Jan Levinson-Gould had not had a cigarette in nearly a year. She didn't even crave them anymore. Smoking was a disgusting habit that was in her past, and if it was any other day and she was meeting with any other employee, she would've honored that.
But today was a special day, so to speak. A special day in which she was to meet with Michael Scott, the manager of the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin, to talk business, serious business. Today she needed to help Michael develop a plan to save his failing branch. Today she needed to get Michael to do something proactive.
Today was a four-pack day at least.
* *
The drive to Scranton seemed longer every time, perhaps because each visit was weighed down with the memory of the last. On this particular occasion Jan, with a cigarette pressed between two fingers, was thinking about her last business meeting in Scranton.
Michael and Dwight had been having a bench-pressing thing, and were covered in sweat when she arrived. Michael kept talking in a very deep voice and making horrible Arnold Schwarzenegger references. Dwight had downed three jugs of Gatorade over the hour she was there, and the whole front of his shirt was stained blue by the time she made her escape.
To say that Jan was dreading this visit wasn't really … it wasn't a strong enough statement. She was worried, and a little frightened - both for her life and her job.
Jan stubbed out her cigarette at the stoplight before the Scranton office. As she turned into the parking lot, she thought of comforting, relaxing things. She reminded herself that Michael had been appointed manager for a reason (though, if she'd had had any foresight, Jan would've probably promoted … here, while she parked her car as straight as she could in the compact car space, Jan tried to imagine a different employee to promote. Huh. Maybe that was why she'd promoted Michael.)
He was a good worker. At times. He brought in business. When he didn't drive it away. This would be a productive meeting, and they'd find a way to increase profits for his branch. If he didn't insist on showing her a magic trick this time and somehow end up with her bra halfway unhooked and HR on the phone.
Jan crossed the parking lot, eighty dollar high heels clacking against the asphalt. There were two gray vans on the far side of the lot she hadn't seen before. They must've been Vance Refrigeration trucks.
But no, Vance Refrigeration wasn't written on the side, and everything from Vance Refrigeration was aptly labeled with large 'Vance Refrigeration' stickers.
By the time she'd gotten to the elevator, Jan had forgotten about the strange vans. She was going over her schedule. She'd had similar meetings with several other branch managers in the company, and they'd taken about an hour. Jan allowed herself two for Michael, with a lunch scheduled after if it were to run over. Then she'd go back to the office for another three, and hopefully have time to get dinner with –
The first thing she saw coming out of the elevator was a guy with a camera.
It didn't have a 'Vance Refrigeration' sticker on the side, and it was most definitely filming the 'Dunder Mifflin' logo on the office door.
Jan absently patted the side of her purse for the square outline of her cigarettes. Just to make sure.
* *
He had hired a film crew.
"You hired a film crew?"
He had hired a film crew.
Clenching her fists and a couple other body parts, Jan stared at the childlike look on Michael's face. He was like a child, smiling at her from behind a desk cluttered with toys and trick pens and a glow-in-the-dark pad of stickers. Jan wondered if she wasn't dealing with a childish man, but with a mastermind, who actually thought through all of this, and was plotting against her and the whole company. It would be genius.
And if it was Dwight sitting behind the desk, telling her he'd just hired a film crew to catalogue on tape the spiraling downfall of their company's branch, she might've believed it. But it was Michael. He wasn't trying to make anyone's life harder; he was just really good at it.
"Michael, I don't think I understand this," Jan sat up a bit and spoke slowly and clearly, "I don't actually remember you calling me, your boss, and asking if you could … feature yourself in a documentary."
Michael's grin faltered for a moment. "That's because I didn't, yet, that's why I called you down here, to talk with you about the finer …aspects of this deal."
"Okay, well first of all, Michael, I arranged this meeting to talk with you about your branch's performance. This was never on the agenda."
