Andy was having a good day. His anger management class had been cancelled because the instructor was in a road rage incident. Andy had also had breakfast that morning at Denny’s and the waitress gave him her phone number because she liked his “sweet ride”. Best of all, Michael had chosen him to lead up a new account from upstate New York… Thank you, Cornell!

So, feeling good, he decided to invite his only true pal in the workplace out to lunch.  “Hey, Big Tuna wanna have lunch today? Men’s club. Boy’s lunch out? Ruby Tuesday? Waitresses in short skirts and hot dogs. All American male meal.”

“Gee….um…no.” Jim said without looking up from his computer.

“What? Big Tuna, are you kidding me? Hey, let me look on the menu.” He mimed looking at an invisible menu, “Yes indeed, they serve the Tuna Melt at Ruby’s.” Andy leaned in for the kill and whispered “Don’t you want your tuna melted?”

Jim stood up and walked over to the Reception desk. He shook his head at Pam and asked “Did those faxes from corporate come in yet?”

Pam looked up at him for a blink of a moment and then glanced over at Andy who was studying the invisible menu. Turning back to Jim she said with a tight smile. “Nope, no faxes. I believe they were going to email the results, actually.”

“Right,” Jim said. “Well, I’ll go get a cup of coffee while I wait. Did you want anything?”

“Nope, I’m good,” she said. He could hear her typing furiously as he walked away. He almost felt like smiling.

He returned to his desk when he saw Andy wander into Michael’s office. He opened his Email and there was the message from her.

The rest of her message described some awful thing Michael had said while she was taking dictation earlier.

He responded to the Michael stuff and ended with:

Hey, I had to FIGHT to get that name. In our secret boys’ only club, all the members have nicknames. I can’t tell you more because you’re a GIRL! 

With lightning speed she replied.

If you tell me who’s in your secret club, I’ll tell you who’s in my secret girls-only pillow-fighting club.   

He pondered that one for a minute.

Okay, it’s me, Andy, Kevin, Dwight, and Michael but don’t tell them I told you because they’ll just deny it. So who’s in the pillow club? 

He was disappointed when Michael called her into his office to quiz her on ideas for what to do for Jan’s birthday.

Finally, finally:

Official card carrying members of P.I.L.L.O.W. are: Taffy, Bitsy, Bunny, Lulu, Jeeves, Rizzy, and of course, me. How did you get stuck with the lame-o nickname “Tuna”? 

He snorted and glanced over at reception. She was studiously staring at her screen. He could tell she was trying not to smile.

You call “Tuna”  lame when you’ve got pillowmates named Jeeves and Rizzy?  

He turned to see her response and found she was already looking at him with one eyebrow raised. He turned three shades of pink. Maybe he had gone too far.

“Tuna”  IS lame.  I willingly say that it is the LAMEST nickname I have ever heard. Granted I have not heard Andy, Kevin, Dwight, or Michael’s secret club nicknames. Maybe their names are “Mayonnaise”, “Caramel Corn”, “Jujube Joe”, and “Mr. Happy Suspenders”. If so then they are EQUALLY lame...Tuna.

Jeeves and Rizzy are awesomely cool and if you have issues with that, Halpert, I’ll just say my secret club can take on your secret club any day of the week! Blindfolded. 

Jim read and reread the paragraph. Delicate work was required and lunch started in fifteen minutes. He sent one last email before heading out the door with Karen.

Okay, you win. You’re totally right. I’ve been trying to get out of this two-bit club for weeks now. I hate being the “Tuna”. I’m trying to get Toby to join so he can become the “Tuna”.  If you can think of a way for me to get out of the secret boy’s club, I’d totally be willing to join your pillow club and be the mascot. Did Michael tell you our nicknames? Because other than “Jujube Joe” you’ve got them all correct. Dwight’s nickname is actually “Turnip Ted”. 

When Jim returned, Pam was still at lunch but there was an email waiting.

If you hate “Tuna” so much why don’t you just get him to stop calling you that.  No boys allowed in the Pillow Club, especially ones who've got the name "Tuna". Shouldn’t Dwight’s nickname have the word “Beet” in it?

Jim sighed and replied. He’d really hoped to be asked to join P.I.L.L.O.W.

Hey…why didn’t I think of that. I’ll just ask Psycho Andy to stop calling me “Big Tuna” because I don’t like it. Yeah…I’ll do that right now. Can you just call 911 first so I can go straight onto the stretcher? Dwight’s nickname doesn’t have the word “Beet” in it because it’s a SECRET club with SECRET nicknames. Half of Scranton calls him Kiss My Beets to his face. 

He watched as she returned to her desk and opened her email. She glanced over at him and started typing. He made sure Karen wasn’t watching. She'd been suspicious of everything he’d done lately. Thank God for Email.

Chicken! I could get Andy to stop calling you “Tuna” by the end of the day and he’d make the decision himself. So there, Halpert! Poor little Dwight. That’s not nice; the only people who should call him Kiss My Beets are his co-workers. They’ve earned the right. 

He stared at the screen for several minutes, all thought of work forgotten.

Oh, you think it’s that simple, do you? I’m not even sure Andy knows my real name.  I’m just saying... once a guy’s settled on a nickname, it’s like glue. I understand Dwight introduces himself as “Kiss My Beets” to strangers on the street.  

Her reply was unexpected.

Well, it’s a bet then. I bet I can get Andy to stop calling you ‘Tuna’, ‘Big Tuna’ ‘fill in the blank Tuna’ forever by 5 pm today. What do I get if I win? 

After numerous attempts at a reply with many backspacings, deletings, and erasings, Jim finally replied.

Uh…what do you want? You can have anything. What do I get if you lose? 

He listened as Pam answered several phone calls. The wait was unbearable. But finally…

I get to set the terms? Excellent. If I win, you have to pull the prank of my choice on the person of my choice. If I lose, I will be your slave for a day. Don’t worry, I won’t lose.