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ACT TWO

INT. THE OFFICE-MICHAEL’S OFFICE

Michael sits at his desk with his head in
his hands, obviously still upset with the
situation. Dwight watches him through the
window outside the office, his face
reflecting his concern. He is completely
upset that Michael should be hurt like
this.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

                    DWIGHT(intense)
        I believe that a person that has stolen
        a fellow employee’s lunch should be
        vigorously punished with an excessively
        large fine… and a caning. If you hit
        a man in the stomach, you should be hit
        back in the wallet… and in the ass.

Dwight barges into Michael’s office,
closes the door and sits across from
him, leaning forward excitedly.

DWIGHT
Michael, give me time with them all.
I can break whoever did this. The
employee handbook is very fuzzy on
the usage of Sodium Penthanol.

MICHAEL
Dwight… aren’t I a good boss?
Don’t I provide a great work
environment?

DWIGHT
Yes! Of course!

MICHAEL
Shouldn’t I inspire loyalty in
my people? I mean… Why would
they take my food?

DWIGHT
They are ungrateful, thieving
children… and should be starved
accordingly.

MICHAEL
I give them comedy, I give them
magic…

DWIGHT
Children don’t deserve comedy
and magic. Especially yours.

MICHAEL
Exactly.

Toby walks up and leans
against the door frame.

TOBY
Michael…

MICHAEL
Go away, Toby.

TOBY
Michael… you… you cannot legally keep
employees from eating their lunch. And
chaining up the refrigerator… wow…
that… that is just off the charts…

MICHAEL
So what do you want me to do, Toby?
You want me to uh… to uh… take the
chain off the fridge?? You want me
to let them eat their lunch??  

TOBY
Uh… yes.  

MICHAEL
NO, Toby. No. I will not bend to
this kind of behavior. That’s how…
how we lose our way. That’s how
the terrorists WIN.

Toby is struck speechless my Michael’s
comments. All he can do is blink and
slightly shake his head.

Michael walks past him and Dwight and
heads out to the office.

INT. THE OFFICE-JIM’S DESK

Michael puts his hands on his hips and
addresses the office.

MICHAEL
Alright… are you ready to talk now?
Are the hunger pangs getting to you?
Making you weak… tired… guilty? Hmmmm?

TOBY(quietly)
Michael… it’s only been about ten minutes
since you chained the fridge…

MICHAEL(annoyed)
Toby… alright… you know what? Everyone
remains a suspect. Ah… everyone except
Stanley.

STANLEY
I KNOW I will regret this but… why am
I not a suspect, Michael?

MICHAEL
Well, just… you know.

STANLEY
No, I don’t. Tell me.

MICHAEL
Um… well… um… because (pause) blacks…
don’t eat… quiche?

Stanley just stares at Michael who
shifts from foot to foot nervously.

MICHAEL
Right?

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL(agitated)
Look, I’m SORRY but I’ve always been
under the impression that there are
certain foods that African-Americans
don’t eat… like quiche, for example.
Also cream cheese and liverwurst.
(pause) And celery.(pause)If I’m
wrong for saying that black people
don’t eat quiche… well, then just
call me ignorant.

INT. THE OFFICE-MICHAEL’S OFFICE

Ryan sticks his head thru into Michael’s
office.

RYAN
You, uh… wanted to see me?

MICHAEL
Ah, yeah… you can, uh… close the door.

Ryan comes all the way in, closes the
door behind him and sits down.

RYAN
What’s up?

MICHAEL
Well, uh…I just wanted to speak to you
in private… don’t want to single you
out in front everybody… you saw how
THAT worked out… (laughs)

RYAN
Yeah…

MICHAEL(waving hands)
“Michael, that’s offensive!”
(laughs)
So touchy…

RYAN
Yeah… so, uh… what’s up?

MICHAEL
Well, I just uh… wanted you to know
that I don’t think you took my lunch.
I uh… trust you… explicitly.

RYAN
Uh… I REALLY hope you mean implicitly,
but ok…

MICHAEL (laughing)
Ryan! Wow, that’s… we should try to
be, uh… a little careful of what we
say in front of the cameras.
(looks at camera and laughs again)

MICHAEL(continued)
We don’t want to give any impression
that, uh…

RYAN
What are you talking about?

MICHAEL
Well, uh… (laughs) you said
implicitly. I mean… you’re hot
and all but we don’t want people
to think we are having a secret
relationship… (laughs again and
looks at camera)

RYAN
That’s illicitly… Uh, you know
what, I’m gonna go.(gets up)

MICHAEL
Well, no, you don’t have to…

RYAN(Looks at camera)
No, I… I really should…
Ah… I’ll… ok.

