*
*
A lie has speed, but truth has endurance. ~Edgar J. Mohn
Pam woke up slightly disoriented. The brightness of the room made opening her eyes unbearable. She breathed slowly and deeply, stilling her eyes under her eyelids. She wondered if Jim had opened the blinds again. She didn’t know why that man wanted to be bathed in sunshine while all she wanted to do pretend morning hadn’t come. She tried one more time to pry her eyes open, but it was like a million razor-sharp blades were pricking at her brain.
“Urrr,” she groaned.
“She’s waking up.” She heard a deep voice resonate in the distance.
“You should rest, dear,” she heard another voice say – sweet and calm.
She tried opening her eyes once again and this time she could see a shadow hovering over her, but she couldn’t distinguish what it was. A pounding in her head assured her that whatever happened the night before couldn’t have been good. Maybe that’s why she couldn’t remember anything. The shadow slowly began taking shape and the face of a woman came into view.
“Hi, dear,” she said. “You’re okay now.”
Pam strained her eyes to look at the woman standing above her. She had never seen her before. She had piercing blue eyes, pale lips, and wore a purple scarf on her head.
“W-Whaa… Wherrr?” Pam mumbled. Her tongue felt like a lump of wood lying on the floor of her mouth, stunned - she could barely move her lips.
“You’re in the hospital, dear.”
Hospital? Pam tried to search her mind for a reason why she was at a hospital, but she couldn’t. Was she dreaming? “H-Hos-pital? W-Why??”
“There was a umm….a car accident,” the woman said and her dismal tone spiked a degree closer to panic inside Pam.
“A-Accident?” The word expanded in her head and filled all crevices of her mind, until it crowed out every thought, except one. “Oh my God,” she jolted forward, “M-My b-baby!” She placed her hands on her belly as if soothing the child inside of her.
The woman gently pushed Pam back down on the bed and ran a hand over her cheek. “The baby is fine. Everything is okay.”
Pam sucked in several deep breaths. “I-I.. i-is it really okay?”
“Yeah, the doctors said the baby is as healthy as it can be.”
Pam slowly leaned back down, feeling the woman’s soft pressure on her shoulder. She closed her eyes and her nose filled with the smell of rubbing alcohol. Pam tried to make sense of what was going on. She searched her mind, but the images were broken and blurred. The last thing she remembered was packing her bags and…. Roy’s brother Kenny was going to come over…. He did come over. She remembered hearing him honking, remembered the pickup truck….
“Is Kenny okay?” Pam asked.
The woman’s eyes filled with tears. She began to say something, but her voice cracked. She closed her mouth, opened it, and closed it again. Under the fluorescent lights, her skin appeared dead white and her demeanor seemed shriveled like that of a much older person. “I’m sorry,” she finally said, wiping the tears pooling around her eyes, “He didn’t make it.”
Tears sprung from the back of Pam’s eyes. She leaned into her hand, feeling her head pounding and her eyelids going heavy. Even though she hadn’t known Kenny for long, the news was heartbreaking. She just wanted to tear away from that place, that reality, and melt someplace far away.
The woman’s quiet tears turned into full sobs. The guy who had been standing in the corner of the room came closer to her and whispered something in her ear. She nodded and he ushered her outside. He returned to the room moments later and closed the door behind him.
“Hi,” he said. “I know you don’t know me. I’m Joe, Kenny’s father.”
“Hi,” Pam said. “I’m so sorry about your son.”
“Thank you,” he said and hesitantly dabbed a tear from the corner of his eye. “The woman who was just here? That’s my wife Adele, Kenny’s mother.”
“I’m truly sorry about what happened. I didn’t know your son, but he seemed like a really nice guy.”
Joe nodded. “Is there anyone you would like us to call?” He asked.
“No,” she said almost too hastily, which didn’t go unnoticed by Joe.
“What about the baby’s father?”
“There’s no father,” Pam said, shaking her head.
“No father?” Joe asked.
“No. This baby is mine only.”
Joe stood there looking at Pam’s frightened face. “This could work out,” he said under his breath.
“Uh? What will work out?” Pam was a bit scared of where this conversation was going. She didn’t know what this man was capable of. “I-I’m not giving my baby up.”
Joe’s features softened. “Oh no, dear. I don’t want to take your baby from you. I would never do that.” He said and walked closer to the bed. “You see, my wife is very, very sick. Kenny’s death has been really hard on her. However, she’s been hanging in there for the last three days because of you.”
“I-I’m very flattered. But I don’t understand...”
“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” He said. “This is a very delicate subject and I hope that you’ll understand where I’m coming from.” Joe pulled a chair closer to the bed and sat there. He looked very disconcerted. The dark circles under his eyes told Pam he probably hadn’t had any sleep since probably before the accident. “My wife thinks that you were Kenny’s girlfriend and that the baby you’re carrying is his.”
“Kenny is not my baby’s father,” Pam said wrapping her hands protectively around her stomach.
“I know,” he said. “Who is, then?
Pam stumbled, “I-I um… I don’t…”
“Pam, I want to make you an offer.”
Pam looked at him curiously; her heart tightened another notch inside her chest. “What do you want?”
“Roy said you were running away, right?” He asked, but Pam didn’t answer. “Well, I can offer you a home, a job, and I’ll take care of all your hospital bills if you do one thing for me.”
“What?” Pam said just above a whisper.
“That you go along with Adele’s belief, that the child you’re carrying is, in fact, Kenny’s.”
“I can’t, I don’t think…”
“Listen, my wife has been very sick. Taking this away from her will….” Joe could bring himself to finish the sentence. “Just think about it. No one will ever know you’re here. We’ll take care of this child as long as you want.”
