Date: February 11, 2010 11:38 am Title: Chapter 1 Here's That Rainy Day
I get so overly excited when I read first-person Jim (or Pam) and this sounds great. I'm glad you took a chance and tried it. The job hunt is scary and this makes you worry right along with him.
Author's Response: This was my first and so far, only try at 1st person so I'm tickled you liked it.
Date: November 10, 2009 10:40 am Title: Chapter 1 Here's That Rainy Day
Beautifully, beautifully done! You had me scared there for awhile...but it all fell together, perfectly. Great job!
Author's Response: Thanks, Mr. Bill. Is it wrong I'm glad you were scared for a little while? Never fear, Jim and Pam will always fall together in the end. Your comments are very much appreciated, thanks for reading.
10 [Report This]Date: November 05, 2009 05:19 pm Title: Chapter 1 Here's That Rainy Day
wow, this was an amazing final chapter! from the description of the glowing light that morning to almost being denied the job, i was so sad. but then... you have mr. harris pull jim's leg-that was perfect, i was laughing louder than i have in a long time at so many parts in this chapter! i love how the boss's name is michael, great touch!
i think you should continue this story, maybe what happens later, because daniel seems like such a cute baby name and it could be really interesting to read about jim and pam later on. just a thought...
great job, amazing work on this story!
Author's Response: Thanks very much pamelamorganhalpert, for your detailed comments. I don't have any plans to continue at the moment, unless some idea comes to me on where it could go, but I'm chuffed you'd like to hear more. I'm really gald I made you laugh. /a good day.
Date: November 05, 2009 10:29 am Title: Chapter 1 Here's That Rainy Day
jazzfan!! this was great! i'm adding this to my favorites, and will, without a doubt, spend so much time rereading it. this was great. you set up a scene so well -- picturing jim with his hands full of chocolate syrup as his wife holds onto him, tensing up over the speakerphone? and then the fact that he wants to give his son a sibling "right damn now" as he rides the high from getting the job? and pam's so happy and proud of him? oh my god, i loved this story! awesome job.
Author's Response: Hey, that "messy" scene came about because I wanted Jim and Pam to hear the job news together, and this is how I solved the problem. And sticky Jim is never a bad thing. I think he's got his mojo back, too. *wink* Thanks so much for your kind comments, I'm glad you enjoyed OutofWork!Jim.
10 [Report This]Date: November 03, 2009 06:51 am Title: Chapter 1 Here's That Rainy Day
Really enjoying this, poor Jimmycakes :(
Author's Response: Jimmycakes? Bwahahaha. Love it. Thanks, Hannah_Halpert.
Date: November 03, 2009 06:16 am Title: Chapter 1 Here's That Rainy Day
This is a great start. The beginning seems so bleak for Jim. I thought he did a good job in the interview, but I can't really see him selling playground equipment.
Author's Response: I'm curious, why can't you see him selling playground equipment? I tried to think of another sales job he might go for (not that he's picky at this point) and I thought he'd be good with young parents. Yeah, Jim's in a tight spot, but please keep reading. Thanks a bunch for your comments, MyriadProBold.
Date: November 02, 2009 11:38 pm Title: Chapter 1 Here's That Rainy Day
Oh God, this is horribly horribly perfect. This is absolutely Jim in this set of circumstances. This story rings so true for anyone who's ever had to watch where there every penny went. You start having weird thoughts about the care of your shoes and praying that you don't get into an accident because your insurance is crap. God, this is good. SO glad I caught it with a 2nd chapter attached.
First person was the PERFECT choice for this story, btw.
Author's Response: Aw, thanks lovefool. I'm happy you think the first person was the right choice. I mulled it for a good while and decided it was the only way I could really get into his head for the stuff he wasn't going to say outloud. Jim's a good kid, hopefully things will get better?
Date: November 02, 2009 08:31 pm Title: Chapter 1 Here's That Rainy Day
sigh....so sad. but really, really well written, I can feel for Jimbo
Author's Response: Thanks JHalpert. Feel free to give him a hug, I think he needs one.
8 [Report This]Date: October 12, 2009 06:48 pm Title: Chapter 1 Here's That Rainy Day
My brother and son are both out of work due to the economy - this is a very real and sad scenario to me. You've written it so well, truly. Great job with the first person. I'm anxious to read more.
Author's Response: Thanks so much for the feedback, kaystar. Good luck to your brother and your son - hopefully things will get better soon.
10 [Report This]Date: October 06, 2009 01:33 pm Title: Chapter 1 Here's That Rainy Day
Fabulously desciptive and depressingly real.Looking forward to more.
