She paced around her living room floor waiting for Jim to come over, her mind replaying the conversation she had overheard in the break room before leaving work that day.
The accountants had been sitting together as Pam was about to walk in for an afternoon snack. Before she reached the entry, she heard Karen’s name and curiosity got the best of her.
“I’m just surprised Karen didn’t get the job back when everyone interviewed,” Oscar said, “since Jim pulled out for whatever reason. Those two were definitely the most qualified.”
Keven giggled. “AND they were banging.”
Oscar sighed. “Yes, Kevin, we know. Something must have happened between them in New York because she transferred pretty quickly.”
“Maybe he’s banging Pam now.”
“Kevin, we've been over this. There is no reason to believe they’re together.”
Angela spoke up curtly. “I quite liked Jim and Karen together. She made him actually get work done for once in his life. And they certainly seemed very compatible. Not to mention they rarely touched each other in the office, leading me to believe they were conducting a chaste and moral courtship.”
Kevin scoffed. “Yeah RIGHT.” Pam didn’t see it, but she could imagine Kevin raising a fist to Oscar.
She had walked away after that, not wanting to hear any more. It had been a month since Jim had come back from the job interview in New York and the two of them had been practically inseparable since. It was nearly torture to keep her hands to herself at work. She would find herself just staring at him with a school girl smile plastered on her face before she remembered that nobody knew they were seeing each other and they preferred it that way.
In the month Jim had been back, things had been really great. The transition into “more than friends” was smooth, uninhibited. They were “Jim and Pam” again, but with a few upgrades.
But there was just one issue with that. The Old Jim and Pam always had a difficult time discussing the things that actually needed discussing the most and that tendency seemed to trickle over into New Jim and Pam. He had galloped home from New York on his metaphorical steed and whisked her away to a life she had only dreamt of, but somehow they had still avoided talking about the night he confessed his love, about Stamford, about Karen, about...everything. They were inseparable, but Jim had yet to vocalize how he felt about Pam. Maybe she was being naive to think he could just pick his feelings up off the curb of the Dunder Mifflin parking lot on his way back from New York, but she had hoped he still felt the way he did after casino night. The night she flipped that coin in her head and couldn’t trust herself to pick what it landed on.
What Angela had said in the break room was tugging at her. What if Karen was the better fit? What if he had fallen in love with Karen in Stamford and that dislodged how he used to feel about Pam? Sure, he came back. He seemed happy now. But what if the luster wears off, and Fancy New Beesly gets a little less fancy, and he regrets dropping everything to be with her? Why else couldn’t he tell her he still loved her?
She knew it shocked nobody, but Pam was a self-proclaimed overthinker. The overthinking led to anxiety and the anxiety usually manifested itself as either a puddle of tears or as a rise of frustration. Sometimes both. But this time, frustration was winning out.
She felt her fists clench. She wasn’t really mad at Jim. I mean, she’d kill to hear him say “those three words” again. But mostly, she was just still so damn mad at herself for letting him slip through her fingers. For not calling him when she called off the wedding. For waiting so long to tell him she missed her best friend. Maybe then he would feel like he used to and she wouldn’t be pacing and cursing at herself and wondering how deep his feelings for Karen had really been.
Her doorbell rang, snapping out of her mental spiral but still feeling the splinters of her anxious frustration poking and irritating her. She answered it to Jim holding flowers, a bag of microwave popcorn, and a copy of The Princess Bride.
“Hey, you,” Jim smiled. “Long time no see.” He leaned down for a kiss and she quickly turned her head so it landed on her cheek. She knew it was immature, but now the feelings she felt when Karen was around had begun creeping back up and she couldn’t shove them down. She tried to ignore the confused look on his face.
He held up the bag of popcorn. “Want me to get this going?”
“I can do it,” she said flatly, taking it from him. “You can start the movie if you want.”
She went into the kitchen and practically threw the popcorn in the microwave and slammed the door shut. She kept accidentally pushing the wrong buttons, clearing the time, then pushing the wrong buttons again, getting more and more flustered until finally everything boiled to the tipping point.
“WHY WON’T THE MICROWAVE DO WHAT I WANT?!”
By this point Jim had entered the kitchen doorway, brows furrowed. She looked at him and pointed incredulously at the microwave.
