The Office: “I Don’t Like Jelly” By Aaron Stauffer                  

 Copyright 2006 Aaron Stauffer   

COLD OPEN 

INT. BREAK ROOM – EARLY MORNING JIM is opening a box of donuts. 

JIM (V.O.)

I brought donuts into the office today.  It used to be fun to bring donuts because Michael and Creed would fight over the jelly-filled. 

JIM TALKING HEAD 

JIM

But after one particularly ugly event involving red jelly, Dwight took it upon himself to make sure he grabs the jelly-filled first, for Michael.  This time I made it a point not to get any jelly-filled. 

INT. BREAK ROOM – MOMENTS LATER 

DWIGHT walks into the break room, and his face lights up when he sees the donuts. 

DWIGHT

Donuts!  That is perfect.  I have been running late all morning. 

DWIGHT peruses the donuts and grabs one. 

DWIGHT

(stuffing the donut into his mouth and talking though mouthfuls)

Overslept a bit this morning. Busy working on something. 

JIM

Oh? 

DWIGHT

(obviously wanting JIM to ask about it)

Was up late.  Quite late.  I can’t really talk about it though. 

JIM

Okay. 

DWIGHT is looking through the remaining donuts.  He has a concerned look on his face. 

DWIGHT

Where’s Michael’s jelly donut? 

JIM shares a quick look with the camera. 

JIM

I didn’t get any jelly donuts. 

DWIGHT dismisses JIM’S statement. 

DWIGHT

Creed already got it?  This is unacceptable.  The jellies are Michael’s.  Always have been, always will. 

JIM stops DWIGHT as he is about to huff out of the break room. 

JIM

Creed isn’t here yet.  I just didn’t get any jelly donuts this time. 

DWIGHT

What?  Well why not? 

JIM

I don’t like jelly donuts. 

DWIGHT

But Michael does.  They’re his favorite. 

JIM

So why didn’t you bring him one? 

DWIGHT

Me?  But I was running late!   

JIM

So was I, but that didn’t stop me.  So what are you going to do? 

DWIGHT

But- 

JIM

Should Michael go without? 

DWIGHT looks at the donut box with his head down. 

DWIGHT

No.  No he should not.   

JIM

It’s early still.  You might have time before he gets here. 

DWIGHT is staring at the box of donuts now, clearly concerned. 

JIM (V.O.)

So as I was driving to work this morning, trying to grasp for any reason to come to this, this place, I saw a donut shop, and I thought, “Hey, if bringing jelly donuts can be fun, imagine how fun NOT bringing any might be.” 

DWIGHT has checked the box for any jelly donuts several times now and he rushes out of the break room with his keys in hand, running at full speed, careening off the surroundings in a mad dash to get MICHAEL’S donut.

 JIM TALKING HEAD 

JIM holds up a tiny folded bag. 

JIM

Oh, and Pam really loves the pink ones with sprinkles on them, so I got one of those for her. 

END OF COLD OPEN 

ACT ONE FADE IN: 

INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA - EARLY MORNING PAM is settling in as MICHAEL loudly dances in. 

MICHAEL

Tada!  Who brought donuts?  Who brought donuts?  Hey everybody I brought donuts. 

PAM

You are here early Michael. 

MICHAEL

I am!  Strange because I was up incredibly late last night.  Busy, busy!  Party all night, work all day.  You know what they say, the early bird gets the jelly donut. 

MICHAEL sets the box down on the reception desk and grabs a jelly donut.  As he walks into his office he looks back at the bullpen.  It is still early yet, so no one is there but JIM and PAM. 

MICHAEL (CON’T)

Where the hell is everybody? 

PAM

It’s still early Michael. 

MICHAEL

But I brought donuts… 

PAM

It’s early. 

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD                   

MICHAEL

Today is my manager’s evaluation.  It’s a special day, really.  This is the day where Dunder-Mifflin stops and says, ‘We got a great guy there, that MichaelScott!  Let’s spend a whole day kissing his ass.’ 

PAM TALKING HEAD 

PAM(quietly amused)

Today is Michael’s employee evaluation.  He calls it his ‘manager’s evaluation’ because he’s a manager. 

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD 

MICHAEL

I know, I know what you’re thinking.  ‘This guy is so great with his people, his flock, that he can’t be in ‘tight’ with management.’  Ha!  Not so.  Management loves me.  I take anything they throw at me, and believe me they do not make things easy.  ‘Michael you have to fire someone.  Michael we are losing money you have to cut costs.  Michael!  Michael!’  Broken records.       (beat)

But broken records that work.  Together. 

