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THE OFFICE
EPISODE 15A
SERVICE CALL
BY KEVIN GREENE

ACT TWO


INT. THE OFFICE- OSCAR, KEVIN AND ANGELA’S AREA

We join the three in the middle of a conversation. They
are speaking in hushed tones.


KEVIN
Dude… all I’m saying is that you should
totally find out for sure.

OSCAR
Kevin… I am… 100% certain that he is straight.
110%.

KEVIN
But dude… what if he isn’t?
(Kevin nods and smiles nastily)

ANGELA
Don’t be disgusting, Kevin. Ricardo
is not gay.

KEVIN
How do you know?

ANGELA
Because… I know. I…

Just then Ricardo pops his head around the corner
from the fax machine by reception.

RICARDO
Hey guys!

ANGELA
Oh, hello Ricardo!
(Angela stands up. She is extra exuberant,
which gets Kevin and Oscar’s attention)

ANGELA(continued)
So… how is… oooh, how do you say
her name? It is SO cute!

RICARDO
Oh, my little Ninita.

ANGELA(softly)
Ninita…

RICARDO
Baby Girl. She is fine. This
morning I woke up to her
batting my nose like this…
(He leans towards Angela and
gently taps her nose)

ANGELA(blushes and touches
her chest)
Oooh… that is sooooooo cute!

RICARDO
But she can be a bad little kitty,
sometimes. If I have a lady friend
over… she’ll try to get in between
us… and she might even hiss a bit…

ANGELA
Oh my goodness.

RICARDO
Oh yes… she can be a jealous
little pussy.

ANGELA
(just a little, little bit sultry)
Oh, I KNOW she is.

Angela then notices that Dwight is standing
by his desk, staring at her. Angela laughs
nervously and then sits.

ANGELA(whispering)
Well, you MUST bring in a picture
Of her next time.

She peeks back at Dwight, who is still staring,
and then buries her head in work.

ANGELA TALKING HEAD

ANGELA
Oh, Ricardo is SO nice. And I LOVE
that he’s a cat owner. The way he
talks about her is so, so se…
(pause) sweet.(smiles)

INT. OFFICE-JIM AND DWIGHT’S DESKS

DWIGHT(sits down)
Jim…
(leans forward, speaks
a little quieter)
DWIGHT(continued)
What is it about Ricardo
that… attracts women so?

JIM
Well… um… (he looks back at Pam who’s
eyebrows shoot up in anticipation
of the answer)
JIM(continued)
He’s good-looking, a nice guy…
(gets an idea)
but um… I think it might have to do
with that pheromone experiment
he was trying.

DWIGHT
What pheromone experiment?

JIM
Well… (he looks at Ryan who
completely buries himself
into a Dunder-Mifflin
catalog, wanting no parts
of this)
JIM(continued)
The last time he was here
he mentioned that he was
conducting some kind of, like,
test. Something related to
smells and female sexual arousal.

DWIGHT
More.

JIM
He found that by um… ingesting
incredibly large amounts of
chocolate, preferably milk
chocolate… Snickers, M&M’s…
things of that nature… um…
he found that he could
affect a pheromonal
change in himself.(shrugs)
You know how women love
chocolate.

DWIGHT
That is completely ludicrous.

JIM
That’s what I said but you
can’t argue with the results.
(Turns to Pam)
JIM(continued)
Pam… when you are near Ricardo…
what are you feeling? What’s going
through your head?

PAM(eyes wide)
Oh my God… all I can think about
is a Mr. Goodbar.

Jim, still facing Pam, almost bursts out laughing
but somehow keeps his composure. Ryan coughs loudly,
gets up and heads toward the kitchen. Pam still has
the shocked look but allows a tiny smile just for Jim.
Jims turns back to Dwight, who is stunned by Pam’s
comment.

JIM
Wow. That’s… that’s proof positive,
right there, Dwight.

Dwight gets up and grabs his car keys from a drawer.

DWIGHT
I’ll be back in a few minutes, I
need to um… go to Walgreens.

Dwight exits and Jim and Pam laugh.

JIM
Oh my God. “Mr. Goodbar.”
Genius, Beesly, pure genius.

PAM
Oh that was a softball toss,
Halpert. So easy. You are
DEFINITELY losing your edge.

The two laugh and talk as Karen watches from her desk. She tries not to look but she does.

