This time when Jim saw her walking to her car from his rearview mirror he told himself to leave her alone, to let them finally just be. The pressure that built up behind his eyes when he thought that was exactly the reason he couldn't live like this anymore. Something needed to give. No time like the present, he thought, as he opened his car door and stepped out. He walked over to Pam's car, which she had since gotten into and knocked on her window. Out, he indicated with his thumb, we need to talk.
Pam got out of her car and followed him into the center of the parking lot, where they circled each and faced, north and south, perpendicular to the face of the building, just as they had on that night so many months before. "Yes?" Pam said, deviantly in tone but apprehensively in spirit.
"I can't work with you anymore. It has just gotten too hard, too much."
"I don't understand, Jim. I thought I had been playing this game by your rules," the tears that had been building since she had stepped out into the cool air with him began stinging the corners of her eyes and her breath became more ragged. No, Pam thought to herself, don't crack. Don't give yourself away. "I've been nice and friendly to you and your girlfriend, for Christ sakes. I've been friggin' cordial! What do you want from me, Jim? What exactly would you like me to do? Tell me, and I'll do it. I'll do anything." Her ragged breathes became sobs and she turned from him as her tears poured over and spilled down her face.
"It's not... Jesus, Pam I don't know. I can't...I can't DO this. This is why I left. I can't be around this. I can't be around you and not feel things. I keep trying to move on, to be happy, but you keep pulling me back into this. I can't take it anymore. I'll quit, I'll transfer, I'll get a job at corporate. It was a mistake for me to come back here at all. It's too much, too much history, too many bad memories..." Black-brown mascara streaked down Pam's face as she tried to control her breathing. Jim grabbed her right shoulder and spun her around to face him. Gripping both of her shoulders, he continued, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't be the friend you wanted me to be. I'm sorry that I read too much into things for so long and built up so much resentment. I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you from the beginning. It's just dragged this out for too long and caused everyone so much more pain than was necessary. There is nothing left to do. I'm sorry. I just have to leave."
Pam brought her hands up to her face, nearly violently rubbing her mascara and tears off her face before cupping her hands over her face and giving in to racking sobs. She leaned her forehead into Jim's chest and he pulled her into a loose hug. It's no fair, Pam thought, I never got my moons and Junes and ferris wheels. It's over. With that, though, in the space which sadness and regret would normally fill, Pam's fear and anxiety finally lifted. Like a ghost whispering from the past, she thought only, let go. Let go. Let go. No longer crying, now totally resolved, she turned her eyes up and met Jim's. He seemed taken aback by the warmth and passion in her eyes and literally took a step backwards. "Pam?" he said cautiously, "What are you doing?"
"Nothing. I just...once, before you go and I never get to see you ever again, I just wanted you to know. I am, totally, cripplingly, maddenly, in love with you. I'm sorry -- I know that's the last thing you wanted to hear. I'm breaking the rules, it's not part of the game. I'm sorry that I messed things up for us, because I feel like I could have really loved you, deeply, truly. We really could've been something, but we weren't, and that's my fault, " Pam reached up and brushed a tear off of his cheek with her hand, "I'm sorry, Jim. I'm so sorry. I hope, wherever you go, you can find someone who's willing to risk it all for you and really make you happy. I'm sorry I couldn't be that person for you."
With that, Pam turned away from Jim and walked out of the parking lot, through the gate in the chain metal fence and out onto the street on the other side. Jim watched her walk until she rounded the corner to the other side of the building and was out of sight, then turned, walked to his car and started the engine. He drove all the way to his parents' house in Binghampton without stopping before pulling into their driveway, leaning into the steering and letting out his long pent-up sobs.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Don't own. Don't sue.
purplebelt is the author of 5 other stories.
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