MICHAEL is extremely satisfied with himself and leans back in his chair, puts his feet up on his desk and begins to eat his jelly donut. 

KEVIN TALKING HEAD 

KEVIN

Every year Oscar and I bet on the results of Michael’s evaluations.  This year I’m betting he makes Jan cry. 

 (covertly)

I heard she made it with him.

OSCAR TALKING HEAD 

OSCAR

There’s no way she will cry.  Anyone who could live with themselves after

(beat)

what happened is controlled.  Extremely controlled.  She won’t cry. 

INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA - MOMENTS LATER 

JIM walks up to PAM with a small grin. 

JIM

Hey, did I just hear Michael say he was up late last night? 

PAM

Yes. 

JIM

That’s odd because earlier Dwight told me that he was up late last night too. 

PAM

(giggling)

Where is Dwight?  He’s always here before me. 

JIM

I brought donuts this morning too. 

JIM hands PAM the bagged donut. 

JIM (CON’T)

It’s a pink one.  With sprinkles.  Anyway, Dwight went to go get Michael a jelly donut. 

PAM

Oh thank you!  But… JIMI got a dozen donuts, no jelly. 

PAM laughs as she realizes why DWIGHT isn’t there.  

JIM (CON’T)

I don’t like jelly. 

MICHAEL SCOTT TALKING HEAD 

It’s good technique.  It’s fair play.  You reward your people.  A little praise goes a long way, I always say.  When Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt and into the wilderness did he insult them?  Did he yell at them and point out their body odor?  Well, that is an issue I would have to address as a manager.  But I’d do it with love.  I’d start off with a compliment, you know like ‘Your skirt is nice today.  Really.  You’d be much more attractive if you didn’t stink so bad.’  Butter them up, and then ease in the bad news.  They hardly notice it that way. 

 INT. OFFICE – LATER 

DWIGHT rushes into the office panting, carrying a box of donuts. 

DWIGHT

Make way!  Donut brigade. 

DWIGHT bursts into MICHAEL’S office breathless and panting. 

DWIGHT (CONT)

I brought your jelly-filled sir! 

MICHAEL

Well, you are late.  I already had one. 

DWIGHT

But these are jelly-filled. 

DWIGHT thrusts an entire dozen jelly-filled donuts towards MICHAEL. 

MICHAEL

Are you aware that I have my manager’s evaluation today? 

DWIGHT

Which is why you need a good breakfast. 

MICHAEL

Do you want me to be fat and bloated during my meeting? 

DWIGHT

You could work it off between now and then. 

MICHAEL

Fat people don’t get raises and they don’t get good evaluations. 

DWIGHT

What? 

MICHAEL

Take Kevin or Phyllis.  I never give them raises.  Look at them.  They are fat.  They already have too much.  Giving them more money to get fatter and support an addiction is NOT what a good boss does.  I don’t give Meredith alcohol do I?    

(makes pig-snorting noises)

I do not want to look fat at my evaluation. 

DWIGHT

You want to look hungry! 

MICHAEL

No, Dwight.  I want to look healthy. 

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD 

DWIGHT

It’s true.  People make decisions about your paycheck based on your looks.  They may say ‘This is strictly based on your performance’ or ‘We are going to be completely objective.’  What they are really saying is ‘Would I be willing to have my son

(beat)  

DWIGHT (CON’T)

or daughter, procreate with you?  Are we a genetic match?’

(laughing dismissively)

Michael has this one in the bag. 

INT. OFFICE – MOMENTS LATER 

DWIGHT sits at his desk, head hung low, still holding the box of donuts. 

JIM

Oooh.  Donuts.  Can I have one? 

DWIGHT

You already had one. 

JIM

But I didn’t have a jelly-filled. 

DWIGHT

You don’t like jelly. 

JIM

I didn’t but those look good.  Let me try one. 

DWIGHT pulls the box away from JIM.            

DWIGHT
No.  These are not for you. 

JIM

Well who are they for then? 

CREED walks by and plucks a donut from the box. 

CREED

Cool.  Donuts. 

DWIGHT(in anger)

These are not for you either!   

CREED(shrugs)

This one is. 

