*
*
I set fire to the rain and I threw us into the flames. Where I felt somethin' die, 'cause I knew that was the last time, the last time. - Adele
Jim drove back to the Anderson’s house with the earlier events playing in his mind like a horror movie. A clear hot flame of anger sparked to life inside of him as he remembered Roy’s verbal rampage. Jim didn’t know what he would’ve done if Cece hadn’t been strapped to his chest. The little infant had been his center of balance, keeping him steady and in control.
Jim pulled up on the Anderson’s drive way and walked up the front steps. But before he had a chance to ring the bell, the door flew open.
Pam stood before him, eyes glazed, skin pale. There was a shade of deep sadness on her face.
A myriad of questions raged through his head. “What happened? Is Roy come back? Where’s Cece?”
“Sh-she’s right here.” Pam said, pointing to the car seat on the floor. “I-I can’t s-stay h-here,” she said and broke down in sobs.
Jim pulled her close, wrapping his arms around her. The wetness of her tears soaked through his shirt to bathe his skin. He cradled her closer, keeping her safe, breathing in the familiar scent that mixed with the very essence of her. While he hated seeing her in distress, he couldn't help but think how it felt so good, so right, with her in his arms.
“Pam, tell me what happened,” he said, bending his head down to look at her, feeling the tremors racking her body with each sob, her ragged breath as she clung to him. “Did you talk to Adele?” Jim asked, but she didn’t answer. Drawing back a fraction, he cupped her face in his hand, prompting her to look at him. Damp, spiky lashes parted and reddened green eyes looked into his. “Did you talk to her?” He repeated.
“S-She… S-She’s n-not...” The words were fractures, broken, ripped from within her. “S-She’s h-hurt… I h-hurt her…” Pam mumbled. “I-I have to l-leave.”
Jim kissed her cheek, tasting the slightly salty moisture of her tears. “I’m sorry, Pam.” He pulled her even closer and whispered against her hair. “Come with me?” he asked.
“W-Where?”
“My parent’s house.” Before Pam’s confused look turned into a question, he quickly added, “My dad is away and we’ll have the house to ourselves. At least until we can figure things out. Plus, it’s better than bringing her to a hotel room.” Jim released Pam with a kiss and went to grab the car seat. Cece was alert and looking straight up at him. “Please?” he asked.
Pam smiled faintly and nodded.
The drive back to Jim’s parent’s house was silent. There was nothing he could say to dull Pam’s anguish. She had to come to terms with this predicament on her own. The deafening silence inside the car was only broken by Cece’s whimpers. Pam immediately swiveled her head back to check on her.
“Is she okay?” Jim asked, looking in the rearview mirror.
“I think she’s hungry. What time is it?” Pam turned forwards, looking at the time on the dash board. “Yeah, it’s been more than two hours since I last nursed her. She’s hungry.”
“We are almost there,” Jim said, looking at his rear view mirror. “Just a few more minutes.”
Once they arrived, Jim led Pam to what used to be his room and went to find his mom. But Betsy was nowhere to be found. Jim questioned the housekeeper, but she didn’t know where Betsy had gone. Adele wasn’t the only one dealing with the repercussions of this situation and it pained Jim to know that his mother was also grief-stricken with how everything had turned out. This fact alone put Pam’s pain in a whole different perspective.
Jim quietly ascended the stairs, entered his old room, and sat next to Pam, while she nursed a hungry Cece. The helplessness which Pam had felt just days ago while nursing the small baby seemed a thing of the past. The easiness emanating from her put a smile on his face.
“How are you feeling?”
“I’m…” Pam sighed. “I just feel this was all my fault. I shouldn’t have let this snowball like it did.”
“I think, and correct me if I’m wrong, that there’s a lot of blame to go around for everyone. It’s not ALL your fault. ”
“Adele will never forgive me.”
“I think you need to let her process everything before you say that.”
“The way she looked at me…she was so angry and heartbroken,” Pam said, wiping a few pesky tears pooling at her eyes. “I’ve seen her at her lowest and I’ve never seen that look on her face.” Pam heaved a heavy sigh and said, “I must’ve been delusion to expect a better outcome.”
“I think you need to go easy on yourself right now, otherwise…” Jim added, “This self-deprecating feeling is going to take precedence over everything else.”
“I know all this. Trust me. It’s just…I can’t help but feel this way.”
Instead of trying to convince her otherwise, Jim just placed his arm around his family and pulled them closer. Although he looked calm and composed, his body was tense and tightly coiled. The effects of what had happened earlier were still rippling through him. He had never, before this, felt so protective of someone before.
The next words came out straight from his heart, “I promise you, no matter what happens, I will always be there fo you, someone you can count on. I’m here for you always.”
“No matter what happens?” Pam asked.
“No matter what happens, because…” Jim said, curling a stray curl behind her ear, “I love you.”
****
When Betsy returned home after running a few errands, she was surprised to see Jim’s car parked on the driveway of the house. She entered the house and went to Jim’s bedroom.
“Jimmy?” Betsy said, knocking on the door. When he didn’t answer she slowly began to push the door open. “Everybody decent?” She asked, but still no answer. She then cautiously peered into the room and the sight that greeted her was just too sweet for words.
