June 8, 2006
The tense feeling in her chest just wouldn’t subside. She had looked down at different art school brochures a thousand times, desperately trying to convince herself that her art was practical. Every time she had mentioned it, Roy told her that it was just a silly ambition. Art wasn’t going to pay the bills, he would say. Art was a waste of time, he would say as he popped open another and put on yet another football game, getting out of the conversation he never really wanted to have.
The feeling intensified as Pam thought back on all the times she used to do this with Roy. Argue her point that her dreams were important. It wasn’t until that moment she realized now she was just arguing with herself. There was nobody there to tell her that she shouldn’t follow her dreams. She was telling herself that her aspirations were worthless. She used to have goals. She used to have something to long for. Now
she just had a couple of art brochures and a paper shredder running. Immediately, she was back at the job she had taken to be close to Roy. She looked down once more at her identity, and with one foul swoop, threw the brochures into the shredder. The basket filled with bright orange and blue shreds, and there was nothing more she could do than shut the shredder off.
Two hours passed slowly, and in that time she had accomplished nothing. A game of sudoku, and exactly 27 different thoughts of Jim in Stamford. Only one thought of the shredded art brochures, but the ringing of the phone quickly silenced that.
“Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.”
“Hey Pam.” He said, and she instantly knew it was Jim on the other line.
She sighed contently. “Hey.”
“Did you get the mail yet?” He asked, getting giddy with anticipation. She, on the other hand, turned sour. She had opened his letter, giving her encouragement to pursue her art. It was something she had always talked about doing when she was with Roy, but he was always four square against it. She sighed.
“Yeah.” She said, looking down morosely.
“And…?” He pursued, hoping he had pushed her in the right direction. It was something she was passionate about. And she was good at it, too.
“I don’t think so.” She admitted, defeated. Jim sat in his chair, stunned. That was not the response he was hoping. “I mean, I just don’t think now is the right time.”
“When is there ever a right time to do anything?” Jim let out, sounding slightly bitter. “Pam, you are so good. You shouldn’t be stuck at some dead-end job. You deserve to be doing something better.”
“Are we really going to have this fight?” She asked, lowering her voice only a little. The once excited expression on her face suddenly turned to anger. “Again?”
“Don’t get angry, Pam. I was just trying...”
“I’m capable of making my own decisions.” She snapped, remembering all the things she used to fight with Roy about. She could’ve sworn she heard Roy’s voice when Jim said that.
“I know that. I’m sorry.” He admitted, trying to wave his white flag. He didn’t want to see her angry, or even think about her sitting at her desk, steaming at the thought of him. Even though when she got angry, her cheeks got flushed, and there was a sort of silent urgency in everything she did. The way she spoke, the way she stared at you, the way she shuffled around papers to make herself distracted. “I just thought it would be a good idea.”
“I can’t do it.” She sighed, resting her hand on her forehead. “I’m sorry, but it’s just not the right time.”
“Don’t give up, Pam.” He said softly, trying not to be overheard by his Stamford coworkers. “You have real talent. Don’t waste it by sitting behind the receptionist’s desk.”
She felt the anger rising from her feet, to her hands. Without finishing her conversation, she slammed the receiver back on the base. It left a resonating crack throughout the office, and all eyes were on her. She was shocked she had done something like that, but she didn’t need him telling her what to do. He wasn’t perfect, either. He’d made a lot of mistakes, and he had no right to tell her what to do. Feeling the pressure of everybody staring at her, she strutted off into the bathroom.
She hung up in her. He was just trying to encourage her, and she hung up on him. He knew better than to call her back right then, it would probably result in her hanging up on him again. She just needed some time to relax. He had to give her space.
“Hey.” Karen said, walking towards his desk. He looked up at her, and smiled. “Did you have plans for lunch?” He thought about Pam, angry up in Scranton. He wished he could just talk to her, explain that he didn’t want to get her angry. And that he would support her, whatever her decision was. But he knew now wasn’t the time. He looked up at her, with an excited look in her eyes. The truth was, he could go for some lunch.
“Sure.” He said, grabbing his suit jacket. “Where are we going?”
Her time spent in the bathroom was a productive one. After countless minutes of being so angry with Jim for trying to force this art thing on her, she realized Jim wasn’t pushing at all. He was taking her hand softly, leading her in the right way. And once again, she had screwed things up. She had been the one doing the pushing, and now they were going to be locked up in this stupid argument for the rest of the day. She didn’t want to be angry with him—she was just angry with herself for giving up so easily. Being with Roy had become her identity. She was always the fiancée, the girlfriend, the something. She was never Pam. Now she needed to find herself, and clearly those art schools were a step in the right direction.
