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Love is when you can be your true self with someone, and you only want to be your true self because of them. ~Terri Guillemets
Jim drew in a breath and his serious green eyes captured Pam’s.
“My dad has been manipulating my life since before I can remember,” Jim began. “From early on he made sure that my brothers and I knew that the company was our future. I went to college, got my BA, and then I went to grad school. I did really well and dad wanted to make me the company’s overseer. That was when he began controlling my every move.”
“How?” Pam asked.
“He told me who I could hang out with, who I could date. He had body guards follow me when I went out. I couldn’t move without him knowing what I was doing.”Jim closed his eyes, swallowing the bitter taste of those memories. “I felt trapped. I realized I didn’t want that life anymore. I began doing things that I’m not proud of. I rebelled. That was when I met this girl, Katy...”
Cece stirred and Jim paused watching her languidly kick her legs against his chest.
Pam leaned forward to look at Cece, dismissing the rush of heat she felt from being so close to Jim again. She would certainly not acknowledge the jump and stutter of her heartbeat.
“Is she dreaming?” Jim asked, looking down at Cece’s perfect round face.
The corner of Pam’s lips drew slightly upward. “Maybe.”
Jim propped Cece on his chest and began to tenderly rub Cece’s back. “So, Katy and I began seeing each other, nothing serious. But she saw me, a rich, rebellious kid, and saw an opportunity. Things between us fizzled and we went our separate ways. But two months later, she returned, pregnant, claiming I had forced myself on her and that she was going public with it unless we paid her a hefty amount of money. For seven months I lived in agony, but when the baby was born, it all proved to be a lie. She just wanted money. The I-told-you-so from my parents came shortly after.”
Jim’s wounded gaze bore into Pam. She could see the war going on inside him. He didn’t want to remember, and yet he couldn’t escape the memories.
“After all that had happened, I couldn’t stay in Philly anymore,” he continued. “There were more restrictions, double the number of bodyguards…I was living in a prison.” Jim sighed as those forgotten days began playing in his mind like a horror movie. “Everything crumbled down, Pam. Everyone at work looked at me differently and all the friends I thought I had… left.”
Pam remained quiet. She felt the need to say something in response, but she couldn’t think.
“So one day I just… left. I found myself in a small diner where I saw a newspaper ad for the sales job at Dunder-Mifflin.”
He leaned forward, clutching firmly to Cece. “I wanted to tell you everything. I knew the longer I waited, the worse it would be. But I didn’t know how you would take it. I couldn’t risk losing you. You were the only thing in my life that mattered.”
Pam swallowed the lump lodged in her throat and said, “You were going to tell me that night weren’t you?”
Jim settled back on the couch, cocked his head slightly and said, “I had been planning to tell you for days - waiting for the perfect moment. I did decide to tell you that night, but after I left work I found my dad standing in my living room. He had some private investigator track me down.”
“Wow,” Pam said.
“He told me that you were just like Katy and that you were pregnant.”
“What?” Pam said bewildered. “How did he know?”
“He had PIs following you too.”
Pam suddenly felt sick to her stomach.
“He told me he had proof that you knew who I was and that you were out for my money. So when you told me that night…. I lost it, Pam. It seemed that I had gone back in time and all the anguish I felt came rushing back. But this time it was worse because… I was in love with you.” Tears welled in his eyes. “I was a wreck after you left. I took the assistant manager job in Stamford. I couldn’t stay in Scranton anymore. Everything reminded me of you.”
Pam held herself tight, hugging her arms around herself.
Jim locked eyes with her, “I know this doesn’t excuse what I did. I know that. I should have listened to you and…” He let the words linger on his trembling lips. “I-I was wrong.”
Pam wiped the free tears rolling down her cheeks.
Jim looked at her with same warmth in his eyes he had when looking at Cece and said, “Pam, I’m sorry.”
There was a beat of silence before Pam said,“I’m sorry too.” Her gaze fell to her hands intertwined on her lap. “I umm…. I left because I was sacred you were going to take her from me.”
“I know.” Jim said and looked down at Cece. “I said those things because I couldn’t go through that again and I didn’t want her to be collateral damage. I would never and will never take her from you. Ever.”
Pam flashed a tight smile. “I know that now.”
Pam held her breath and watched Jim’s face, the changing expression written there as he formulated his next question.
“What happened after you left? How did you end up here?”
“Roy, the guy you saw on your way out today, he worked in the warehouse and overheard me asking Iz if she knew a place I could crash for a couple of days. He told me his brother was leaving for Philly and had a place. I agreed to go, but on our way there…”
“He crashed the car,” Jim interrupted, feeling his stomach churning. He looked down and ran his fingers tenderly over Cece’s cherub cheek.
