A story of how Pam established her own Christmas tradition.
Written for 2020 Secret Santa Fic exchange.
1 Dernhelm this is lovely! This part in particular really spoke to me, and you can feel the emptiness and pain she is feeling: "She repeated her usual celebration pattern like a broken record but felt none of the Christmas spirit; all the cheers and sparkles couldn’t fill the void in her chest. At the end of the party, she was the one who stayed to clean up and take off the decorations. The Christmas lights were off when she stepped to the tree and took one of the ornaments in her hand. It laid on her palm, so tiny and fragile, and Pam wanted so badly to smash it into the dust. She wondered detachedly if the pain in her fingertips could muffle this emptiness inside of her body."
Beautifully done!
Author's Response: Awww, thank you so much, Bored! I had my doubts about this part in the story (it felt a little too ansty and, maybe, should have been included in a separate story), but I'm glad I left it :)
1 “Keep it up. See what happens.”
I'm sorry, but what gives you the right?
I think we've all been anxiously awaiting rope daddy and I'm so glad AG pressed you to do it and I'm so glad you decided to give us all this Christmas gift. I absolutely love every part of it, BT.
1 I really, really enjoyed this! It was fun, the characterizations felt real and the texts were spot on. I was smiling the entire time and the ending was absolutely delightful and perfect. It's clear you put tremendous thought into this. I love it. Well done!
Author's Response: Thank you so much! You are far too kind, and I'm really glad this felt true to you - I really wanted to make this come off as a canon Pam-specific reaction to this pretty bizarre situation. This one was definitely a labor of love, and I'm glad the love came through with the labor. :) Appreciate you taking the time to review.
This is what happens when you watch approximately 17,000 Hallmark-y Christmas movies...
It's a Season 3 Christmas with one tiny difference: The Merger has not taken place.
1 Jenna! This is fantastic and made my rather boring, sad New Years in lockdown much, MUCH brighter.
I love the idea of all of them, and particularly Michael, caring about her enough to help. There's so much I love about angsty sad Pam, as you know, but I will share a few faves:
"She blinked slowly and carefully. By the third squeeze, the hurt in her eyes had eased ever so slightly. She took a deep breath before clicking her mouse and seeming to return to the present. "--This is so well written. I can feel her barely keeping it together.
"She wasn’t tearing up every time there was some reminder of him at work anymore. That was progress, right?" - oh, Pam
"Dwight’s obvious sympathy felt like a new low." Oh man, it hurts.
But this, THIS is may favorite of the chapter: "Joy was a double edged sword. Anything that made her smile in the office instantly brought her sorrow because she no longer had the person she most wanted to share her moments with. The kicker was that it was all her fault. She could have had him. She’d ruined it. And now she had to live with the deeply depressing consequences."
This is beautiful and gut-wrenching and I love it! I know it has been a rough few months for you and I dearly hope 2021 brings you great things, friend. :)
Author's Response: You are one of my great things of 2020, so it really wasn’t all bad! Thanks for putting up with me as I redirected all my creative energy into incessantly ranting about the injustice of it all.
The Snoopy mug origin story...
Pam and Jim spend their first New Year's together babysitting.
As the year 2007 ends, Pam's got to face her fears of interacting with children.
1 This is super cute and I really enjoyed it! Also, I wholly appreciate them watching Grey’s Anatomy together. I like that you are addressing Pam’s hesitancy with children. Not many people mention that. Great job!
Author's Response:
I always thought about why Pam was so apprehensive around kids when she'd been dealing with a bunch of big kids for years - so I made a little back story.
Plus there was a scene with her, Jim and Michael later in season 4 when Michael gets gum in his hair and Pam seems so confident and motherly telling him about the peanut butter, and we never see any apprehension when she becomes pregnant or when's she's a new mother. In my mind something had to move the needle from the Pam in Take Your Daughter to Work Day to Mama Pam- this story is my way of getting her there.
Thanks so much for letting me know you enjoy it. It's really nice to hear.
1 This is beautiful and really captures the conflicting emotions of that time for her.
I hate that you are not feeling well. I wish you a speedy recovery!
Author's Response: Thank you so much, Bored! I hope for the best :)
1 I LOVE the concept of this and you are incredibly talented at poetry. I’m looking forward to the rest of these. :)
Author's Response: Thank you so much, Bored! I didn't expect that I could write poetry at all and I truly appreciate your kindness!
