*
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The only way you may correct the bad things in your past is to add better things to your future. ~Shiloh Morrison
Jim had once again slipped seamlessly into Pam’s life. The uneasiness and doubts had vanished and worn down to become something more comfortable, like the cardigan you take out of your drawer on rainy Sunday because you need to surround yourself with something cozy and familiar. Being in that restaurant with him, talking to him, joking with him was effortless. There was nothing else she needed.
Adele, entering the living room, said, “Who was that?”
Pam lifted Cece from the car seat and said, “That was Jim.”
“Oh,”Adele said and extended her arms towards Cece, gently taking her from Pam’s arms. “Did he leave? Why didn’t you ask him to stay for lunch?”
“We actually just ate at this little breakfast place,” Pam said.
“The one on Pearl?”
“Ummm…” Pam thought. “I think so.”
“They have the best pancakes,” Adele said with a simple smile tugging the corner of her lips. She looked down at Cece and said sweetly, “Did you eat lots of pancakes, Cece-bear?”
Roy, unconcerned about where they had gone, asked, “Didn’t you just meet this guy like, yesterday?”
“Umm…. Yeah,” Pam said nodding.
“He seems like a nice guy,” Adele interjected and added, “I think she needs a change. Don’t worry,” Adele waived Pam off before she had a chance to take Cece, “I got this one.”
Adele began ascending the stairs and without warning, Roy grabbed Pam’s elbow, guiding away from the foyer and said, “What were you thinking going on a date with this guy?”
“What? Roy,” Pam said yanking her arms off his grasp, “We were not on a date.”
Roy ran his hand over his face and said, “And you brought Cece along!”
“Roy, Cece is my daughter,” Pam said. “And if you think that I’m stupid enough to put her in any kind of danger you’re delusional.”
“Pam, you don’t know who this guy is! He could be some weirdo looking for an opportunity—”
“Stop,” Pam interrupted. “He’s a decent guy and we just went for pancakes.” Pam closed her eyes, trying to keep herself calm and in control. “I’m not talking about this anymore.”
“I don’t want you seeing him again.”
Pam chuckled. “Roy… Look, the whole protective thing is….endearing. But you can’t possibly think you can tell me not to see him again.”
“I’m just protecting you, Pam.”
“You don’t need to protect me, Roy. I know what I’m doing.”
“Don’t you see how crazy this is? Pam, you don’t know this guy.”
Jim is Cece’s father. The words piled up in her mouth and tangled there, a chocking weight, because she couldn’t tell him that.
“What did you say?” Roy asked.
“Nothing,” she said. Had the words slipped out of her mouth? “I didn’t say anything.”
She saw Roy’s face crumble. It was like watching an apple-head doll in time lapse photography, watching it shrink and shrivel and cave-in on itself. “H-he’s her d-dad?” Roy stuttered.
Pam froze, horrified at her own lack of control. Her mouth became painfully dry, her throat ached. She pressed her hand to her mouth, as if to hold anything else that might slip out.
“No… he’s not. He can’t,” Roy said, closing his hands into fists and shaking his head.
“Look,” Pam said, pushing her parched lips into words again. “He’s not here to take Cece. Just…listen—”
“I’m listening,” Roy interrupted, raising his voice, “That’s the problem I’m listening.”
“Don’t yell,” Pam said, looking towards the stairs.
“Don’t yell? Are you kidding me Pam?” Roy bellowed, his face hurt and angry. He took a small vase that was resting on a side table and threw it on the floor. The sharp porcelain pieces scattered all around their feet. “C’mon!”
“You need to calm down,” Pam said and began walking towards the stairs, but Adele appeared at the top, making Pam freeze.
“Everything okay down here?” Adele asked, taking slow steps down.
“Y-Yeah,” Pam said as nonchalantly as she could manage.
“I umm...” Roy began. “I bumped into the vase and it fell,” He explained, bending over, either to pick up the pieces or to hide the fury in his eyes.
“Roy,” Adele called, reaching the bottom step. “You’re going to cut yourself.”
“I’m fine, mom,” Roy said through clenched teeth while moving all the broken pieces to one place.
“Just ask Antonia to help you with that before you get hurt,” Adele said. “I came down to tell you that Betsy invited us to dinner at her house tonight.”
“What?” Roy and Pam said in unison.