CREED shoves it into his mouth and continues on.  DWIGHT glares at CREED’S back.  When DWIGHT turns and notices a smirk on JIM’S face he calls him on it. 

DWIGHT

Well, aren’t you pleased with yourself.  So, did you wait til I was gone and then give the donut to Michael? 

JIM

Absolutely not. 

DWIGHT

You are just trying to butter him up because today is his manager’s evaluation.  You think he is going to name-drop your name with Jan today? 

JIM

Absolutely not. 

The two stare at each other, DWIGHT still hugging the box of donuts and JIM calmly watching. 

PAM TALKING HEAD 

PAM

Jim loves Dwight.  He absolutely does.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD 

MICHAEL

So, a little while back when love blossomed between Jan and I, I thought I’d take the bullet.  Since office romances rarely work out, and since things were moving so quickly between us, I decided that I’d be the bigger person, and maybe go to work somewhere else- for the good of our relationship.

(staring into space nostalgic)

Anyway, those days are gone, and the relationship is over, or so I thought.What is it about a strong man that can drive a woman away and pull her back? 

(more staring into space)

So, I applied for a job with another paper company.  Is it a better paper company?  Not while I work for Dunder-Mifflin, no.  They want me for an interview.  Today.  At four o’clock.  You know, I’m thinking about going.  Just for the star power.  It’s not everyday you get to interview an industry hero. 

INT. OFFICE – LATER 

JIM is sitting at his desk looking bored.  DWIGHT is half-heartedly shuffling papers across his desk. 

JIM

He didn’t want any of your donuts? 

DWIGHT ignores JIM and sullenly continues to shuffle papers. 

JIM (CON’T)

He doesn’t know what he’s missing.  They look fabulous. 

DWIGHT

What do you know about what Michael knows?   

JIM(taken aback)

You are right.  I’m sorry. 

DWIGHT

This is your fault.  And Creed’s. 

JIM

What is?

DWIGHT

You lured me out of the office.  You made me late!   

JIM

You were running late.  You were up late and overslept. 

DWIGHT(eyes narrowing)

What do you know about that? 

JIM(bluffing)

Only what Michael told me. 

DWIGHT turns his head towards MICHAEL’S office and stares at the blinds balefully. 

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD 

MICHAEL

Why am I worried?  It’s my day isn’t it?  I’m just going to call her,

(dialing Jan’s number)

and tell her we need to reschedule. 

JAN (V.O.)

Hello?  Michael?   

MICHAEL

Jan!  How’s my favorite administrative supervisor this fine day? 

JAN (V.O.)

I’m on my way to Scranton to have my evaluation with you.  What do you think? 

MICHAEL(laughing it off)

So, Jan, thoughts about calling off the meeting- 

JAN (V.O.)

No. 

MICHAEL

-and maybe just doing this whole thing on the phone.

JAN (V.O.)

Michael.  This has to be done in person.  We have already talked about this. 

MICHAEL

You could just tell me how great I’m doing now- 

JAN (V.O.)

No, Michael.  I’ll see you at four o’clock. 

MICHAEL

But Jan, wait! 

JAN (V.O.)

Okay. 

MICHAEL

If we can’t do this over the phone because you want to present me with a plaque or something, you could always give me my kudos now, and then drop the award off with Pam- The phone goes dead and we hear dial tone. 

MICHAEL (CON’T)(sighing)

I was afraid of this.  I knew I never should have mixed pleasure and business with her.  Well, you see.  The woman has to see me in person to handle a routine function of paperwork. 

(thoughtfully)

And half the time she acts like she can’t get away from me fast enough. 

(shudder)

That’s scary.  A woman.  On the edge.  Crisis.

INT. BREAK ROOM – LATER 

DWIGHT and ANGELA are having a conversation without looking at each other, in ‘clandestine’ style. 

ANGELA

That isn’t fair.  Some people can’t control their weight. 

DWIGHT

It’s not fair.  It’s the law of the jungle.  Kill or be killed. 

ANGELA

You should do something about it. 

DWIGHT

Like what? 

ANGELA finally turns to him and makes eye contact. 

ANGELA(coldly)

It’s not fair. 

DWIGHT hangs his head and ANGELA huffs out. 

INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE – MOMENTS LATER 

RYAN is sitting in MICHAEL’S office, looking extremely uncomfortable. 

MICHAEL

So, I’d like you to sit in for me, during my evaluation. 

RYAN

Sit in for you?  As in, you aren’t going to be there? 