INT. THE OFFICE- OSCAR, KEVIN AND ANGELA’S AREA

Ricardo and Oscar are having a conversation while Kevin watches,
smiling playfully at Oscar.

OSCAR
So, ah…
(shoots Kevin a “cut it out!” look)
…the new place sounds nice… when will
you close on it?

RICARDO
It’s supposed to be next week, but
y’know, I’m always waiting for the
other shoe to drop. Oh wait… I took
some pics and printed them out.
Completely forgot… hold on…

Ricardo bends over and looks thru his bag which is sitting
on a small filing cabinet. Kevin gets Oscar’s attention and
tries to get him to look at Ricardo’s ass. Oscar stares Kevin down and shakes his head violently. Then, no longer able to fight it, he tries to sneak a look. Ricardo’s ass in practically inches from his face. Oscar stares for a few seconds and then realizes that the cameras have caught every second of this.

OSCAR(leaps up, embarrassed)
You know what, Ricardo, I’ll… uh…
I’ll look at those in a bit… I have
to… uh… I… uh… I’ll be back.

RICARDO
Oh, ok.

Oscar leaves, shooting Kevin the dirtiest look possible. Ricardo slips the pics back in his bag while Kevin has
a silent jowly laugh for the camera.

RICARDO
So what’s going on, Kevin?

KEVIN
Nothing much… dude! I KNOW you
got killed in Fantasy Football
this year. I sure did.

RICARDO
Oh man, I took a pounding.
Just awful.

KEVIN
This is like, the third straight
bad season I’ve had.

Just then Michael walks up.

RICARDO
Oh boy, I’ve had so many I can’t even keep
count. Just one right after the other.

MICHAEL
Oh wow! Mr Braggy Britches over here!
(laughs then tries to mock Ricardo’s voice
but it comes out sounding like Ricky Ricardo)
MICHAEL(continued)
I’ve had thousands and thousands of women.
Hispanic, White, Black… um… other.
(Pauses and then goes back to real voice)
MICHAEL(continued)
You sound like Walt Chamberlain.

KEVIN
Wilt.

MICHAEL
What?
(Shakes head)
Shut it, Kevin. So… um…
How many women… um… would that
be… do you think? Round it off.

RICARDO
Um… Michael. We weren’t talking
about women...


MICHAEL
Oh right!(laughs) Come on… you can tell me.
I know the ladies love Ricardo! (looks at camera)
Ladies love Ricardo… LL Cool (pause) uh… R.
Grandma said knock you down! HOOOO!!!
(Laughs)So what he got shot
nine times… LL is nowhere near
the ho magnet that you are!

KEVIN
That was 50 cent that got shot 9 times.

MICHAEL
Well…uh… LL got shot too. And he
was on the stretcher and he flipped
the bird to the cameras…


KEVIN
Uh, no, that was Tupac…

MICHAEL(annoyed)
You know what Kevin, why don’t
you go and get shot…
(shakes head and walks away)


MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
Besides Kevin, this has been a fun
day with Ricardo. You know, us bonding,
comparing notes about women… he has the
great stories, I have the, um… good…
listening skills. Um… he definitely has
the Latin machismo thing going. Women
love that… They always went for those
guys like Fernando Lamas, Ricardo
Montalban… KHAN!!! The plane! (laughs)
um… who else? Um… oh, Paul Rodriguez!
Well… maybe not so much Paul Rodriguez.
Very funny man, though.

INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA

Jim, Pam and Ricardo are talking, Jim and Ricardo
leaning over the reception counter.

RICARDO
No, he couldn’t have believed you.

JIM
He totally did.

PAM
Totally.

RICARDO
Come on…

JIM
Ricardo… Pam and I are pros
at this. We have honed this
skill over the years until
we are almost incapable of
failing.

PAM
Incapable. (laughs) Hey…
(laughs again) Remember the
time with the ball bearings?

JIM
Oh my God, Pam. I was JUST
thinking about that!

PAM(To Ricardo)
Jim made me laugh SO hard with
this one. We…

Just then Karen walks over.

KAREN(To Jim)
Ready?

JIM(looking at watch)
Oh. Um… ok. Yeah, let’s go.
Catch you guys later.

PAM
Yeah.

Jim and Karen collect their coats and head out. Pam
watches them leave and on her face the tiniest look
of sadness registers. Everyone else might as well be on
Jupiter right now. Ricardo registers all of it.

