“Jim dumped me.” They were hardly words. They were more like muffled sobs spoken into the forgiving fistful of his oversized handkerchief.

Dwight nodded and tried to think of something intelligent to say. He settled on the only common bond shared by all office staff everywhere: bears.“The woman fixation with teddy bears and Pandas is well-documented. They think a Giant Panda is cute, but fact, it is not. It is a very unstable animal. A panda reacts violently when stressed.”

Karen stopped crying for a moment. In confusion, she blearily looked at Dwight, “What?”

“Jim,” Dwight explained slowly. Obviously, crying women had slower brain power. “Girls think he’s ‘cute’ and ‘sensitive’ and ‘nice’ because he’s sluggish and eating all the time, but he’s not stable. He’s like the Giant Panda.”

Karen looked at Dwight for a few moments. “Are you saying he dumped me because he was stressed by a stupid job interview?”

Dwight considered this for a few moments. “No,” he said firmly.

A small growl escaped Karen’s throat before she stood to leave both the break room and Dwight’s presence.

“I’m saying Jim was stressed because he knew he was going to be fired,” Dwight finished.

Karen plopped back down in her chair. Clenching the handkerchief, she exclaimed, “Fired!”

“Of course. I was going to fire him as soon as I became Regional Manager. If only Michael hadn't turned down his lover's ex-position. If I had known, I would have tried out for Jan's job. Now the Ryan wild card has been played, I assume nepotism got him the position.” Dwight paused.

Karen threw him a lifeline, “Jim?”

“Exactly. Jim knew he’d bomb that job interview no matter what he did. He just went to get out of doing work for a day. He’ll do anything for a free trip to New York. Like when I paid him to help me take my beets.” Dwight lightly punched the vending machine next to his chair.

Karen blinked several times before saying, “Oh-kaaay… your beets?”

“He didn’t tell you. It was one of his greatest victories,” Dwight scowled as he massaged his bruised hand.

Karen’s voice was suffused with anger even though it was barely a whisper, “No, he didn’t tell me, but… he didn’t tell me a LOT of things.”

Dwight looked surprised, “He didn’t tell you about his trip to New York with my beets?” Karen shook her head.Obviously, Dwight didn’t believe her, “He didn’t tell you? Are you sure?”

“I’m sure, Dwight. Beets and New York, never heard it,” she wiped the last tear from her cheek.

Dwight abruptly stood up, “Look, I’ve got to get back to work. Return my handkerchief after you’ve washed and ironed it. Don’t forget the starch.” He was gone. 

She knew she should go back to work, but the thought of sitting there staring at him, glowing after his first date with Pam… she couldn’t do it. It was eating her up inside just imagining what they must have done last night. Less than a week ago she had been in his bed and now, for all she knew, Pam was enjoying that honor. She wondered how soon Pam would walk in wearing his engagement ring. Her stomach roiled at the mere thought of it.  

Ten minutes later, Karen was still hunched over in the same chair in the break room. Dwight’s handkerchief was a sodden mess. Her entire body tensed when she heard the door open behind her. She relaxed when Toby walked by her to get a soda out of the machine.

He looked over at her as he put in his dollar bill. He looked at the hanky conspicuously gripped in her hand. As he bent to retrieve the soda, he quietly asked “Tough day?”

Tears welled up in her eyes. She took a deep breath and said, “So what’s this about Beets and New York?”

Thoughtfully, Toby opened his can and sat down across from her, “Did Darryl say something?”

Karen was about to say ‘no’ and then realized that it didn’t really matter as long as he was talking and not her. “Yeah,” she lied.

He let out a sigh and said, “It was no big deal. We were at his cousin’s place. Just watching Buckaroo Banzai. Ever seen it?”

Karen shook her head ‘no’. She liked romantic comedies and foreign movies. Two more things she did NOT have in common with Jim Halpert.

“Wherever you go, there you are,” Toby intoned mysteriously before taking a sip from his drink.

Karen ignored the cryptic remark, “Beets?”

“Right. We were watching the movie when Dwight calls Darryl’s cell. He’s looking for Michael... And this is like midnight,”  Toby looked at the wall as if trying to fathom why Dwight thought it was perfectly okay to call someone at midnight.

Karen was confused, “Why did he think Darryl would know where Michael was?”

“Because we’d all gone to New York together when Michael renegotiated his salary,” Toby explained.

“Oh,” Karen thought about this. It was obviously the wrong beet story. Dwight had said it happened before she came to Scranton. So there were TWO ‘New York Beet’ stories. She realized that before she came to Scranton she had no beet stories.

