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Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad. ~Aldous Huxley
Twenty minutes after his flight landed in Philly, Jim was sitting on shredded upholstery in the backseat of a taxicab on his way…home. The driver drove nonchalantly through the streets Jim knew so well. The last time he’d traveled those roads was more than an year ago going the other direction. Pam would be the only reason he’d be back to the one place he vowed to never return.
He didn’t have a plan. He didn’t know what he was going to do exactly. Thinking about everything made it hard to breathe. He opened his mouth, ordering his lungs to draw in air, but he felt as if he was breathing through a drinking straw. The image of the little baby in Pam’s arms had created a fog in his mind, disabling his every coherent thought. All the effort it took for him to finally be able to live without Pam, now seemed in vain. He felt like a gerbil in a wheel—run, run, run, no traction, no ground, and all an illusion.
So far the idea of seeing her again had a dream-like quality in his head. He’d been waiting for this day for so long that his mind was still reeling in a backwash of doubt. One thing was certain: he was not going to confront her. The last thing he wanted to do was push her away. He wouldn’t be able to face himself in the mirror every morning knowing he hurt her any more than what he already had.
As soon as the cab stopped in front of his parent’s house, an awful feeling lodged in his throat. He paid the cabby, pulled his backpack strap over his shoulder, and stepped outside. He took a lungful of air and walked to the front door. He rang the door bell and its chime was cacophony to his ears. Martha, their housemaid, answered the door.
“Mister Jim?” she said in her thick accent.
“Hey, Martha,” Jim said and hugged her. “It’s nice to see you again.”
“I can’t beeelive me eyes!” She said enthusiastically. “Mrs. Halperrr,” She called. “Mister Jim’s home!”
Jim hesitantly stepped inside and listened as the clicks of his mother’s heels grew louder. He racked his fingers through his hair and waited for her inevitable shrills.
“Jimmy!!” Betsy exclaimed, walking briskly towards him.Click-click-click.. “I can’t believe you’re standing here! Is everything okay? What happened?”
“Oh, nothing. It’s um… spring break there, so I decided to surprise…you.”
“What a wonderful surprise!” She said and pulled him into a big tight hug. “Your dad will be elated to see you. He’s on a business trip, but should return tonight.”
“Good.” Jim said. “I can’t wait to chat with dad.” His subtle sarcasm lost on Betsy. Jim looked his mom up and down and noticed that she was completely dressed up. “Are you going somewhere?”
“I was going to visit the Anderson’s granddaughter.”
“T-The um… baby from the picture?”
“Yeah,” Betsy said. “But I can go there tomorrow. We should—”
“No!” Jim exclaimed, causing his mother to frown. “I mean, you gave your word. You should go. I umm… I’ll accompany you and we can do something after.”
“Are you sure? It’s not a big deal, Jimmy. I’ll just tell them—”
“No, no…. I don’t want to interrupt your plans. I’ll just…go with you.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay then. Muniz is waiting for us outside.”
Jim followed his mother to the waiting town car and folded himself inside. This was it. There was no turning back. He wondered if his mother could see right through him because he was certain all his emotions were visibly raw on his face.
“So tell me about Australia,” Betsy prompted him, patting him slightly on his leg.
Jim briefly mentioned school and work, but veered the conversation elsewhere. He wasn’t up to talking about…anything. He was more preoccupied with what he was going to tell Pam once he saw her. But he was even more concerned with her reaction. She ran away from him. What would hinder her from doing it again?
When they arrived at the Anderson’s house, Jim’s stomach began churning. An acidic taste began rising in his mouth and he felt utterly dizzy. As soon as Betsy pressed their door bell, Jim began feeling his blood pulsating in his ears. Their housekeeper promptly opened the door and led them inside. Jim stepped cautiously over the threshold, looking around the foyer as if waiting for something to jump up in front of him.
“I’m going to inform Mrs. Adele you’re here.”
“No problem,” Betsy said.
Not a minute later an older woman with a scarf wrapped on her head walked in to greet them.