1 OH oh
THIS is my favorite so far. Just stunning.
Author's Response: Thank you, Bored, I appreciate it so much!
Love this one. I always loved how she was the only one NOT to name him and yet was the only one who really could.
Author's Response: Thank you so much, Bored! I'm glad you enjoyed this vignette :)
A beautiful ending to a wondrous journey! This is quite an accomplishment and you should be very proud, Dernhelm.
Author's Response: Thank you, Bored! I'm used to criticizing my own works, but I really like how this one turned out :)
“We just... we never got the timing right, you know? I shot him down and then he did the same to me, but you know what? It's okay.”
Jim and Pam turn each other down a couple more times before finally getting together. Set after Casino Night until The Return.
1 Aly. ALY. This is delightful in every way. I was so drawn in and couldn’t stop reading until the very last word. So fantastically done!
1 This is a fantastic start! This is super cute. Welcome to MTT and to writing! I got my start here too and this is a wonderful, supportive crowd to help you along the way. I can't wait to see more of this story!
Author's Response: Thank you for your review! I must admit, I was very nervous to post here but I was definitely overthinking things. Hopefully, writer's block won't get to me and I can update this soon.
119 
We came back stronger than a 90's trend
1 Okay so, I knew this was going to be good. I just didn't know exactly *how* good. BT, this song is all sorts of pain and you conveyed that beautifully. I can't imagine it being done any better than this.
"Karen had fixed him. She’d picked up the shredded pieces that Pam had left in the parking lot and put them back together." I- this is just perfect.
"It was like she was King Midas, except everything she touched turned to shit." - You are like the queen of taking lyrics and turning them so perfectly into prose.
Then the ending. THE ENDING.
I just love this so much. I love this Pam. I feel her in my bones and thank you for writing this.
1 Sprinkles, the concept of this is just so brilliant and clever! And with this song? Perfection.
The visual of women throwing bras at Jim is just delightful, I must say. Thank you for that. I love them hiding from fans, escaping to some empty room, and confessing it all. Such a beautiful job with this!
Author's Response:
Thank you! Given your extreme writing skills, I'm taking this review as a huge compliment.
And yes, as Dwight says, some of the more simple-minded fans just couldn't resist throwing their bras at Jim.
Thank you for your kind words.
1 Okay, listen. You know how I feel about this but I feel like I need to go over it some more. I will refrain from copy/pasting the entire thing but just barely.
“I wasn’t asking if you were anything,” she clarified quickly. She smirked. “I was just asking if she liked it.”
“She hates it.”
Pam rolled her eyes. “She would.” She ran her thumb across his jaw and studied him carefully. “I like it.” Her eyes focused on his mouth for a second too long and she blinked those familiar and not quite forgotten thoughts away just as quickly as they were there. “Did you do it to be sexy or because Scranton is so fucking cold in the winter?”
I just…will always love this?
scream-sang an old Alanis Morissette song — also this
“It didn’t even register that he wasn’t grabbing for her, but for the leg of the barstool she was sitting on until he used it to pull her closer to the stool he was sitting on. “ —Just stop.
“What even is motel art?” Their faces were so close together on the pillow they were sharing that she could see him roll his eyes as she told him about the way her snobby classmate constantly put down her artwork for undetermined reasons. He won a third round of thumb wars and grinned, linking the rest of his fingers with hers. “He sounds like a prick. Invite me to your next exhibit and see if he says anything with me standing there.” —This is why Weekend Jim is my new favorite thing.
“how many times can she get bored and fall onto your dick again?” This. Entire. Conversation.
grey sweatpants - I love you for this visual that will be forever burned into my brain.
Kitchen items flying at smoke detectors — you know how I feel about this issue. Please also never stop.
““Sometimes I regret not going with you.” His arms tightened around her with one breath and relaxed with the next.” —Kill me now.
““Pam.” He looked at the ceiling and then back at her. “Do you really want me to say it?”
Oh. “No,” she said quickly and quietly. “I don’t.”” — Why do you hate me?
“Call it even?” — No, seriously. Why do you do this to me?
I’ve read this at least four (5? 6?) times now and every time I find some other little nuanced detail I love more than the last one. Coley, this is perfect.