Jim was sitting on the bed with pillow shams behind his back, dozing. With one hand on Cece’s back and the other on her diapered bottom, he held her securely on his chest, over his heart. She was also slumbering – her little mouth was parted in the tiniest ‘o’ and her little fingers were tightly clasped around dad’s shirt.
Not wanting to disrupt, Betsy began to slowly close the door, but the creaking noise woke stirred Jim awake. “Pam?” He asked, his voice wrapped with sleep.
“Hey,” she Betsy said. “It’s me. Just making sure you guys were doing okay. You can go back to sleep.”
“No, no…come in…” Jim said, sitting up a little straighter. “I probably shouldn’t sleep while I watch her anyways.” Jim looked down at Cece and placed a light kiss on her fuzzy head.
“You are a parent, not a babysitter, Jimmy. Cuddle away,” she said with a smile. “You guys doing okay?”
“We’re okay. As okay as anyone can be in this situation.”
“How’s Pam?” Betsy asked.
“She’s in the shower,” Jim said pointing towards the bathroom.
“No, how is she? Is she okay?”
“She’s devastated by all of this. Adele has been a mother to her, more than her own.”
Betsy walked further into the room and sat next to him. “Adele loves Pam like she’s her own daughter. I can’t see Adele rejecting Pam, or Cece.” She placed her hand gently over Cece’s back. The warmth radiating from the baby was enough to whelm her heart. “Adele needs time to take it all in,” Betsy said, smiling down at the sleeping baby. “Adele will come around.”
“I hope so,” Jim said with a sigh. “Where’d go? Are you just getting in?”
“Yes. I was running a few errands. But don’t worry, I’m not staying long.”
“Mom, you don’t have to go. Seriously,” Jim pleaded. “Don’t make me feel like I’m kicking you out of your own house.”
“Jimmy, you’re not kicking me out. I actually have some unfinished business to deal with,” Betsy said.
“Does it involve dad?”
“Don’t worry about me or you dad,” Betsy said dismissively. “Worry about Pam and the baby.” Betsy flashed a strained smile. “Oh, I told Martha to stock up the fridge. And before I forget…I have a humidifier that you can use. The air can get so dry in here.” Betsy said waving her hands around.
Jim smiled. “We are okay, mom. Really.”
“Don’t set up the pack and play next to the window. It can get really drafty at night.”
“I know, mom,” Jim said, taking Cece’s tiny hand and placing a small peck there. “But I don’t know if I can surrender her to that thing.”
Betsy patted Jim’s leg. “She’s got you wrapped around her little finger already.”
Jim chuckled. “Maybe.”
Just then Pam walked out of the bathroom and into the bedroom toweling her hair dry. “Did you happen to see my… Oh,” Pam said noticing Betsy. “Hi Betsy,” she said – her flushed porcelain cheeks contrasting vividly with the white bathrobe.
“Hey, Pam,” Betsy said standing up. “I was just telling Jim that if you need anything for Cece or yourself, to just let Martha know."
Pam’s demeanor shriveled like that of an introverted child. "T-Thank you. I-I will.”
“I’ll be on my way now,” Betsy said. She approached Jim and gently rubbed Cece’s back. She then walked up to Pam and hugged her unexpectedly. She held on to Pam just a little longer. “Okay,” Betsy sighed. “I’ll see you guys around.”
“Betsy…I just wanted to say…” Pam began, but Betsy was quick to fathom what was at the tips of Pam’s tongue.
“I don’t need explanations or apologies,” Betsy said. “My son is back and I have a beautiful granddaughter. What happened in the past is the past.” Betsy paused and looked at Jim. “I made plenty of mistakes, but I want to right the wrong I’ve naïvely become part of.” Betsy’s eyes welled with tears. “You guys have a chance at a fresh start, don’t waste it.”
“Mom…” Jim began.
“I’m okay,” Betsy said, dismissing the tears rolling down her cheek. “I haven’t been this okay in a while.” She quickly dabbed at her eyes and added, “Take care now.” Without another word Betsy turned on her feet and walked out of the room.
“Do you think she’s okay with everything?” Pam said, sliding onto the bed, closer to Jim.
“I think she’s going to talk to my dad,” Jim said. “I told her about him and I don’t know how she’ll handle it.”
“This is a mess,” Pam sighed, her voice softening a bit. “Everything seems to be spiraling downwards. We keep hitting rock bottom, over and over again.” Her gaze touched his with the same intensity it always had, but there was something more. Though she was still struggling to mask the turmoil, he saw it.
“I think things can only look up from now on.” Jim looked down at little Cece as she yawned, showing off her gums, not opening her eyes. “Right?”
“I hope so,” Pam said. “But what does this mean for us?”
Jim sighed and rested his forehead against hers. “What do you want it to mean?” He asked. “I don’t have to tell where I want this to go.”
Pam smiled but there was a trace of sadness in her eyes. “I’m scared that…”
Jim saw the question forming and interrupted, “If you are scared that this,” he said gesturing between them, “Has run its course…don’t be. I think our story is just beginning. Actually,” he corrected himself. “It’s continuing…A new chapter.”
“A new chapter, huh?” She said with a smile.
“Yeah, and we can write it anyway we want it.”
“I like that.”
Jim closed the space between them in one fluid movement, and kissed her slowly, reveling in the way she reciprocated.
Chapter End Notes:
Thanks for sticking with me. Epilogue will follow. Much love! -D