“Betsy!” she exclaimed. “It’s so good to see you.”
“I hope I didn’t come on a bad time.”
“Nonsense. I was just about to go check on my Cecelia. “
As soon as Cecelia’s name was mentioned Jim felt something new churning inside of him. Something he had never felt before. He felt…protective of her? She was his – his Cecelia.
“Adele, this is my youngest son, James,” Betsy said.
Jim extended his hand to Adele and strained for a smile, “Nice to meet you. Call me Jim.”
“Jimmy arrived from Australia today. It was a surprise,” Betsy said. “He’s tagging along with me so I can properly pay a visit to Pam and the baby.”
“Pam went for a walk, but should be back in no time. Cece is sleeping upstairs. She went down just—”
“May I use your bathroom?” Jim interrupted. “I need to… freshen up.”
“Of course. Would you mind using the one upstairs? We are working on the one down here.”
“Yeah,” Jim said. “No problem.”
“It’s the second room to your left.”
“Okay, thank you,” Jim said and began to slowly ascend the stairs. He carefully walked down the long hallway and entered the bathroom. He stood with both hands on either side of the sink and looked in the mirror at the thing insisting to be his face. The dark circles under his eyes contrasted with his pale skin, his hair stuck out in various places, and if his eyes got any more bloodshot, he was going to start seeing everything in shades of red.
He turned on the tap and scooped up handfuls of cold water and splashed his face several times. He needed to get himself together if he was going to accomplish anything today. He dried his hands and face and opened the door. He carefully stepped over the threshold looking at both ends of the hallway. Jim began to make his way towards the stairs, but he caught a whiff of something familiar coming from one of the rooms. For six months that scent had always been the first thing to greet him when he’d wake up in the morning. He slowly pushed the room’s door open and his breath caught in his throat. This was her room.
Everything about the room was so familiar and yet completely different. The book left haphazardly opened on the night stand, the throw over the bed, the cardigan over the arm chair, even the way the clothes were folded on top of the bed took him back in time to her little apartment back in Scranton. If he closed his eyes he could smell her wonderful scent, but this time there was a new fragrance mixed with hers.
He looked in the corner of the room and there he saw a crib, bathed by the afternoon light. He exhaled slowly and without thinking he began taking measured steps towards it. When he got close enough he saw a tiny baby wearing a pink stocking cap and a footed onesie. His eyes traveled to baby’s button nose, down the curve of her flushed cheeks, to her little mouth, sucking diligently on a pacifier, and finally to her full baby belly, that rose and fell with her calm breathing.
A small cry escaped his lips.
He tentatively reached inside and ran his finger over her rosy cheeks. The small baby flinched slightly, kicking her little legs in the air. His eyes began to sting and he blinked a few times to shoo away the tears that were trying to escape. In spite of everything, he hadn’t quiet believed this baby actually existed.
He doesn’t know how long he’d been standing there, staring at Cecelia. He was afraid that if his attention wandered for an instant, she would disappear. But his trance was interrupted when he heard the bedroom door screech open. He swiveled his head to see who it was and as soon as he saw a glimpse of auburn hair he felt like he was hovering in another dimension, looking down at himself from above.
She had her back to him, saying something along the lines of, “I think she’s waking up…”
Jim braced himself, staring at the ceiling. He tried to breath and couldn’t. He tried to blink and couldn’t. The moment felt surreal – no, not surreal, absurd – it had knocked the breath out of him, brought the world around him to a standstill.
This was it.
***
Pam walked back into the house after going for a short walk around the block. She entered through the kitchen and took the baby monitor from the counter and turned the volume up high. She listened carefully, but…nothing. Cecelia was still asleep. She opened the fridge and took a water bottle and walked into the living room.
“Oh, Pam…” She heard someone call.
She lowered the water bottle from her lips and saw Betsy standing there with Adele. “Hey, Betsy,” she said.
“How are you?”
“I’m doing well.”
“I’m glad to hear it. I came to give you a proper visit. Gerry was in such a rush at the hospital,” Betsy said, rolling her eyes.
