agonizing feeling in her chest translated as tears cascading down her cheeks. She had been alone with Ben for less than five minutes and managed to lose him. What kind of mother was she?
Time seemed to slow, the seconds felt like minutes and the minutes felt like hours, until she saw Jim return, carrying Ben in his arms. Pam immediately launched herself towards them, lifting Ben from Jim’s arms, kissing him, and wiping away the traces of her tears that spilled onto him. “I’m sorry Ben.” She repeated. I’m sorry.
They walked back to the car in silence, eyeing the dark clouds in the horizon. It looked like another storm was headed their way. Jim hadn’t said a word since the incident and his quiet demeanor only inflamed the festering guilt inside her. The drive home was equally silent. The kids, exhausted, slept in their car seats, while Jim didn’t avert his eyes from the road. Pam watched disconsolate as the first raindrops trickled along the windshield.
Arriving home, Jim carried their drowsy children upstairs for their nap. Pam lingered behind, settling on the living room couch, curled in a puddle of remorse. Her conscience suffocated her, grasping tightly to any hope she had of being the woman depicted in the pictures. The tears came effortlessly as she listened to the raindrops pound the window as the rain intensified.
Resisting naptime, Ellie came downstairs, and found Pam lying on the couch. She climbed onto Pam’s lap and nestled cozily in her arms. Pam embraced the little girl, stroking her hair until she surrendered to sleep. The thought of anything happening to their children brought her to tears once more. Pam began wiping her cheeks when she heard Jim’s footsteps descending the stairs. She listened to him quietly enter the living room—not meeting his gaze.
“Want me to bring her upstairs?” Jim asked softly.
“Sure,” Pam replied defeated.
She watched Jim lift Ellie’s limp body from her arms, her eyes fluttering open as he positioned her head on his shoulders, and carried her upstairs. Pam reluctantly got up and followed, entering their bedroom and closing the door behind her. She took a cold shower, in a vain attempt to cool her conscience, and immediately climbed under the comforter. She felt like a gerbil in a wheel—run, run, run, no traction, no ground, and all an illusion.
Jim returned to the empty living room and collapsed on the couch with a heavy load on his shoulders. He had overreacted today. He pretended not to notice, but he saw all the tears Pam had shed. He mentally defended himself, reasoning that he had been at a loss; and scared didn’t begin to describe his state of mind—panic came close. But now that the adrenaline fog had subsided, he could finally think clearly. Pam had felt the same way.
The thunder’s roar strengthened as the storm intensified. Jim reluctantly stood up and headed upstairs to check on the kids. He found them asleep, slumbering through the eye of the storm. He walked by their bedroom and stopped in front of the door. He knew Pam hated thunderstorms. He hesitated but slowly opened the door, finding her propped against the headboard, clutching her knees.
“Hey,” Jim whispered.
“Hi,” Pam’s was voice small and frail.
“It seems the storm isn’t letting up.”
“Yeah....”
He watched her wince as another series of thunder and lightning roared above them. Her damp curls created a wet trail on her shirt—or was it her tears? “Look,” Jim murmured, walking towards the bed and sitting at the edge. “I’m sorry.” His was voice dense with remorse.
“It was all my fault.” Pam said, her voice thick with tears. “I should’ve been watching him. I was distracted and…”
“Hey,” Jim said, moving closer to her. “It wasn’t…”
“No,” she interrupted, gesturing into the air. “I had to watch him, and I didn’t...” Tears flowed freely down her cheeks. “He could’ve gotten hurt…”
“He is fine though.” Jim said, gathering her to him.
“B-But what if…” Pam bit her lips in a fruitless attempt to keep it from quivering. “What if Ben…”
“No what ifs,” Jim said, embracing her trembling body.
“I don’t think I can do this,” she said, slowly inching away.
Jim’s heart fell to the pit of his stomach. “Don’t say that…”
“It’s too much…I don’t know how to be a mom.” She paused—reality toying with her. “I don’t even know who I am.”
“No,” Jim whispered, shaking his head vehemently. “Don’t say that!”
“You guys are better off….”
“Don’t give up on me,” Jim pleaded; his eyes burning with unshed tears.
“Jim…”
“Pam,” he interrupted. “I-I just…I can’t without you.” Tears were slowly unleashing from the back of his eyes. “The day of the accident the doctors had no hope, and part of me died. I didn’t want to go on…” Jim choked on his words. “But here you are… Against all odds.” He pulled away slightly, cupping her face in his hands.
“And they...” He said, pointing towards the hall. “They are a constant reminder of you.”
Pam burrowed her head into his chest, unleashing all her sorrows and frustrations. She clutched to his shirt, hiccupping as her sobs intensified. Jim held her—stroking her soft curls, whispering, “We need you,” repeatedly in her ear. For the first time she could see that the light at the end of the tunnel wasn’t a train. When her sobs subsided, he turned her to face him—her eyes swollen and red, her body still quivering slightly.
“I need you,” Jim said, brushing his thumbs across her cheeks.
“I need you too,” she confessed.
Jim slid down the headboard, holding Pam in a tight embrace. He kissed her forehead and laid his head down on the pillow. He felt her breathing calm and her body fuse slowly with his. Pam still winced every time a distant thunder roared, but she felt secure, for the eye of the storm had passed.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Thank you so much for all your lovely reviews. You guys sure know how to make a girl happy. I've been tweaking this chapter for some time now... I think it's time!
EmilyHalpert and Smurfette729 are two of the most wonderful people in the world. Thank you guys so much for putting up with me!
Diclaimer: I own nothing; however I now own an engagement ring!
EmilyHalpert and Smurfette729 are two of the most wonderful people in the world. Thank you guys so much for putting up with me!
Diclaimer: I own nothing; however I now own an engagement ring!
Chapter End Notes:
I love hearing what you guys think, and it always helps me know what direction to take. If you think this is developing way to slow or is wondering where did the fluff go? Let me have it! =)
