Dear friend,

There are a lot of things I’ve been meaning to tell you but every time I look into your face I hesitate and stumble back into submission. This is my confession, unguarded and no longer prevented by those eyes and lips that once touched mine. We were friends for years and though I never said it, that meant more to me than anything else in my sad life. When you walked in I’d greet you with a smile and my heart would beat a little faster. On the few days in the past three years you missed I was inconsolable and struggled through the hours of monotony though no one ever caught on. The next day I was all the more excited to see you though I tried to hide my desperation in your absence. Some how this place was bearable with you around, not even just that, it was the highlight of my life. Though we would all cheer when the week was up and grumble when Monday rolled in, I could sometimes hardly bear the weekends since I didn’t get to spend eight hours everyday with you. We talked a few times and hung out even less on those free days yet I wish it would have been each day. You were the most important thing in my life and though I convinced myself that when I called you my best friend I was being truthful and I was but not completely. It was because of him that I never let myself believe that it was more though when I laid in his arms at night I often wondered how it would feel if they were your arms, your breath on my neck, your body against mine, you instead of him. Whenever I realized my thoughts I just wrote them off as crazy dreaming that people have about those they spend so much time together as we did but I knew it was more than that. I knew that for sure the first day I saw you with her and I grew more green inside than I had ever been when I’d seen him talk to other girls or even flirt as you were with her, but then I realized she wasn’t your type and it wouldn’t last, I kissed him hard and falsely wished you both luck. When you broke up I consoled you and questioned why but I was grinning so hard behind my face of concern I was surprised you didn’t catch on. But I was still with him and it looked like we were closer than ever so I can’t really blame you, despite how much I wanted you to catch me in my lie. That night… damn, that night in the parking lot you told me you felt the same though you didn’t know my feelings, the night you told me straight out you loved me and I saw in your eyes you did and you did as much as I did, I almost flew off into ecstasy, but as I was about to jump into your arms I rubbed my ring finger and I once again hid behind our friendship. "I can’t," was all I could say and was the most honest answer I could give you for its not that I didn’t want to but I was unable to give myself to you, give myself you. As you walked away with tears in your eyes, I ran after you in my mind as I stood their in shock. I didn’t know what to do. My dream had come true but I couldn’t bring myself to accept it. I was so scared of what would happen if I let myself. I wanted to collapse to the ground and dream that I would have just ran off with you but I was still so confused of what to do and what I truly wanted that I had to talk to someone. Usually I would have talked to you but you were the one subject I never could speak to you about so I called the only other person that knew me more than you, knew me more than I knew myself. She was the person who brought me into this world and was the only one who knew that world was you. She had told me before I loved you and more than as a friend but I shrugged it off because of him and she pretended to accept that but neither of us really did. As I leaned against your desk and cried into the phone we were trying to figure out what happened though we both knew as we had for sometime in denial but before she could convince me it would be alright to let it happen, you walked in and I told her I’d call her back. Maybe a few more minutes talking with her, she could have convinced me to go with it, with my dreams, my hopes, my heart… with you. But you walked in and like many of my daydreams and nightly fantasies you took me into your arms and kissed me. You kissed me for what seemed like hours, our epic kiss so engrossed with passion we are lucky the room didn’t set ablaze like the day the temp had started the fire. As you finally pulled your lips away from mine, I couldn’t have been happier and as you took my hands exclaiming how long had you been waiting to do that I let myself agree. As you went in for more, for some reason I couldn’t let myself. The reason was him and we both knew it and you asked me if I was still going to marry him and with a sigh and a broken heart I said yes. You dropped my hands and left for three months. The longest months of my life. The strongest months of my life though because I didn’t marry him. I wouldn’t let on why, though she knew and I hoped you would too but when you finally came back you had a new girl for the first time in 9 years that I didn’t have him. When I was ready to be yours. I want to be yours. I am yours. I’ve always been even when I was wearing his ring and in his arms. I just needed to tell you all this, just once.

I love you,

Your friend

P.S. I’m sorry I’m too weak to ever give this to you.