“Yeah, he didn’t make it. But Cece and I somehow make it out okay.”
“Really? Nothing?”
“Well, there were a few bumps and burses.” Pam closed her eyes as if remembering. “I spent almost a week at the hospital, but nowhere near as bad as it could have been. So, Adele, who was really sick at the time, thought that I was Kenny’s girlfriend and that Cece was his. Joe, Roy’s dad, persuaded me to go along with Adele’s belief in exchange for a place to stay. I wanted to say no, but what would I do? I had no money, no job, and no place to go.”
“Adele doesn’t know truth?”
“No.”
“Are you going to tell her?”
“I want to, but…. It would break her heart and she’d been nothing but loving and…”
“Pam, you need to tell her.”
Her heart pinched. “I know… It’s just....” Pam sighed and veered the subject “How’d you find me…us?”
Jim noticed that was a sore subject. He wasn’t going to push it any further. “My mom actually talked about you all the time, but she never mentioned your name. On Tuesday I got an email from her with a picture of you and Cece at the hospital. I just…” He locked eyes with her. “I knew she was mine.”
Jim stood up and sat next to Pam. He repositioned Cece in his arms and with a free hand he laid it over her stomach, fingers spreading wide across her waist to encompass her abdomen in a shockingly intimate gesture. Pam’s heart quickened to his touch.
Jim’s mouth worked as if he were trying to bite back words, fighting desperately to get out. Finally as if coming to some inner decision, he blew out a breath and said, “Did you think of me while she was lying in here? When you could feel her moving? When it was just the two of you?
His voice was filled with sadness. She could almost see his broken heart. She squeezed her eyes tight shut and hung on until the jabbing guilt in her heart subsided. It was as if he had read her mind. Had he been there with her in the darkness, when the restless baby in her womb kept her awake, bringing her back to him.
She turned away, as if she couldn’t bear to look at him. “I’m sorry you had to find out this way. I wanted to tell you. I really did.” She wiped the tears rolling freely down her cheeks. “When I knew Cece was coming, I called you. I know I should’ve called you earlier, and I thought about it many times. But for some reason realizing that the baby inside me was actually real and coming made everything clear. You needed to know, Adele needed to know…” Pam released a trembling breath and said, “I wanted you to be there.”
Jim cupped her chin and turned her face so that he was looking directly into her eyes. “I would’ve come back in a heartbeat.”
Cece began to stir and it wasn’t long before she began making sucking motions with her mouth.
“She’s hungry,” Pam pointed out.
Jim handed her to Pam and Cece quickly nuzzled at her chest.
“Do you need me to umm…” Jim said, trying to excuse himself. “I can go and you—”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to leave.” Pam turned and grabbed a blanket to place over Cece and herself.
Jim watched her slip a couple of buttons on her shirt open, but after a moment Pam began clicking her tongue, frustrated.
“Everything okay?”
Pam sighed. “She has a hard time latching.”
“Is there anything I can do?” Jim asked.
With the shake of her head, she drew in a deep, quivering breath. “No. I keep trying, but… she won’t… I-I think I’m just going to give her a bottle,” Pam said discouraged.
Pam buttoned her blouse and removed the blanket from herself and Cece and turned to get her bag. Hurt and longing hung over her like a darkness.
“I can hold her, while you do that.”
Pam surrendered Cece back to Jim. He laid the infant against his shoulder where she clung to him, snuffling and nuzzling into his neck.
Pam looked back at him, palming away tears that were clinging to her lashes. Pam yearned for that intimate connection with her baby. Cece was so little and she was already failing as a mother.
“Hey…” Jim said, moving next to her. His protective instincts screamed to gather her close. “What’s wrong?”
Distraught, unable to express her loss in mere words, she dismissed his inquiry and took a thermos from the diaper bag and filled a bottle with milk she’d pumped earlier. “Do you want to give her the bottle?”
“Y-Yes.”
Jim lifted the baby from his shoulder, feeling nervous as Cece flailed her closed fists in the air. He held her for a moment, looking down at the small, frustrated bundle. He kissed her little head and carefully laid her in the crook of his arm. Cece began nuzzling his shirt and her whimpers grew louder. Jim took the bottle from Pam and offered to Cece.
Cece sucked on the bottle, but she let it go and started to whimper again.
“Am I doing this wrong? Do you want to do it?” Jim said nervously, watching Cece’s face turn cherry red. A flicker of uneasiness sputtered in Jim’s chest. “Maybe you should try nursing her again.”
