Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended
Jim Halpert sat in the back of the classroom with a dozen other fathers, his knees bent up awkwardly in front of his chest. Apparently, first grade rooms only had chairs that fit first graders, and as a result, he was pretty sure he looked like some sort of strange grasshopper. But the uncomfortable seating wasn't the reason for his fidgeting.
One knee bobbed rapidly, and he repeatedly adjusted the plain blue tie he wore over his blue dress shirt. This is ridiculous he thought to himself, but the moisture he felt on his upper lip was real. He should not feel this way before talking to first graders. But there Jenny Greer’s dad stood in front of the class in bona fide firefighters gear, complete with a big hard yellow hat. And the entire class gazed upon him in wide eyed and open admiration. So, yes, he was nervous.
As Mr. Greer concluded his brief talk on what he did for a living, Jim’s stomach did an actual flipflop. Oh, so this guy runs into buildings to save small children and puppies? No big deal, kids. I sell paper. Jim levered himself up out of the tiny chair, certain that now it was his alphabetic misfortune to follow the firefighter.
Mrs. Avery, the teacher, thanked Mr. Greer and as the children clapped enthusiastically, Jim straightened his tie one more time, awaiting his introduction. That was when the unthinkable happened.
“Please sit quietly children, while I call in our next father from the hall. He has a special surprise for us.”
The children, who not two minutes ago had been in awe of the fireman, were now focused on a tall, smiling man who appeared in the front doorway. He was clad in khaki from head to toe, and he was pulling a rolling metal cart full of cages with one arm. On his other shoulder sat an enormous blue and gold macaw. As if this wasn’t enough, a tiny goatlike creature walked behind the cart, tethered to its handle.
Jim sank slowly back down into his undersized chair as the man began, “Hi. I’m Dr. Hacker, I’m Hannah’s dad and I’m a veterinarian at Claws and Paws.” Claws and Paws was the Scranton wild animal park – their version of a zoo. This, Jim decided, was simply not fair. He watched in misery as the children got to pet the minigoat thing and touch the snake’s scaly hide. He listened to their squeals of delight as the macaw repeated, “Pete’s an awesome bird. Pete’s an awesome bird.” Jim dropped his head and stared down into his tote at the origami animals Pam had folded for him.
He’d been grumping around the house last night, wondering how he was going to make selling paper exciting to six year olds, when Pam had offered to help. He was grateful for her origami idea, and prior to the last two dads’ presentations, he’d figured he had a fighting chance at distinguishing himself in front of his daughter’s class.
Ironically, the origami parrot was sitting right there on top in his tote, silently mocking him. Stupid paper salesman. Stupid paper salesman He swiped a hand over his face and let out a deep, defeated sigh. So loud that the dad next to him actually nodded his head in commiseration.
Face it Halpert – what you do all day is boring. You used to know that, he silently chastised himself.
The uproarious cheering and applause for Dr. Hacker startled Jim up and out of his chair, and as the Croc Hunter of Scranton exited with his menagerie, Mrs. Avery’s eyes fell upon Jim. He imagined he saw a tinge of pity in her smile as she announced, “And next we have CeCe Halpert’s father – please welcome Mr. Halpert, children.”
He took a deep breath, walked briskly up front and gave it his best shot. It wasn’t a complete disaster. Three of the boys were interested in the paper airplanes. There were only a couple of kids he lost entirely, and a few who whispered intermittently while he spoke. He glanced frequently at CeCe, who at least didn’t look embarrassed, and thankfully gave him her full attention.
She was so…perfect…his daughter. Cute, bright, funny. He had the best little girl in the universe, and he’d wanted so much to charm her class and make her proud of him. Instead, he’d gotten a reality check and painful reminder that he’d never been much of a go getter, career wise. As he returned to the back of the room to polite “Mrs. Avery warned us to clap for everybody” applause, he noticed several of the other dads looking morose as well. He wasn’t the only one who’d been badly outdone today.
Somehow, that didn’t make him feel any better at all.
Eventually all the fathers had taken their turns and were dismissed with thanks from the teacher and lots of applause from the children. He walked out to the car with CeCe’s friend Caroline’s father – he was a tax accountant. Neither of them said a word, but they shook hands before getting into their cars, eyes meeting in shared acknowledgement of humiliation.
Jim took his time getting back to Dunder Mifflin, driving around stewing and fretting, and by the time he got to work, Pam was gone for the day. Since Daniel was born three years ago, she’d only worked mornings. It was great for the kids, but it sure made his afternoons longer, and he wished she was going to be at work with him this afternoon in particular.
You know, on second thought, he decided it was best she wasn’t. She was surely happier at home with the kids rather than spending time consoling a two bit boring paper salesman. Dwight was insufferable all afternoon, and by the time five o’clock rolled around, Jim was in a funk of epic proportions. He snapped goodbyes to his colleagues as he left, leaving them with puzzled stares, and then climbed into his Outback and slammed the door closed.
He hesitated before he turned the key. For the first time in his life, Jim Halpert dreaded going home.
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Story Notes:
It's a short little story - only two chapters are planned The title is taken from the song "It's Only a Paper Moon"
Author's Chapter Notes:
Jim's visit to CeCe's first grade class has unexpected results. First of two chapters.