"I would like to affix this onto the agenda, please, then, Jan." Michael had a tendency to add all sorts of nuggets to the agenda at the last second, like bowling parties and crab-cake bakes and the option of having a Monday Movie Day (which she nipped in the bud quickly and effectively), but today's meeting was serious and could have no extra nuggets.
"Michael, I'm here to discuss with you a plan for increasing the productivity of your branch. We've found that several –"
"Oh, so we're not going to talk about my TV show?"
"We'll get to it, Michael, but first I have some forms I need you to look at-"
"Good! I have a few release forms for you, too! They're… Pam has them. I'll be-are-be." Michael jumped out of his seat and slid out of the room, coming back a second later with a small stack of forms. "This is like, release forms, and so they can shoot the building, and all sorts of legal mumbo gumbo."
Jan took Michael's papers and tried to hand him hers, but he wasn't paying attention.
"See, it's going to be this amazing documentary all about life here at Dunder Mifflin Scranton. It'll be like the Real World. Or Survivor!"
Jan snapped a little. "Michael, you can't actually be thinking of going through with this."
"I- yes, I can be thinking of going through with this. It is to be done. It'll be awesome."
"Michael, your branch is losing business. I am here today to help you come up with a plan to prevent downsizing or even –god forbid- closing the branch. Now, if this was to fail, would you want that caught on, on tape?"
"Well first of all, Jan, stop trying to psyche me out."
"I am not trying to psyche-"
"We're doing fine. Business is booming, booming like a giant, explosive flower. We are a huge Dunder Mifflin rose-"
"All right, you're thinking of blooming, and this is a very real concern, and if you'd just look at these performance charts-"
"and you are just like a bacteria coming and wiping out all of our plants. What I am trying to do, is I'm trying to make a success story that people will watch and they will cry. With joy at how successful we'll be."
"Okay," Jan took the floor while Michael was pausing for breath, "Michael, okay, this is not what this meeting is about, but I will allow a moment of discussion to nip this in the bud."
"See, the metaphor works."
"Stop it. You cannot bring a film crew into an office. You are exploiting your employees, for one thing. Performance is already down, so you elect to film your staffs' every move? Don't you see what kind of distraction that will cause?"
"No, see, you're so wrong, Jan," Michael jumped out of his seat once more and hurried over to the window. With a sweeping gesture, he opened the blinds.
There were two guys with cameras walking around the office. Jan could've sworn the looks on their faces were near sadistic. Most of the employees were giving the cameras awkward side-glances, but many were abandoning their work to stare right at them.
Dwight Schrute had a handful of pencils and a pile of rubber bands and seemed to be fashioning something for the benefit of one of the cameras. Jan turned back to Michael's desk, an ache rising in her temple, and an itch for a smoke rising everywhere else.
"It's like on Survivor, okay," Michael climbed back into his chair and started to explain the situation in a way that involved a lot of hand motioning, "And on Survivor, they've got all these tasks to do, just like at a regular job. So, say they have to eat some kind of urine-soaked pig intestine for the show."
"Michael, I'm not sure where you're planning on going with this-"
"And even though – Jan – even though it's disgusting, they do it, you know? And it's not because they want to, but because they have these cameras looming over them, watching their every move. Because they know that if they don't, the cameras will know. And what's more, America will know. And parts of Canada and Europe."
"I'm sorry, Michael, but I cannot allow this to happen. This is not a reality show, these are peoples' jobs and lives. You should've called me a long time before you-"
"C'mon, Jan! Everyone is all excited, and they've signed the release forms. Some of them. Most of them. Toby wanted to talk to you first. He is such a. You and Toby make the urine."
"Michael..."
"You are the urine that is going all over the intestines and you're making my employees eat it. Or not eat it. When they want to. On television."
Jan took a deep, steadying breath, "Michael. Please do not relate me to any sort of bodily fluid. Now, I am going to talk with Toby, now, and then we're going to sit down and discuss the plan to – wait, please tell me you haven't signed any contracts yet."