DWIGHT bursts into MICHAEL’S office.  He is upset and ready to get something off his chest.  MICHAEL ignores DWIGHT.     

MICHAEL

(to RYAN, rolling his eyes)

No, I won’t.  Duh.  If I were, would I need you?  You are going to have to be quicker than that if you want to represent me. 

RYAN

I don’t want to represent you. 

DWIGHT

I do.  

MICHAEL(to RYAN)

All you have to do is listen.

(to DWIGHT)

You don’t listen.  You don’t listen to anything. 

DWIGHT

Yes I do.  I listen to my heart Michael. 

MICHAEL (incredulously)

Your heart?  Oh come on! 

RYAN takes this opportunity to sneak out of MICHAEL’S office. 

DWIGHT

The Shrutes not only listen to their hearts, but talk to them as well. 

MICHAEL rolls his eyes and walks out of his office to PAM. 

MICHAEL

Pam.  You know the meeting today? 

PAM

Your employee evaluation?  

MICHAEL

My manager evaluation, yes.  I want you to go and take notes. 

PAM

You want me to sit with you during your evaluation and take notes? 

MICHAEL

No, that would be redundant, wouldn’t it Pam?  I have something else I need to attend to, and I’d like you to take notes at the meeting and accept any awards for me, in my stead.  I’ve prepared a ‘thank you’ statement that you can deliver at the end. 

PAM

At the end of the meeting? 

MICHAEL hands her a folder sheet of paper.  PAM opens it and we can see there is only one line on the entire page but it is indistinct.  

PAM(reading the note aloud)

‘I’d like to thank god for blessing me with so much talent.’Why can’t you make it to your meeting with Jan? 

MICHAEL sighs and grabs the paper from PAM.  He stares at her pointedly and slowly backs into his office, never dropping eye-contact. 

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL

I resent Pam’s inference.  I’m spiritual.  I’ve always had a deep connection with the eternal.  The wind.  A rock.  A yellow flower.  You know I have an age-old wisdom, time-hardened, battle-scarred.  People say ‘life is short, enjoy every moment, you could die tomorrow.’  So?  If I die tomorrow am I going to remember the great time I had today?   

INT. OFFICE – HR 

TOBY and PHYLLIS are talking and looking at a printed email.  PHYLLIS looks close to tears. 

PHYLLIS

Is it hate mail?  Should we call the police? 

TOBY

Let’s not take it that far. 

PHYLLIS

Is it true? 

TOBY

No, I’m sure it’s just- 

PHYLLIS

I haven’t gotten a raise because I have a poor self-image?! 

TOBY

No, Phyllis.  Please- 

PHYLLIS

I’ve got to get another job. 

TOBY

I don’t think that’s- 

PHYLLIS rushes away.  TOBY is staring at the printed e-mail in disbelief.  It reads, “IF YOU LOST SOME WEIGHT, I’M CERTAIN MICHAEL WOULD GIVE YOU A RAISE. CHEERS. 

INT. OFFICE – MOMENTS LATER 

PHYLLIS is sitting at her desk, kleenex in hand, quietly sobbing.  ANGELA glares daggers at DWIGHT, who just stares at his desk. 

END OF ACT ONE   

ACT TWO INT. BREAK ROOM – AFTER LUNCH 

STANLEY, PHYLLIS, and KEVIN are standing at the counter, each eating a donut.   

KEVIN

So, do you think it’s true?  Did Michael really accept another job? 

STANLEY

God doesn’t like me enough for it to be true. 

PHYLLIS

I prayed during lunch that it was true. 

MICHAEL walks in just in time to hear PHYLLIS’ comment. 

MICHAEL(snorting)

I bet you found time to eat during lunch too.

(to the camera)

Would you look at these three?  Huh?  Huh? 

STANLEY

Michael is it true that we haven’t gotten a raise because of our weight? 

MICHAEL

What?!  What?! 

(sputtering)

Absolutely not!  Where did this come from? 

STANLEY(crossing his arms)

Dwight sent Phyllis an email that said if she lost weight you’d give her a raise. 

KEVIN

Are you accepting that job with Penguin Paper? 

MICHAEL

Job?  E-mail?  Geez.  Is this the Twilight Zone?

(singing the theme song to ‘The Twilight Zone’)

Creepy places, creepy places. 

MICHAEL backs out of the room, then bolts away to his office. 

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD 

MICHAEL(laughing)

Rumors.  Silly things. 

