Interviewer: Thanks for meeting with us, we have some news. We’ve been asking around the office, and it actually looks like everyone apart from Michael, Andy and Toby —along with Ryan, as he has now been in New York for a couple of months— knew about your relationship all along. Kevin also had his suspicions, but found nothing conclusive.

Jim, cocking his head: Seriously? Why didn’t they say anything?

Interviewer, looking down at notes: We asked this too, and they all responded ‘we didn’t care enough to tell’.

Jim: Yeah, that…sounds about right.

Pam, cocking her head: How did they all find out?

***

Interviewer: Kelly says she found out because Pam is one of her best friends, and because Jim is one of her most attractive male friends, so it just makes sense that two relatively hot people would be together.

Jim, smirking: Can’t argue with that.

Pam, visibly blushing: That’s not the only reason why we’re together.

Jim, teasingly: Really? You mean you want me for more than just my hot body? I’m flattered—

Pam, interjecting: What hot body?

[Jim does his typical face at the camera as Pam laughs at him].

Jim, pointing at her: You see what I have to put up with? I could have been in New York right now, at the top of the ladder, but instead I’m sitting here being body shamed.

Pam, still laughing quietly: I was kidding. You’ve not had any complaints yet, have you?

Jim, folding his arms with a satisfied smirk: Complaints? Can’t say I have.

[The interview is cut short as Pam gives him ‘the look’, since we don’t want to traumatise the audience].

***

Interviewer: Meredith says she found out through ‘a process of elimination’ as she has always believed it was strange that he never ‘tapped her’ [Jim appears incredibly uncomfortable as this is said], so therefore, Jim would ‘either have to be getting his fill somewhere else, or he’s gay’.

Pam: I thought you were possibly gay for a moment when you first joined, so it’s not…

Jim: Not what?

Pam, pausing: It’s not a totally unrealistic belief.

Jim, pretending to be exasperated: That’s what you're choosing to focus on?

Pam: Yes.

Jim, pausing: I suspected you thought I was gay. I spent four years of my life as your gay best friend.

Pam, in an attempt to rile him up: I don’t know about ‘best friend’.

Jim, not taking the bait: But the gay part was totally accurate.

Pam: Yes.

Jim: Yes.

Pam, rolling her eyes after a moment: Well, I know you're not gay now.

Jim: Thank God.

Pam: Shut up.

Jim, doing an exaggerated voice: Well, with all the totally cute boys in this office, how could I not be?

Pam: Actually shut up.

[She’s laughing uncontrollably, so we have to suspend the confessional.]

***

Interviewer: Dwight —who also told Angela— said he found out about you two because he was, quote en quote, ‘simply an incredibly perceptive genius’. But also because he happened to walk past Jim’s desk one day and saw messages between the two of you, of a romantic nature. He says he was not surprised, as the two of you have been closer lately, but was surprised because he believes you can both do much better.

Jim, visibly annoyed but attempting to conceal it: We could both ‘do better’? And that’s coming from him? Has he seen himself?

Pam, teasing him: It’s your fault for leaving direct messages open, you pleb.

Jim, calmer now: I feel like you're directing your unbridled rage at the wrong person.

Pam: Who says I’m angry? You're the angry one.

Jim: Do I look angry to you?

Pam: Your eyebrows are doing that funny up and down thing.

Jim, genuinely exasperated but trying not to laugh: I can’t control that! You're always bullying me because of my eyebrows! There’s nothing wrong with them.

Pam, incredibly amused: Well, you really are angry now.

[This time it’s Jim’s turn to laugh, and once again the interview is cut short.]

***

Interviewer: Phyllis says wasn’t totally certain, but she believed it to be true because one time Pam received flowers, and according to her ‘if they weren’t for me from Bob Vance, and not for Kelly or Angela, and most definitely not for Meredith, then they must have been for Pam, which is weird because Pam never gets flowers’. As well as this, she ‘didn’t think anyone liked Pam enough to get her flowers, apart from Jim’. 

Pam: I can’t tell if that’s sweet or not.

Jim: It’s very ambiguous.

Pam: I told you those flowers weren’t a great idea.

Jim: But you liked them. 

Pam, smiling: I still have them. I pressed them when they died. They’re still in my apartment somewhere.

Jim: Even though I’m actually allergic to them.

Pam, smirking: He gets bad hay fever. Anytime he comes over I shove them in his face. Even though dried flowers don’t have much pollen in them anymore, it still always sets him off.

Jim, whisper-shouting: She wants to bump me off for my money, I already know this.

[Pam hits Jim on the arm, and the interview is cut short before she gets the chance to actually kill him].

***

Interviewer: Oscar found out about you two through his now ex-boyfriend, Gil. He said he saw the two of you embracing in the car park at the Steamtown Mall. After that, he saw you kiss for a couple of seconds, before Pam happened to take note of Gil in the background. He said the two of you pulled apart, before Pam gently pushed Jim away, embarrassed.

Jim, amused: I didn’t even really care that Gil saw us, it’s just funny to me that you pushed me away after kissing me. Like that would make a difference.

Pam: You had a hand on my shoulder. That had connotations of romance.

Jim: And the kiss didn’t?

Pam: I don’t know. Maybe he didn’t recognise you because you’d not been at the office for ages. We could have been siblings.

Jim, laughing: Siblings who kiss each other?

Pam: Maybe we were going through an experimental phase?

[We chose to cut the interview short, before Pam said anything else that would land us in trouble.]

***

Interviewer: Creed doesn’t know who either of you are by name, but said [Interviewer looks down at notes, as it’s a lot to take in] ‘he believes he saw the Tall Guy and the Receptionist holding hands in the Breakroom one time, but he could have been wrong, because he doesn’t know anybody here, and because he was on a lot of opiates that day, so it could have been a hallucination. Ya dig?’.

Jim, confused: Oh. 

Pam, confused: Oh.

[Everyone is so quietly shocked that the interview is cut short without any further explanation, for the sake of sanity].

***

Interviewer: Stanley says he doesn’t get paid enough to care, but he found out through his daughter, who found out when she was passing by what she assumed to be Jim’s house while dropping off some mail, and she could see the two through his living room window.

Pam, confused: What was Melissa doing, walking by your place?

Jim, putting two and two together: I think Ryan lives near me. Or, he did before he went to New York.

[The two glance at each other with the same realisation and attempt not to laugh as the camera pans to Stanley at his desk, blissfully unaware]. 

Jim: I’ll have to ask Ryan if he ever got any mail that looked like a love letter.

Pam: One that wasn’t sent by Kelly.

Jim, somewhat bemused: How would she even find out where Ryan lived?

Pam, giggling: You don’t know the kinds of lengths lovestruck teenagers go to.

Jim, shuddering: Maybe that’s for the best.

Pam: It’s probably a good thing we didn’t know each other at that age.

Jim, grinning: Why? Because you would have sent me a love letter?

Pam, in an attempt to gross him out: Yeah, one with my hair in it.

Jim, jokingly: I think the sentiment is ruined.

[He takes her hand anyway as they grin at each other, and the interview is suspended, because it’s too cute to not end it there].