“Betsy is having a dinner party and she invited us. I guess she’s just happy her son is back.” She smiled. “I think you and Jim will get along really well, Roy,” Adele said.
Roy shot a glance at Pam and said, “Oh, I’m sure we will.”
“W-When is dinner?” Pam asked, feeling the blood pulsate in her ears.
“We should arrive by seven.”
“I can’t wait,” Roy said.”
***
Pam didn’t know what Roy was up too, but she could see the gears turning in his head. The rest
of the afternoon and well into the evening, Roy had been quiet, scheming. He hadn’t said a word and had barely directed his attention to her. Pam held herself tight – nothing good could come out of Roy’s sudden passiveness. He was a ticking bomb and he could blow at any minute.
When the car pulled into the Halpert’s driveway, Pam felt herself shiver. She pulled Cece out of the car seat and held her close to her, feeling the baby’s weight grounding her to the floor. She placed a blanket over her daughter and stepped out of the car. Pam felt heart pounding when the front door opened and Betsy appeared with a huge smile on her face. There were so many layers to the paralysis she felt that at moment that she could barely count them.
“Adele, Joe, Pam, and Roy,” Betsy said cheery, “Welcome to our house.”
Pam slowly stepped inside, feeling her stomach churning. It was a beautiful house - it seemed relatively untouched by humans. If she thought the Anderson’s house was spacious, this house made it look small and insignificant. Even though the vastness of the house should have felt commodious, Pam felt restricted and imprisoned.
Just when Pam thought she couldn't breathe anymore, Jim appeared from one of the doorways in the far left corner. Her gaze immediately gravitated towards his. In the short amount of time that Jim held her gaze, he had already seen the terror beneath her eyes. His eyebrows furrowed.
“Is this little Cecelia?” Betsy asked placing a hand over the covered bundle in Pam’s arms.
Betsy’s words snapped Pam’s gaze back to her. “Yeah,” she said.
Betsy pulled the blanket far enough to see the blond wisps of Cece’s hair. “It’s almost like she’s grown since I saw her yesterday.”
All of a sudden, Roy approached Pam and placed his brawny arm over her shoulder. “I know. I still remember how tiny she as when we brought her home from the hospital. Heck, just yesterday she was nudging my hand in Pam’s belly,” Roy said, with a surplus of pride oozing out of him. “She was the most active late at night, remember Pam?”
Pam looked at Jim and the sheen in his eyes vanished – emotions she couldn’t quite define hovered over him like a dark cloud. That was Roy’s plan – to mark his territory. To make Jim know that his genetic connection to Cece did not come close to the bond he had with Cece.
“I remember that first sonogram,” Roy continued, reached for his back pocket, and pulled out a flimsy black and white picture, holding for everyone to see. “She was just a small bean here.” Roy slowly bent down and placed a small kiss over Cece’s fuzzy head. “She’s our big girl now.”
From the corner of her eye, Pam could see the ripple effect of Roy’s words on Jim’s face. Pam forced a smile and said, “Yeah, time flies. Umm….Betsy,” Pam changed the subject. “Something smells really good.”
“It’s probably the Cheese Soufflés. They smell delicious, don’t they” Betsy said. “But please, come in, and help yourselves to the appetizers.”
In the far corner of the room a few platters of finger food sat on fancy stands. Pam walked towards it, shrugging Roy’s arms from her shoulders. She reached for something that looked like a quiche and slowly placed it in her mouth. “Yummm” she said, although she could only taste Roy’s bitterness in her mouth.
“Hey, Jim,” Adele said. “It’s good to see you again.”
“It’s good to see you too,” he said, extending his hand to shake hers.
Just then Gerry walked into the room, with a huge smile on his face. “If it isn’t my favorite…family.” Gerry shook Joe’s hand and said, “How’s the business?”
“It’s going really well. Roy here,” Joe said patting Roy on his back, “Has improved the Niles plan I was telling you about…”
The men continued talking business while Pam discretely walked to the other side of the room. Her ears were buzzing and when she felt she was going to lose her balance, someone tug on her hand, pulling her away from her rooted spot. She looked up and saw Jim’s outline pulling her through the shadows of a long hallway. He guided her into a room and locked the door behind them.
The room was dark except for the parallel silver lines on the wall made by the moonlight pouring through the blinds. Pam could barely see the dim outline of Jim’s form, but she could feel his warm breath close to her. She opened her mouth to say something, but then she felt Jim’s hands on either side of her face. The room fell away. Pam felt Jim lean over her, his breath, warm and measured. Then she heard him stop breathing, and a second later, she felt his lips touch hers.