Ryan leaves the room as
Michael looks around and
then at the camera.

MICHAEL(to camera)
HE said implicit, not me.
I want to go on record.


INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

Jim is holding the bear he gave to Pam and
leaning against the reception desk. Pam
hangs up the phone and smiles at Jim.

JIM
Have you spoken to Roy, yet?

PAM
No, not yet… I got sidetracked
by all this… hullabaloo.

JIM(smiling)
Did you just say “hullabaloo”?

PAM(laughing)
Yeah. I plan on using “fracas” in
a few minutes.

JIM
Cool.

Just then, Kevin, Angela and Oscar walk up
to Jim looking quite serious. He turns
around to face them.

PAM
Wow, you guys look like you should be
carrying torches.  

JIM
Yeah, really.

KEVIN
Jim, we want you to return Michael’s
lunch.

JIM(annoyed)
Kevin, I don’t have Michael’s lunch.
Why would I take his lunch?

KEVIN
To mess with him… or maybe eat it.

JIM
I don’t mess with Michael, I
mess with Dwight… well, mostly.
And I have my own lunch. Besides,
I don’t like quiche.

KEVIN(suspiciously)
Wait a minute. How did you know Michael’s
lunch was quiche?

JIM
Kev…

KEVIN
How would you know that unless you took it?
You are SO busted, Jim!

JIM
Kev… when Michael came in this morning
he told me AND Pam AND Dwight that he
had quiche for lunch.

Kevin, Oscar and Angela look at Pam, who
nods her head in the affirmative. They all
look at Dwight who is sitting at his desk
staring at the ceiling.

PAM (offscreen)
Dwight!

Dwights rolls his eyes and reluctantly nods.
Angela sighs and gives Kevin a vicious look.

ANGELA(mockingly)
“Dude, I’m telling you, Jim
swiped the quiche.”

Angela rolls her eyes and stalks off,
followed by Oscar. Kevin stands there,
embarrassed. He looks at Jim, then Pam,
then back at Jim. He smiles at Jim.

KEVIN
Hey.

KEVIN TALKING HEAD

KEVIN
Now that I think about it, my money is on
Creed. One night, I forgot my cell so I
had to drive back over here and while I was
sitting in the parking lot I saw Creed put
two copiers and a water cooler into a van.
(pause) It was a little suspicious.(nods)

CREED TALKING HEAD
 
                    CREED
        I don’t steal many lunches anymore.
        Too hard to move. Give me something
        like tube socks… car radios… kidneys…
        THOSE I can move. (shakes head)
        There’s just not the same demand for
        ham and cheese sandwiches anymore.


INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

Jim is still leaning on the reception
desk when Michael comes out of his
office and looks in his direction.

MICHAEL
Jim… can I have a word with you?
In my office?

Michael goes back into his office.
Dwight comes out, crosses his arms
And smiles smarmily at Jim. Jim
looks at Pam, who actually appears
a little worried and then the camera.
He then heads towards Michaels door.

PAM TALKING HEAD

PAM
I can’t imagine Jim getting in
trouble over this. I mean, Jim
wouldn’t steal… or “kidnap”
Michael’s lunch. (pause)
But if Dwight somehow gets Jim
fired over this… I’ll be forced
to set his car on fire.(pause)
Seems only fair.

INT. THE OFFICE-MICHAEL’S OFFICE

Jim is seated facing Michael across the
desk. Dwight is standing with his arms
folded, staring intently at Jim.

DWIGHT
He’s lying, Michael. I can smell
deception coming off of him in waves.

JIM
That’s because I’m wearing Deception
by Calvin Klein.

MICHAEL
Are you really? Wow, that’s a really
funny coincidence!

DWIGHT(annoyed)
Michael…

MICHAEL
Wait… It’s Obsession, isn’t it?

JIM
Well, I like it a lot but I wouldn’t
go that far.

MICHAEL(confused)
What?

DWIGHT
MICHAEL! He’s toying with us!!
(To Jim) I’m done asking you!
Give me the quiche!

JIM(shocked)
WHAT?!? What did you just say
to me?

DWIGHT(taken aback by Jim’s reaction)
I uh… said… give me the… quiche?

JIM(leaping up)
Michael, I will NOT tolerate this…
sexual harassment! Dwight demanding
a kiss from me is WAY out of line!

DWIGHT
What? I didn’t… that’s ridiculous!
I said give me the quiche!

JIM(Even angrier)
Get AWAY from me! Michael,
get him the HELL out of here!
I’ll tell you what you what
you want to know but he has
GOT to leave!