Toby continued, “All I could hear from the other side of the room was Dwight screaming ‘beets’, ‘beets’, ‘beets’. For the rest of the movie, I was expecting Perfect Tommy to pull out a beet-firing bazooka…”

Karen broke in before he could finish describing a movie she had no desire to see, “You know Dwight’s fixation with beets might be…”

“Grounds for termination? I’ve tried. Believe me.” Toby sipped his soda and didn’t elaborate.

Karen completed her thought, “No, I meant a tad Freudian. He’s one of the most repressed people I’ve ever met.”

Toby looked stunned, “I don’t think repressed is a word I’d use with Dwight. I don’t think he represses much. If you want to call someone repressed, look at Paaa…Angela.”

“Oh yeah, definitely,” Karen agreed as she smothered the desire to discuss Pam’s supposed repression. “Imagine if those two got together. Dwight and Angela.” The look of horror on Toby’s face was enough to make Karen smile.“You never know,” she teased lightly, “It could happen.”

Toby wouldn’t give her any quarter, “Hell would freeze over first and Michael would grow a brain.”

Karen didn’t laugh but Toby could see the muscles relaxing in her neck. “Finish the story about Dwight and his beets in New York,” she commanded.

In a bland voice, he said, “I guess Michael had promised to visit Dwight’s beet farm.  Dwight’s family was freezing sitting out in this field at midnight waiting for him to show.

Karen shuddered, “Dwight has a family?”

“Supposedly. Ryan met his brother or something. He wouldn’t talk about it. Kind of scarring,” Toby said sympathetically.

Karen’s stomach protested against the imagery and to control the bile rising in her throat, she quickly changed the subject. “So where was Michael? Was he with you guys?”

Toby looked around as if expecting Michael to pop up from the floor like Banquo’s ghost. “Hell, no,” he whispered. She couldn’t help laughing. She’d never heard Toby curse before, ever.He smiled, “Dwight eventually found him on a playground outside Mount Cobb.”

“Mount Cobb! What the hell was he doing in Mount Cobb?” Karen was shaking her head in disbelief.

“No one will ever know. He was strung out on sugar. Dwight found twenty Laffy Taffy wrappers in his front seat. His face was smeared with the stuff. Personally, I think getting the raise went to his head,” Toby’s hand covered his smile.

Karen tried to imagine eating that much Laffy Taffy in one go, “Seriously, Michael should not be let out in public.”

Toby stood up, “In a perfect world…”  He paused before leaving as if considering something. Without looking at her, he said, “If you need to talk about anything, I’m always available. Just let me know.”

“Thanks,” Karen said mechanically. She didn’t turn around to watch him walk out. 

It was fifteen minutes later and Karen still hadn’t moved. She was folding Dwight’s handkerchief into squares and considering where Jim took Pam on their date last night. Was it Cooper’s? Was it Cugino’s? Or did they go straight to his bedroom and have champagne in bed while Jim did a striptease?
Karen unfolded the cloth square and tried to make an origami swan. The wet cloth would not cooperate.   

Once again the door opened and once again her body tensed.“Oh my god! I totally didn’t know you were in here! If I had known, I sooo wouldn’t have come in here,” Kelly’s high-pitched voice bubbled on.

Karen tensed even more, “Yeah. I was just about to leave.”

Kelly exclaimed, “Me, too!” Karen waited for the door to slam shut so she could get up and leave. There was no sound for a brief moment. “I just remembered something,” Kelly stage whispered as she came further into the room.

Karen rolled her eyes before thanking the stars that Kelly couldn’t see her face. In a syrupy sweet voice, she asked, “What’s that?”

Kelly sat down right next to Karen and grabbed her hand before saying, “We’re like sob sisters! Both of us got dumped on the SAME day! How uncool is that? I think this building is cursed!”

There was a moment where Karen thought she was going to lose it and punch Kelly in the face. Using all her self-control, she muttered, “This whole town is cursed!”

Kelly nodded wholeheartedly and gripped Karen’s hand harder, “Don’t you feel like you can’t ever cry again because all your tears are used up? It’s like when Lindsey broke up with Wilmer, everyone was like ‘NO!’ and now look at her! On drugs, in rehab, and her hair is just AWFUL!”

Karen tried unsuccessfully to remove her hand. Desperately, she said the first thing that popped into her head, “Yeah. I was in New York and I saw Pink getting out of a limo.”

Kelly’s screech nearly broke Karen’s eardrums, “What! No way! You’re lying! What was she wearing? Who was she with? Did you talk to her?”

