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Truth fears no questions. ~Unknown
The day had started like any other day. It was actually the first night that Jim had slept through without waking up every hour or so. He felt refreshed and invigorated. He swiveled his feet off the bed and stretched his arms above his head. Today was going to be a good day.
Before he got in the shower, he went to check his email to make sure his eight o’clock class hadn’t been cancelled, as it was the case yesterday. He clicked the outlook icon at the bottom of the screen and the email window quickly popped up. He groaned when he saw no email from his professor. He didn’t mind the class, but it would have been nice to have the morning off. There was only one new email from his mom titled, Updates.
He clicked on it and began reading the long email. He smiled, seeing his niece, Vanessa, all dressed up in her marching band outfit and his nephew, Jack, in his baseball uniform. He scrolled further down, not really reading the email, but he stopped when he reached the last picture. He blinked a few times to make sure he wasn’t seeing things. Could that be…? No... He rubbed his eyes and leaned closer to his laptop screen. Even though it was a chilly morning, Jim began sweating. His body felt like it was suddenly in flames.
“No,” he breathed. “No. God, no.” A sorrow as black as night invaded him, and he felt his throat clamping.
On the computer screen he saw Pam holding a small baby. Whose baby was she holding? Jim couldn’t comprehend the picture. For a whole minute he didn’t move. Taking the time to regain control over his breathing, over parts of him that seemed to have had a will of their own.
His heart, mainly.
He grabbed for his phone and dialed.
Listening to the ring, his heart began pumping deliriously inside of his chest while his stomach began to turn as the air in the room became increasingly thinner. The phone in his hands slipped slightly in his sweaty palms and the taste of blood in his mouth grew stronger the harder he chewed on his bottom lip.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Mom. It’s Jim,” he said hastily. Although he’d just woken up, he felt tired, drained.
“Jimmy, I’m so glad you called. Your father and I were just talking about you. We were thinking of taking a little trip there in May. Wouldn’t that be great?”
“Yeah, sure… Hey,” Jim said. The air that felt so thin earlier now felt as though it might crush him. He struggled to find the right words. “I got the email you sent and—”
“Did you see Vanessa? She’s playing the trumpet like it’s nobody’s business. Your dad and I are taking her to see Wynton Marsalas when we go to Boston next month.”
His lips had gone dry. He licked them and found his tongue had dried too. “T-that’s g-great mom. I wanted to ask you about the um…picture of the girl and,” Jim swallowed. “The baby?”
“That’s the girl I’ve been telling you about. That’s Pam. “
His mind reeled for a moment not able to wrap itself around his mom’s words. “P-Pam? Umm…?” Jim said, biting back the tears that were stinging his eyes.
“She’s the daughter-in-law of the owner of a publishing company your dad is investing in. Her mother in law was the one with cancer?”
“Da-daughter-in-law?” The words tumbled out of his mouth. Pam was married?
“Well… not really. See, I guess she was dating one of their sons but when they were traveling down to Philly from somewhere upstate, they got into a car accident and he passed. She and the baby made out okay. She’s been living with them ever since.” Betsy said with a bit of annoyance in her tone, “I told you this, Jimmy.”
It took him a moment to register what she just said. “I-I um… I forgot…” His lungs deflated as his heart began to hammer painfully against his rib-cage. “They’re f-fine, right?”
“Yeah…It was a miracle that the baby survived. She was only a few weeks along when it happened.”
“Oh….” It wasn’t possible. His throat began to hurt and his nose started to run causing him to sniff a couple of times.
“Are you feeling ill?”
“No mom…It's umm...allergies.”
“Take care of yourself, Jimmy.”
“I’m,” he said dismissively, “Hey mom, how old is the baby now?”
“She’s a few days old. She was born last Thursday. We went to visit her, and Jimmy she is the cutest thing,” Betsy said fondly.
Just a few days? A cry left his lips. Could it be?
“Jimmy, are you okay?”
Jim wasn’t sure how to describe the crumbling feeling that took place inside of him. The room felt too hot – sweat was bursting from his pores prickling his skin. Was this really happening? Was he looking at a picture of his daughter? “I’m fine mom….” He took a deep breath, “Do you know the baby’s name?”
