Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

ACT THREE

INT. THE OFFICE-JIM’S DESK

Michael walks slowly out of his
office looking around cautiously.
He is holding a black garbage bag.
Jim turns around when Michael comes
out, leans back in his chair and
watches him.

JIM
What’s in the bag, dad?

MICHAEL(stopping in spite of himself)
That’s… that’s funny… and… timely.

JIM
Yeah.

MICHAEL(thinking hard)
Uh… I had to take my garbage out…
It’s uh… Saddam stinky.

JIM(actually chuckling)
That’s… that’s good. I like that.

MICHAEL(getting into it)
The smell was making me Hussein…

JIM(smile fading)
Ok. Um… so… what’s in your garbage
that stinks so bad?

MICHAEL(looking at bag)
Oh… um… I think it’s… um… some…
um… something.

JIM(looking at camera, smiling)
Ok.

Dwight walks over and interjects
himself.

DWIGHT
Let me handle it, Michael. It might
be toxic.

MICHAEL(annoyed)
It’s not toxic, Dwight.

DWIGHT
How do you know? A peanut butter
and jelly sandwich left in a drawer
can become a deadly toxic bomb over
time…
(looks at Jim)

DWIGHT(continued)
…JIM.

JIM(shaking head)
I keep telling you…
I didn’t put that there, Dwight…

DWIGHT(staring hard at Jim)
Well, I certainly didn’t put a sandwich
in a file folder labeled PB&J!

JIM(fighting back a smile)
I don’t know… you can be pretty anal
about your filing system…

As they argue Michael attempts to
slip away.

DWIGHT
NO, Jim, I don’t file… Michael!
I’ll take care of that. Don’t
endanger yourself needlessly.
That’s my job.

MICHAEL
No, it’s ok…

DWIGHT(lower)
You didn’t open another cyan ink
cartridge, did you?

MICHAEL (rolling eyes)
No! I… know the difference between
cyan and… cayenne… now.

There’s a pause as the three look
at each other, Michael the more
embarrassed of the trio.

DWIGHT
Michael, give me the bag. I’ll
walk it out to the big dumpster.

MICHAEL
No, that’s…

DWIGHT(reaching)
Just back away from it and…

MICHAEL
No! Dwight! I’ll take… you know
what? Never mind. It’s… not that
bad, I’ll just… ignore it. Jeez.

Michael turns and heads back to his office.
We see that his jacket is up in the back on
his left side, because a plastic knife and
fork are sticking out of his pocket. Both
Jim and Dwight look at the camera and then
back to Michael as he closes his door.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
A general doesn’t… admit to
mistakes in front of his
soldiers. (shakes head)No.
A… A general must not appear
fallible. Do you think George
Washington would’ve told Ben
Franklin “Oh… gee, I’m really
sorry, Ben. My bad! No one
stole my lunch, it was over here
on this rock under some expense
reports.” No! No. He would’ve
said “Ben… get your ass back out
there and kill me some British.”
THAT’S what a real general would
do.

INT. THE OFFICE-MICHAEL’S OFFICE

Pam sticks her head into Michael’s office.

PAM
You wanted to see me?

MICHAEL
Oh, uh, yeah. Um… close the door, Pam.
This is for your ears only. James Bond.

PAM
Uh… ok.

Pam closes the door behind her and sits
facing Michael.

MICHAEL
Uh… ok, Pam. I have a top secret, super
stealth mission for you. So… mums the word,
keep it to yourself… ok?

PAM
Of course.

PAM TALKING HEAD

PAM(smiling)
Poor Michael. He doesn’t realize that
when he says to me “Pam, I have a top
secret, super stealth mission for you.”
that what he’s REALLY saying is “Pam, I
have a run right out and tell Jim every
stupid detail because it will definitely
be worth a few laughs and POSSIBLY have
some future blackmail and prank potential…
(pause) mission for you.

INT. THE OFFICE MICHAEL’S OFFICE

Michael continues.

MICHAEL
I want you to take this box(hands closed
cardboard box to Pam), take it downstairs
and put it on the passenger seat of my car…
ok?

PAM
Um… your car is in the shop… remember?

MICHAEL
ARRRGH! That’s right, damn!

Michael puts his head in his hands as
Pam glances at the camera and then back
to him.