It wasn’t the sort of kiss she’d had with him before. It was so soft it was like a memory of a kiss, so careful on her lips that it was like someone running a finger along them. The kind of kiss she could lean into and take anywhere she wanted. Her heart missed a few beats and her hands slipped slowly from around Cece. Jim slowly let his hands drop from her face and circled them around her, keeping them both secured. Pam sighed against his mouth, and he tightened his embrace, drawing her even closer.
When their lips parted, neither of them breathed. Pam looked up at him and even though it was still just as dark as when she entered the room, she could see the gleam back in his eyes.
He leaned his forehead against hers and whispered softly, “I’m sorry, I just…” He exhaled.
“He knows,” Pam said, still feeling the tingle of his kiss all the way to her toes. “He began questioning and I-I let it slip. Don’t let him get to you.”
Jim tightened his embrace around them and leaned over, kissing the wisps of blond hair on Cece’s head. He let his lips linger a little longer than usual. “We have to go before they notice we’re both gone.”
Jim started to leave, but Pam called after him, “Jim.” He turned around and she said, “She’s yours.”
He walked up to her and kissed her again. This time she recognized his kiss - hungry and ardent. For a moment, her worries melted away in the warmth of his lips.
“I know,” he sad against her lips. “I just…I needed to know you’re mine too.”
As Jim slipped out into the darkness, Pam began to recollect herself. She stepped out into the hallway, but Jim was nowhere to be seen. She slowly walked back to main room, attempting to hide the smile plastered on her face. But it was hard to keep her mind on this dinner party when she was floating about three feet off the ground. She found a photo resting on a bookcase and focused on it. She adjusted Cece on one arm and picked it up, looking into the little faces staring back at her.
“Those are my boys: Pete, Tom, and Jim. Larissa didn’t come till later. She was our little surprise.”
Pam turned to see Betsy looking over her shoulder at the picture she was holding. Jim was just a small baby and the similarities between him and Cece were uncanny. The cheeks, the blond hair, the ears… Could Betsy see that too?
“Cece is just…” Betsy began, but waved her thought. “Dinner is almost served. Shall we?” Betsy asked.
Pam smiled and followed behind Betsy down the hall.
“Hey, Pam,” Roy called. “They have mini grilled cheese sandwiches. Remember how you craved grilled cheese when you were pregnant with Cece?”
Just then, Jim walked back into the room and said, “Did I hear someone say grilled cheese?”
Roy’s face brightened as if he was reeling the biggest fish in. “Yes. One time Pammy here was craving grilled cheese and since I was the only one around…It was up to me to find the nearest place where they had grilled cheese.” He smiled proudly and walked over to where Pam was standing. “I didn’t know what would’ve happened if I didn’t. You know,” he nudged Pam, “Crazy hormones.”
“I can imagine,” Jim laughed and added, “You know what, grilled cheese is one of my favorite foods. Hey Mom,” Jim called, “Did you get these for me?” Jim said pointing to the mini grilled cheese sandwiches.
Betsy walked to where they were standing and said, “Of course, dear. They are your favorite.”
Jim smiled at Roy and popped a grilled cheese into his mouth.
“Alright, everyone, dinner is served,” Betsy announced. “Pam, if you want you can set up the pack and play in a guest bedroom for Cece.”
Pam didn’t want to be away from Cece. She felt an ache in her chest at the thought of letting Cece out of her embrace. The little baby in her arms was what was keeping her grounded.
“The room is just down the hall and it’s the third door to the right,” Betsy instructed.
“Sure,” Pam reluctantly agreed.
“I’ll take her,” Jim said, feeling bold.
“Umm… sure. Just...the baby monitor’s in the bag,” Pam said.
“I’m all over it,” he whispered.
Jim took Cece, cradling her protectively in his arms, and suddenly nothing else mattered – not even the stares that were boring into him, closing in and trapping him where he stood.
Chapter End Notes:
Happy Thursday everyone! I apologize for not replying to your reviews...I promise I'll get to them soon as things ease down on my end. Your kind words is the red bull that keeps me up until the weee hours of the night writing (and not Hannah_Halpert threatening to come to my house =) =)
Thanks for sticking with me. Luvs