Pam didn’t want to accept. As nice as the Anderson’s seemed, she didn’t know them. And living a lie? Could she do that? But she had to think about her baby. What other choices did she have? Maybe this was the escape she needed. If she didn’t agree, where would she go? She didn’t have money, she didn’t have a car. This baby deserved better. They both needed this lie right now.
“Okay,” Pam agreed hesitantly.
Joe smiled. “Thank you,” he said taking her hand. “You won’t have to worry about a thing. I’m a man of my word. You’re in good hands now.”
Not long after her conversation with Joe, Adele and Roy entered Pam’s hospital room. Roy was caring a bouquet of flowers and a balloon. Pam suddenly felt the room close in and the air become heavy and moist. She had just agreed to be part of this lie that would ultimately lead her where?
“Hi, sweetie,” Adele said approaching the bed. “Sorry about earlier. This must be all so overwhelming for you too.”
“Yeah,” Pam said. She looked into Adele’s hollow, glazed eyes and her heart broke. A mother should never lose a child.
“We’re here for you and my grand—”
“Mom,” Roy interjected, but Joe placed a hand on Roy’s shoulder and whispered, “It’s okay, son.”
“What is it Roy?” Adele asked turning her attention to Roy.
“Umm... Nothing. I just um… think Pam needs to rest, that’s all.”
“I agree with Roy, Del. You need to rest too.” Joe said. “Roy will keep Pam company.”
Adele leaned in and planted a small kiss on Pam’s cheek, “I’ll be back first thing tomorrow, dear.”
Pam smiled. “Okay.”
“Bye Pam,” Joe said.
Pam waved.
This could work, she told herself. This baby would need a family and the Anderson’s seemed nice. She would be safe. Jim’s family wouldn’t be able to find her. This would work out.
It had too.
“Hey,” Roy piped up, “I brought these for you.” He walked closer to the bed and handed her the bouquet. “I don’t know what kind of flowers you like, but I thought these were nice.”
“Thank you. They’re beautiful.”
Roy smiled. He then took the flowers and placed them in a vase by the window. “So, my dad um…talked to you?”
“Yeah...”
“You are okay with everything?”
“To be honest? I don’t know. It is my only option right now.”
“My mom needs you as much as you need us.”
“Yeah….”
The room fell silent. It was comforting to have someone there. She missed having someone there. She missed Jim very much. She still didn’t believe he did that to her. Maybe she should have listened to what he had to say, but she was too angry to digest anything at that moment. It was better this way.
Pam remained quiet, but squeezed her eyes shut allowing tears to roll down her cheeks. Roy noticed.
“Are you okay?” She heard concern in his voice.
“Yeah, um… It’s just….. hard.”
“I don’t know what you’re going through, but just know,” Roy said resting his hand on top of hers.
“That I’m here for you.”
* * * * * * *
Jim was in his apartment staring at the walls - bare, empty – a mirror for himself. He couldn’t sleep and this sort existing (not living) fused mornings, afternoons, and nights into one. He was completely numb, unfeeling—lifeless. He couldn’t stop thinking about Pam. If he closed his eyes, he could still smell her shampoo. He could feel the softness of her skin under his fingertips. He could also hear her laugh echoing sweetly in his ear. Jim couldn’t imagine living in a world without ever experiencing that again.
Why did he allow his dad’s voice to speak louder than his own?
He had to find a way to put this behind him. He needed to pretend the last six months hadn’t happened. As much as it pained him to lock those memories away, it was the only way he would be able to go on.
His phone began ringing in his pocket; he fished it out and sighed when he recognized the number on the caller ID.
“Hello?”
“Jimmy!” He heard a high pitch voice sound on the other end of the line.
“Hey, mom. Did dad give you this number?”
“He did, dear. I’ve been so worried.”
“I’m okay, mom. Tell dad he got what he wanted, I’m moving to Stamford,” he said bitterly.
“Listen Jimmy, you are an adult and I’m saving the lecture. But honey, you couldn’t have possibly thought running away was a good idea? Did you? It was weeks before we knew where you were.”
“I left a note.”
“Anyone could have written a note! Do you know how many scenarios played in my head?”
Jim felt a tinge of guilt. “I’m sorry mom, but I just needed to… get away.”
“Why didn’t you come to me? I’m your mother.”
“You wouldn’t have understood, mom.”
“You didn’t give me a chance, Jimmy.”
There was a beat of silence before Jim said, “Well, it’s all over now. You guys know where I’m.”
“Jimmy, I’ll be in New York next weekend, maybe you can drive up so we can meet for dinner?”
Jim thought about it, “I don’t know, mom.”
“It’s just dinner. I haven’t seen you in six months. Don’t make me pull out the you owe me card.”
“Um… sure, I’ll give you a call.”
“Make sure you do.”
“I will. Bye, mom.”
“Bye, hon.”
Jim ended the call and gazed at him phone. He scrolled down to Pam’s name and allowed his finger hover over the send key. He had called her many times and she hadn’t picked up one single call. He contemplated pressing the green key once more, but resisted. She didn’t want to talk with him anymore. If he was in her shoes, he wouldn’t want to talk to himself either.
He wondered what Pam was doing right now. He wondered if she was okay. Perhaps he could sympathize with his mom. He worried about her, not knowing where she was, who she was with…
Jim just hoped that someday their paths would cross and he would be able to tell her everything and anything she wanted to hear. He hoped that day came soon rather than later. For the millionth time, Jim wished things were different.
Chapter End Notes:
Thanks for reading.