“She won’t…” Pam’s voice broke, “latch.”
Her tone, broken and anxious, touched him. “Anything I can help? Have you tried to um...” Jim said looking around. “Maybe you should sit here,” Jim said, holding Cece with one hand, while placing a few pillows against the headboard. “That way you’ll be more comfortable.”
Pam eyed him hesitantly.
“I just want you to be more comfortable,” Jim affirmed.
Pam moved cautiously across the bed and sat with her back against the pillows.
“You good?” He asked
Pam nodded.
Will you trust me?”
She looked up at him, with his tousled hair, the dark stubble on his chin. Her heart speeded up and her breath came in quickly. Pam didn’t know what Jim was doing but yes, she would trust him. Pam nodded and eased herself against the pillows.
Jim moved closer to her, and without thinking he opened the buttons on Pam’s shirt, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Immediately his mind sandbagged him with memories of nights they’d spent together. The heat of a blush traveled up his neck.
He shook the thoughts from his head and laid Cece in Pam’s arms. “Here.”
Pam instinctively opened her bra, but she immediately regretted it, feeling bare and vulnerable. “I’ll just give her the bottle,” Pam said, tugging at her shirt.
“Just… try, okay?”
Jim laid his hand on Pam’s shoulder and began to gently knead the tension from knotted muscles. Pam tried to speak, to protest, but the only sound that emerged was a tiny squeak from the back of her throat. The truth was that she couldn’t have done or said a word to stop him. Didn’t want to stop him…
Pam slowly released her shirt, watching Cece eagerly attempt to suckle, but failing. Cece began to whimper again, her cries piercing the air.
“Just relax, okay? No rush; it’s just us.”
Pam smiled at Jim and looked down at her frustrated, hungry babe. “I know you wanna eat,” Pam said, positioning Cece closer to her. “Let’s try eating, huh?”
Pam brought Cece up to her and her little mouth began to instinctively suckle, but not yet latching. “C’mon,” she said, running her finger over Cece’s rounded cheek. Jim held his breath, watching them.
“Ahh,” Pam gasped as Cece’s eager mouth finally fastened on. “Oh yeah…. Like that….” A sense triumph swelled inside her like a balloon. “You got it!”
“Hey,” Jim said, looking down at their baby, whose eyes closed in ecstasy, feeding with serene contentment.
“We did it,” Pam said, with the most contagious smile adorning her face.
The room fell silent as they watched Cece satisfy her hunger. Jim watched Pam enjoy this intimate moment of motherhood as only a husband, a father should see it. He sat there perfectly still, scarcely daring to breathe, wanting to hold the moment, freeze this timeless image in his memory. He brushed his lips against Pam’s hair and then, for one perfect moment all the pain, all the agony of the last nine months fell away.
Pam felt the touch of his lips against her hair and the warmth of his mouth, his breath against her temple… She looked away. Once she felt as though she could look at him without wanting to wrap her hands in his hair and pull him close, so close, she shifted her gaze to him. “Thank you.”
“I didn’t do anything.” He touched his forehead to hers and Pam hadn’t prepared for the move and sucked in a gulp of air. “It was all you.”
Cece eventually stopped suckling and looked sleepily up at Pam.“All done, Cee?” Cece blew small milk bubbles. “I’ll take that as a yes.”
Pam handed Cece over to Jim and instructed him to gently pat her back, while she went to the bathroom.
Pam looked at herself in the mirror, running her hand through her messy curls. She buttoned her shirt and smoothed her hand over the wrinkles. She turned on the cold water and splashed her face a few times. She dried her hands and face and leaned on the edge of the sink. Jim had shaken her more than she’d thought he would. Just being near him again had awakened feeling and emotions she’d trained herself for nine months to ignore.
Now those old feelings were back and she wasn’t sure how to handle them. After all, it wasn’t as if she had a lot of experience with this sort of thing. Before Jim, there’d been only one other guy in her life, and he hadn’t come close to affecting her in the way Jim had.
She returned to the room and found Jim sleeping with Cece, relaxed and fluid, over his chest as single lamp threw a puddle of golden light across both of them. Jet lag had finally caught up to him and it would be cruel to disturb him. She walked cautiously to the edge of the bed and slowly moved Jim’s hand from Cece’s back. She gently scooped Cece up and placed her in the car seat. She stood before Jim one last time. She saw him so clearly now. Nothing had changed, nothing had faded. She raked her hands through his hair before returning to the Anderson’s.
Chapter End Notes:
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