The look of sudden urgency and terror on Michael's face was answer enough.
"Okay, I need to speak with Toby immediately."
* *
"I tried to talk to him about it, but he'd already signed legal documents before he even spoke to us. I'm sorry." Toby heaved a sigh, running a hand over his tired face. "He called a meeting in the conference room and held a vote on who wanted an office getaway at a movie premier. Then he said it wasn't a movie premier, but that Hollywood was coming to us and we could hold our own premier here. When no one understood what that meant, he started passing out release forms and told us about the documentary crew."
Knowing there was a carton of cigarettes waiting in her glove compartment was just enough to keep Jan from popping Toby's sad dog face off and throwing it at Michael.
"And you all signed the forms?"
Toby cleared his throat carefully, "A lot of them did, yes."
"Because they actually agreed to being on television or-"
"Because they were working all day, and when you've been signing forms for four hours, it sort of becomes a habit?"
"But once they found out they were going to be filmed, someone raised an objection, right?" Jan was feeling panicky. Why wasn't anyone else bothered by this?
"Well," Toby was fiddling with a stack of post-its on his desk. He shrugged, "The girls all seem to like the idea, Kelly screamed with joy. Stanley doesn't care, Creed's only complaint was that he wouldn't get a trailer for naps. Everyone just sort of … doesn't mind."
"They don't mind," Jan repeated.
"Jim sort of said it best. He said, 'Adds a little variety to the day, right?' I thought that was kind of, kind of cool…"
Jan turned away from Toby and scanned the office around her. Humdrum, beaten-looking employees were at every turn, so bored that they had all agreed to be on a TV show to add some spice to their day.
Jan wondered if the show would end up being a comedy, or one of the most depressing segments on television.
* *
Scheduling lunch after the meeting had been a smart move, because the two hour block she'd set aside was nearly through and she and Michael hadn't actually had the meeting yet. Upon reconvening in Michael's office, Jan wasn't sure they were even going to get to it today.
"I have some release forms for you to fill out."
Jan sat down a little harder than she meant to. "What does that mean, exactly?"
Michael grinned, "If you want to be on my show! Sign this and we can get the cameras in here right now-"
"No, no, no, Michael, this, I'm not, no, Michael. This meeting isn't going to be filmed."
"Well not for the show! Today they're just seeing how the cameras will work around the desks, so if there's any rearranging to do-"
Jan held her tongue.
"-we can get it done before the shoot starts. Plus, they're picking a place for the one-on-one interviews."
But not for long. "The what? "
"Haven't you ever watched anything? In reality shows, you have like a special box that you go into and have a heart-to-heart with the camera. During the day, people will go into maybe the conference room, and talk with the guys and do a little special interview. Get all their feelings out there, get it all out. Because say, if Angela has a problem with Kevin, she'd never confront him about it, because she's sort of a tight-ass, so she'd go into the room and have a breakdown in front of the camera."
"Michael! That is exploiting your employees for the sake of-"
"It's television, Jan! This is what it is! If you don't want to watch my show then fine, you don't have to. But as their boss, I think the employees would find it offensive that you don't want to be a part of this great thing that we're all being a part of…"
"All right. Michael, can you promise me that this isn't going to affect your branch's performance? Because from the looks of it – the one-on-one interviews, the cameras everywhere – it could be very distracting. I just. I need you to assure me it won't hurt business, so I can leave with a good conscience."
Michael puffed up importantly. He'd been waiting for this question. "Jan, it'll help our business immensely. Because, for starters, the profits from the television show can go straight to the company. After my cut, I mean. And also, fame. Everyone will want to buy from Dunder Mifflin once it's on TV. Like after you watch Friends, you really want to get one of those big coffee cups, you know? So then, after they watch our show, the average American will think to himself 'Hmm, I want some paper. I should go get it from Dunder Mifflin, support my favorite show!' Of course, we don't sell to personal buyers, only companies, so we couldn't help … him, but if he worked for a business that used paper, then there that is. Also, there's merchandise that we could manufacture and sell. That could go to people. And businesses. You never, you never know. About merchandise."