Author's Response: Thanks, albie. I'm trying to keep it real - it's a common problem these days.
10 [Report This]Date: September 30, 2009 06:24 pm Title: Chapter 1 Here's That Rainy Day
The first person sounds natural to me. It's not a topic I've ever seen done before, but you've started it well here and I'm look forward to seeing the rest of the story.
Author's Response: Thanks very much for your feedback, Casinos and Coal Walks. I am relieved to hear that the first person works for you. I was interested in how stress will affect their relationship, and this seemed to be a situation that might actually happen.
Date: September 28, 2009 08:16 pm Title: Chapter 1 Here's That Rainy Day
I like this, jazzy. You've got his voice down really well. His barely concealed desperation in the interview, his reluctance to go home, his worry that something bad might happen. I'll like seeing how they get through this kind of hardship, through Jim's eyes. Good start!
Author's Response: Thanks callisto, I'm very happy to hear that you think it "sounded like" Jim. I wanted to explore the dynamic between these two when the proverbial going gets tough. Your encouragement is much appreciated!
9 [Report This]Date: September 28, 2009 07:57 pm Title: Chapter 1 Here's That Rainy Day
jazzfan, to say that I'm looking forward to the next chapter is an understatement. Your first-person Jim is, for me, right on. What he's thinking, what he's worried about, his inner monologue throughout the first chapter was just pitch-perfect. This story reads a little too real for me but it's because of the bleak setting and situation you painted for our protagonists.
I loved that Jim and Pam had a boy :D and the fact that your story addressed the "for worse" part of the marriage vow. And this quote: "She loves drawing like this. She loved New York. And then – then I proposed." just kills me.
As always, excellent job and I can't wait for the next chapter.
Author's Response: Thanks very much for the detailed review, bkwrm. I'm chuffed that you thought Jim's first person worked, because I was really unsure about it. I wanted to try it on this story because there's so much inner dialogue that goes on in a situation like this that goes unvoiced to the spouse. I was also unsure about the proposal line, but poor Jim is down and out and when that happens, well, you doubt everything. It's interesting trying to write them though this kind of crisis. Thanks again for reading and commenting! (ps - I want them to have a boy on the show, too)
Date: September 26, 2009 04:19 pm Title: Chapter 1 Here's That Rainy Day
Hey there, ole buddy, ole pal! Allow me to gush a little more. Such a fine story. You've got a knack for first person Jim. Your attention to detail is impressive. Sadly, James is going through what many are in this economy. Hard to read because of the subject matter, but totally realistic. You got me, lady. Can't wait for more.
Author's Response: Oh, you're sweet to read these when I know you prefer the happy stuff. But that's coming. Thanks for making this better.
Date: September 26, 2009 03:25 pm Title: Chapter 1 Here's That Rainy Day
I love it! I think you captured Jim very well :)
Author's Response: Thank you katiej! I've found it's tricky as a female to try and write from a male POV, and I'm glad you thought I "got" Jim.
10 [Report This]Date: September 26, 2009 02:19 pm Title: Chapter 1 Here's That Rainy Day
this is really good. very realistic, yes, kind of depressing, but i can tell it will get better. that's why we call them jim and pam right? sorry i'm being so brief, i'm crazy busy all the time! keep going, i can't wait for more!
Author's Response: I appreciate your comments, pamelamorganhalpert. There are better days on the horizon for our down and out couple, but they don't know that yet. Thanks for taking the time to review, I'll get writing.
Date: September 26, 2009 11:02 am Title: Chapter 1 Here's That Rainy Day
This is excellent so far, and dragged me in from the get-go. Poor Jim.
I live in Youngstown, Ohio, and know many families in this same situation, so it's hitting close to home.
Keep it up, can't wait for the next chapter.
Author's Response: Unfortunately there are too many people in this situation right now. I'm glad you got "dragged in" with poor Jimpert, and thanks for reading and reviewing.
10 [Report This]Date: September 26, 2009 09:19 am Title: Chapter 1 Here's That Rainy Day
Wow. This is very realistic and very powerful. My husband and I are in a very similar situation, and it's an incredibly tough thing for a marriage to go through. It's hard but it truly does test you and I can tell you that you've really hit the nail on the head here. The desperation, the frustration, anger. It's all there and you've done a really nice job so far. I cannot wait for more. Well done!
Author's Response: Wow, kells8995, first and foremost I hope things get better for you and your family, and soon. As to my story, it's gratifying to hear I'm getting some of the emotions right, and I appreciate your comments so very much. Thanks, and good luck!
