The keys felt cold her in hand. She felt the familiar burn in her eyes and nose and knew she only had seconds to get into the car. Not enough time. Tears started to pool on her bottom lashes. As soon as she was in the car, she slammed the door and dropped her keys in lap. Pam put her face in her hands and cried.
She wasn't sure what she had expected from today, but she hadn't expected this. Pam reached up and unsnapped the clip from her hair and threw it on the floor in front of the passenger seat. She felt stupid for spending time on her hair that morning. She felt stupid that she thought big curls would make a difference. He was dating someone else. None of it made a difference.
She felt nauseated and sweaty even though her tiny car was freezing on the inside. She cried because she couldn't believe what he had just said. She cried because she hadn't had time to feel angry yet. And, she cried because she humiliated herself today, and it was the biggest step she had taken since becoming single again.
Pam jumped when she heard a knock at her window. She turned her head just enough to see it was him. She didn't look up. Instead, she just slowly shook her head. She didn't want him to see her cry. The thought made her cry more. Pam almost laughed a tiny bit to herself as she thought just how much this day had gone downhill.
"What's wrong?"
She still wouldn't look at him. She just stared at her steering wheel while tears blurred her vision.
"Open the door."
Nothing.
Jim sighed. "Don't go anywhere."
Pam watched as he jogged away from her car. When he was far enough away she checked herself in the rear view mirror. It wasn't good. Her eyes were blood shot, her skin was blotchy, and her nose was red. She hadn't cried like this in months.
"Will you please roll down the window?" He was back.
Pam turned the car on and hit the button to lower her window. When she finally looked over at him, she realized he was holding a small travel pack of tissues. Jim squatted down so he could see her face. He held on to the car door through the open window for balance.
"It's the kind you like--with lotion." He handed her the package of tissues.
She took them. "Thank you."
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing. It's stupid. I'm stupid." Pam took a tissue out of the package and wiped her eyes and nose.
"You're not stupid."
"Is it that Karen girl?"
"Yeah."
Her bottom lip trembled. "Have you slept with her?"
"Pam... I don't really think that is your business." There was a hint of irritation in his voice.
She looked straight into his eyes for the first time since he came up to her car. "None of my business? I'm asking you if you have slept with a girl I will have to stare at, less than 20 feet away from me, every day, when just six months ago you told me you were in love with me." She looked back down at her hands. It really wasn't her business.
"Can I get in the car?"
Pam didn't say anything, she just hit the unlock button. Jim stood up and walked around to the passenger side and got in. He adjusted the seat so his long legs would fit.
"This is a nice car."
"Thank you."
They were silent for a minute.
"Pam, why are you doing this?"
"I don't know. I didn't want to do this in front of you."
"It isn't fair. You can't tell me we are just friends and then get upset that I am trying to move on."
"I don't want to be your friend anymore."
"That's nice. Thank you." Jim reached for the door handle to get out of the car.
"No, Jim, that's not what I meant." He stopped. "I mean... look at me. I tried to wear my hair nice for you," Pam ran her fingers through the big curls that now partially hung in her face without the barrette, "and I wore this new sweater, and I've had lip gloss on all damn day! You know I don't usually do any of this. I wanted you to notice me and now I just feel so stupid. That's why I am doing this. And, I honestly didn't want you to see it."
"I noticed you, Pam," Jim stared at his hands, "I have noticed you everyday since I first met you. You don't need lip gloss for me to notice you," Jim looked over at her, "But I can't be that guy anymore. I can't be the guy you flirt with, and play games with. I almost didn't come back here because I can't be that for you anymore. I need to be with someone who wants to be with me."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel that way."
"Pam, you flat out told me that I misunderstood how you felt about me."
"I'm sorry." Pam couldn't find the words to take back what she said that night. She wasn't sure if he cared anyway.
"I'm sorry that you are upset, I don't ever want to see you cry, but I just don't understand what you want from me. I put it out there, Pam. I did. And, it didn't go well. I don't know what you expect me to do now."
"Jim, that night... I was just so surprised, and scared, and I had no idea what I wanted. I had spent so much time putting you and Roy into categories in my life, and I spent so much time telling myself that we were just friends. But it was all bullshit. I knew it the second I kissed you. But, I just didn't think I could really undo ten years of my life.
"What changed?"
"What do you mean?" Pam wiped her nose.
"I mean... why aren't you married?"
"I just couldn't. Not all of it was about you. I just looked at him one night and I realized I hadn't been in love with him for years." Pam brought a tissue up to her eye to catch the tears her thoughts of Roy brought. "Can you believe that? I spent years going home to, and having sex with, and planning my life with a man I wasn't in love with anymore. I don't what was wrong with me. And, I know they say that romantic love doesn't last forever, but that was the shittiest part of it all, we weren't even friends."
Jim rubbed his hands over his face. "I was really upset when I found out you didn't get married."
"Why?"
"Because, I found out from Phyllis. For me, it was the last sign that you really didn't love me. You didn't marry him but you still didn't want me."
"I'm sorry. I didn't know what to say to you, and I didn't even know if you wanted to hear from me. I kind of hoped you would call me. I guess I need to stop thinking that way. I've wasted too much time waiting for things to happen instead of just doing something." Pam chose that moment to do something.
She reached over and took one of his hands in hers. She brought it up to her mouth and kissed the back of it. She knew it was a weak move, but it was something. Jim turned in his seat. He used his free hand to cup the side of her face. He pulled her towards him and kissed her. She let go of his other hand so she could push hers into his hair. She could feel him running his fingers through her curls.
"You are so beautiful, you don't need lip gloss."
Their lips met again and Pam pushed deeper. She slid her tongue into his mouth and rubbed the front of his chest with her hand. His heart was pounding and she could feel it through his shirt. She rested her hand over his heart and said, "Does she do this to you?"
"No. And, I haven't slept with her. We've hung out a few times and I can tell she is interested in me."
"Yeah, she moved to Scranton for a job at Dunder Mifflin... it's pretty obvious she's interested in you."
"Yeah," Jim sighed, "I actually have to go. I told her I would meet her at Coopers. I'm going to have to talk to her."
"Okay." Pam sat back in her seat.
"Look, just give me a few days to get some things straightened out, okay? Will you have coffee with me on Friday? We can talk more then?"
"Yeah."
"Okay," Jim leaned over and slowly kissed her cheek. "I will see you tomorrow. Please don't cry anymore." Jim opened the passenger door and got out of the car.
"Jim?"
"Yeah?"
"We're not just friends. We've never been just friends."
"I know. Goodnight."
"Night."
Author's Chapter Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Willow is the author of 10 other stories.
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