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There have been times when she’s felt like they haven’t been on the same page before.
But nothing like this. This doesn’t feel like they aren’t on the same page, this feels different.
It’s like they aren’t even in the same book.
There are two irrefutable facts:
She doesn’t want to leave Scranton.
Jim does.
He won’t look at her. He’s been moving the food on his plate around since she told him she wanted to stay in Scranton, and he pointed out that he started a new company in Philadelphia.
She wants to be angry. She wants to remind him that he never consulted her before making these life-changing decisions that affected both of them. She wants to be mad; she wants to see red and be so angry that she feels like a cartoon character with steam pouring out of her ears.
But she’s not angry. She’s not. She’s not sure what she is, but angry isn’t it. She’s scared and sad and lonely, and she never thought that they would ever get like this. Not her and Jim. They loved each other too deeply, and had gone through too much to have problems like this.
Because she’s not stupid, and she realizes that there is no simple solution to this problem. One of them is going to have to make a huge sacrifice, and possibly resent the other. That’s the only scenario she can stomach, because the other scenario is that she stays in Scranton and Jim stays in Philadelphia, and even thinking of that makes her stomach lurch.
And if she’s being honest, she already resents Jim a little. And she certainly resents Athlead. Without this stupid company, Jim wouldn’t be asking her to move to Philadelphia and give up her job and her life in Scranton.
Pam knows that isn’t completely fair, because Jim is loving what he’s doing right now, and he’s wanted to be so much more than a salesman for so long. But she wanted to be so much more than just a receptionist, and she is. She’s a wife and a mother, and that’s enough for her, and a part of her wonders why being a husband and a father isn’t enough for Jim.
He still won’t look at her, and the silence is stifling. It feels awkward between them, and it reminds her of those first few months when he came back from Stamford and they were still trying to find their footing.
“Jim,” she finally speaks up. “Please say something.”
“I’m not sure what you want me to say,” he meets her eye, and he looks so sad that for a moment all she wants to do is throw her arms around him and promise him that she’ll follow him anywhere and do whatever he wants as long as he’s happy and they are together. But reality comes crashing back down, and it’s her turn to study her plate. “I just wish you would have said something sooner.”
Like that, she feels a switch and suddenly she is angry. She’s fuming. Her head shoots up and her eyes narrow.
“When should I have said something, Jim? When you first brought up the subject, should I have told you I didn’t think you should do it? Was that when I was supposed to tell you?” Pam feels the anger building. It’s buzzing just beneath her skin. “Because I don’t exactly remember the conversation, but I believe that’s exactly what I did.”
“Pam,” Jim starts. He looks tired, and he rubs the bridge of his nose. “I said I was sorry.”
“You did, but you know what you didn’t say? You didn’t say, ‘I know I made this big decision for the both of us, but we can still talk about it and decide what’s best for all of us. It’s not too late to back out.’”
“It was too late to back out!” Jim exclaims.
“No it wasn’t,” she insists. “No it isn’t.”
“I’m doing this for you, damn it!” He yells, and Pam gets up so quickly that her chair teeters. “For us! For our future and the kids’ future.”
“No, Jim, you aren’t. You’re doing this for you. We were fine. We had everything we needed. Our life wasn’t glamorous, but it was ours.” She wants to go home. She’s tired of Philadelphia. She doesn’t like this city, she never has, and she really doesn’t like the person that Jim becomes when he’s in this city. He’s acting exactly like he did when he first came back from Stamford. Mr. Cool Guy. Mr. Too Good for Scranton. She wants to tell him he’s being kind of a prick, and she wants to cry, and she wants more than anything to go home.
“I thought you wanted more than just a mediocre job at a mid-level paper supply company,” Jim’s voice is low, and Pam wraps her arms around herself and bites her lip to keep from crying.
She doesn’t answer immediately. She’s still for a minute, and she wants to stop time before things can get any worse. Before they say anything else that they might regret.
“I have more,” she finally answers. “I had enough. I’m sorry that you don’t.” And she turns and walks out.
She only cries when she’s steps out into the cold air, when it hits her and steals the breath from her lungs, and when she finally realizes that she walked out and Jim didn’t follow her.
Story Notes:
I know, me? Writing? Bananas. But all this angst was begging for me to address it. Who knew that I was inspired by heartache? This is a short little look at what could have happened immediately after "Moving On" ended. And this will all probably be AU when the new episode airs, so there's that. The title is from the Nina Simone song, because few people do heartache like Nina Simone.
bashert is the author of 37 other stories.
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