Dear Jim,

I haven't been honest with you for a long time. I'm changing that, starting with this letter. I wasn't sure how to structure it. I could just go chronologically, but that didn't really make sense. I guess I'll start by listing the important stuff first, and go from there.

Really Important Things I Want You to Know

1 - I know you're with Karen. That's okay. Above all, I want you to be happy.

1(b) - I don't expect anything from you that you aren't ready to give. I know I gave up that right a long time ago.

2 - You never misinterpreted anything. I've had feelings for you for a long, long time (cross-reference #3). Since before we kissed for the first time, actually (at the Dundies in 2005!).

3 - I'm in love with you. I have been in love with you for a long, long time. Regrettably, I omitted this information in previous interactions.

4 - I'm more sorry than I can ever say (cross-reference #2 and #3).

5 - Your kisses meant the world to me.

5(b) - I haven't kissed anyone since the last time you kissed me. Not even Roy. And not that I expect anything (cross-reference #1b), but I would be lying if I didn't say I'm hoping for a repeat at some point in my life. And I'm telling the truth now, so… there it is.

So those were the biggies. Where do I start? Hmm… Well, this is probably going to ramble. Not probably. It's going to ramble a LOT. If you've made it this far, then you are already well-acquainted with my dorky tendency to create numbered lists and basically just overthink everything. So you might as well stick it out 'til the end.

When you first came back from Stamford, I didn't know what to think. I was so excited to see you, but you seemed so… closed-off. I know that was my fault. I never called you after I called off my wedding. I should have. I didn't, because I was scared. I thought you hated me. You left without saying goodbye and… I just couldn't see how you wouldn't hate me. I still should have called. I regret every day that I didn't. If I could go back now and change it, I would.

Even more importantly, I should have told you I called off my wedding BECAUSE of you. I shouldn't have been with Roy, for a lot of reasons. But I didn't care about any of those reasons until I met you. It's not that I didn't love Roy when I was with him. But after you came along, he gradually mattered less and less to me. After you kissed me on Casino Night, he ceased to matter altogether. It was like graduating from high school love to the Real Thing™ (pat. pend. all rights reserved). But after how long I'd been with him (nine years… yikes), I needed time to find out who I was after the dust settled. I realize that time was the one thing you didn't have to give. And you know what? That's okay.

This is probably pathetic to admit, but I still haven't kissed anyone since you kissed me. Not even Roy. I haven't wanted to. I'm not sure I ever will. You've never kissed yourself (duh), so I'm sure you take for granted how good you are at it. But uh, don't. Because you are really… REALLY good at it. Do you remember that line from V for Vendetta? 'I knew I never wanted to kiss any other lips but hers again'? Yeah… except you're not a girl. And thank god for that.

I draw you a lot. Not just Jellybeans (if you didn't notice, that was your hand). Is this weird? God, it's so weird. I'm sorry, I'm weird.

Swaying is dancing. I wouldn't want to live in a world where I've never danced with you.

You look really cute in a sombrero. All the time, but especially in a sombrero.

I couldn't believe it when you jinxed me today. In a good way. I'm sorry about the last time we played. I was a real jerk that day. I still feel bad about it. The rules of jinx are only as unflinching and rigid as the players themselves. So maybe it's time for a change. Loser buys any beverage? Fifteen minute time limit? What do you think?

I was so scared to write all of this down. Now that I have, I feel… good. Really good. And, as much as I hope that we can be happy together, really I just wish for you to be happy. Again, I know you're with Karen. And again, that's okay. She is a very lucky woman to have you. And if that means we can't be friends anymore because it would make things weird between you two, I understand. Just tell me (or write back). I can take it.

Love always,

Pam