She felt the all too familiar knot in her stomach as they rode home in silence. She let her mind stray back, as it had been lately, to their first summer together, the hot months of trying to heal their wounds and rebuild their connections with constant sex and teasing and laughter. She was the center of universe in the way she had never been for Roy, or for anyone. It was wonderful, mostly, but it was too much sometimes. If she said a cross word to him, or decided she needed a night to herself, she would see the pain flicker across his face, and feel guilty. It was a heavy responsibility, being the only thing someone cared about. She remembered wishing that he had something else that mattered to him. Be careful what you wish for, she thought. She should have appreciated those days more. She wished she could go back in time.
He snuck a glance at her, trying to get some clue of what their evening might hold. The kids were going to spend the night at their grandparents house, so it was just them. Her face was inscrutable to him, as it sometimes was lately. He used to always know what she was thinking. At least he thought he did. He took some comfort that there were no tears or obvious anger, just that blank, tired expression he had become used to seeing.
He pondered what he might say, what new he could offer in terms of arguments or explanations or questions that would get them somewhere beyond the same frustrating conversations they had been having. Yes, he should have communicated with her better about Athlead. Yes, he knew it was hard taking care of the kids without him so often. Did she not understand that there was nothing he could do unless she just wanted him to give up on Athlead? Is that what she really wanted, deep down?
She briskly changed out of her work clothes into sweats, poured herself a glass of wine, and finally spoke, asking if he wanted one. “Sure.” He tried to sound light-hearted, but she recognized the tension in his voice. She started to feel guilty and pondered giving up on really talking tonight. The thought of him leaving in the morning with the same lingering distance between them, though, restored her resolve. She was going to go for broke.
She sat on the couch, pulled her feet underneath her. He joined her after a minute, now changed into a black tee shirt. He looked so handsome, but tired and a little wary. She felt the temptation to throw herself at him, to substitute that connection for really saying shat she felt. He surely would be relieved. It was no good, though, she knew. She had to break through this. She felt a real sense of urgency after hearing Brian’s broken voice. They were getting too used to being so far apart, to just moving on without resolving anything.
He wondered if he was supposed to start or if she would. Just as the silence was about to become awkward, she broke it.
“Jim, I love you more than anything but we can’t go on like this.”
He glimpsed for a moment the abyss of life without her. She saw the panic in his eyes, and realized she needed to clarify. She steeled herself and cut loose with exactly what she had been feeling during her darkest moments.
“No, what I mean is I don’t even know what is going on with you. I don’t really tell you what is going on with me. We can’t…I can’t. I can’t lose you Jim.“ She turned away from him, her voice becoming filled with emotion. “When I get so upset, it’s not because I’m too tired from dealing with the kids or that I’m angry at you for being gone. You want to know why I’ve been crying? It’s that…I mean where is this heading? How can I compete with hanging out with your favorite athletes and being a big shot? What’s gonna happen when this thing gets even bigger? How much…”
“Pam, no. I mean why would you think…”
“No, let me get this out. I need to get this out. We used to be…we were both fuckups. But it was fine. I didn’t care. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t hack college, or art school, or that I had this shitty job. I had you. We had our family. Nothing else mattered.”
“Pam, listen…“he spoke gently, put his hand on her arm.
“I’m not finished.” She let him keep his hand on her, but still didn’t look at him. “It was that way for you too. I know it was. But now…this is really happening. You’re doing this. Where does that leave me? What, I’m gonna be the wife of some President of a big marketing company who is paling around with Dr. J and Mike Smith, or whatever his name is? You’re gonna be traveling all over and I’ll be by myself in Philly not knowing anyone and cooking dinner for when you bring your big client over, and I’ll probably fuck it up, and you’ll realize you’re not supposed to be with me. You’ll realize your supposed to be with one of those women who has three degrees and can cook a perfect meal and keep the house perfect and impress your big shot clients with how smart and witty she is…”
She finally paused. He was dumbfounded, appalled at himself for being so clueless. He had thought that the reason she didn’t seem totally behind Athlead was because she didn’t want to leave Scranton and was frustrated at having to carry so much of the load without him. He had no idea she was worried about more than that. He grasped for the words that would reassure her.
“Pam, look at me.” He spoke with as much warmth as he could muster. She grudgingly peeked at him, holding back tears.
“Do you have any idea how over my head I am with those guys? I mean, I’m just scrambling to keep them from figuring out I don’t belong there. God, I can’t believe you think…trust me, Pam, I’m still a fuckup. And Pam…”
He scooted closer to her and put his arm around her. He paused until she looked at him, questioningly.
“I could never…” He shook his head and searched for the words. “I would be completely fucking lost without you. Like I was lost without you before. It would just be…over for me.”
She didn’t look entirely convinced. She spoke softly. “I feel like when I call you that you are just annoyed, that I’m interrupting more important stuff. It sucks to feel like you’re gone and don’t even want to hear from me.”