(sobering)

But seriously.  Did you see those three?  Stuffing their faces? 

INT. OFFICE – LATER 

JIM and PAM are talking at the reception desk. 

PAM

So, have you found out what Dwight and Michael were doing last night? 

JIM

No, but I have several creative ideas. 

INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE – LATER 

MICHAEL and DWIGHT are talking. 

MICHAEL

Did you see Fatal Attraction? 

DWIGHT

Seven times.  The Shrutes always learn from other’s mistakes. 

MICHAEL

Jan has been scaring me lately.  Reminding me of the psycho-lady in Fatal Attraction. 

DWIGHT

How so?

MICHAEL

First of all, she just won’t let go.  And then there is the whole ‘gotta see you in person’ routine. 

DWIGHT

The ol’ ball and chain. 

MICHAEL(snapping)

She’s not old Dwight! 

DWIGHT

The middle-aged ball and chain.

(beat)

It’s not that bad.  It’s not like she’s stalking you with a knife. 

MICHAEL

Jan is much more attractive than Glenn Close.  Don’t you think? 

DWIGHT

Much. 

MICHAEL

Mmm-hmm.  Don’t I remind you of Michael Douglas? 

DWIGHT

Not really. 

MICHAEL(dismissively)

I know.  Everyone thinks so.  I was probably named after him. 

RYAN_TALKING HEAD 

RYAN

I didn’t tell Kelly that Michael had the job.  But… She is not the best listener.

KELLY TALKING HEAD 

KELLY

I can’t believe it.  Michael’s accepted another job?  What is this wonderful news?  I wonder who will take his place.

(an unpleasant look crossing her face)

Not Dwight. 

(pause, then a pleasant look)

Maybe it will be Jim. 

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD 

MICHAEL

I feel two ways about this.  On one hand I’m angry at them for spending the day talking about rumors.  Should be working.  I strive to keep the environment professional and I expect the employees to do the same.  On the other hand, I’m thinking it’s sweet, you know?  All I have today is an interview and they are already upset.   

MICHAEL gets up and peeks through his window blinds at the office.  STANLEY, OSCAR, CREED and KEVIN are standing at OSCAR’S desk, shaking each other’s hands and patting each other on the back.  ANGELA is still glaring daggers at DWIGHT who is still staring down at his desk.  PHYLLIS is crying at her desk. 

MICHAEL (CON’T)

Poor Phyllis has been crying since she heard.  And Dwight.  Poor, misguided Dwight.  Look at the little guy.

(sigh)

I’m everything to these people.  What am I doing? There is a knock on door. 

JIM peeks his head inside. 

JIM

Michael?  Do you have a minute?   

MICHAEL(to the camera)

See what I mean?

(to JIM)

Sure, sure.  Sit down friend.  Sit down, let’s rap.  Let’s talk. 

JIM

Okay.  I just wanted to wish you good luck before your meeting with Jan today. 

MICHAEL

Jim, Jim, Jim.  I love you too.  Between you and I, I’m not even going to interview for that job.  I’ve decided.  How’s that for good news? 

JIM(strained)

That’s great news.  You were going to interview for another job?  With another company? 

MICHAEL

Nah.  Headhunters are always trying to lure me away with this and that.  I’m an industry legend.

(dramatically)

They’ve all heard of me. 

JIM

Sure.   

DWIGHT bursts into to office. 

DWIGHT

Michael, we need to talk. 

MICHAEL

You will get your turn.  I’m talking to Jim. 

JIM(edging towards the door)

I just remembered, I have a client I need to call.  Good luck again.

DWIGHT is standing over MICHAEL at his desk. 

DWIGHT

Can I have your job? 

MICHAEL

No. 

DWIGHT

Can I have Jim’s job? 

MICHAEL

No. 

DWIGHT Can you fire him before you leave? 

MICHAEL

I’m staying here Dwight. 

DWIGHT(overjoyed)

Oh Michael that is great news! 

MICHAEL

Yes.  The best possible news. 

DWIGHT

This calls for a celebration!  Let’s go again tonight. 

MICHAEL

I don’t think so Dwight.  After my meeting, Jan and I will probably head out for dinner, maybe some drinks.  Then, who knows? 

DWIGHT

Maybe we could go tomorrow night. 

MICHAEL

Dwight.  Listen to me.  I was intoxicated.  What happened last night was a freak accident never to be repeated.  Not tonight, not tomorrow.  

