"Uh, hey, can I talk to you about something?"
Jim was nervous. His eyes darted around the dark street, desperately hoping the cameras were not there. He wanted nothing more than to be alone with her. This conversation needed to occur, as much as he didn't want to have to be the one to do it. Couldn't he just write her a letter? Or leave a voice mail? No. She was the center of his world; she was the reason he got up to go to work in the morning. She had to know first.
"About when you wanna give me more of your money?"
"No, I was - "
"Did you wanna do that now?"
"Well..."
"We can go inside. I'm feeling kind of good tonight."
"I was just, um... I'm transferring to Stamford."
There. He had said it. His eyes hit the ground, staring at his shoes. He couldn't look her in the eyes. If he did, she'd know why he was leaving. That he was still in love with her, always had been. She'd know he had lied to her that day when the entire office found out. He was sure she knew - she had to know - and yet couldn't look at her.
"What? Why?" Pam thought she felt her heart stop beating for a moment. This was Jim. Jim who got her through the days at work. Pam reached out and took his hand, silently pleading for him to look at her. Surely he was joking. He had to be. "Jim?"
Jim reluctantly raised his head and instantly felt like he'd been punched in the stomach. The look on her face - the tears he thought he could see welling deep in her eyes - was too much for him to take. He let go of her hand and shrugged, trying desperately to lighten the mood. "Better job. You.. you told me once to take a better job."
Pam could hardly believe her ears. He wasn't lying. This was no joke. Jim was really leaving her for a better job. "I.. Jim! I then told you that if you left I'd blow my brains out. Did you remember that part?" Pam didn't want to cry. She didn't know why she was starting to. Co-workers had come and go before, over the years. But none of them had been Jim. No one else knew her favorite type of chip. No one else IMed her incessantly throughout the day. No one else thought of endless pranks they could play on Dwight. No one else was in love with her. He had never said it, save the one almost-admission that day in the break room. But Pam knew. He had been such a gentleman for so long, never acting on feelings she knew he had, not wanting to cause any problems for her and Roy. Sometimes Pam wished he had been a little less gentlemanly in that respect; that he would have just told her. Kissed her. Anything. She stared at him, breathless.
Jim's mind was racing. How could she dare be angry with him, for all she put him through? Jim watched wedding band videos with her. He listened to Kelly ramble annoyingly about bridesmaids dresses and hairstyles. He sat there and watched every day as Roy came into the office to take her home. Did she have any idea how much that hurt him? Sure, he had never come out and told her how he felt. But she knew! There was no way she didn't. He didn't want to tell her the truth. He couldn't. There was no reason on earth why he was transferring to Stamford other than to not have to see her. The pay was better. The city was nicer. But that didn't change the fact that she was the only reason. If Jim thought for a second that she'd leave Roy and be with him, he'd stay, no questions asked. But Pam wasn't going to leave Roy. He wouldn't even dream of thinking such things.
"Pam, I - I know, I - I can't..."
"You can't what, Jim? You can't leave me with those nutcases." She tried to smile. Instead, she cried. The tears she had been holding back so valiantly slowly trickled down her cheeks, and she wiped them off with the back of her hand.
Jim couldn't tell her. He couldn't. Somewhere in the depths of his heart, her tears caused the tiniest glimmer of light. They proved how she felt about him. They proved the feelings she would never act upon; they proved why he had to go. And yet, at the same time, her tears wrecked him. It took all his strength to not wrap her in his arms and try to comfort her. After all, were Pam the one leaving, he was sure he'd cry too. He watched as she hugged herself, choking back more tears, and felt his own eyes start to water. He shook his head to try to stop them, and hung his head down, and heard his voice crack as the whisper "I can't watch you be with him." escaped his lips. He hadn't meant to say it. He hadn't wanted to. But now he had.
Roy. Pam's heart sunk again. Of course. How could she have been so blind, as to pretend seeing her with Roy hadn't been torture for Jim? There was no way it hadn't been. Her mind raced, silently cursing herself for causing him so much pain. If she had just kept her wedding planning to home, if she had just met Roy in the parking lot every day after work - maybe he wouldn't be leaving. "Jim, I'm so sorry. I - it was wrong. I'm sorry. I had to plan my wedding. You're my best friend. I thought... I was wrong." Pam looked up, wanting him to just tell her. She wasn't sure what it would change. It might change nothing. It might change everything.
"God, Pam..you... you're my best friend too. I don't regret helping you with your wedding. I'd do anything you asked. I just can't sit there anymore, knowing that you don't - "
"Knowing that I don't what, Jim? Don't care? You know I care about you."
It was barely a whisper. "Knowing that you aren't in love with me the way I'm in love with you."
For the second time in the conversation, Pam's heart stopped. He was in love with her. For as long as she'd suspected, as long as she'd guessed, now it was true. There was no pretending it wasn't, no escaping the fact that the words had left his mouth. Jim looked as though he was about to cry. Pam knew that everything hung on what she did next. The ball was in her court.
She thought about her life with Roy. The comfort, the stability. She thought about all the times he had let her down. She thought about the times he had stomped on her dreams. She thought about the day he proposed: how nervous he had been, how she had never been happier in all her life. She thought about all the times he had made her cry.She thought about Jim. About how at ease she was around him. How he made her laugh. How he knew everything about her. How unbelievably selfless he had been for these past years, giving up the girl he loved to another man, never complaining, never saying a word.
She tried to think what her life would be like without Jim. It came as a sucker punch to the gut: she couldn't. Roy was the man she went home to at night, but Jim was the man who got her through the day. Without him, she'd smile less. She'd cry more, knowing that no one would be at work in the morning to take her mind off Roy's indifference about the most important day of their lives.
Jim couldn't believe he had said it. She just stood there, staring at him with those eyes. He couldn't read them. For the first time in his life, Jim had no idea what Pam was thinking. Was she horrified? Had she really not known? He barely allowed himself to think it. Does she feel the same way?
He couldn't take her silence. Being rejected he could handle. He had been preparing for it for years, or so it seemed. But her silence, the eerie, unnatural silence that cut into the evening like ice: that he could not take. He stepped forward slightly, taking her hands in his. "Pam." He took a deep breath. "I needed you to know. Once."
Pam's heart fluttered. He was really going to confess his love and then walk away. It made Jim a much stronger person than she would ever be. She held onto his hands, staring up into his eyes. "Don't leave, Jim. Don't leave me."
"Why?"
"Because I love you."
Jim thought he might die. He was unable to stop his tears as his heart beat faster and he felt himself grinning. She smiled up at him, and reached to wipe the tears from his face. He placed his hands gently on her shoulders, and kissed her. It was light, and sweet, and yet said everything. All the hopes and desires of the past two years were wrapped up in this one perfect little moment.
Jim was the only one on her mind as she kissed him back, as his hands dropped to her waist and hers wrapped around his neck. She had a whole other life that needed to be dealt with, but she was willing to give it up - wanted to give it up - to be with Jim. Her eyes closed and through her mind flashed a series of images - a house with a terrace, smiling children: but this time it was Jim in these pictures and not Roy. Jim fit better. Jim didn't ever try to change her world, her dreams.
Jim broke the kiss and pulled her into his arms. Breathing in the scent of her hair, he tightened his arms around her, never wanting to let go. How long had he waited for this moment? Too long. "I love you, Beesley. I love you so damn much."
Pam smiled, loving how it felt to be in Jim's arms. "I love you too, Halpert."
Everything was going to be fine.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Well, my first fanfic is now written. Not original at all, but: it's a start! A big thank you to Par5 for reading for me and telling me it didn't stink.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
zuisa is the author of 1 other stories.
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