She spent her lunch break on the computer, looking up different programs in the area. Her indecisiveness became a major problem, because every single one of them looked like a good idea. When she finally settled on a weekend seminar on drawing and illustration, she took a giant step with an online signup sheet. With each letter she typed up, she felt a little freer. But when the final step came up, she panicked. Was it too fast? Was she rushing into something that may not lead to anything? She looked down in panic, at her own little piece of Jim. The way he stared at her that night was astonishing. He had taken such a big step that night when he told her how he really felt. Now it was time for her to do the same. He had dared her to move, and for once, she was going to. She hit submit on her online application, with such pride and passion. She was walking in the right direction. Sick of fighting with Jim, and desperate to tell him she was going to sign up for some art classes after all, Pam picked up the phone and dialed his cell.
“Hey, can you get that?” Jim called from the hostesses stand, picking up their tab. His cell phone was ringing, and Karen was closer than he was. She nodded.
“Hello?” Karen said dignified. There was no response. “Hello?”
“Um, is Jim there?” Pam replied, stunned that a woman was answering Jim’s personal cell phone.
“Yeah, he’s here. Hold on a second.” Karen expressed, handing the phone off to Jim as he sat back down.
“This is Jim.” But by the time he uttered those words, there was nothing but a dial tone. It was weird how somebody just called for him, then hung up when... Karen... Answered the phone. He immediately knew who had called, and buried his head in his hands at this response.
“What’s wrong?” Karen asked, noting his sudden disposition.
“Nothing.” Jim replied, kicking himself as he thought of what Pam was thinking about the situation right about now. She was going to think he was on a date with another girl. And Pam had just talked to the other girl. This was not good.
Another girl had answered his cell. Another girl, that sounded much more intelligent and much prettier, answered his cell, which meant that they weren’t just in the office. She could hear clattering drinks, laughter. They were in a restaurant, eating lunch, having fun together. Jealous rippled throughout her body as she thought of what they were doing. He was probably telling her his clever little anecdotes about his childhood and what Scranton was like. She was probably shamelessly flirting, laughing at every single joke. He was probably not even thinking about her anymore.
“Are you okay?” Phyllis broke into Pam’s thoughts, with a caring tone. Pam jumped a little, and looked up slowly at Phyllis. She reluctantly nodded. “Are you sure?”
“Not really.” Pam said, breaking down. Phyllis offered her a sympathetic ear. “It’s kind of hard to explain, but I called...somebody special, and another girl answered the phone.” Phylis let out a small grin at this.
“If you’re talking about who I think you’re talking about, you should be fine.” Phyllis alluded, winking at Pam. She was so comforted by this, she couldn’t help but smile. “You should call him back. It’s probably just a misunderstanding.”
“Thanks.” Pam choked out, overwhelmed with all of her emotions. Phyllis nodded, and walked slowly back to her desk. She didn’t want to seem conspicuous. Calling up Jim right away would seem pathetic and desperate. Plus there would be the unwanted addition of everybody overhearing the conversation. So she would wait.
“Do you want to talk?” Karen said after some silent time between her and Jim. Things had been going great (for once) and all of a sudden, he just froze up. She thought he liked him. What was happening?
“It’s fine.” Jim reassured her for the sixth time since their lunch. He wasn’t completely sure if it was Pam that had called him, but he was pretty sure about it. He felt guilty. Out on a date with a girlfriend back in Scranton; it definitely wasn’t in keeping with the promise he had made to Pam on their first date. I’ll never hurt you. He was a hypocrite, and this was proving it.
“So what are you doing this weekend?” Karen broke the awkwardness between them. Jim thought about it, remembering what the date was. Saturday was a big day for him, but it had to be a complete surprise.
“Nothing much, really. Probably just going to hang out or something.”
“Maybe we could hang out together.” Karen insinuated, hoping Jim was getting the hint. Lately, she had been developing a major crush on him. And she wasn’t the kind of girl who just silently swooned for someone. She went in there, in a blaze of glory.
He wanted to tell her no. Crush all hope. But he was still getting to know everybody around Stamford, and he didn’t want to have that awkward tension between them. There still would be. He just shrugged, and stared off into space. He couldn’t help but sit there, thinking about the benefits of being back in Scranton, Pennsylvania.
***
Closing time. Everybody slowly filed out of the office, wasted from their tedious day of Michael’s antics. Pam ducked into the bathroom, hoping the camera crew would be gone by the time she left. Once the office was clear, Pam sat down at her desk, staring at the phone. The numbers teased her. Just call him already. She had been suffering all day, and hearing his voice would likely cure that. Finally filled with courage, she picked up his phone. She wasn’t quite sure why, but she dialed his work phone. With no surprise, she got voice mail. Hopefully that would make it easier. “Hey Jim, it’s me.” She sighed, slowly deciding what to tell him. She took one finger and played with a loose curl on her shoulder. “I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. I’m probably missing something here. But you have to understand why I’m upset. I mean, I called your cell phone and another girl answered. You have no idea how much that hurt me. But like I said, I’m not going to jump to any conclusions until I talk to you. So... call me.” She finished up, feeling better having dumped all her lingering emotions. Now all she could do was wait for him to call back. And that was the hardest part.
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© 2006-2023 More Than That | Skin created by Kali