DWIGHTYou don’t mean that. 

MICHAEL

Oh I mean it. 

DWIGHT

You are just nervous. 

MICHAEL

I’m cool like ice. 

DWIGHT

I know you. 

MICHAEL

Get out. 

DWIGHT

We were a team last night Michael.  We were like Milli-Vanilli. 

MICHAEL

Get out. 

DWIGHT

But we look so cool together. 

MICHAEL(through clenched teeth)

Do NOT talk about last night to anyone.  Do you understand?  Now get out. 

DWIGHT exits the office in a hurry.  As he gets to his desk he throws a triumphant look towards JIM.   

DWIGHT

I know you don’t know what I know. 

JIM

Michael isn’t quitting? 

DWIGHT throws his hands up in the air.

INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA - FOUR O’CLOCK 

JAN walks in and is greeted by PAM. 

JAN

Hello Pam.  Is Michael in his office? 

JAN doesn’t wait for a response as she walks to MICHAEL’S office, raps on his door, and enters.  The office employees are all quiet, each one staring at the closed door.  OSCAR looks at KEVIN. 

OSCAR

You might as well pay up now Kevin. 

KEVIN

It’s not over until she leaves the office.  Think about it.  God knows how long, locked up in a room with him.  Excruciating. 

MEREDITH

Maybe we should have a going away party for him.  I’ll bring the drinks. 

DWIGHT

He’s not going anywhere. 

(defensive)

Papa won’t leave us. 

MEREDITH

We should have a party though. 

RYAN TALKING HEAD 

RYAN

These poor people.  I haven’t worked here that long, but long enough to know that this dream, this delusion, is so

(pause)

needed, that I don’t have the heart to break it to them. 

INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA - MOMENTS LATER 

JIM and PAM are laughing and talking together at the reception desk.

JIM

Maybe they went to a father-son scout meeting.  

PAM

Nah.  Little scouts need to be in bed early.  I bet they went night-bowling. 

JIM(laughs)

That’s a funny thought.  I wonder who would win.  You know, with all the pretty lights. They are both laughing. 

ROY walks in and PAM’S demeanor stiffens. 

ROYHey!  What’s so funny?

(pause)

Anyway.  Going for some drinks with the guys.  Don’t wait up for me, okay baby? 

ROY gives her kiss on the cheek and a slap on her ass, then leaves.  JIM and PAM both stare at the ground, the jovial mood ruined.

JIM TALKING HEAD 

JIM

Dwight loves Michael.  He would do anything for him.  I mean, I would rather barbeque three fingers on a propane grill than spend the evening hanging out with Michael.  Isn’t it strange how one person takes for granted what another craves?  One man’s jelly donut is another man’s pink frosted sprinkles.  Or vice-versa.(pause)

You know, there is a lot of that going on around here. 

INT.OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA - 4:45 PM 

The door to MICHAEL’S office finally opens and JAN steps out.  She shakes his hand, and makes a bee-line for the exit.  

MICHAEL(calling after her)

Toodles, Jan.  Call me! 

MICHAEL looks at the office door after JAN for a moment, then looks back at his office.  Everyone is staring at him expectantly. 

OSCAR

No tears.  She’s ice. 

KEVIN

She’s crying on the inside.   

KEVIN pulls out a bill and pays OSCAR. 

MICHAEL

I know what you are all thinking.  Is our leader going to abandon us?  Will we be leaderless? 

MICHAEL walks to PHYLLIS, who is seated at her desk still holding a wadded up Kleenex.  MICHAEL puts his hands on her shoulders and she stiffens. 

MICHAEL(smiling benevolently)

Are you crazy?  I’m not going to leave.  Leave this?  Leave you?  Leave Phyllis? There are audible groans of disappointment. 

DWIGHT(cheering)

Yes!  Karaoke every night! 

DWIGHT starts a slow clap.  MICHAEL shoots DWIGHT a glare and DWIGHT stops.  JIM and PAM share a look and both mouth “Karaoke?” 

MICHAEL

This place was like a morgue today.  I didn’t realize how important, well I knew I was important to you all, but until today I didn’t know how important.  It’s not about the money people.  And they had a lot to offer. But they couldn’t promise me a team as good as you guys.  You know?  We really are a big family.  It’s like Jan is the mom and me, I’m the dad.

(pause) 

And you, are all my children. 

END