“Yeah, she named her Cecelia Marie. It has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?”
Jim closed his eyes and covered his mouth as the tears now ran down his cheeks. That was his baby. Cecelia was his little girl. He had been blissfully ignorant about Pam. Now it seemed as though someone had puncture his memory safe, and every emotion that he had ever felt for her was draining out.
“Is she okay? H-How’s she?”
“Who? Pam or the Baby? Well, doesn’t matter. They are fine, Jimmy. Why are you so interested in her?”
“I-I um… I thought…” The room was swooping up and down, swaying side to side. “She looks like someone—” he said.
“You know her?”
Unable to speak, he merely sat there, the will to move, to talk, or to listen now completely gone. Of course he knew her. It was Pam. It was her. His chest seemed to be imploding and a strange tingling deep within his heart made him unable to speak.
“Jimmy? Are you still here?”
Jim felt like a man sliding down a steep cliff, clutching at shrubs and tangles of branches and coming up empty handed. “Y-Yeah,” he mumbled through lips that didn’t feel like his own. “I’m h-here…”
“You know her?”
“Umm…No,” Jim lied. “I don’t know her.”
“Okay. But Jimmy, I have to go now. Your dad is taking me to the Chateau for dinner.”
“Okay, mom.”
“Take care of yourself and Margaret will call you to arrange our visit.”
“Okay…”
“Bye, Jimmy.”
“Bye, mom.”
Betsy hung up the phone, but Jim still held the phone to his ear. He sat there looking at his computer monitor displaying the picture of Pam and Cecelia. He reached his free hand to touch the screen, running his finger over their smiling faces. There wasn’t a doubt in his mind that Cecelia was his.
His hand began hurting, and he realized he was still clutching the phone with enough strength that his fingers were turning white. He slowly let go of the phone and it fell out of this grasp with a thud on the floor. Jim was momentarily numb. He didn’t know what to think. What to do. What could he do?
He stood up from his desk chair and began pacing around the room. Questions kept circling his mind. Why would Pam keep this from him? Why would she lie? Why run away when he could have given her everything she could have possibly wanted? He kept raking his mind for the reasoning why Pam would do this, but deep inside he already knew why.
He made her to this. This was his fault.
He needed to see her.
He was leaving for Philly…today.
***
Pam woke up with the morning light shining through the dappled blinds in her room. She was seated on the glider with Cece slumbering in her arms. She looked around the room and spotted Roy, fast asleep, sprawled out on the small couch in her room. He looked very uncomfortable; his face was pressed into one of those stiff decorative pillow and his arms and legs drooped over the arm of the sofa. Roy had been helping her with Cece, so that she could get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.
She slowly stood up and walked over to the crib. When Cece didn’t stir, Pam carefully eased her down. For a moment her tiny arms and legs waived as if searching for mom’s warmth and her face creased up, as if she was about to cry. Pam laid her hand on her tummy until, reassured by contact, the baby finally relaxed.
Pam had been home for a few days now and was finally getting a routine down. Roy played an integral role in helping her adjust and in the process he became very attached to her little girl. Pam watched her sleep and thoughts that had been circling her head ever since Cece’s birth came front and center.
Pam wanted to do the right thing. She didn’t want to lie to Adele anymore. Bring on the consequences of her actions, she was ready for it. She deserved it. After Cece’s birth she saw things a little differently than she did before. She didn’t want Cece to grow up living a lie because she was too much of a coward to face the end results. As she marveled at her baby’s velvet skin, at eyelashes so dark and perfect, the pink rosebud mouth, Pam made a silent promise. No matter what she had to do from here, Cece would not be a part of her lie.
A hand on her shoulder snapped her out of her stupor. She turned around and found Roy standing behind her. His face was crumpled and creased and his hair was sticking up in all different places.
“Is she sleeping?” He asked – his voice hoarse from sleep.
“Yeah, I just put her down. I slept on the glider after I tried to nurse her.”
“Still having a tough time with that, huh?”
Pam sighed and nodded.
“I passed out on the couch. I don’t even remember hearing her cry,” he said still trying to wipe the sleep off his eyes. “Did you get much sleep?”