“Don’t worry about it. But if you don’t mind,” Pam said sheepishly, “I’m going to freshen up a bit and I’ll be right down.”
“Oh, of course. Take your time. Adele was just telling me how little Cecelia is keeping everyone up at night.”
“Oh, yeah… she’s got the lungs…”
“Kenny wasn’t a big crier, but Roy wouldn’t stop until his belly was nice and full …” Adele commented.
Adele and Betsy continued sharing stories while Pam slowly excused herself from the conversation. She walked up the stairs and just as she was about to enter her room, Adele called, “Pam, is Cece still sleeping?”
She turned towards the stairs and said, “I think she might be waking up.” She turned back and pushed the door all the way open.
“Oh my God,” she said and the water bottle she’d been holding, fell out of her grasp. A jolt of fear, as powerful as an electrical shock, ripped through her. “W-wha…What are you d-doing here?” She blinked a few times to make sure she wasn’t just seeing things, and that her mind hadn’t decided to materialize her intimate dreams.
“I-I…” Jim couldn’t formulate an answer. Having Pam so close to him after all these months caused a sensory explosion inside his head. “I c-came to s-see you.”
“H-how? I-I…” Pam shook her head and bent down to pick up the water bottle. This couldn’t be happening. “Whh…why? H-how?”
Jim turned and looked inside the crib, then back at Pam. “Is s-she mine?”
The question hit her like a hammer between the eyes. She felt the color drain from her face. Her legs went cold. Numb. “H-How did you find me?”
Jim slowly exhaled, took a few steps towards her and said as evenly as he could manage, “Pam, is she my daughter?”
She looked up into his eyes and felt her knees wobble a little at the intensity at his stare. But before she could answer, the bedroom door flung open and Betsy and Adele entered the room. Pam quickly turned away to hide her tears.
“Oh, there you are,” Betsy said to Jim. “We thought you were lost, Jimmy. I see you’ve met Pam.”
“Umm...” Jim said and cleared his throat.
“Pam, this is my youngest son, Jim.”
Pam wiped her eyes quickly and extended her hand to Jim, working hard to keep her voice, calm and in control. “I-It’s umm…nice to meet you.”
He walked a few steps towards her and slowly brought his hand closer to hers. The minute the heel of their hands touched a flash of something warm travelled through their veins, raising every hair on their bodies.
“I-It’s nice to meet you too,” he mumbled, clinging to her hand as if his life depended on never letting go.
Adele and Betsy walked around them towards Cecelia’s crib and everything surrounding them disappeared. Sight, sound, hot, cold - none of it existed as Jim and Pam tried to grasp the magnitude of what was happening.
“What do you guys say?” Betsy asked and the world rushed back in. Pain and noise return, not in small pieces, but large: a bombardment.
“What?” Jim said, turning towards his mother while Pam’s hand slowly fell from his grasp.
“How about we all go out to lunch?” Betsy repeated.
“I-I think I’m tired. You know…” Jim’s face twisted and strained to stay composed. “I need... to umm…rest. Long flight,” Jim explained.
“You must be exhausted,” Adele chimed in.
“Yeah, I’m,” he said and looked at Pam. “I need to go home and rest.”
“How about you, Pam. Lunch?”
“Oh, I just ate and Cece… she’s still sleeping. You umm…never wake a sleeping baby,” Pam chuckled nervously, attempting to mask the turmoil raging through her. “Rain check?”
“No problem, dear,” Adele said. “I guess it will be just you and me.”
“Jimmy, do you mind calling a cab from here?” Betsy asked.
“I-I um…can call a cab.”
“Okay,” Betsy said. “Go home and sleep. You do look a little pale,” Betsy said.
The women exited the room, leaving Jim and Pam alone. They still hadn’t moved from their rooted spot. The tension could be cut with a knife. Jim began to say something, but Pam raised her hand and interrupted him.
“Not here,” she said.
“But—”
“We can’t do this…” she gestured around them. “…Here.”
“I need to know.”