MICHAEL
Don’t panic, Pam, stop panicking!! Ok…

Pam gives the camera a “I’M panicking?!?”
look.

MICHAEL
Ok… um… alright. Take this box and leave it
in shipping… no, no, those animals will
probably eat it.

PAM(frowning)
You realize that you just called my fiancé
an animal, right? I don’t… (pause) eat what?

MICHAEL
Uh… what?

PAM
You said they would probably eat it. Eat what?

There is a long pause as Pam and Michael stare
at one another.

PAM
What’s in this box?

She starts to open it but Michael comes around
the desk and snatches the box away and cradles it.

MICHAEL(staring at Pam insanely)
TOP SECRET!

Again they stare at each other, Pam slightly
shocked.

MICHAEL
Um… ok… you know what? I’ll… I’ll take
care of it. It’s ok. Thanks.

PAM
O… k.

Pam backs out of the room with Michael
still clutching the box.

INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

Pam walks over to reception just as Roy
comes through the main door.

ROY
Pammy… you wanted to see me?

Pam glances at Jim who is on the phone
and then turns to Roy.

PAM
Uh… let’s go into the stairwell…

INT.- THE OFFICE-JIM’S DESK.

Michael comes out of his office and
stands in front of Jim’s desk.

MICHAEL
Ok, everyone… everybody into the
conference room. C’mon… let’s uh…
let’s… go.

Everyone shuffles into the conference
room reluctantly. Michael looks over
at reception.

MICHAEL
Where the hell is Pam? Dammit…

Michael looks around nervously until
everyone shuffles into the conference
room, then follows them in.

INT. THE OFFICE-CONFERENCE ROOM

Michael pulls the blinds on the door
and all of the windows and stands in
front of the seated group. They are
all annoyed and depressed. No one wants
to be in here.

MICHAEL(nervously)
Ok… um… ok. I’ve uh… finished my
investigation. And… I’m gonna do like
in a mystery show and name the killer.
Just like Murder, She Wrote.


JIM
You’re gonna dress up like Angela
Lansbury and tell us who killed your
lunch?

Toby, seated next to Jim, puts his head
down and smiles slightly.

MICHAEL
Yes. Uh… well, not the dressing up part
but uh, basically, yeah.

JIM
Ok.

MICHAEL
But first, I um… have to get something.
A key um… clue… that I forgot. NOBODY
MOVE. No one.

Michael opens the door and heads out but
leans back in.

MICHAEL
Stay right where you are.

He leaves, shuts the door behind him and
slips into his office.

INT. STAIRWELL

Pam and Roy head down to a middle landing
and face one another. The camera hides at
the top of stairs. We see Pam and Roy
between the bars of the railing.

ROY
So… what’s up, babe?

PAM
Um… I wanted to ask you about
something… um… Jim has to go to
New York this Wednesday and I
was gonna… tag along with him.
You know, um… just for the day
and stuff. Ok?

ROY
What?

Pam really doesn’t want to have to repeat
herself but she sighs and starts again.

PAM
Jim… has to go to New York and…

ROY
Didn’t you tell me that Halpert was
going to New York LAST Friday?

PAM
Uh… yeah.

ROY
So what’s he going back for?

PAM
Um… he had some um… business he has to
take care of that he couldn’t do over
the weekend. So… I was gonna tag along
with him.

ROY
Tag along? Pam, you tag along with
somebody when they hit a bar or…
the movies or… something. Going to New
York is a HELL of a lot more than
tagging along… (he pauses and squints
at Pam)

ROY(continued)
What’s goin’ on?

PAM(eyes wide in surprise)
What? Nothing… nothing’s going…

ROY
I’m gonna go talk with him.

Roy starts to head up the stairs but
Pam grabs his arm.

PAM
Talk to him about what? What is WRONG
with you? There is NOTHING going on,
Roy. He’s my FRIEND!

Roy stares at Pam for a moment.

ROY
Is this because I haven’t taken you
to New York?

PAM
What? No! Roy, It’s just a day with
a friend, ok? That’s all it is.

ROY
I just don’t see why you HAVE to
go to New York with him.

PAM(tired, but trying to be sweet)
Roy… There’s nothing to look for here.
Jim is my… friend. Just my friend. I
don’t HAVE to go… I just wanted to go.

Roy stews for a moment and then moves
closer to Pam and wraps his arms around
her.