This is 1000% the most perfect interpretation and application of this song. It is so hauntingly beautiful and incredibly accurate and an absolutely flawless telling of the abusive Roy storyline. It’s the kind of story that sits with you and you have to process it but in the end it feels organic and real. You did an amazing with this AG!
You know my thoughts already but I would like to highlight the ways you made my Wednesday infinitely better:
Wine tasting in Carbondale. The audacity.
Gorgeous and unruly dark hair popping into the room and then this "Jealousy looks really good on the already handsome detective. Almost as good as the rolled-up sleeves of the button-down he’s still wearing despite the late hour of the day."
Cookies and Cocoa for Christ Christmas Party
Emily Blunt and 'that weird indie movie that everyone thought was going to give her some sort of legitimate actress cred' followed closely by her co-star that she made out with that is in all those dirty book movies
Danny
Danny and tequila
Danny and tequila and Karen
Mevin Kalone
the entire Epilogue
Anyway, this was perfection and I'm sure I'll be back later with more delightful parts I adore after I reread it a dozen more times.
Ok this is the first chance I’ve had to sit down and read this since you posted and all I have to say is…you understood the assignment. Oh my God did you ever.
Your writing is always this perfect blend of understated realistic romance wrapped in these tragic, beautiful undertones of desire and it all makes for the most masterful stories that haunt you for days.
And the way you took this song and spun it to work for these two idiots is just genius.
“Dammit, she thinks, annoyed that she lost this game of chicken they are both silently engaging”— I seriously love this.
“I almost did, you know?” —omg you are so good at this, this thing you do where you have Jim say these one liners that make me set down my phone and stare off into the distance for ten minutes.
“The beautiful thing about summer evenings in this part of Manhattan is that it really is like the movies. You can let your steps take a wandering aimlessness that wraps you in a secluded cocoon of your own moment. The city seems to slow its pace, deeply attuned to the inhabitants who are desperate for a reprieve from the grueling aspects of urban living.” — Absolute perfection. That’s all.
“Time is a funny thing. The way it can hold you in its palm, make all of your senses keenly aware of their surroundings - the driver shouting at Jim, Jim staring at her with an intensity that rivals the neediness in the way her name falls so simply from his lips, the smell of tires on hot asphalt - without really knowing exactly what’s happening in the moment. “ —Can you please show me how to write like this? Please. I’ll pay even.
Uuuugh it’s sooooo good DC.
So. Good.
(And I *hate* that I have no more jellybeans.)
Sprinkles!
This is one of my favorite songs on the album (shocking, I'm sure) so I was so excited to see where you would take it.
There were so many layers to season 9 and I always felt was an honest look at a very adult relationship, which is never perfect. You did such a good job at capturing that. Like this line "She was just so angry at him all the time now. Not in a yelling, slamming doors kind of way. It was the snippy comments, and the sighing, and sarcastic way she talked to him about Athlead. It felt like there was nothing he could do to make her happy." Such a simple, succinct way of encapsulating that.
LOVE that whole flashback to the time period after they started dating and oh My God even though I knew it was coming lyrically, I gasped when he almost got hit. It was such a clever way to jolt them both and put it all into perspective.
And of course, the hotel room was perfect. I would expect nothing less. ;)
I'm kicking myself for not getting to reading this sooner! First of all, I love stories that hurt me, that leave me staring off into space and make me want to read them again instantly so I can feel the burn one more time. This is one of those painful stories (in the best of ways). One of the things I noticed right away was how you wove, so expertly, the lyrics of this haunting song into the words. So well done.
This line got to me: "And that’s probably what does it, she thinks, when she’s laying in bed later and replaying every second of what happens next."
and then you absolutely murdered me with: "She doesn’t look back as she leaves because she can’t stand to know whether or not he watches her."
Ughhh BT this was amazing.
Never apologize for angst. :) I love this little insight into Toby. I’ve always found him rather intriguing in that he was always there but never noticed and of course he never had a chance with her but that didn’t stop his obsession.
Author's Response: Haha, thank you! That's so great to hear :) And yes - I was always fascinated by Toby too. I thinks he's underrated. Thanks so much for taking the time to review!
1 Listen, I have a soft spot for pining Jim and ooh, WW, this is just really, really good.
“But the thing he would miss the most, was also the thing that was pushing him 150 miles away from everything he knew, and that seemed to be the hardest truth to grapple with.” Why hello, insightful Jim.
