The fist time we had kissed, really kissed, was in the dim space where we worked and spent eight hours a day, the place that smelled like office supplies, and computers; like floor cleaner, and coffee, and Phyllis's "expensive" perfume from Bob Vance: Vance Refrigeration. That night, the office had been dark, except for a few glowing desk lamps, and the blue haze of my computer monitor. You had been glowing, too. And not just from the way the dim light bounced off your iridescent dress.

The second time we kissed, the atmosphere was much the same. Dark, quiet, familiar-smelling office, alive here and there with little lights and blue screensavers:

I came in long after the cleaning crew had left for the night because I'd forgotten my iPod in my desk drawer- there were some songs I'd needed to add to it before the next day. One song, in particular, I had wanted to play for you forever, since right after I'd left for Stamford, and I finally decided that the next day, I wanted and needed for you to hear this song that defined, accented, and punctuated my life for the past eight months. This song was the musical embodiment of you, but I hadn't decided if I would share that fact with you yet; I just needed for you to hear the song.

As I walked in the office that night, I decided not to turn on the harsh overhead lights. I could see just fine in the dim light thrown by computer monitors, and tiny lights from power strips underneath desks and the display screen on the copier. And to tell you the truth, I kind of wanted to relive the mood of that moment when I first kissed you in that dim office a lifetime ago. It's not like I didn't think about it all the time anyway, but being there at the scene of the crime, in the same setting with the lights off and the silence that is never experienced during normal working hours made my memories more vivid than ever, and when I saw you there at my desk- my new desk where I now have to sit with my back to you every day, I thought I had conjured you up.

You sat in my chair with your back to me, earbuds in your ears, and you were drawing. My desk was only lit up by a blue glow, but I looked over your shoulder and saw your delicate hand holding a thin pencil that moved gracefully over a small, folded piece of card-stock. At first, I couldn't quite make out the picture you were rendering, as I was a few feet away, and it was so dim, and your hand covered part of it as you drew. But then I realized, it was us; us on that night that I remember with so much fondness and pain all at the same time, when we'd embraced with so much love, but ended the moment with so much sadness. In the drawing, there was my old desk, with all my little desk things- my lamp, picture frame, computer, and there we were, the two of us, leaned against it in such a perfect embrace that I could practically feel you in my arms again.

And then I had to look away for a moment, compose myself, and that's when I noticed that you were listening to an iPod- my iPod. Yours is a non-iPod that Roy had given you for Christmas, but at that moment, you were sitting here in the twilight-lit office, at my desk, listening to my music, drawing one of our most emotion-filled moments we'd ever experienced together- making it tangible; a beautiful piece of art, and I was overwhelmed and you became blurry through the layer of tears in my eyes. The office looked like a dark city through a rain-drenched windshield, as all of the small lights scattered around the office became wavy and abstract.

I moved forward, then, to lean back on my desk, facing you, and you jumped, and I almost laughed at the way you pulled the earbuds from your ears, and raised your hand to attack me before you realized who I was. And then, despite the lack of light, I saw you blush as you quickly covered up your drawing with both hands, apologized for using up the battery in my iPod.

I just sat there, my head tilted to the side, and asked what you were drawing, and then you flicked your eyes away from mine quickly, and simply said that you were drawing a Valentine's Day card for a friend, and you hesitated and gave me a subtle look when you said 'friend', and said that your house had the wrong mood that night for drawing, and that you came here, and the lights were off and you didn't want to turn them back on and use up electricity, and that your computer was off, but mine wasn't so you just sat down at my desk to use the light of my monitor to draw by, and then realized that you hadn't brought your non-iPod with you for music, so you decided to check if mine was still in my desk, and it was, and I couldn't help but smile at your ramble, and reach out and grasp your arm, sliding my hand down until my fingers were gliding against the insanely soft skin at the inside of your wrist and the words died on your lips, and you stopped breathing, and your eyes were huge, bright, and unguarded.

All I had to do was give your arm a little tug and you were standing up and in my arms and all I could hear was the sound of my heart in my ears, and your fingers on my scalp, and then the soft wet sounds of lips moving on lips, and we were kissing, this time with me leaning against my desk, and you leaning into me, and it felt like falling, but safely falling, like our landing would be soft and perfect, and I wasn't afraid at all this time, just happy and so, so in love, and you made some quiet sounds in your throat that drove me crazy and brought tears to my eyes at the same time because I knew this was real. Not just real, as in it-exists real, but real as in you-loved-me-too real.

And when you pulled away, you were smiling, and your eyes were shining, and you leaned over me just a bit to pick up the turned-over drawing on my desk, and you looked at me and said, "Happy Valentine's Day, Jim", even though it was just the beginning of February, and you held the card out to me- the card with the drawing of our first real kiss on it, and I took it and stared at it forever until my eyes started to get blurry again, and you opened it to show me the inside, where you'd already written the note:

Jim,
I've loved you forever.
Love, Pam

And I know my chin started trembling right there in front of you, and a tear slipped from my eye, and I felt so embarrassed, but I was so overwhelmed, and you just wrapped your arms around me until I whispered that I'll always love you. And all the little green and blue LED's around the dark office looked like fireflies around us through my tears.