"I have to be honest with you, Michael, this isn't doing anything to quell my concerns."
"See but, let me tell you about my shirt idea. I have a paper here-" Michael began rooting through the papers on his desk, spreading out the forms he'd wanted Jan to sign (Jan had been pointedly ignoring them). When he didn't find what he was searching for on his desk, Michael began to pat down his pockets.
Jan wondered what this meeting would be like with a camera in her face.
"Michael, I really think this is a bad idea. And if you had come to me and asked me, I would've told you this, and I'm sure the CFO would've agreed with …" On a chance, Jan looked down at the forms on Michael's desk, the releases and other documents. There was a very familiar name scrawled on a long black line. Jan's attention snapped back up to Michael. "Michael, where did you get the CFO's signature?"
"From the … from the CFO, Jan," Michael produced a crumpled paper from his back pocket with t-shirts sketched on it, but Jan didn't listen as he talked about refining the company logo.
He had gone to Corporate, and Corporate had Okayed the entire operation.
It was like a conspiracy. Maybe he was a mastermind.
"Oh, you know what, these are T-Shirt designs for my Agent Scarn line of – my, I mean, it’s a, my private project of spy … we can talk merchandise later." Michael scrambled to stuff the paper into his pocket, but not before Jan caught the image of a hoodie adorned with a cartoon Michael in sunglasses clutching a smoking gun.
So, not a mastermind. Just really good at making everyone else miserable.
This had just gone from a four-pack day to a million-pack day.
Jan pressed the bridge of her nose, attempting to ward off her headache. "This has already been approved by corporate, by your employees, even, even by Toby, because he just doesn't seem to care. No one seems to care."
Michael bristled, "Toby has no passion at all. He doesn't care about my – I don't care about him."
"Oh…okay, I think we need to conclude this meeting some other time, this is a little much to take in," Jan collected her jacket and purse, standing up shakily. The room was suddenly very small. Michael had a film crew, and she technically had no power to stop him. If that wasn't a lot to take in…
"Oh wait, wasn't there something you needed to talk to me about? We didn't get to your thing."
Jan hesitated a second before shaking her head, "We'll do that another time. Next week. Or something. Right now I have a lunch appointment I need to get to."
"Really, it's almost three o'clock."
"Of course it is," Jan held out her hand to Michael, "When I get back to the office I'll schedule a time to talk about your branch's performance."
"Oh right, sure," Michael shook her hand, placing his other palm on top for a second. Jan flinched at the contact. "Jan, don't be stressed out about this. They did a show like this in Britain a few years ago and it did wonders for the company."
"Is that true?"
"Yeah. Sure. I only saw like two episodes though so I'm not positive, but-"
When Jan finally emerged from the building, the weight she usually felt being lifted from her shoulders after escaping Michael wasn't there. Or rather, it was still there, pressing down on her violently, giving those eighty dollar shoes nearly more weight than they could sustain. Michael's office was failing, and they'd need to confront that soon. But first, of course, Michael needed to make a television show. It would be, at the very least, a way to see what the employees were really doing all day…
Jan didn't make it to her car before lighting her first cigarette, and, with her lunch time blown, she drove back to New York alone, wondering despite herself what Michael would look like on television.
He might actually be entertaining when no one else is around.
She might finally be able to solve that Mastermind or Fool problem.
Story Notes:
This was written for agate @ yankeeficswap. Her prompt was "Jan, Toby, or Ryan dealing with Michael in any capacity." I came up with an idea to somewhat explain my theory on just how in the world Jan would ever approve Michael hiring a documentary crew.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Disclaimer: I don't own The Office, just borrowing the characters to bring cheer and joy in the holiday season. I don't claim ownership, nor am I profiting from this story.
perrynqa is the author of 2 other stories.
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