To: Ladies of the Office

From: Pam

The Girl’s Party Planning Committee would like to invite you to the “official” Wedding Shower for Phyllis Lapin.

Time:  Tomorrow, 1 p.m. – 1:30 p.m.

Place: Women’s Restroom

Dress: Work attire is fine

Events expected: TP Wedding Dress, The Word Game, Purse Scavenger Hunt, gossiping about the guys.

Please bring: A gift for Phyllis, your purse, a pink box snack, and a good attitude!

Tomorrow’s excuses will be:

Kelly has to go to the bathroom

Meredith has to see Kelly about a supplier relation communication problem

Phyllis wants to get her hair ready for the Michael Bridal Shower

Angela wishes to speak to Toby about Kevin’s off-color jokes

Karen has to go to the bathroom

and I am going to get a soda

Once it’s over, if anyone asks (do they ever?) tell them you started chatting “with some of the girls” about Phyllis’ (Michael) Wedding Shower and lost track of time.

Karen was the last person to nip into the bathroom which meant that she and Pam were the only ones standing.  The restroom was decorated in baby blue and white streamers. There were bridal bells hanging from the mirror and a new potpourri of white gardenias had been set on the table. Romantic vanilla candles burnt merrily on the sink counter. One of the dining room chairs had been brought in and decorated for the guest of honor, a glowing Phyllis.

Stacked on the table were small presents that could easily be hidden in  a purse. Karen brought her be-ribboned gift out and looked nervously around the room. This was her first official invite. She had not been invited to the Thanksgiving or Christmas “official” parties. She hoped to make a good impression.

Kelly was already pouring champagne and orange juice to make mimosas. The champagne had been nipped from the office fridge. Michael never kept count of those kind of things.

As opposed to the homemade offerings of the regular office parties, each woman had brought a small pink box from Gertrude Hawk’s. Karen felt a delicious shiver of happiness when she drew her own pink box of peanut butter and chocolate Smidgens out of her purse and saw Angela’s small, small smile of approval.

Pam began the games. “Okay, everyone, this is Phyllis’ big day and we know that Michael is going to ruin it. So first up, I am handing out Bridal Bingo cards. Phyllis gets first pick. It’s just like Bingo. At the wedding tomorrow, you want to get as many ‘Michael ruined it’ moments crossed off as possible. The prize is this lovely…” Pam pointed at Angela who modeled an adorable gift basket, “basket from Pemberley’s Tea Shop. Angela was kind enough to buy it last weekend when she went on a tour of Amish Country.”

Meredith and Kelly gasped “Oooooh!” while Pam handed the bingo cards to an eager Phyllis. Phyllis looked through each one carefully before choosing, “This is the one,” she giggled, “Right down the middle -- ‘ruins photo shoot’, ‘ruins walking down the aisle’, ‘free space’, ‘ruins toast’, and ‘ruins wedding cake’.”

Pam nodded seriously, “That’s a keeper all right.”

The rest of the bingo cards were handed around and Kelly was furious at hers. “Oh. Come on, guys! How is Michael going to ruin the bouquet toss? Guys can’t even enter!”

Pam laughed, “Well, maybe if you get Ryan out there, Michael will follow….”

Meredith was grinning, she was pretty sure Michael would “ruin the bride’s first dance” and “ruin the receiving line” somehow.

“Okay,” Pam sipped her mimosa before the next game, “next up is the TP bridal dress. Angela has gotten more of that nice quilted stuff that we hide from Creed. Don’t forget to put whatever’s left back up in the ceiling when we’re done, Meredith.” Meredith nodded. Pam continued, “Um, okay, we’re going to make a bridal dress for Phyllis. So Phyllis if you could stand in the middle of the room. We’re going to make a dress and Angela will take a photo at the end with all of us as your bridesmaids.”

“What will we do for bouquets,” Kelly asked with concern.

Karen spoke up, “I know how to make roses out of napkins. Do you want me to get the napkins out of the conference room?” She smiled shyly when everyone agreed enthusiastically to her proposal. Karen smiled all the way to the dismal conference room as she remembered Kelly’s ‘Karen you’re a lifesaver!!!!!’

“…and then Oscar said, ‘Kevin, you have the smelliest feet of any man I know!” And I was like ‘Oscar, you are so right! They are smelly!’” Angela told the other women as she twirled toilet paper around Phyllis’ arm. She was in charge of Phyllis’ left sleeve and collar.

“I miss him! He always stood up for us against Michael,” Meredith said as she taped another piece to Phyllis’ back. “Do you want a big bow back here, Phyllis? And does Jim EVER stand up for us? I thought when he was made Assistant to the Regional Manager that things would change.”

“Oh my gosh! I know!” Kelly agreed. She was doing Phyllis' skirt and kept getting in everyone’s way. “I have gone to Jim a million times since he got back and every time I say, “Jim! Michael said the meanest thing to me! And you know what he does? He makes that dopey face and spreads out his hands like ‘what can I do about it?’ I swear he and Ryan are cut from the same cloth! Both of them are terrified of Michael. That’s why I like Dwight. Dwight will stand up to Michael and call him on his bullshit…sorry, Angela.”

“Yeah, but only when Dwight thinks it’s bullshit….sorry, Angela. Which is almost never,” Meredith chimed in.

