I sat in my car for what felt like a few hours but was only a few minutes. I stared at the front door willing myself to get out of the car and waltz right in there and tell Roy that we were over. It wasn’t that easy or that simple, he would want an explanation and he would deserve one as well considering we have been together nearly ten years now.

But how do I explain this without hurting him in the process? How do I tell him that I am in love with Jim when I have told him countless times over the years that I have known Jim that we are just friends? How do I tell him that over the years I have fallen out of love with him? That I don’t think that I was ever in love with him. How do you tell someone that they are the reason you don’t want to come home anymore?

Roy hasn’t been the best of partners either, he has cheated on me and manipulated me more times than I can count. He still has no idea that I know about the times when he says he spending the night at Kenny’s but is actually out at some bar. What amazes me is that I stayed with him for as long as I have, why have I? Do I deserve this somehow, did I do something in a past life to make me deserve this? No, you haven’t...that’s why you are calling off this wedding and telling him that you don’t love him anymore.

I feel like I owe it to him to explain what is going on through my head, but at the same time, I know that if I do he’ll just convince me to stay like he always seems to. This time though I won’t let him convince me to stay, I need to leave. I need to at least try to be happy because if I don’t then what’s the point?

What’s the point of life if not to take risks? Even if it doesn’t work out between Jim and me, at least I will be getting out of a loveless relationship. What would be the point of Jim coming into my life and us finding each other if we never got to be together? Maybe there wasn’t a point. Maybe this is what the universe wants so that I can fall on my ass and it can laugh as I try to get back up. 

Who the hell cares? If I fail then at least I can say that I gave this a shot, but first, I need to get out of this godforsaken car.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes picturing how I want the moment to go knowing that it won’t be that easy. He is going to try and fight for me no matter how much I tell him that it’s not him that I want. No matter how much I tell him that I stopped being an active participant in this relationship before graduation.

I release the breath that I was holding and get out of the car walking up to the door and inserting the key into the lock. I walk inside to see him sitting in his easy boy recliner watching some football game and it suddenly hits me. When I leave I will only have a few boxes to take, none of this was mine.

We may have bought this house together and both of our names were on the mortgage but he picked out all the furniture and had a say in everything. I realized that no one would even know a woman lived here because this entire house was filled with his things. When did I let myself go so much that I let myself be completely taken over by a guy who I was way too good for?

“Hey sweetheart you’re home early, you lose all of your money?” Roy asks not even looking up from whatever game he was watching. It’s suddenly like the glass ceiling finally shattered and the entire illusion that I had built up around this relationship was suddenly shattered. I stand here not being able to believe that I put up with this or with him for a whole decade.

I’m so fed up that I just blurt out, “I’m done, I can’t.”

“You can’t what Pammy?” He asks again without even looking at me. He doesn’t see the way that my face scrunches at that pet name he came up with back in high school that I used to love but the sound of it now makes me nauseous.

“I can’t do this anymore Roy, I can’t be with you anymore,” I say more matter of factly knowing that I am about to get into the fight of my life. He finally turns away from the game and just stares at me.

“No, you don’t mean that. That’s not funny.” He says and I know that he can tell that I am being completely serious.

I take a deep breath hoping that he will let me walk out of here easily with just a suitcase full of clothes. “I think we both know that I am being completely serious right now Roy.”

“Is this because of Halpert? Is he making you do this?” He asks getting up out of his chair and takes the few steps towards me.

I look at him offended that he thinks that I am incapable of making my own damn decisions and that for some insane reason he thinks I need a man to do anything in my life.

“What the hell does it matter? I can’t do this any more simple as that, I want out. I’m calling off the wedding.” I pause and look him in the eye with tears rolling down my face, I didn’t realize how hard this would be. I may not be in love with him anymore but I have spent the better part of my life thinking that I was going to marry him. It somehow still hurts looking into his eyes and knowing that I am hurting him.

“I just...I don’t love you anymore Roy. You don’t even listen to me anymore and maybe I am being selfish but I deserve to be selfish for once in my life. You can’t stand here and tell me that you think that this relationship is healthy anymore. We barely talk anymore and most nights and weekends you are out with Kenny. I won’t say that this is all your fault because I haven’t voiced any of this over the years but I can’t stay in this relationship any longer.”

“So you’re just going to give up on us Pam? After everything that we have been through together? After I finally set a wedding date for you so that you can have your damn wedding!” Roy yells and more tears well up in my eyes from anger.

“That’s the problem Roy I wanted you to want the wedding, not just set the date because that’s what you think I want. I wanted you to want to marry me and be my husband and share our lives together. It’s obvious that you don’t really want this and I’m not going to subject myself to an entire life of this” I say taking off my engagement ring and stare down at it knowing that it cost him less than three hundred dollars.

“Fuck you Pam! All that you do is whine that I am never enough and that I don’t listen to you and that I don’t love you. I’m not going to sit here and take this.” Roy shoves me out of the way as he moves past me to get to the door more than likely going to the bar with Kenny.

“Yeah just leave and go find some random woman to fuck, that’s going to make this better!” I shout not knowing what had gotten into me but it suddenly seemed like I couldn’t hold these feelings in any longer.

“Go to hell Pam, don’t wait up for me,” Roy says putting on his jacket.

“If you leave I’m not going to be here when you get back,” I shout as he walks out and slams the door. 

I stare at the front door clutching the engagement ring in my right hand, a sob escapes my mouth before I can stop it. Ten years of my life gone because I was too scared to break things off when I wanted too. 

I walk into the kitchen and set the ring down on the kitchen table knowing for certain that he was going to notice that I was no longer there before he sees the ring on the table. 

What am I supposed to do now? What am I supposed to do with my life now that it’s all shattered into pieces? How does one move on from this? So much of my self-identity came from Roy and being with him, am I ever really going to figure out who I am?

I look around the main living space and realize how much I hate this house and everything in it. I walk to the front and walk out without even caring that the TV and lights were still on.

I drive without even thinking and before I know it I am sitting in front of a house wondering how I am ever going to get the courage to get out of the car and walk up to the door. Even after everything that happened tonight, I know that he would let me crash here, no matter how awkward the ride into work tomorrow would be. It’s probably a terrible idea but I don’t have anywhere else to go, he is the only friend that I have that I trust.

I take a deep breath and shut off the engine and get out of the car in the cool spring Pennsylvania air. I walk up to the door and knock lightly shoving my hands into the pockets of my jacket hoping I don’t look desperate.

He opens the door and I can’t help but force out a smile for the sake of appearances. Suddenly this all seems incredibly stupid, was this really the smartest choice? Maybe not but I can’t think of anywhere else that I would want to be, anywhere that I would feel safer than with him.

“Beesley? What’s going on? What are doing here?” Jim asks and I finally get a good look at him, he was obviously in the middle of getting ready for bed based on his appearance.

“Can I come in?” I ask knowing that with one gentle push of that door he could make this night go from bad, to terrible.