June 10, 2006
The first thing she noticed as she woke up was the calendar, hanging on the wall, taunting her. She could remember where the big, red circle used to be around this day, and how many times she had looked at it with pure elation. The second thing she noticed was how badly she wanted to just fall back into her bed, forgetting every little detail about the past week. From the times Michael uttered inappropriate comments to her, to the times she desperately wished Jim would call her back.
It was supposed to be her wedding day. If things had been different, she’d be sleeping in her old bed, dreaming of this morning. She would be waking up to nerves instead of the buzzing of her alarm clock. She would spend the morning sitting in her kitchen as her friend did her makeup. She’d listen to her mom, her grandma; all give her advice about what marriage is really like. She’d sigh in bliss at the thought of Roy, and still be completely nervous that Jim wasn’t actually going to be there. She would’ve been thinking how badly she wanted her best friend to be there. But now she knew how she just wanted him to save her. Save her from marrying Roy, from leading “that life” of soundless mediocrity. She would’ve been in bed, wishing how things could’ve been different.
And now they were. Things were different. She was in a tiny apartment, haunted by the memories of how many times she had been alone in it. She was lying in bed, hating herself for letting this fight with Jim go on for so long. The only thing that had stayed the same between the two was how she was in bed, waking up to nerves instead of her alarm clock.
She pulled herself out of bed after a half hour of thinking to herself. Rubbing her eyes, she noticed the alarm clock sitting on her end table. 7:15. She rolled her eyes, and tightened the loose ponytail dangling from the top of her head. Wandering into the kitchen, she grabbed a box of Honey Nut Cheerios from the cupboard. She looked over at the answering machine, hoping that she had missed a call sometime between midnight when she fell asleep, and now. She desperately wanted that red number to be flashing, but it stood stationary. Two days. It had taken him two days to call back, and every hour that passed without a phone ringing, she hated the silence even more.
She turned on the radio, hoping it would be a good distraction from the emptiness of her apartment. The soft guitar chords of “With or Without You” began, leaving her on the floor, enveloped in memories. Michael had insisted on everybody seeing his video he’d made for corporate the day before Valentine’s Day. She sat down next to Jim in the conference room, waiting for something horrible to happen. Every time something on screen came up, he’d turn to her and they’d laugh with each other. Just small giggles, not trying to be too upfront with it. The song seems so relevant now. She looked over at the phone, still taunting her. He still hadn’t called.
It was about noon when she decided she wasn’t going to spend the entire day feeling sorry for herself. This day was a blessing in disguise. If she hadn’t caught him on casino night, she may never have caught him. She would be married to a man who was cheating on her. The heartbreak of ending an engagement was nothing compared to ending a marriage. So she wasn’t going to let herself feel bad all day. She went into her room, and pulled on a pair of jeans and a gray t-shirt. It wasn’t quite the most flattering outfit, but it was comfortable. Comfort was key.
She pulled out her sketchbook, and some oil pastels. It was her favorite medium to draw with, because the colors easily blended into each other, forming one organized mess of hues. She held the black one in her hand, and began drawing abstract lines. Up and down, in frivolous patterns, until they were all connected, and she realized it was a wedding dress. Her wedding dress. The dress she would’ve been wearing today in some alternate universe. She tore out the page. A new page was opened.
A pair of eyes. She shaded them in just right, with a perfect blend of blue and green. They outreached to a jaw line, with strong definition. She highlighted the cheeks, with rosy shades of pink. A perfect, humble blush that blended into a perfect smile. Half smiling, half frowning, this drawing was slowly becoming a man with definite features. She linked his features together, and finished it off with a head of hair. Brown and sloppy, messed around his head. She took a step back, and felt as if she were staring at him again. The man gazing at her was just a work of art, but she felt all the blood rush to her head then. He always made her dizzy like that, and now she didn’t have to feel guilty about it. She tore out the page, and finding the folder sitting on her desk. She slipped it in the folder, among her other art works. Doodles on post-it notes she had done, cartoons on the back of lunch bags, paintings she had done as practice. All of them different interpretations of him that she felt were too important to be ignored.