“He wanted to press pause on it all and soak up the glimmer in her eyes and the way her hair caught the light and how she managed to make him feel like it was just the two of them in a crowded room. “ I love this so much.
The whole dress thing? Adorable.
This was so good and I love the twist at the end!
Beth the waitress returns!
A series of stand alone, slice of life, one-shots in Pam and Jim's life, all tied together with the thread that runs through them; they all end with dinner at Christopher's, where (in my headcanon) they had their first date.
The first and the last chapter NOW COMPLETE work in tandem, but everything in between is its own story if you want to pop in for one whose title strikes your fancy.
1 Nice book choice.;) I kind of love that it was Oscar that suggested it too. All the little details of the gifts were so adorable and of course, the entire section with Beth was charming as usual. Loved it.
Author's Response:
Thanks Bored - Glad you enjoyed. I was going to have them read it for Finer Things club - but I thought this worked well too.
There were other nods with the gifts and check out candle I just bought (after posting)
<img src="stories/3919/images/IMG_2476.JPG"> But my favorite was that the first jewelry he bought her was the anklet (although technically the first jewelry he buys her is a ring) . A little more personal and private and something only she would know she had on most days. I have fun writing Beth because as you can guess she is loosely based on me - I'm mostly shy but strangely enough also very chatty. Always love to hear from you. Thanks again.
|
1 This is probably my favorite thing you’ve written. I love the entire waking up section and the self reflection of a birthday.
“Of course, without her contacts in, he was still a blur, as was the bouquet of pink puffs that sat atop the dresser behind his body. But even out of focus, she could sense the incandescent smile spread across his face and knew it was peonies that filled the room with the delightful scent that brought to mind memories of their first date.”— this was a fantastic paragraph.
The glitter and the wrong year was so cute and you captured the vibe of the office so well.
“Toby and Oscar gave her Dragonfly in Amber, the second of the Outlander series. She didn’t have the heart to tell them she was already in the middle of the fourth book so instead she thanked them graciously and made a mental note to drop by Barnes and Noble later that week to exchange it for The Fiery Cross. “ — I mean, I love this for a multitude of reasons, and not just because I liked FC more than DA.
“You know it wouldn’t be the worst thing, if you were. In fact, it would be pretty amazing.”— I really really love this aspect of Jim’s personality. Like, a lot.
This was really cute and I enjoyed it immensely. It’s a great addition to this already well done series. Love it!
Author's Response:
Thank you - I knew I was getting the warm fuzzies while it came together and wasn't sure if it was just in my head or my mood. Your saying that is sweet and assuring. I can honestly say that it is the influence of all that I read that has changed how I write. So a big thanks to you, among others.
So I really enjoy writing office antics and I was smiling through the whole middle section.
I'm still a ways from FC but something to look forward to. Betcha Jim is reaping the rewards of Oscar's original suggestion and the reading that followed. Not that they needed help in that department but I'm sure he's not complaining right?
Well, me too. I always loved that Jim had babysat Sasha, did so well with Stacy's kid, and of course I wrote about the relationship with his niece and nephew but nothing would compare to a kid of his own and I think he got a little lost in the idea when Beth brought it up.
So glad you enjoyed - it's always music to hear that.
1 Ah, very timely with the Alex reference. I have often thought that Jim's range of emotions about her life/friends in NY is not nearly explored enough. From what he overheard of Alex's speech to the whole car turn around and 'I am not that guy and we are not that couple'- So much interesting stuff there.
"Sometimes Jim would recline in the papasan chair she brought from her place and watch her work, plying her with silly questions about her techniques and muses until she would throw him out for asking too many and keeping her from her craft." Okay but I really love this visual of him so thank you.
I really love the mention of the creepy clown, and the Valentine's day lunch with Phyllis and Bob- they were both very clever tie-ins. This was a great chapter! :)
Author's Response:
Had I not responded to this - I thought I did.
I agree - not matter how much he deep down knew she was his there is no way he wasn't affected in some way by her having gone off to explore her art (and herself) in NY. Glad you felt it was apt.
Well I loved writing that scene - there was a very specific vision in my head and glad it translated for you.
That clown, I never really got it until I wrote this chapter and then I understood exactly what it was there for (even if it was never intended by the writers). You gotta love Phyllis.
Thanks so much. Your comments mean the world.