Kelly was pumping Karen’s hand feverishly. With violent force, Karen ripped it out of her grasp.Karen didn’t mask her contempt as she said, “I’ll tell you everything, if you’ll tell me about New York and Dwight’s beets!”

Kelly wailed, “But I don’t know anything about his stupid beets and New…”  Her voice trailed off. She held up her hands and crossed her fingers “You have to swear not to tell anyone EVER!”

Karen stared at Kelly’s crossed fingers and had to bite the inside of her lip to keep from giggling madly. She wondered if Kelly knew that by crossing her fingers she could break any promise.Solemnly, Karen crossed her fingers and said, “I promise never to breathe a word.”

Kelly nodded, satisfied. “Ok,” she started, “This was before I was dating that asshole, jerk, dickface, loser, scum, crapmaster, Ryan.”

Karen smiled and said, “Go on…”

“I had this teeny tiny little crush on Dwight,” Kelly’s voice was, for the first time in Karen’s recollection, barely audible.

It was definitely loud enough for Karen to respond, “WHAT!”

“Shhhh… I was 24, wearing my auntie’s hand-me-down uglo-outfits, and horny as hell. Don’t judge me.” Kelly said all of this with the haughtiest look on her face.

The shock in Karen’s voice was palpable, “But… Dwight? I mean, come on! Why not… Toby? Or, or… Kevin?”

“Toby has that stupid kid, Kevin was dating some girl, Stanley was married, Creed was… well, Creed. And I thought Jim was gay,” Kelly looked guilty when she said this.

Karen laughed, “Oh my god! I totally thought he was gay, too, when I first met him. He was always making these faces like Jack on Will and Grace!”

Kelly giggled, “I know! I told everyone that I had a gay friend at work and then it turned out to be Oscar!”

Karen marveled at the way the universe worked, “But wait, what does this have to do with beets in New York?”

Kelly looked abashed, “Ohmigosh! It was soooo embarrassing. Dwight told me that pickled beets were aphrodisiacs and I totally believed him. So when I had to go to this New Years’ Party in New York, I asked him to go with me!”

“Because you wanted to get naughty…” Karen could not complete the sentence. She just could not complete it.

Kelly nodded seriously, “Totally. I was in total ‘get a man, any man’ mode. I would have done Michael, I was that desperate.” Karen’s repulsed face spoke volumes.

Kelly reiterated, “Don’t judge me. I said I was desperate. So anyway, he agrees to go because I said it was a safety issue. He shows up with all these farming tools and I’m like, ‘what’s up with the rake and the shovels’, right? Like ‘are you going to murder me on the way to New York?’ I mean you can’t be too careful, right?” Karen nodded dubiously.

“So he said,” Kelly leaned in to whisper this next part, “That when I said I wanted him to bring the beets with him, he thought I meant to plant them in New York. I was like ‘Where are you going to plant a beet? At the top of a skyscraper?’ He said, and this is when I knew he was sooo stupid, he said ‘You said the party would be near Madison Square Garden, so I thought we could plant them there.’ Well, I laughed and laughed at him and said Madison Square Garden isn’t a garden. So he said we would have “to agree to disagree” and went off in a huff. What sucks is I had to go to the party with no date and everyone was like ‘where are the beets, babe?’ because they wanted this aphrodisiac that I had promised them. I finally chopped up a salami I found and put it in a jar and told them it was pickled beets. I didn’t know what else to do.”

Karen considered the story. “Was this before I started working here?”

Kelly nodded, “Oh yeah, it was ages ago. The salami worked, everyone was making out in no time.”

Karen looked at Kelly suspiciously, “And how was Jim involved?”

“He wasn’t,” Kelly said in surprise. 

It was forty minutes before Kelly left. During those forty minutes, five people started to come into the break room and thought better of it when they saw the two sob sisters inside. One of those people was Jim.  

Karen had decided to move chairs so she could see who was coming into the break room. She had given up on getting any work done and was just waiting out the clock. She knew at five Jim would be leaping out of his chair so he could drag Pam off to his car where they could make out in the back seat. Or maybe he’d take her down to the warehouse, so they could make out on Roy’s old forklift. Yeah. They’d like the poetic justice of that. She was half expecting to find them going at it on her own desk when she walked out. Well, she wasn’t give them the satisfaction. She was going to stay right here until the cleaning crew came in.  

Karen looked up to see Angela staring through the window at her. Karen returned her glare. They had never really gotten along since that stupid Christmas Party. That stupid Christmas Party where Pam had fake acted like she wanted to be friends.