RICARDO
Well… let me get back to this
machine…

PAM
What? Oh… ok.
(She goes back her screen)

Ricardo goes over to the fax and starts to finish up. Ryan gets up from his
desk and, looking around, heads over to Ricardo. Ryan shoves his hands
in his pockets and looks all morose and stands behind him.

RYAN(SADLY)
Hey Ricardo.

Ricardo turns.
RICARDO
What’s up, Ryan?
(notices his sadness)
What’s wrong?

RYAN
Ah, it’s me and Kelly. We’re
not… doing too well.

RICARDO
Oh… I’m sorry to hear that,
guy.

RYAN
Yeah… she’s… she’s really hung
up on you. She really, REALLY
digs you.

RICARDO
Hey… look, Ryan… I never said or
did anything to Kelly to…

RYAN
Oh no, I know that. It’s me. I
don’t do it for her. And I… I
have to accept that. So I have
to do the right thing. For her.

RICARDO
Ok.

Ryan takes a deep breath and looks at the ceiling.
Closes his eyes and shakes his head.

RYAN
I have to step aside. Be a man
and realize that it’s you she
wants. This is hard but… I want
you to take her out, man. I just…
I just want her to be happy.
(Puts head down)

RICARDO
Wow. That’s… that’s really noble
of you, Ryan.

RYAN(still looking down)
Yeah.

RICARDO
Letting another man take your girl
out to make her happy.

RYAN
Yeah.

RICARDO
So I can take her off your
hands.

RYAN
Yeah.
(His head snaps up.)
RYAN (continued)
No, no, no, no… you got me all
wrong. I…

RICARDO
Get the hell out of here, Ryan.

Ricardo turns back to the fax machine. Ryan starts to say
something, changes his mind, looks at the camera and goes
slowly back to his seat.




INT. RESTAURANT TABLE NEXT TO WINDOW

Karen and Jim are eating their sandwiches,
shooting the breeze.

KAREN
Boy, that Ricardo has caused quite a stir,
huh?

JIM
Yeah, the woman really dig him. They always
lose their minds when he shows up.

KAREN(coyly)
And if I lost my mind?

JIM(dramatically)
Then go! Go be with him! Who am I to
stand in the way of passion like this?

KAREN(laughs and then gets
kind of serious)
So, um… is it me or does he have a real
thing for Pam?

JIM
Oh, um… yeah, I guess.(He sorta buries
himself into his sandwich)

KAREN
Did he talk to you about her? I saw you
two talking a bit.

JIM
Uh, yeah…he um… kinda asked me about her
situation. You know, like… what her…
deal was.

KAREN(looking down as
she eats, she cannot even look at Jim)
So, um… what did you say?

JIM
Well… I um… said, you know, she’s… (long
pause) single. I mean, I don’t know for
sure if Pam would even be interested…

KAREN
Trust me, she is.

Jim looks up sharply, then down again just as quickly.

JIM(back to eating)
What makes you say that?

KAREN
Come on, Jim. You’ve seen her look at him.
She’s definitely feeling him. You know that
look. (Jim looks up at Karen again with a
mixture of annoyance and tiredness)

KAREN(hands up)
I mean, in general, knowing that look. Not
like, you personally. That’s all I meant.

They are quiet for a few seconds.

KAREN(getting up the nerve to
go down this road)
Maybe… maybe you should um… kinda… talk to Pam.
They would make a nice couple. She should
go out on a date with him… Just, you know…
see what it’s like.


JIM(staring)
And I’m supposed to convince her?

KAREN
Jim. Look… I know you care about her
enough that you want to see her happy.
She’s NOT happy, Jim. Maybe going out
with Ricardo would be good for her…
You guys are FRIENDS, Jim… you out of anybody
could totally sell her on it. It could be…
just what she needs.

JIM NODS AND CONTINUES TO EAT. KAREN DOES AS WELL, SNEAKING
PEEKS AT JIM’S FACE. THEY SIT IN SILENCE.

KAREN TALKING HEAD

KAREN
Yeah… that was… not one of my more
subtle moments. (She looks down. She
seems almost embarrassed and ashamed.
Then she looks up and makes a Jim face
at the camera, unintentionally. She sighs
and points at herself)

KAREN
Great. Now I’m doing it…




END ACT TWO