“Hey, Pam. You have a nice singing voice.” Phyllis said to her as they walked back inside from the bird funeral.
Pam nodded, and swung her head around to Jim's desk to give him a look. Before she could realize her mistake, Michael called her into this office to talk more about how the bird will be missed.
Later, driving home, she thought how out of character it was for her to sing like that. She had been sincere while giving her eulogy to... Michael. But when Dwight started playing his flute she felt the urge to be silly. By herself.
Jim had always been the one to initiate all the pranks on Dwight. Or the first one to make a joke, or act goofy. He always brought that out in her, which is why she didn't always dread coming to work every day.
She found she was really sick of being boring all the time. Maybe she could still do those things. She didn't really need Jim to bring that out in her, she could do it herself.
..........
“Uh, hey”. Jim said after Pam answered the phone.
“Oh, my God.” Pam couldn't help but reply.
They exchanged 'hi's' once more before Jim explained he was phoning to talk to Kevin about fantasy football.
Pam couldn't think of anything to say, so she told him about Jan making her keep a log of what Michael had done all day. When he said “Wow” the way he used to, she felt her stomach jump about a hundred feet.
There was a silence then that stretched on for what seemed like hours. Pam felt hot and embarrassed. She hadn't called Jim for months and hadn't expected to have to talk to him out of nowhere. She sat down, feeling a bit dizzy.
“What's up?” Jim asked, his voice buzzing in her ear like a reminder of where she was. She thought he sounded different.
“Nothing. What time is it there?” Pam asked without thinking.
Then it turned into a long conversation about nothing, but Pam thought she hadn't smiled that much in months.
She found herself trying to find the most interesting parts of her life since her left to share with him, which there weren't much of. When he responded, she could barely comprehend what he'd said, all she could do is close her eyes and listen to the sound of his deep voice. She never realized how much she missed hearing it. But it was nice just to talk to him, it almost felt like old times.
Suddenly, the conversation stopped. Another long pause, and she heard Jim clear his throat.
“Um, how come you haven't called me in a while?” He asked, his voice sounding off.
Pam felt guilty then, and didn't know what to say. “Well, I've been busy. I mean, you stopped calling me.” She then thought that sounded wrong.
“Well, after about ten messages unanswered I kinda got the hint.” She can hear the bitterness in his voice.
He's never sounded that way to her before. She suddenly felt panicked. All she could think is she would be miserable if he hated her.
“Jim, I'm..sorry. I'll call you this weekend, if you want.” Just then she looked up to see Ryan and Dwight walk in. Dwight had what looked like water all over his shirt and Ryan just looked confused. She raised an eyebrow and asked Ryan if he was okay.
He didn't answer so she decided she didn't care anyway and said goodbye.
“Oh, yeah. I should get going.” Jim said.
“Oh, no, I didn't- You have to go?” Pam replied, her voice cracking a bit.
“Yeah.” He said, and after that another long pause followed. “You know, call me when you're not so busy with your fancy new life.” She thought he meant it jokingly, but she could feel the hurt underneath the words. “Bye, Pam.”
Her heart started aching then. She waited three more seconds to reply. “Bye, Jim.” Then the harsh echo of the dial tone rang in her ear and she put the phone back on the receiver.
Her eyes watered as she looked over at Jim's old empty desk. Her mind's eye saw flashes of every time he had gotten up and walked over to her, a big smile on his face. Or how he would look up out of nowhere from his work, that look of fun in his eyes.
She saw him walking into the office, taking off his coat and hanging it up beside her. She saw his eyebrows raise, as if to say “What can we do today?” She saw his annoyed grimace every time Michael would walk up behind him.
She thought she could feel the heat radiating from his body from when they would walk out together. The brush of his hand accidentally touching hers before they parted to their cars.
She thought of the last time they hugged, when he told her he was leaving. His strong arms wrapped around her, and the tickle of his hair against her cheek.
The tears spilled over onto her cheeks when she realized the real reason she had called off the wedding, and that one simple phone call had made her feel so lonely for one person.
She felt like calling him back, and telling him the reason she hadn't called him was because she couldn't bear to deal with the fact that he was gone, and that she felt so empty without him. How she had just wanted to try and ignore the way she felt and just forget him.
But as she wiped her tears, taking one last look at the empty desk behind her and walking out the door, she knew she would never be able to forget the way he made her feel.
.............
Pam had tried. She had tried to put on a smile and dance. Even though she felt like hell, she tried to put it out of her mind and pretend to be okay.
But then she had tried to call Jim and he hadn't answered, and the feeling in her stomach told her he didn't want to talk to her. Her mind flashed to a conversation they had months ago, and she thought of the girl he had mentioned, Karen. She wondered if he was out with her.
She sat at the little round table with a brightly colored tablecloth over it, staring at the happy couples laughing and dancing. Making herself ignore the thought that Jim was happy with someone else at that moment, she took a drink from her cup of soda. Her phone was still in her hand, and every now and then she'd look at the display.
Kelly sat down across from her, a huge smile on her face. “So, are you glad you came?”
Pam nodded encouragingly, trying to look sincere. She glanced down once more at her phone.
Kelly frowned. “You liar. You look like crap.”
Kelly rolled her eyes when she saw the look of dismay on Pam's face. “You know what I mean. What's wrong?”
“Nothing, I told you I just wasn't feeling good today.” Pam sat up straighter, pulling at her shirt.
“You miss Jim, don't you?” Kelly said, a small smile on her face.
Pam just sighed, exasperated. “Even Michael picked up on it. Is it that obvious?” Kelly answered with a long nod, and Pam sighed again. “We were good friends, that's all.”
Kelly rolled her eyes again. “C'mon, Pam, we're girlfriends. You can tell me. You were having an affair, right?”
Pam's eyes almost bugged out of her head. “What? No! Kelly, please. That's not true. Don't... Just, don't okay?”
“It's okay. You can trust me, Pam.” Kelly patted her knee and suddenly Pam did want to tell her something. She would have told anyone at that point, just to be able to voice it.
“I... do like him though. I mean, I think I have feelings for him.” Pam felt the tears welling in her eyes again, and she couldn't believe she was confiding in the office gossip at a Diwali celebration. She could see Michael out of the corner of her eye. He was trying to pick up Carol and she was slapping his hands away.
Kelly's face was glowing with glee. “Oh my God, Pam! That's so awesome! I mean, unrequited love turned to real love! You met at some boring job, and maybe you guys can go off and have exotic adventures and write books-”
Pam tried to tune her out, but her ears picked up on something Kelly had said. “Wait, unrequited love? You didn't know I liked him until now.”
Kelly looked pained then. “Um, yeah, well. That's what I meant though. Bye, Pam!” She stood up and rushed away, grabbing Ryan on the way outside.
Later, while she drove Michael home, as he snored softly in the backseat, she couldn't keep her mind off unrequited love and exactly what that meant.
katrina87 is the author of 14 other stories.
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