The phone was ringing. She had forgotten what it had felt like to hear it ring, and she raced faster than ever to the receiver.
“Hello?” She said, building up the anticipation in her mind. He was calling her back. She could feel it.
“Hey honey.” It was Pam’s mom. And she really did love her mom, but she couldn’t help but feel a little deflated that it wasn’t Jim’s voice on the other line. “How you holding up.”
“I’m fine.” Pam sighed, sitting down on the couch. “I was just getting some sketching done.”
“That’s nice. But I mean, how are you doing today?” She asked, hinting towards Pam’s cancelled wedding.
“Not so good.” Pam accepted that she wasn’t going to fake anything when it came to her mom. She threw herself down on the couch, and swung her legs over the side. “I miss him.”
“Pam, you dumped him for a reason.” Her mother replied in a rigid tone of voice.
“Not him.” Pam sighed. “I miss Jim.”
“Well of course you miss him, he’s your best friend.” Pam’s tongue quickly became attached to the roof of her mouth. A combination of her paralyzing fear of moving too fast and her denial of reality had lead her to not tell her own mom about her new relationship.
“There’s something I need to tell you...” She began, unable to think of what to say.
“You love him, don’t you?” Her mom said, not missing a beat. One second of silence. Two seconds. “I’ll take that as a yes. How long?”
“I don’t know, mom.” She recalled the conversation she had on casino night. How Pam realized she kind of loved Jim. Not in the way that he loved her, but an emotion nonetheless. Her mom had supported her, whichever way she decided to go. If she wanted to stay with Roy, her mom was there. If she was going to pursue Jim and her dreams, her mom had her back. “It just sort of happened. But we had this big, stupid fight. And he hasn’t called back.” She paused, biting her lip. She wanted nothing more than to have him call her back. “I’m not so sure he’s going to call back.”
“I’m sure he’ll call.” Pam’s mom began a monologue, but the knocking of the door distracted Pam. She grabbed the cord and unit attached to it, tightened her grip on the phone, and made her way towards the door. The floorboards creaked as she walked over towards the door. Before she gripped the doorknob, the phone slipped from her grasp. It was in her hand as she opened the door. She looked up, and met his gaze.
“Hi.” He said, breathlessly as she opened the door. In his strong hands he held a small bouquet of white flowers, shaking with his nerves. He looked tired from the long drive, but it was all worth while when he looked into her deep stare. The look in her eyes told him how bad she had wanted him to call her back, and the surprise of this arrival was totally worth it. Her face did not crack with a smile, she just stood there shocked by him being there. The phone slowly dropped from her ear, and it fell on the floor with a loud crack. She moved swiftly into his arms, burying herself in his compassion. His t-shirt melded with hers, leaving their flesh upon each other. She gripped him closer, never loosening it up. “I take it you’re glad to see me.” He said, his smile going from ear to ear as she slowly drew away from him.
“You have no idea.” She said, forgetting about the phone. This was leagues better than a phone call. Having him there, especially today, was well worth the silence. She just sighed, pleased to be in his presence.
“Hello?” The distant voice murmured from the floor. It took her a second to realize that she had dropped the phone, and she rushed to pick it up.
“Mom?” She said, not waiting for a response. “Listen, I have to go. Yeah, I’ll call you soon. Bye.” She rushed through her words, waiting so she could hang up. Her mom was right.
“Are these for me?” Pam asked as Jim still stood in her doorway, holding the white flowers.
“Funny you should ask. They’re actually for Dwight and I was kind of hoping you could give them to him for me.” He said with a slick smile.
“Get in here, Halpert, before I wipe that grin off your face.” She said, pulling him playfully by the shirt. Dutifully, he walked in. He went in under her sink, looking for a vase to put the flowers in.