Pam was doing Phyllis’ front and Karen, who was doing the right sleeve, watched Pam for her reaction to their trashing Jim. She thought she could see a shadow of something crossing Pam's face, but it was just that, a shadow. Karen shook her head. She wished she knew if Pam had feelings for him. She should just ask her. But not here, not in front of her co-workers.

“Cheese!” The women smiled as they had their picture taken with a poofy-pillowy Phyllis.

Kelly hugged the bride, “I think I’m going to cry! You are soooo pretty and this isn’t even your real dress!”

“Okay, okay,” Pam poured another mimosa, “Time for Purse Scavenger Hunt. Whoever finds the most items from this list in their purse gets to keep these Champagne Glasses that we’re using today. I got them at The Bon-Ton!”

The winner was Angela who had a nail file, a mini-flashlight, a screwdriver, a bottle opener, a rain hood, a mirror, a 50 cent piece, a seashell, a battery, and a sewing kit. Kelly poured her another virgin mimosa to celebrate. Kelly’s virgin mimosas were only ½ orange juice, ½ champagne.

“Presents!” Phyllis squealed. While Phyllis was unwrapping her little gifts, the other women snacked down on the pink box chocolate. “Oh my!” Phyllis lifted up a silver thimble that had ‘Phyllis Vance’ engraved around the rim. “Thank you, Angela, isn’t this nice!”

Next she opened a gift that was sent from Margery. “Ooooh! Um? How do you put these on?” She held up two little circles of fabric with tassels on them. Meredith snorted and everyone else giggled madly except for Angela who looked perplexed.

“Next!” Pam giggled before Angela had time to ask what the items were.

Phyllis unwrapped Karen’s gift, “Oh! How pretty! So tasteful! Thank you, Karen.” She smiled graciously at Karen as she held up a small cut-crystal frame in the shape of a heart. Kelly let out an “oooh!” while Pam patted Karen’s knee to show she had done a good job. Karen breathed a sigh of relief.

“Good lord, Meredith! I uh don’t know what to say.” Meredith had filled a box with assorted condoms. Kelly lifted out two that were in pink foil, “Look at the variety!” Karen covered her eyes with her hand and looked over at Pam.  She could see Pam was biting the inside of her lip to keep from laughing. But both Pam and Karen lost it when Angela said, “Well, really! They’re going to be married. Why will they need to use them?”

Phyllis quickly opened Pam’s gift next. She happily lifted it out of the box and said, “Oh! How sweet! I’ve never seen anything like this at the store! Where did you get it?” It was a small box of tea-rose guest soaps that were monogrammed with the initials P & R in flowery Victorian script. Pam smiled and said, “I’m so glad you like them”. She thought it best not to say that this was one of the things that she had ordered for her wedding with Roy. Phyllis’ main wedding gift was going to be a silver tray that Pam had not been able to return for a refund. One more memory of Roy gone, she thought.

Finally, Phyllis opened Kelly’s gift, “Oh, it’s so big! Look how big it is!” She lifted out a giant faux diamond ring. Kelly clapped her hands and said “It’s a paper weight! You can put it on your desk! To hold down papers!”

“Not a good idea, Phyllis,” Angela said. “I hate to rain on your parade Kelly but you know that Creed will try to steal it.”

They all nodded. No one decorated their cubicles with anything really nice. First of all, Michael had a tendency to break anything when he was playing football and secondly, well, Creed.

“These were all so very lovely. Thank you so much. This was really nice,” Phyllis gushed as she picked the last chocolate-covered cherry out of the box.

Pam spoke before anyone could start to stand, “One last thing! I’ve been taking notes of everything that Phyllis said while opening her gifts. Now I’m going to tell you, based on that, what she will say on her wedding night…” She broadly winked at Phyllis.

            She read off the list in a girly, breathless voice, “Oh my! Thank you! Isn’t this nice!” Pam had to stop reading for a few seconds to stop her giggling. Even Angela was hiding her smiling face behind her empty Mimosa glass. Barely maintaining control, Pam continued, “Oooooh, um? How do you put these on?” Meredith snorted. “Oh how pretty! So taste-full!” Karen gasped and covered her red face. Phyllis was pink and peeking out between her hands.

            Kelly giggled, “That is sooo naughty! Keep going!”

            Pam continued in a sexy, throaty voice, “Thank you.” She switched to surprise, “Good lord! I don’t know what to say!” Meredith was laughing so hard, no sound was coming out and tears were streaming down her cheeks. Pam went back to her sexy voice, “Oh, how sweet! I’ve never seen anything like this at the store! Where did you get it?” And finally, clapping her hands, Pam squealed, “Oh, it’s so big! Look how big it is!” At which point even Phyllis broke down laughing.

            Each of the women hugged Phyllis as they left the party. As Meredith was lifting up the ceiling panel to hide the toilet paper, Phyllis said, “How bad do you think Michael’s bachelor party will be for Bobby?”

            Pam put a reassuring arm around Phyllis, “Absolutely awful. We should have made a bingo card for poor Bob.”

            Phyllis fingered her champagne glass and in a teasing voice asked, “What would you have put on the bingo cards?”

            Pam considered, “Let’s see. Dwight orders a monkey stripper, the stripper is a one-legged midget, uh,  Michael puts his foot on the Foreman Grill again, Michael tries to make Ryan be the stripper… that’s just off the top of my head.”

            Meredith sat down on the sink counter and said, “It’s the price Bob has to pay to marry the nicest person in the building.”

            Phyllis blushed and hugged Pam and Meredith. “Okay,” she whispered, “back to the coal mines.”