ROY(softly)
Listen… why don’t we go to New York?
You and me. I know you’ve been wanting
to. Like… the weekend after next. It’ll
be fun.

PAM(brightening)
Really? You really want to go?

ROY(smiling)
Uh, yeah, set it up. Pick a good hotel…
Not too expensive, we gotta save,
right?

PAM(laughing)
Yeah… Oh, there’s so much
we can do there!

ROY
Yeah, yeah… So… are you
happy with that?

PAM(smiling)
Yes. Yes, I am. (kisses Roy)

ROY
Good… Ok, so, um… you don’t
need to go to New York this
week then, right?

PAM(pulling back)
What?

ROY
Pam, you don’t need to go to
New York for a day when you’re
goin’ for a weekend, babe.
(Laughs) That doesn’t make
sense…

Pam looks down, knowing she
has walked right into it.

ROY(bending down to look
at Pam’s face)
Right?

PAM(quietly)
Yeah.

ROY
I mean… we’ll be staying over,
babe. What can you do in a day,
right?

Pam just nods blankly.

ROY(solemnly, but still sounding
full of shit)
And I want us to experience it
TOGETHER. (kisses Pam again but she
only gives him cheek)

ROY(continued)
Alright, lemme get back down there.
(starts heading down the stairs)

ROY(continued)
See ya at five, Pammy.

PAM(sullen)
Ok.

As Roy walks downstairs, Pam slowly
leans against the stairwell wall
and crosses her arms. She looks
unbelievably sad.

ROY(yelling from offscreen)
Oh, Pammy?

PAM(monotone)
Yeah.

ROY(Still offscreen)
Tell Michael that the padlock he took…
it doesn’t have a key. It’s been missing
for God knows how long.

PAM(shrinking even more)
Ok.

Pam puts her head in her hands and
sighs loudly.

INT. THE OFFICE-MICHAEL’S OFFICE

Michael pokes his head out of his office
carrying his lunch and looks around
carefully. He glances over at the
conference room and is satisfied that
everyone is still in there. He quickly
glides over to Creed’s desk and opens
drawers, looking for space for the bag.
All the drawers are stuffed. Finally
he finds one and starts to slip the bag
in. Just then Pam re-enters the office
and sees Michael from across the room,
shoving his lunch into Creed’s desk.

PAM
MICHAEL! What are you doing?!?

Michael practically leaps out of
his shoes. He is completely
startled.

MICHAEL
I was… I was…

Just then everyone comes out of the
conference room and stares at Michael.

PHYLLIS
Is that your lunch, Michael?

KELLY
You found it! Yay!

MICHAEL
Uh, yeah, yeah… I… it was… it was in
Creed’s desk! Creed stole my lunch!!

Everyone stares at Creed.

CREED
I did?

Kevin gives a happy fist pump and shoves
his hand toward Oscar, who reluctantly
hands him a ten dollar bill.

MICHAEL
Yeah, Creed, you did. Pack up your crap,
and get the hell out of here! You’re done…
for… the day.

CREED(starting to head to his desk)
Fair enough.

PAM
Michael! You were putting that bag into
that drawer, not taking it out!

Michael shoots Pam a withering glare.

MICHAEL
NO… no. I was… uh… putting the evidence
back where I found it. Protecting the
crime scene. (Michael gives the
camera a self-satisfied look, like no
one should question that brilliant-
sounding reason.)

DWIGHT
How did you know it was there in the
first place?

MICHAEL
I… um…

MEREDITH
And why did you have to sneak back
out here and put it back?

KEVIN
Yeah.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
I think I’m a good leader, yes. I think
I get the respect that a leader should
be afforded.

INT.-THE OFFICE-CREED’S DESK

We see Michael standing in front of
everyone, desperately trying to think
his way out it, looking at each person,
hoping for some kind of out.

MICHAEL(VOICE-OVER)
And with that respect there is the
necessary by-product of fear. A leader
should be feared somewhat, like a parent.
They are children and they should be
afraid to even remotely question my
authority. Harsh, I know but… that’s
how it goes in the leader business.
(nods)

INT.-THE OFFICE-CREED’S DESK

MICHAEL(completely flabbergasted)
No, see… I… because… OK, ok! My lunch
was on my desk the whole time and…
and it was covered by those stupid
expense reports! And… I didn’t even
know it was there!
(He points at Pam)

MICHAEL(continued)
It’s your fault I lost my lunch!

