The morning dragged by painfully.  She never came back to her desk.  After a few minutes Phyllis left to check on her and then came back in to get her things for her.  Phyllis told Michael that Pam wouldn’t be coming back today.   

At lunchtime Jim walked into the breakroom to see Phyllis, Karen, and Kelly sitting at a table talking. It was like slow motion…watching the realization of it all hit Karen…and he couldn’t do anything to stop it. 

“So….wait…Pam and Roy were engaged?  When did they break up?” Karen was quizzing them to fill in the blanks because the scene between Roy and Pam had her beyond confused. 

“Well, I guess it was like…last June.  Yeah..that sounds about right.”  Kelly noticed Jim as he entered the break room. “Jim….when did you leave again?  I remember because it was right after that when Pam broke it off with Roy. I remember too because I went to shop for a dress for the wedding the night before and there were SO many cute dresses out because it was prom season! And that was in May - didn't you leave at the end of May Jim?”

He must have looked like a deer in headlights.  He could barey eek out the words “Umm..yeah…I…” when Phyllis cut him off. 

“Oh the poor thing had such a hard time.  She broke it off and no one took it well.  I mean her mom was very supportive but she was close with his family and they were furious. Most of their friends took Roy’s side and stopped calling her.  She really had a rough time for a while there.  It was a big change for her.”   Phyllis looked sadly at the table and a silence fell over the room.   

Karen stared at Jim and he wouldn’t even look at her.  He had conviently left out so many details a few weeks ago.  Pam was engaged.  He told her about a “crush” he had.  Then Pam wasn’t engaged – and this all happened to happen at the exact same time he transferred.  The guilty look on his face and the way he was avoiding her eyes told her that she was right – or at least close.  He turned to walk out of the breakroom and she followed him. 

“I think we need to talk” she blurted out. 

“Yeah…maybe.  It’s just that..I’ve got a sales call to go on and I don’t think this is the best place.  Can we talk later?  We’ll go out after work for dinner or something?” 

“Yeah.  Fine.  Whatever.”  Karen stormed away into the bathroom while Jim walked out of the office.  He wasn’t lying – he did have a salescall.  But it wasn’t for another hour or so and he needed time to clear his head. 

He should probably just come clean but he knew that would open the door to so many questions and interpretations it made his head hurt.  As he walked out of the lobby into the cold air he saw that Pam’s car was still there.  He thought she had left two hours ago.

____________________________________________________________

She sat on the cold lawn chair that was still sitting on top of the roof.  She hadn’t been able to move from this spot for what seemed like an eternity.  She didn’t want to go home – it was too quiet.  Her mother was away until next week so she couldn’t go there and see her.  She wanted to cry and scream and hit the rewind button.  Her life had changed so much in the past 8 months she didn’t even know who she was anymore.  She didn’t regret leaving Roy but she regretted the way she did things – how she handled it all.  Once upon a time before he would set the date she could have left and everyone would have understood.  But she waited until 2 weeks before the wedding and she could no longer play the victim.  She had waited too long and hurt too many people.  And she lost the one person who meant the world to her. 

She heard the rooftop door open and she could almost feel him walking over to her.  Without a word he slipped into the chair next to her and they sat there in silence for a few minutes. 

“Hey” was all he could manage. 

“Hey” 

“So…um…I’m sorry about Roy’s grandmother.  I know you were close with her – I mean – I remember you saying that…before.” 

“Yeah.  We were close.  I loved her.  My grandmothers passed away when I was little so Roy’s grandmother…well, we were close.” 

“I’m sorry” 

“You already said that” 

“I know..I don’t know what else to say I guess.”  

They sat in silence for a while…he looked at her and once again was struck by how he had almost forgotten how beautiful she was.  Her tear streaked cheeks were pink from the cold.  The way she wrapped her arms around herself to keep warm made her look so small and fragile.  He wanted to grab her and wrap himself around her – take care of her, keep her safe.  Instead he just watched her and he felt helpless and inadequate.  He felt like he had given up the right to comfort her.  For as much as they were a part of eachothers lives for so long – now…they felt like strangers sometimes.  It hit him right there how much of her life he has missed.  She’s changed.  Her life has changed.  She might have new friends and new interests that he has no idea about.   She might have a new favorite movie or book.

The silence broke as Pam started to speak “I was…really close with her.  When Roy and I – when I called off the wedding Roy’s whole family was angry and upset.  Which I totally understood.  His sister and I were so close but we haven’t even spoken since then at all.  His grandmother reached out to me though.  She called me and told me that I needed to follow my heart, and that she would always love me.  She was one of the few people who actually stood by me through it all.  And now - I won’t even get a chance to say goodbye to her.”   Pam’s shoulders started to shake and she buried her face in her hands and cried.   

It was then that he realized how selfish he had been.  He hadn’t stopped to think about what she’d been through.  What it had taken her to make a leap like that – change her whole life.  Undo almost 10 years.  And he wasn’t there.  She’d done it knowing that he wasn’t there as her safety net.  She’d jumped into a whole new life with no lifevest, and no one to really hold on to.  And he wasn’t there.  He’d always been there but the one time she probably really needed him – he was gone.   

He moved closer to her and wrapped his arms around her shoulder.  Her head fell into his neck as if she had been waiting for him to comfort her.   

“Shhh…Pam..hey…it’s okay…I’m here.” He whispered as she sobbed into his shirt.  The feeling of her against him warmed him and she smelled exactly as he had remembered.  That hadn’t changed.  He closed his eyes and let the feeling of her in his arms wash over him – the suffocating feeling in his chest seemed to subside – until he heard the door of the roof open.