“The microwave sucks!” She lowered her voice to a tiny whisper. “I suck.”
Jim raised his hands up and carefully took a step toward her. “Hey there, Beesly, you want to...maybe fill me in on what’s actually going on right now?”
She sighed deeply, placing her hands on the edge of the sink and lowering her chin to her chest. There was something about Jim’s voice, not just now but always, that unfailingly seemed to loosen her. She stared into the sink and began to unravel the cord that she had so tightly wound around herself for who knows how long.
Quietly, almost inaudibly, she ventured.
“Did you ever tell Karen you loved her?”
Pam wasn’t looking at him, but she could picture his brow scrunching and the corners of his mouth pulling down in surprise.
“Okaaaay,” he walked closer to her and she could now see his feet on the linoleum next to hers. She felt his hand on her back. “Now I’m really lost. I know how much you hate sports analogies, but that was a little out of left field.”
Finally she stood straight and looked up at him towering next to her. He cupped the sides of her face with his hands and delicately kissed her forehead. “What’s going on up here, Beesly?” he whispered against her skin.
She put her hands on his wrists as his own hands still warmed her cheeks and she succumbed to his pleading gaze, glancing up at him sheepishly.
“I’m...I just, you haven’t said it to me yet. Or again, or whatever. And I don’t think I’ve really let go of the guilt I feel for pushing you away to Stamford and to...her. And don’t get me wrong, I’m so glad you’re back…”
“But…”
“...but I’m worried that you left and found Karen—Karen, who is beautiful, and driven, and knows what she wants, and motivated you. And I’m worried you fell in love with her and now that we’re finally together, I’m not going to be enough for you and you regret coming back to…”
“Pam, stop.”
“Okay.” She bit her lower lip nervously and looked down.
Jim took her by the hand and led her to the kitchen table, pulling two chairs closely together, facing each other. He sat bent, his elbows on his knees, and his hands encasing both of hers.
“I did tell her I loved her.”
Pam’s shoulders dipped.
“Hold on. I told her, but I don’t think I ever really meant it. Which also makes me feel like a complete asshole. I haven’t really been proud of how I handled, well, anything the last little while.”
Pam sniffled. “You were kind of an asshole.”
They both chuckled.
“Yeah, I know.” He tucked a curl behind her ear. “She said it to me first and I was so hell-bent on trying to move on that I said it back, hoping to convince myself it was true.”
“But it wasn’t?”
He lifted her chin with his knuckle and looked into her eyes with a warmth that she felt spread from the keds on her feet to the barrette in her hair. “Of course not. Pam, I have only felt those feelings, like really felt them, once. And even though I tried like hell to convince myself otherwise, those feelings never left. Pam, I’m so happy with you. It’s literally my dream come true and that’s not going to change.”
She searched his eyes. “Then why haven’t you sa—“
“I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. I’m completely and hopelessly and endlessly in love with you, Pamela Morgan Beesly. Always have been.” He shrugged. “I think I was just being cautious because I didn’t know if you...I wanted to give you time. I spooked you once and I didn’t want to do it again.”
She eagerly pressed her lips to his and he returned her gesture with long, slow, healing kisses. She pulled away and slid her hands behind his neck, his words reverberating in her mind. There was once a time, not long ago, where those same words had haunted her—had woken her up at night with regret. Now, hearing them again, she wondered how she ever survived without them. They were incredibly life-giving.
“I love you too,” she whispered.
Jim let out all the air in his lungs, all at once, and his smile was almost too big for his face. He closed his eyes and rested his head on hers.
“Sorry,” he smiled, “but I’m going to need you to say that again.”
She grinned and gave him a soft kiss.
“I love you, Jim.”
He closed his eyes. “Again.”
“I love you.”
“One more time…”
“I love juice.”
“Damnit, I knew it.”
She feigned surprise. “Wait, what did you thinkI was saying?!”
The kitchen filled with laughter as they embraced not only each other, but the fact that for once, they finally had the timing right.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Thank you for all the reviews so far!! They make my heart soar like the eagles nest. This one is set between season 3 and 4.
Chapter End Notes:
I admittedly took some inspiration from Pam’s insecurity in A.A.R.M. But a reassuring Jim is one of my favorite Jims.