“I did. I got a few hours before she woke up.” Pam sighed and ran her finger over Cece’s rosy cheek. “She’s not the only thing keeping me up, though,” she said.
“What do you mean? Was I snoring?” Roy asked, blushing all kinds of red.
“Oh no, it’s not that,” Pam said.
“What is it then?”
Pam looked down at Cecelia then back at Roy. “Umm…” she said moving away from the crib to sit on the edge of the bed. “Sit,” she said patting the empty space next to her.
Roy frowned, but followed her instructions. “Pam, what is it?”
“I’ve been thinking,” she began a bit unsure. “I see things a little differently now that Cece is here.”
“Yeah, she changes everything,” Roy said, eyes sparkling with expectation.
“I don’t want her to grow up amidst all these lies, you know?”
The flicker of hope was gone. Roy was silent.
Pam glanced over to the crib and then back at Roy. “I can’t have her believe in something that isn’t true. This,” she said gesturing all around her, “Is not real. It’s a make-believe world that we’ve made up and she’s just being dragged into it.”
“Pam,” Roy said standing up. He looked even more disheveled than before. “You are not thinking of… No, you can’t.” He shook his head. “This is not make-believe anymore. You and Cece are family. You can’t leave.”
“I didn’t say anything about leaving. I’d love to stay here, but I don’t want to live this lie anymore. Cece’s dad is not deceased.” The words spilled suddenly and unexpectedly, came out before she could yank the leash. She immediately wished she hadn’t brought him up. She wished she could take it back.
A look of surprise passed across Roy’s face. “He might as well be. I’ve been more of a father to her and he ever was.” Roy said, sitting stubbornly back down next to Pam. “I’ve been there since the beginning.”
“I didn’t give him a chance. He doesn’t know about her,” Pam argued.
Roy just looked at Pam and the room fell silent. “Is that what this is about?”
“About what?”
“What do you think it will happen if he finds out you’ve been hiding her from him? Huh? What do you think he is going to do? I’ll tell you what he will do… He will take Cecelia away.”
Cecelia began to softly whimper and Pam was quick to rush to her crib side and take her into her arms. She looked down at her innocent little girl and thought about what Roy had just said. Pam began rocking her, holding her tight against her chest. Jim wouldn’t take Cece away, would he?
“Pam,” Roy said, standing up. “Remember why you ran away in the first place.”
Pam bit her bottom lip looking up at the ceiling, determinedly ignoring him.
Roy just wanted to take her, sweep her in to his arms, hold her, shake his person out of her mind her. Protect her from making what seemed to him to be the biggest mistake of her life. “This doesn’t have to be a lie, ya know?”
“What do you mean?” Pam asked.
“Pam,” Roy said, standing very close to her. “Stay with me.”
“Roy…”
“Don’t say anything, just think about it. We can be a family.”
Pam was silent. As noble as it sounded, it was still a lie. Adele would still think Cece was Kenny’s daughter. Cece would grow up without her real dad.
Pam sighed. “I want to tell your mom the truth.”
“Don’t. She’s finally getting better. I haven’t seen her this good…since before she got sick.”
“This shouldn’t have gone this far.”
Roy chuckled bitterly and began pacing around the room. “So, your solution is to take Cece from us, just like you took her from her father?”
“That’s not what I’m doing, and you know it,” Pam spat back at him.
“It’s what it sounds like.”
Cece began fussing again. “I- I think you should leave.”
“The truth hurts, huh?”
“Roy—“
“Don’t worry, I’m leaving. But think about the consequences of what you’re thinking of doing.”
With that, Roy left and shut the door forcefully behind him. Pam just stood there rocking Cece. “It’s okay, sweetie. Everything’s okay.”
Everything will be okay.
***
Jim sat in a window seat aboard an American Airlines flight, watching pair of uniformed airline workers remove the wheel chocks. The plane taxied out of the terminal and, soon, he was airborne, cutting through the clouds. He pulled the print out picture of Pam and the baby from his pocket and rested his head against the window – drifting, wondering, imagining…
Chapter End Notes:
I Hope this made up for the last chapter. Let me know what you think.
