When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

He took a deep breath and turned his key in the lock.
 
She was sitting on the couch and didn’t turn when he came in.
 
Music was playing softly in the background. He recognized it as a CD she had burned years ago. They’d listened to it on the plane on their honeymoon. It looped endlessly as they drove the U-Haul to California.

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

She used to play it sometimes when he got home late from work and the kids were already asleep and she'd be waiting for him in bed with nothing but a smile and a glass of wine.
 
He hadn’t heard it in a while but he knew she liked to pull it out when she was feeling nostalgic for the past. He hoped it was a good sign. His shaky legs felt a little steadier.
 
She spoke quietly, still facing the fireplace, “I arranged sleepovers for all the kids. We need to talk.”
 
“Yeah, we do. We have for quite a while now.”
 
She sighed deeply, “I know. It’s all my fault. I’m not sure why I do these things to you…” her voice caught and trailed off to barely a whisper.
 
He moved towards the couch, “Stop, Pam. It’s all right.”
 
She turned to him then, agitated. “No, Jim! It’s not all right! That’s part of our problem -  you’re always trying to make everything all better. And sometimes you just….” She threw up her hands in frustration, “…you just can’t!”
 
He was caught off guard and got defensive. “So it’s my fault now?” He was standing right in front of her now.

She sank back a bit, voice deflated. “No, but my god, I mean at first it was so comforting to rely on you. My dependable Jim.” She allowed herself a half-smile, “My knight in shining armor.” Then her voice dropped lower, “But then it all changed.”
 
“What changed, Pam?”
 
Her voice was steady and even. “When I started getting sicker. I got scared and I….thought I was going to die.”
 
He had never wanted her to think about death. He never wanted to acknowledge it in his own mind either. His voice cracked, “Pam….”
 
“No, Jim, I thought I was going to die and you were doing so well at taking care of things like you always do. Holding everything together. The kids, the house, me… maybe I just started to pull away so you could get used to it…”
 
“Used to what?” He whispered, looking down at her sadly.
 
“To living without me.”

Jim breathed in sharply and closed his eyes. She knew it had lingered in the back of his mind, always, but he felt like he shouldn’t bring it up around her. She knew it as well as she knew her own thoughts.

“I just felt so broken. And you didn’t see me as any different from before. And maybe I needed you to acknowledge that I was different.”
 
“You weren’t any different to me, Pam.”
 
“But Jim, I FELT different! Then I couldn’t justify what you saw with what I felt inside. And I began to shut you out. Because you didn’t seem to understand how I felt.”
 
That got to him. “Didn’t understand how you felt? Pam, I almost died once too, remember!”
 
“You were in a coma! You didn’t experience the feeling of your body failing you! You didn’t stare death in the face and see it coming for you!” she wailed.
 
“Pam…..”
 
His legs buckled and he sank down into the love seat facing her. She stared at her hands in her lap. He saw tears drip down her cheeks and fall. The coffee table lay between them  like an unbreachable chasm.

Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how do you feel?

“Pam, what about the... are you having an affair?” his head was dizzy just saying the words. He didn’t want to know the answer.
 
She looked him steadily in the eyes. “Jim, I want to be truthful with you. I’m so tired of all this space between us.”
 
“Me too...” he said resignedly, already fearing he knew the answer.
 
She took a deep breath, “I met someone in my support group.” Then she couldn’t meet his eyes. His head slowly dropped to his chest. “I thought he understood me – what I was going through. I thought if I pulled away from you, you would get used to me being gone. You could be happy. Maybe even find somebody else…”
 
“Pam...”
 
“No, let me finish. I wanted you to find somebody else. Somebody who would be around for the rest of your life. Someone to love you. And the kids too. And I would have him. I mean, have him to talk to and to share what I was going through with.”
 
“Pam, I…” he croaked, unable to get any other words out.
 
“No, Jim, I didn’t cheat on you. Not physically anyway. But I guess I was emotionally unfaithful to you.”
 
“When I asked you before why didn’t you tell me? Why did you let me think…”
 
“When you said it out loud I guess I realized how much I had broken off from you and confided in him and I felt so guilty – so bad, god, so many things...”

She leaned forward and said quietly, “Maybe for a second I had hoped you would ask me so I could say yes. To make a final break that I couldn’t make from you otherwise. So you could be happy and get on with your life with someone else.”
 
“Pam, you know I could never be happy with anyone else.”
 
He could see the tears welling up again in her eyes. She stretched out her hand to him. Without hesitation, he took it in his.
 
“I knew it. Deep down I always knew. Even when I was trying so hard to pull away. Anyway, when you asked me if I was having an affair, I felt so guilty. I don’t know how I let it get so far. So I went to see him.” She gently placed her other hand on his and said slowly, “And he tried to get me to stay with him.”
 
She winced as Jim inadvertently tightened his grip on her hands in response. The next words she said clearly and slowly.
 
“Jim…. he kissed me.”
 
A thousand thoughts passed through Jim’s head. Starting with the first time he had kissed Pam. He felt sick.
 
He tried to pull away but Pam knew him so well she already had a firm grip on him.
 
“Jim, look at me.” His eyes slowly met hers again. “I know exactly what you’re thinking. He kissed me but it wasn’t like that. I didn’t kiss him back. As soon as he did it, it felt completely…. “ She shook her head, “Just so wrong. I told him I never wanted to see him again. And I came back here. To you.”
 
She rose up and went over to sit next to Jim. He was crying softly. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled his head down to her breast. She cradled him and rocked him back and forth. Soothing him as best she could. Soothing him as she knew he would do for her. Had always done for her.
 
Tears ran down her cheeks as she rubbed his back and he sobbed into her.
 
“I am grateful for one thing, Jim.”
 
He looked up at her then and she saw the same mix of raw pain, pure love, and complete anguish she had seen in his eyes the last time she had kissed one man when she belonged to another. But the last time had led to the greatest happiness she had ever known. This time she had hurt him even though she had vowed never to do it again.

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
 
“I’m grateful because it helped me to remember everything. Like how much I love you. Like how we promised never to take each other for granted. But I have been taking you for granted. And I promised myself that I would make up to you for all those years I tried to deny what we had together. I guess I haven’t done a very good job lately….” she trailed off.
 
“It’s okay, Pam…”
 
“No it’s not. Not at all. I’m sorry. I love you, Jim.” She whispered in his ear. “I’m so sorry. So very sorry. Can you forgive me? Please?”
 
He didn’t look up then but he nodded into her. She started kissing his face softly. She kissed his cheek, rubbing her lips over the slightest bit of stubble, then she moved up into his hair, breathing him in. She hadn’t been this close to him in months and suddenly she was hungry for his touch.

Touch your lips just so I know
In your eyes, love, it glows so
I'm bare-boned and crazy... for you.
 
She cupped his head in her hands and turned his face to her. She said emphatically, “I love you, Jim Halpert. I love you and I don’t want you to ever have to doubt that again.”
 
He leaned forward and brushed his lips over hers making her shiver the tiniest bit. “I love you, Pam. I can’t lose you.”
 
He wrapped his arms tightly around her wanting only to let her know how loved she was.
 
“You won’t. I promise,” she said, nuzzling his neck. Her pulse raced. She ran her tongue up to his ear where she whispered “Will you take me upstairs and make love to me? Please? I just want to feel alive again, Jim. Can you make me feel alive?”
 
“That’s what I’m here for, my love.” He smiled and took her in his arms, carrying her upstairs.

And for the first time in months he felt able to breathe.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you