Jim pulls out his absolute best Jim face
and shows it to the camera and then Pam,
who shakes her head, open-mouthed. Every-
one just glares at Michael who shuffles
nervously. Then Phyllis walks over to Michael
and gets right in his face.

PHYLLIS(evenly)
I’m going to my LATE lunch with Bob Vance.
I will be gone for TWO hours… Michael.

MICHAEL
Well, gee, Phyllis, that’s a pretty long…

She gives Michael a death stare and he stops.
Phyllis heads towards reception, followed by
Stanley, Creed, Meredith and Oscar, who pauses
long enough to get his ten bucks back from a
hugely disappointed Kevin.

CREED TALKING HEAD

CREED
No, I’m not mad that Michael tried to
set me up. I would’ve done the same
thing. Only, I would’ve gotten away
with it.(Creed jerks a thumb back over
his shoulder towards the office)

CREED(continued)
Amatuers… (then points at himself)

CREED(continued)
Pro.(nods cockily)


DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
Am I disappointed that Michael did this?
(looks sad) Yes… yes, I am. A leader
should NEVER, EVER frame a subordinate
to cover his own mistakes. Unless… that
subordinate’s name is Jim Halpert.

KELLY TALKING HEAD

KELLY
OhmiGod, that was SO crazy. That had,
like, a million twists and turns! First
Michael said someone stole his lunch and
then he tried to fool us into thinking
Creed stole it and then it turned out
that HE STOLE HIS OWN LUNCH. Wow! It was
exactly like The Sixth Sense where Bruce
Willis is just hanging out and then that
creepy kid helps him and then it turns
out that HE WAS DEAD THE WHOLE TIME.
Y’know? It’s exactly like it!(smile fades
a little) Sorta… (long pause)
Well… maybe not really.

INT.-THE OFFICE-JIM’S DESK

Jim and Pam head back over towards
his desk, Jim looking amused and Pam
looking anxious.

JIM
Wow… so, Pam… let me write your entry
for today… (makes voice effeminate)
Dear diary… today at work, Michael
stole his own lunch and tried to frame
Creed for it. SO not cool. But on the
other hand Jim, my BBF (Best Buddy
Forever) is taking me to New York!
I’ve said it in every previous entry
and I’ll say it again… That Jim Halpert
is soooooo dreamy!

PAM(pained)
Jim… about that…

JIM(smiling)
What, I’m not dreamy? C’mon, that’s
what you wrote, you can’t take it
back.

PAM(reaching for Jim’s arm)
Jim…

Jim looks into Pam’s eyes and just
knows. All the air seems to come
out of him.

JIM(not wanting to believe)
Roy doesn’t want you to go.

PAM(looking into Jim’s eyes)
No… I’m sorry, Jim.

JIM(angry)
Dammit!

Pam grabs Jim’s hand and pulls him
to the conference room and closes
the door.

INT.–THE OFFICE-CONFERENCE ROOM

JIM
I… What is the big deal?!?
Did you explain that it’s…
it’s… NOTHING! It’s just…

PAM
I did, I did. But he… he
didn’t like it. He REALLY
didn’t like the idea. I’m
SORRY, Jim…

JIM(frustrated)
Jesus Christ, what is his problem?!?
Why is he acting so stupid? I’m not…
We’re not… (shakes head) It was just…
And he has to act like an ass over it…
Can’t you just tell him your going?!?

PAM(slightly angry)
Jim! Listen. I’m REALLY sorry, I know
you’re upset but Roy is my
FIANCE and I have to respect how he
feels!

This hits Jim like a ton of bricks.
The reality of what Pam said sobers him
immediately. He blinks at her a few times
and then jams his hands into his pockets.
His head hangs.

JIM(quietly)
Yeah. He is. You’re right. (pause)
I… pushed you into this and… I’m really
sorry. I just got carried away.

PAM(even sadder still)
No, no, Jim, you didn’t…

JIM(sincerely)
It’s… my fault. I put you in a…
bad situation. I… I’m really sorry,
Pam.

PAM
No… Jim…

Jim leaves the conference room. Pam comes
out to follow him but he continues past
reception and out through the main door.
Just then Michael, Dwight, Ryan, Kevin,
Kelly, Angela and Toby come out of the
kitchen. Pam hangs her head and then
hears Michael.