DWIGHT
Michael, don’t listen to him!

JIM
MICHAEL!

MICHAEL
Uh… Dwight… uh… just give us a
minute.

DWIGHT
I don’t believe this! Michael…

MICHAEL
Just… come on, I just want to
know where my lunch is! Go… go
in the kitchen, Dwight!

Dwight, stunned by this turn of events,
sadly leaves Michael’s office, shaking
his head at Jim. Once he’s outside the
door, Jim’s mood brightens immeasurably.

JIM
So, what do you want to know, Michael?

MICHAEL(put on his heels by Jim’s
sudden attitude adjustment)
Uh… do you know where my… lunch is?

JIM(sincerely)
No. I honestly, HONESTLY do not know
where your lunch is, Michael. I would
never take your food and if I knew
where it was, I would tell you. Ok?

MICHAEL
Um… ok.

JIM
Seriously. I need you to hear
me on this, ok?

MICHAEL
No, I… I hear you.

JIM
Ok… and Michael? Chaining the fridge
and keeping everyone from eating is
probably not the way to go.

MICHAEL
My… mom made that lunch, man. That
means a lot to me.

JIM
I know that… but we’ll figure it out.
This way isn’t the right way, you know?
Let people eat, Michael. Ok?

MICHAEL
Alright… well… maybe… but my mom made
it, man!

JIM
Ok, yeah… but think about it, ok?

MICHAEL
Ok… ok…

Jim starts to leave.

MICHAEL
Jim?

JIM
Yeah?

MICHAEL
That Deception cologne… does smell
pretty good. Chicks dig it?

JIM(suppressing a laugh)
Uh… yeah. They chase me thru
the mall all the time.

MICHAEL
Wow… gotta get some of that.

Jim leaves Michael’s office and
walks over to reception. Pam
anxiously hangs up the phone
and leans forward.

INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

JIM
It’s ok, I’m good.

Pam looks noticeably relieved.

PAM
Oh, good. ‘Cause, even by Dunder-
Mifflin standards this has gone
way out of control.

JIM
Yeah… uh, hey. I’m kinda working
on Michael to ease up on the whole
uh… Fort Knox refrigerator thing.
Maybe you can go in there… break
out the uh… considerable Beesly
charm and push him along some
more…

PAM
Wow… ”Considerable charm”. I never
knew I had that.

JIM
What? Of course you do! You certainly
charmed the pants off of m… (pause)
uh… not my… uh…

PAM
No, I knew what you… uh… meant…

JIM (laughing)
Not literally… you know, I mean…

PAM(standing)
Yeah, I’ll go and talk to Michael.
I uh… have some things to remind
him of anyway…

JIM (recovering)
Ok. Good job. And when you come back
I’ll detail the monetary and cultural
differences between Fifth Avenue and
Sixth Avenue. Just to prepare you.
(laughs)

PAM(laughs)
Ok, have that ready.

Pam walks over to Michael’s office
and leans in.

INT. THE OFFICE-MICHAEL’S OFFICE

PAM
Do you have a minute, Michael?

MICHAEL
Uh… sure. What’s… going
on, Pam?

PAM
Well, I just wanted to remind you
that there is a big conference
call with New York at 11:00,
tomorrow.

MICHAEL
That’s tomorrow, right? Why are
you…

PAM
Just getting you ready.

MICHAEL
Well, that doesn’t help me
with my lunch today, Pam.

PAM
You’re lunch will turn up,
Michael. No one here took
it.

MICHAEL
How do you know that?

PAM
Because I know. I KNOW. Take the
chain off the refrigerator,
Michael. It’s not right. Your
lunch is around here somewhere.
Don’t punish them for something
that’s been misplaced.

Michael grumbles and shakes his head.

MICHAEL
Alright, MAYBE… But I’m gonna get
to the bottom of this somehow.

PAM
And Michael..please, please, PLEASE
sign those expense reports! I MUST
have them today!

MICHAEL(looking around)
I don’t even know where…

PAM(pointing)
Right there! They’re right behind
you! Over there.

Michael turns and sees them on the
cabinet behind his desk.

MICAHEL
OK, ok, I’ll sign ‘em!
Go… go pester somebody else…

PAM(smiling)
Thank you. And think about
the fridge…

MICHAEL(waving her out)
Yes, ok…

Pam leaves. Michael turns around
and picks up the expense reports.
Underneath the reports is his bagged
lunch. Michael looks at the camera,
embarrassed and rubs his face.

MICHAEL
Oh… damn.

END ACT TWO.