“You need to go,” she said and moved towards the crib, scooping Cecelia gingerly out. With knees trembling, she retreated to the other side of the room. “You can’t stay here.”
His eyes searched hers and for the first time he saw a hint of terror. Jim watched the way she clutched Cecelia tightly to her and the way she kept looking past him towards the door. He walked towards where she was standing and reach up, framing her face with his hands, barely touching her. “What are you scared of?” He whispered.
The heat of his hand seeped into her. “Don’t take her,” Pam pleaded.
A tear rolled down his cheek. “She’s mine, isn’t she?” His voice as low as a murmur.
His question was a tortured whisper that Pam had heard Jim utter many times in her dreams. Pam looked away with a face full of self-reproach. In her dreams he said those words in a fit of anger. But his sorrowful tone made her eyes fill and her cheeks burn. Pam opened her lips to say something, but not a sound followed, for there stood Jim, looking at her with a heartbreaking expression she’d never seen before.
Pam’s mouth moved wordlessly. She began to say something, but stopped and met his gaze.
She nodded.
“…a daughter,” Jim said softly, tasting the word. He felt his body go limp. His hands slowly fell from her cheeks and covered his mouth for a moment, struggling for control. Even though deep inside he knew Cece was his, hearing from Pam made it real. He took a few steps back and shook his head. My little girl. He bit his bottom lip, holding, in vain, the tears at bay. “Why did you lie to me?” He asked.
Silent tears fell down Pam’s cheeks. “I-I was scared. I t-thought you were going to take her from me.”
“Why would I do that?”
Pam opened her mouth to answer his question, but Cece chose that moment to awake with a startled cry. It was almost as if Cece sensed that something was out of kilter..
Jim watched Cece’s little face turn bright red and her little body contort in Pam’s arms. “Is she okay?” Jim asked concerned.
As soon as his words were out, Pam’s expression softened. The fear died from her eye, to be replaced by some other emotion. One she hadn’t felt in a long time. “Yeah…We probably startled her.” Pam said, propping Cece on her shoulder, while crooning softly to her.
Jim tentatively took a few steps towards Pam and placed his hand over Cece’s back and began gently moving his fingers. For one perfect moment all the pain, all the agony of the last nine months fell away. A swell of love ballooned in his chest. He tilted his head sideways watching Cece’s little face scrunch and her little lips tremble. “Are you sure she’s okay?”
“Yeah. She just doesn’t like to be awakened from her nap.”
“Oh,” Jim said. “E-Everything else is good with her, r-right?”
His concern was breaking every barricade Pam built to shield herself for him. “Yeah… everything is good with her.”
“And you?”
“I’m good too.”
“She has all ten fingers,” Jim said, moving his hand from Cece’s back to hold her little hand.
“All twelve toes too,” Pam said. That earned her one of his lopsided smiles that never failed to light up her insides and, feeling instantly guilty, she looked away.
Just then, they heard the front door open and close.
“Pam?” Roy called.
“We can’t do this here. You have to go,” Pam said with urgency in her tone.
Jim gazed at Cece’s tiny fingers tightly curled around his and a longing washed over him so intense that it was hard to keep himself steady. “I-I can’t… not until I tell you everything.”
“No here,” Pam said adamantly.
“I’m not leaving. I’m not risk losing you again.”
“I’m not going anywhere” She felt her tongue betray her as the words tumbled out of her mouth. “I-I um… I can meet you tonight. We just can’t do it… here.”
Jim looked at her hesitantly and said, “I’m staying at this hotel.” He pulled a card from his pocket and offered to her. “Meet me there tonight?”
Pam hesitated, but when she gazed at Cece’s finger curled tightly to Jim’s she couldn’t deny him. “Okay.”
Jim looked at her with pleading eyes. “I need to tell you everything,” he murmured, dipping his head in as if he were going to kiss her and stopping just a breath away from her lips, “Don’t leave, okay?”
“I won’t.”
Jim smiled and lowered his lips to touch Cece’s closed fist, the barest of brushes. “I’ll be waiting.”
Chapter End Notes:
More to come. Thanks for reading.