10 [Report This]Date: September 26, 2009 08:13 am Title: Chapter 1 Here's That Rainy Day
You've set such a wonderfully hopeless tone and it's great. Such an interesting idea, that somewhere in the near future the company closes down (and pretty realistic) and how it effects their lives. Really excellent.
Author's Response: Thanks so much SlumDunder - I'm happy to know that I've managed to convey Jim's situation as I had hoped. And what is going to happen to DM, afterall? Your comments are greatly appreciated.
Date: September 26, 2009 07:59 am Title: Chapter 1 Here's That Rainy Day
I normally don't like the depressing stuff but this is too good to pass up. You've painted a wonderful picture of so many families right now. I can't wait for more.
Author's Response: Hang in there, khand3stooges, it's going to get better. Thanks for reading and for your comments!
Date: September 26, 2009 06:20 am Title: Chapter 1 Here's That Rainy Day
well, its kinf of fepressing so far, but i think that ill stick around to see what's coming =]
Author's Response: Thanks for sticking around ilovetoJAM. It's got to get better, right?
Date: September 26, 2009 04:53 am Title: Chapter 1 Here's That Rainy Day
It's always so great when someone starts a WIP that gives you the ooh, I can't wait to read more -feeling. And I’m certainly eager to see where you’re going with this!
Confession: I used to skip first person fics completely, but boy am I glad I got over that stupid practice. First person can be so good when done right. And you certainly don't do it wrong. ;) Couple of examples: "So yeah, Wednesdays and Fridays? Those are my good days."
And:
"And then one day out of the blue, David Wallace walks into the office and announces that Dunder Mifflin has declared bankruptcy, and that it’s the target of an ongoing federal fraud investigation of some sort. We’re all out of jobs as of right then, including David. No severance, no nothing. Not a good day."
Very good, very Jim. All in all, your Jim comes across very realistic and true to the character, and details like that really add to it. Jim in this reminds me a little of my dad when he was unemployed, so that must mean you've nailed the psychological impacts such a situation can have on a caring kind of family man.
One thing I also like is how you've obviously learned the "show, don't tell" -lesson. There's no need to point out that Jim feels powerless and even emasculated, because it's evident in pretty much everything he does. You don't have to spell out the fact that he's completely devoted to his family and would do anything for them, since his thoughts and actions communicate the fact loud and clear.
Great work! And I'm sorry for writing a novel, here...
Author's Response: Please don't apologize for "writing a novel", SyK. This kind of feedback is incredibly helpful for someone like me who's trying to learn to write better. I very much appreciate your taking the time to comment on what worked (or what didn't) and I'm tickled that you liked it. Your comparing Jim to your dad when he was unemployed made my evening. Huge thanks to you.
10 [Report This]Date: September 25, 2009 09:21 pm Title: Chapter 1 Here's That Rainy Day
Jazz, you don't need anyone to be gentle with you on this. You are doing an exceptionally good job writing in the first person. I think this is one of the strongest pieces I've seen you produce. You include terrific details; I feel like I'm sitting right with Jim on his interview and miserable trip home. You can feel his quiet desperation. I think you do a terrific job of obliquely illustrating the hit this unemployment is to Jim's manhood. The fact that he's low enough that using WD40 on a squeaky door has to suffice as an accomplishment ... well, that's pretty damn depressing.
The close just kills me:
I can hear the smile in Pam’s voice as she says, “It’s just you and me tonight, mister,” and a little part of me wants to die. She’s hoping for a celebration.
Wow. I can't wait to get my hands on the next chapter! It's so cool to get to see it first!
Author's Response: Aw, VB, you're too kind. You know how much I appreciate your reading this stuff and that my stories improve a billion percent after your comments. Thanks again for the encouragement, and for your time.
Date: September 25, 2009 05:39 pm Title: Chapter 1 Here's That Rainy Day
um, I love this. I didn't think I would, but I do. Please update soon!
Author's Response: Thanks for giving it a shot. I know everybody is excited about "happy" right now (and so am I) but I kept wondering what would happen to Dunder Mifflin as the branches keep getting closed, and this scenario kept coming to mind. I'll get writing - I don't plan a long fic here at all. Thanks again!
Date: September 25, 2009 05:29 pm Title: Chapter 1 Here's That Rainy Day
Definitely keep going! I want to see what happends. Good job so far!
Author's Response: Thanks Dedeen, I really appreciate the feedback. The first person has been an interesting trial for me so I'm glad to hear it's readable.