“I’m sorry I didn’t call.” He said, voice muffled from the sink. He successfully retrieved the short, clear vase and set it down in the sink to be filled with water. “I figured it’d be a nicer surprise if I just showed up at your door one day. Especially today.” He continued, and she felt the tender spot in her heart being tickled just a little bit.
“It’s fine.” She said, taking a seat. After her white flowers were in their vase, and on the table, he took a seat next to her.
“So how are you doing?” He asked, genuinely concerned about her. She had a hint of sadness in her eyes, probably about today.
“Better.” She said, gazing deeply at him. “Now.” Things like that made him smile, both internally and externally.
“I’m sorry.” Jim said, grabbing her hands. He smoothed them out, feeling the softness of her touch. “I shouldn’t have gone to lunch with Karen.”
“I know.” She cut him off, assuming that this was an admission of his wrongdoing. “I just got so angry, I wasn’t thinking clearly.” They both tittered awkwardly, instantly not breathing.
“You are such a girl, Beesley.” He said with a sarcastic smile. She jokingly slapped him across the arm, and he laughed lightly. He dug his hands into her side, beginning to tickle her. She laughed softly, but couldn’t help but think of all the times Roy used to do that to avoid arguments.
“Don’t.” She said suddenly very serious. “Please.” Jim put his hands up in the air, immediately stopping. He looked at her with his big eyes, begging for an apology. “I’ll forgive you if you buy me lunch.”
“You drive a hard bargain, Miss Beesley.” Jim said, standing up. Pam followed his lead, standing from her living room. She switched the radio off, appreciating the silence between them. She could hear every syllable he spoke. She liked it that way.
“I’m sorry about blowing up at you about the art school thing.” She said as they walked down the street. There was an old diner a couple blocks down, and Jim had been driving for so long that the idea of walking didn’t bother him at all. Besides, it was an excuse to walk close to Pam and maybe even hold her hand. “You were right. And that’s why I’ve signed up for a couple courses.”
“That’s great, Beesley!” He said, playfully tugging at her shoulder. She nearly lost her balance at this, but she persevered, keeping her steps intact. “Believe me, you are going to blow them all away.”
“I don’t know about that...” She trailed off modestly. He just looked at her.
“I do. You’re great at it, Pam. Don’t ever doubt yourself.” She grinned, and leaned in closer towards him. “Now, I have to know...”
“What?”
“If you’ve kept the Dwight prank torch burning.” He said with a childish grin. Getting him excited with pranks was an easy way to break the ice whenever times got tense.
“Let me tell you, it’s been a pretty crazy week...” She opened, realizing they had another three blocks to go before they were at the restaurant.
The dinner was old school with jukeboxes, tin walls, and the whole nine yards. They picked a booth in the corner, far away from the emptiness of the diner. Their feet brushed up against each other as they sat in silence.
“I still can’t believe you drove all this way just to be here.” Pam sighed; simply astonished he would do such a grand gesture. She knew better than to expect less than amazing from him.
“What can I say, I love Scranton.” He replied, and then quickly picked up a menu. Because if he would’ve kept staring at her, things would’ve gone haywire. “I hear this restaurant has the best ham and cheese sandwich.”
“Don’t you ever get sick of eating the same sandwich every day?” She asked, chuckling to herself. He looked away from the menu, shaking his head.
“I could never get sick of something so amazing.” His eyes were stitched to hers.
“Are we talking about sandwiches or people?”
“Both.”
“I always knew you had a thing for Dwight.”
“Just pick a sandwich, Beesley.” He said with a smile.
They had chewed their sandwiches, exchanging stories from Stamford and Scranton. Jim told her all about Andy, and Pam told him how she had found new ways to torture Dwight. Jim had fulfilled his promise of buying her lunch, and he had managed to accomplish his goal of making her smile just once. And she had easily forgotten today was the day she was supposed to get married.
