AN: Okay—it’s super early, but I was in a desperate need for some JAM fluff, and it’s always been my opinion that denial is the greatest defense mechanism out there.
“Are you okay?”
She’s sitting in the car, looking sullen and down like she’s being driven to her grave. Fancy New Beesley is feeling regretful for this whimsical move she made. It was an impulsive move to go with him, and the second she breezed past him like he was nothing; she felt the guilt in her stomach.
She was settling. She wasn’t standing up, or fighting like Fancy New Beesley should be doing. She was sitting, in a car, going home with a man she didn’t really want to be going home with. She was settling, just like Old Beesley would.
Make up a lie. She tells herself millions of lies to tell. Just smile like you mean it. No, that sounds like a song. Just nod, you can do that. You can’t tell him the truth; you couldn’t even do that when he asked you if you wanted to leave.
She’s shaking her head. He’s waiting for a verbal response, so he turns to see her shaking her head. Tears are welling up in her eyes like the night she told him she couldn’t marry him. Her chin brushes her shoulder as she continues to look depressed and remorseful. He feels a punch in his gut; this was not what he was expecting.
She looked so happy when he asked her to dance. She tightened her grip on his hands when she pressed her body closer to the music. She smiled at him like she was still in love with him, and he knew that it was totally worth the twenty dollars. But now she’s shaking her head, which means everything isn’t okay.
He pulls over to the side of the empty street. The truck slowly goes from normal speed to a halt. He takes his eyes off the road, and lays them on her. She is so beautiful, but she’s so miserable its hard to see it. He just sighs, rubbing his chapped lips with his strong hand. She doesn’t look up at him.
“I’m sorry.” She finally sighs, breathless from this entire lament. She didn’t want to hurt him like this again, but seeing Jim dancing with her like that. Sharing body heat with her, compressing his movements close to hers, looking at her with that kind of excitement he used to look at her with.
It was too much, and Roy seemed like a nice distraction. And he had changed. But he hadn’t changed to the point where he was somebody else. Someone tall, lanky, and undeniably adorable.
She was crying now. Crying big tears, smearing down her face with her black mascara. Unsure of how to deal with this now, he just grabbed her hand. It was cold and shaky, and he just wanted to comfort her. He wanted to believe she was crying for him, or for them, but she wasn’t. She cried like this when she regretted doing something, and it was clear this was the source of her plight.
“We don’t have to do this.” He offers quietly, trying to reassure her. He just wants to see her smiling, that’s all it takes. One of those gorgeous smiles.
“I’m sorry.”
“You said that already.” He replies with a chuckle. She still can’t laugh.
“I’m sorry about the wedding.” She clarified, raising her voice a little. She pulls a tissue off the dashboard, and tries to hide some of the tears running down her face. When she realizes its no use, she just pulls her hand away from him. “I wanted to tell you sooner, but I was afraid.”
“Tell me what?” He asks, confused at what she saying. He always assumed it was cold feet. There was never a specific reason given, he just thought it was something girls did. When she didn’t show up later on, he realized he’d lost her, and needed to get her back.
“The reason...” She began, hyperventilating from the crying. Each breath seemed to be more painful than the one before it. She took a deep breath in through her nose, out through her mouth, just like she did whenever panic began to set in. Then she found the panting to be easier than before. “He told me he loved me.”
“Who?” He asks, subconsciously knowing the answer.
“Jim.” She didn’t move. Each muscle froze, terrified to budge from its current position. The panting began again, making her breathing difficult. He turns away from her, and back towards the steering wheel. A minute of silence passes. Another one follows, making the tension thicker than the snow banks.
“Do you love him?” He asks after the fearful silence. She still wants to fight, but she’s afraid. Roy has never been exactly good with controlling his emotions, and she’s not quite sure why she’s even telling him this anyway. It’s because she’s fighting for what she wants. Jim always told her to fight, and now she’s going to fight, even if it hurts herself, or kills him. “Do you love him?” He repeats, trying not to burst with all the anger flowing through his veins.
She nods again.
“What about me?” Roy asks, vulnerable and painful. He’s tilting his head to the side, looking at her with his puppy dog eyes he always gave her when he wanted something. She isn’t quite sure, but she can almost see tears in his eyes. “Don’t you love me?”
“Of course, Roy. We were together for ten years.” Pam admits, somehow feeling like she’s cheating on Jim by admitting this. She is always going to have those feelings for him.
“Just not as much as him.” He acknowledges her misery, then looks down for a minute. “You’re amazing, Pam. You’re more than amazing, you’re beyond belief. And you deserve to be happy.”
“So do you.” She sighs, her spirits picking up a little bit. There’s still a little flutter in her stomach, but that’s probably a good thing. That’s what it feels like to be confident.
“If I can’t do that, you should be with somebody who can.” He whispers. She is completely surprised; she never would’ve expected this kind of behavior from him. Maybe he had really changed after all. “I’m never going to get over you.”
“I didn’t expect you to.” She says, finally cracking her first smile since they got in the car. The first genuine one, at least. “Thank you.” She goes for the door, but he stops her.
“Come on, I’ll drive you back to the reception.” He says, turning the key into the ignition. The engine turns on in a flash, and they both look at each other for just one second.
“Now, was it just me or did those invitations look really familiar?” He asks, and she looks angrily at him. She can’t really believe he was that oblivious to all he wedding planning, but now his smile is showing behind that beard. “I totally had you going.”
“Really funny.” She says laughing. “Just drive.”
Chapter End Notes:
So this is just because this is what should've happened at the end of Phyllis' Wedding.