Without speaking, Angela opened the door, walked straight to the candy machine, and started feeding it coins. A Babe Ruth fell down. She put in more coins and another candy bar fell with a thunk.

Knowing it was snarky, Karen said it anyway, “Trying to gain weight?”

Angela reeled around, “Excuse me?” They were polite words but they weren’t said politely.

“You’re going to get fat, eating that many candy bars,” Karen pointed out.

Angela looked Karen up and down and in a snide voice said, “I’m sure Jim left you because he’d had enough of your milk and was looking for a new, nicer cow.”

Karen sucked in her breath, before exhaling the words, “You bitch.”

Offended, Angela threw out one last salvo before grabbing her candy bars and leaving, “Really, I’m surprised he didn’t leave you sooner.” 

Karen was still crying when a livid Dwight strode into the break room. He stared at her for a few seconds before accusing her, “Stop the fake tears, missy. How dare you call one of Dunder Mifflin’s top accountants a dirty word!”

Karen continued to cry as Dwight bounced from foot to foot unsure of his next move. After a couple of minutes, Karen whispered, “I’ll go apologize.”

Dwight nodded smugly, “I’m glad you’ve come to your senses.”

Karen dabbed at her eyes, “On one condition.”

“A manager never agrees to demands,” Dwight intoned from his autobiographical manual on Paper Industry Management.

“I just want to know the New York beet story,” Karen made sure not to look at Dwight as she begged.

Dwight hesitated. If he didn’t tell her the story, Angela would think he didn’t try. He sighed. “Okay,” he said, “But you have to swear not to tell anyone. Especially Michael. Or… any of the accountants.”

Karen readily agreed, “No problem. I know what you mean. You tell Kevin one thing and he’s got it on his Blog before you’re done talking.”

Dwight gave a peculiar little smile, “Exactly. Okay. This is what happened no matter what Jim says. He lies all the time.” 

“Yes, he does,” Karen said grimly.

Dwight acted as if she hadn’t spoken, “Okay, through a series of events Jim had led me to believe we were living in 1974.”

Karen covered her eyes with her hands, “He’s so immature.”

“Yes. So he showed me some 1970’s newspapers that showed beet prices were higher than they are now. We were going to go to New York to sell them to the highest bidder. He showed up at my place in a VW Mini-Van. I don’t know where he got it, probably one of his loser friends…”

Karen didn’t say anything. She knew one of his loser friends did have a VW Mini-bus.

Dwight continued in a horror-stricken voice. “He leaps out with these curling irons and says I have to have the right ‘look’ to sell my stuff in New York. Because it’s more hip there. Not like Scranton. So he makes me put on these pleated polyester pants and this t-shirt with a unicorn on it. I should have known it was a joke. And then…”

Karen prodded him, “And then?”

Dwight gritted his teeth, “And then he took the curling iron things and this stuff, I don’t know what it was, jelly stuff. Anyway, he said that the most hip guys have afros.”

“Oh, Dwight,” Karen placed a soothing hand on his shoulder.Dwight brushed it off, “So we drove to New York listening to this radio station. I found out later it was an AM station devoted to 70’s rock. I thought it was… never mind. So we get there and he dumps me out of the mini-van and…”

“And…” Karen whispered.

Dwight slammed a chair into it’s place under the table. “I found out later there was some Hippie Rally going on for the legalization of Marijuana. I didn’t find out it wasn’t 1974 until that evening. I had to hitch a ride home with some Grateful Dead groupies from Punxsutawney,” he paused for breath. “When I got to work the next day, Jim had used all the beets to make a trail from my desk down to the warehouse coffee maker… which was filled with beet juice.” 

“He should have been fired for that,” Karen said in a steely voice.

Dwight shook his head, “I’ve filled legal pad after legal pad with evidence of his incompetence and Toby never does a thing.”

Karen crossed her arms defensively, “I’m ashamed that I ever dated him.”

“Well, you didn’t know,” a mollified Dwight said.

Karen held her head up high, “I’m going to go apologize to Angela right now.”

“Thanks,” Dwight smiled faintly. 

Karen was busy typing at her computer. Every now and then she cocked a disdainful eye in Jim’s direction. If she had known what he was typing on his computer, she would have been feeling a little less superior.  

To: Dwight Schrute
From: Jim Halpert 

Thanks man. Which beet story worked? 

To: Jim Halpert
From: Dwight Schrute 

Do I have to fix all your messes?  

To: Dwight Schrute
From: Jim Halpert 

Of course. Next up: what are we going to do about Kelly?