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 Suddenly, finally

“Hey, are you OK?” Pam had watched Jim growing more and more haggard and less and less animated over the past few weeks, but today he looked exhausted. She’d debated with herself for over an hour about saying something. Should she e-mail? Should she try to gauge his reaction to a joke or a suggestion for a prank? Finally, she had watched him trudge into the break room, running his hand wearily through his hair. He’d tossed a short nod in her direction as he walked away from his desk, and she was overwhelmed by her need to just…to know what was going on with him. Ignoring the look she got from Karen, she had hurried after him. At the sound of her question, he turned from the vending machine and looked at her with a blank expression. It was the same carefully blank, neutral expression that he’d brought back from Stamford and which by now was painfully familiar.

He smiled insincerely. “I’m fine, Pam. Just a little tired. How are you?”

It was nothing. It was a simple exchange of pleasantries between co-workers. It was acceptable, it was perfectly friendly, it was a normal thing to say. It was also total bullshit, and suddenly, finally, it pissed Pam off.

“I’m tired, too, Jim. I’m tired of not being able to talk to you. I’m tired of watching you looking miserable and not knowing what’s wrong. I’m tired of watching you with her.  I’m tired of feeling guilty for hoping that she’s what’s making you miserable. I’m tired of feeling so, so stupid for letting you go. Most of all, I’m tired of loving the back of your head from the reception desk and knowing…knowing that we could have been happy together.”

Shocked that the words had actually come out of her mouth, Pam stopped short. She stared at Jim. One of the things she loved about Jim (and she did love him, she did) was the way his face conveyed all his emotions. She knew now that he’d told her a million times how much he loved her- with his eyebrows, his eyes, his smile, the tightness in his jaw, the creases in his forehead, and once even with his voice. So she stared at his face now, knowing that it would tell her the truth even if his voice couldn’t.

First, it was shock. Then confusion. Suddenly, at once, it was anger and fear and desperation and something else. Pam thought it was hope, but the other emotions flickering across his features crushed it before she could be sure. Pam felt something inside her die along with it. She registered all of this in an instant, the split second before he parted his lips to speak.

“We’re not doing this, Pam. I can’t…” he trailed off with a bitter laugh. “I can’t do this. Maybe you’re right. Maybe we could have been happy. But you didn’t seem to think so when it mattered. I’m with Karen now. It’s too late.” He didn’t meet her eyes; instead, he focused vaguely over her head, his eyes darting along the ceiling as if looking for answers there.

Pam suddenly understood the impulse that had once made Jim follow her into a darkened office and kiss her despite her earlier denial. He was lying, just as she had lied. He was lying to himself and to her and she had to do something. She had to try. She was offering herself to him and he was turning her down and it was wrong. Just as she had been wrong.

Pam took a deep breath and stepped close to Jim. “Look at me,” she whispered. With a visible effort, Jim pulled his gaze down and met her eyes. His jaw was clenched. He was steeling himself against her, but she knew she had to press on. “Do you love her?”

He blinked. It wasn’t what he had expected her to say. She saw his eyes moving rapidly as he thought of an answer, which he gave in a low voice. “That is none of your business, Pam.” It was a weak answer, and she could tell that he knew it.

“Do you love her, Jim? Do you love her more than me?” Pam’s anger and frustration had turned to tears that streaked along her cheeks, but she managed to keep her voice firm.

Jim’s voice, on the other hand, was hoarse and soft. “I don’t- I don’t know. Stop this, please.”

Pam took a step away from Jim and wiped the tears from her cheeks with her hand. She looked up at him directly. She had to finish this conversation now that she’d started it. “I did love Roy when you told me how you felt, you know. I did love him, but not more than you. No one, nothing, ever, more than you. I was just too blind and stubborn to know it. It’s why I couldn’t marry him. It’s also why I couldn’t say anything to you before now; because I knew I had hurt you and I just wanted you to be happy.”

Pam put her hand on his arm. He looked at it as though he didn’t know quite what it was. “I don’t think you are happy, though. I think…I really think that even after everything, we could be happy together.” She removed her hand, took a deep breath, and stepped back toward the door. “If you aren’t in love with her, Jim, then it’s really not too late.”

Pam started to walk away. She was going to leave him to think, to decide, to digest what she’d said. She had just turned when Jim said her name, so quietly she almost didn’t look back. He looked determined and serious.

“I’m not in love with her,” he said.