MICHAEL
Alright, alright! I’m getting the key now,
you’ll have your food in a second! Jeez…

PAM(grimacing)
Oh… Michael? Um… About that…

EXT. PARKING LOT/BUILDING ENTRANCE

Jim leans against the wall right next to
the main door. It’s cold but he doesn’t
seem to notice. He is deep in thought,
head down, a sad look upon his face. Once
again, he is dealing with the cold reality
of his situation. Ryan comes thru the door
and looks at him.

RYAN
Hey, man… what’s wrong?

Jim just shakes his head and then
notices something in Ryan’s hand.

JIM
Are those Dwight’s keys?

RYAN
Yeah, I gotta get something outta
his car.

Jim nods and goes back to moping as
Ryan walks off. Then, Jim’s phone rings.
Jim pulls it out and upon recognizing
the number, suddenly remembers what he’s
done.

JIM(standing a few feet from the door now)
Mark! Hey! Uh, listen… about those tickets…
Oh… oh. Damn. Uh, ok…

Just then Pam comes downstairs and pokes
her head out the door. She sees Jim on the
phone and decides to wait until he is done.

JIM(continued)
You know, my plans kinda fell through… I know…
can he just… take ‘em back? (closes eyes, and
shakes head) Well, I can’t use ‘em now… and I
still have to pay for them?

Pam’s eyes widen, her mind racing.

JIM(continued)
I don’t know anybody else that’s
going to New York, dude! Ah, man…
alright… how… how much are they?

Jim pauses and then bends over at the waist,
his elbows on his knees and the phone still
to his ear.

JIM(continued)
You… have GOT to be kidding. Oh… My… God.
I KNOW what I said… Oh, man…(laughs and
stands upright) ‘Cause ya GOTTA laugh, man.
My life… it’s… it’s a complete mess! I work
in this stupid company… I’m in l…(just then he
turns around and sees Pam standing there)

JIM(continued)
Oh, hey. Dude, I gotta go… no, nothin’… I
gotta… ok. Yeah, I’ll (lower) get you the
money, ok? Bye.

Jim hangs up and walks slowly to Pam.
She comes out and wraps her arms around
herself, concern showing on her face.

PAM
Is… everything ok?

JIM
Yeah, yeah, um… Mark. Always something
goofy with that guy… he, uh… needs some
cash… you know…

PAM(not believing but afraid to
push it)
Oh. Um… ok.

Jim starts to walk past Pam but she
puts her hands on his arms.

PAM(quietly)
Jim… I am SO sorry. And… and I don’t
want you to think that you pushed me
into going. I WANTED to go, Jim. Don’t
ever think that I didn’t. It’s just…
so complicated sometimes.

Jim nods but he still can’t look in
Pam’s eyes.

JIM(with a small smile)
Well… who knows? Maybe one
day… we will.
(shrugs and laughs)

JIM (continued)
I guess… we’ll always have
Scranton… right?

Jim walks to the door and goes in. And
although Pam is cold, she just stands
outside and looks into the sky. Just
then, Ryan walks by. He holds a huge bolt
cutter aloft and waves it to Pam.

RYAN(sarcastically)
Lunch is here!

He goes in and, a few seconds later,
a dejected Pam follows.

END ACT III



EPILOGUE

TOBY TALKING HEAD

TOBY

I uh… have my own little way of
gauging how my day went here at
Dunder-Mifflin. I call it the,
uh, Litigation Barometer.


We see a series a shots.
Ryan in the kitchen trying to
work the bolt cutter and Dwight
finally losing patience, taking
it from him and using it himself.
Toby speaking to Michael,
gesturing and shrugging, while
Michael happily eats his quiche
and ignores him.
Toby speaking to Creed, who
points at Michael, then his desk
and then shrugs with a smile and
leaves the office. Toby shakes his
head and looks at Michael, who is
trying to get an aggravated Pam to
smell his lunch. Jim looks on
humorlessly.

TOBY (continued)
It’s a scale from 1 to 5.
1, uh, being “No, no possible
lawsuit could occur from today’s
office activities” to 5, 5 being,
um… “Everyone, expect to be served
with a subpoena before week’s end”.
(pause) Today could possibly be…
an 8. (shakes head)

END EPILOGUE