Jim cringed to himself. He was guilty. “I’m sorry, Pam. It’s really, really not that. It’s…I feel pretty helpless, you know? You call and there is some problem that I can’t solve and I feel guilty, but no matter how much I love you I can’t be in two places at once. I can’t get Cece to go to sleep over the phone from Philly. I know, like we’ve talked about, that this is really hard on you, I know the timing of this sucks. But you call and you’re upset and I feel like there’s something you want from me that I just can’t do, and yeah, I guess sometimes…”
“Jim, I don’t need you to solve everything. I just need to be able to talk with you without feeling like I’m stressing you out and annoying you. Even when my day hasn’t been the best, even when I can’t pretend that everything is awesome.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry.”
There was silence. She looked at him and saw his wheels turning. “Jim, just say what you need to say.”
He took a breath. “This just really isn’t working, Pam. It’s not fair to you, and it’s really not working for me either. I can’t give you all I need and give the company my best shot when you’re in different places. I feel split in two. That’s what got us here. It’s just too much. It doesn’t make sense. I mean I’m doing the best I can, you’re doing the best you can, and it gets us this. We need to be together, one place or another. I can sell my stake in the company, I’m sure one of the guys will buy me out. It’s going well enough I might come out a little ahead. Or, we move to Philly. I’m fine either way, I promise. But I’m not fine like this, feeling like you might be home crying and I don’t even know. Feeling like all the time I’m letting someone down.”
Pam was silent, but snuggled into him.
I mean it, Pam you’re the most important thing. You and the kids are the only important thing. If you truly don’t think we can be happy in Philly, then I’ll sell. Nothing is worth messing up our marriage.”
His voice became thin and emotional. “I know how you feel, a little…when you were in New York, sometimes I would wonder if you would find something there that…I thought maybe you would realize you weren’t supposed to be with me. I wondered if maybe you’d never come back.”
She looked at him, her face soft. He couldn’t face her, though. She saw the strain in his face, the same strain she saw on their third date when they finally talked about their past. She took his hand and started stroking it. There was only one answer, but it was still a hard one for her to swallow. Something about the idea of moving to Philadelphia scared the hell out of her. But there was no other way. How would it feel for him if Athlead took off with him back in Scranton, at the same dead end, having given up on it for her sake. How could he possibly not resent that? How could she live with it?
“We’ll move,” she said softly, but with conviction.
“Are you sure?” He couldn’t hide the happiness in his voice.
“Yes. I mean it only makes sense. And you’re right. This just isn’t working.”
He puller her into him hard, squeezed her. “It has kinda sucked, hasn’t it?”
She pulled away from him just a bit, and looked at him. “Listen, though…this isn’t the solution to everything. We’ve got to get it together. I mean major life decisions, what we really think about stuff…we’ve got to do that as a team. You’ve got to talk to me. Even when you’re afraid of my answer or of pissing me off. We’ve got to deal with shit together. I don‘t want to feel anymore like I‘ve been feeling.”
His expression was lighter. He looked unburdened. “You’re right. But it’s a two way street. If you cry, I want to know about it. And it‘s Schmidt, by the way. Mike Schmidt.”
“Okay. Whatever. She rolled her eyes, but then became serious again. “You know, though, sometimes it’s gonna be a problem you can’t solve.”
He looked at her knowingly, and nodded. She knew him well enough to know that he had surely had his fill of intense conversation for the evening. And she felt like that she had too. And they were so close they were practically tangled up, and they had the house to themselves, and he was never sexier than when he actually opened up a little. She mover her face towards his, and their lips melted into each other.
Their sex life of late had at least existed, but it tended to be all about let’s do this quietly so the kids don’t hear and quickly so we can get some sleep. But now, as Jim led her into the bedroom, it felt like the summer of ‘07 all over again to Pam. Jim had the same hungry, boyishly excited look that he used to get. They made fast work of their clothes and Jim lifted her onto the bed on her back and kissed her ankle then her calf then the inside of her knee.
She closer her eyes and arched her back and let go of all thoughts, tensions, doubts, frustrations, as his mouth reached its final destination. She opened herself up and heard herself moan, felt herself building. She didn’t want it to stop, but she wanted him inside her. He somehow sensed it, and in one quick motion pulled himself on to the bed and on top of her, and in a quick moment he was completely inside her.
He paused there, breathing hard. She waited expectantly for him to pull back and thrust again, but he remained still until she opened her eyes. She found him starting at her, full of intensity and deadly seriousness. They locked eyes.
He lowered his face until he hovered just a few inches above her, his eyes still locked on hers. “I will never, ever, ever leave you, Pam.”
He then resumed making love to her, fucking her, both. She came first, letting herself go completely, free of the need to be quiet. Her moans and contractions pushed him quickly over the edge, and he started coming just as she was finishing. He collapsed onto her, still inside of her, both of them still breathing hard.
They slept for a few hours. She woke up with her head on his chest. She untangled herself from him and got up for some water. She returned to find him awake. She climbed in bed and curled up next to him.
He smiled at her. “Hi.”
“Hey.”
Dukes by brokenloon
Story Notes:
All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. I've been waiting expectantly for some post-Couples Discount fics. I got tired of waiting and wrote up the way it played out in my head.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Howdy everyone. Hope you like this.
Chapter End Notes:
All the best to those of you from the old days still around to read this. My take on Pam's underlying fear is based on her reaction to seeing Jim in command of things at the Athlead offices.
brokenloon is the author of 12 other stories.
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