8 [Report This]Date: November 28, 2006 12:31 pm Title: Chapter 1
Interesting take with Karen and Ryan! They seem like they could be compatible and of course, preferable to Jim and Karen ending up together. One thing - you might want to fix the formatting to put some spaces between paragraphs. Kinda hard for an old gal like me to read!
7 [Report This]Date: November 25, 2006 12:38 pm Title: Chapter 1
Nice work, anwyn19! Glad you posted. You seem to have a good handle on Karen's perspective here. In a few places, the "she"s are confusing (is it Pam or Karen?) - have a look at those. Otherwise, I think you're on a good track here. Look forward to your next post!
Author's Response:
Thanks for the review! I love your fic, so it means a lot. :)
I have difficulty with pronouns. My AP English teacher never fails to remind me that the Devil created them on the sixth day. I definitely keep his words and yours in mind in my next post. :)
Date: November 25, 2006 12:58 am Title: Chapter 1
Ha! Nice surprise ending there.
Good story. I really liked this line: He seemed detached enough to be sensible. And this -- At least he had some manners -- made me giggle.
I like your characterizations of Jim and Karen. Ryan is nice and openly sleazy, as well. I like how he shows his true colors at the end.
As far as constructive criticism, this line felt a bit like telling rather than showing: There was definitely something else going on here.
Keep writing!
Author's Response:
Thanks so much! I tried to get Karen right-ish, but wasn't sure I succeeded.
Ah, yes, showing vs telling. I'll definitely keep that in mind in my next fic. Thanks for the suggestion!