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Author's Chapter Notes:
A long time ago on TWoP, I suggested an Out Of Character Bad!Fic. It occurred to me recently that April Fool’s Day is a good day to have the Office characters act like they would never act and say things they would never say. Here’s a series of Out Of Character Talking Heads, each one unrelated to the others.

Jim Halpert, new salesman, after a lunch out with receptionist Pam Beesly at Cugino’s

Yeah, lunch was nice. But it turns out she’s engaged. Plus, she kept yapping at me, like we were soulmates or something. Still, I’d totally do her if she had bigger boobs. I like ‘em really big, like…cantaloupes, or those nice round watermelons. As it is…eh. She doesn’t really do it for me.

Creed Bratton, Quality Assurance

I travel around a lot to check on the quality of Dunder Mifflin’s paper. It’s an important job; recently I found an indecent watermark before it had a chance to go out. That would have been a disaster. Anyway, the traveling gives me the chance to talk to people about my real love, philanthropy. My current charities are March of Dimes and Invisible Children. I’ve raised and donated thousands and thousands of dollars. I sleep really well at night.

Michael Scott, Regional Manager

I run a pretty tight ship around here. I think it’s important that we come in, focus on the job to be done, and then get home to our loved ones. I love putting in a good hard day at work and then going home to my wife and my kids. Married 12 years. Best 12 years of my life. So far.

Kelly Kapoor, Customer Relations

I don’t understand those women who always need to be dating someone. I’d rather stay in on a Friday night and curl up with a good book than be out at a party with some guy. Books are better companions than most guys anyway. Scrapbooking is a fun thing to do on a Friday or Saturday night, too. Or a Scrabble party with my girlfriends.

Stanley Hudson, Sales

You know, the thing I like best about work is the people. I like to get my calls done as fast as I can, and then just hang out with my buddies at work. I don’t get those people that are always on the phone all day – “I gotta sell more!” – what’s with those people? They should kick back and enjoy life.

Angela Martin, Accountant

People always think accountants are all uptight and rule-oriented, but we’re actually a lot of fun. Oscar and Kevin and I laugh constantly. They are so nice. I feel really fortunate to work with such great guys. I hope things work out with Oscar and Gil, too. It’s so nice when people find each other.

Kevin Malone, Accountant

Work is fine. You know, it’s work. Some of the people, though – they’re just, well, there’s no politically correct way to put this. They’re just low-class. One of the men, I won’t say who, had something pornographic on his computer screen one day. There’s just no need for that sort of thing, you know? If you have to look at that kind of filth, do it at home. But it’s better just not to do it at all.

Roy Anderson, Warehouse Worker

Pam and I have been married for five years now. We were high school sweethearts, and as soon as I got enough money together for the rings, I proposed. Our wedding was great. We planned the whole thing together in about three months. It was a lot of work to do it that quick, but when you know it’s right, why waste time, right?

I’m going to school at night, and as soon as I get my Bachelor’s Degree I’m going to look for a better job so Pam doesn’t have to work when we have kids. I can’t wait to be a dad.

Meredith Palmer, Supplier Relations

No, I’m not married. I never found the right guy, you know? Plus a lot of them seem to be after one thing, and I believe in waiting until after you’re married. I did have a boyfriend once, but it turned out that his idea of a good time was going out to bars or sitting in front of a ball game drinking beer all day. I had to break up with him.

Jan Levinson, housewife in stretch pants

I’ve been a competent, hard-driving business woman. Now I’m a crazy girlfriend who tapes sex and then critiques my partner afterward. Plus I got a boob job to win back a guy. It’s way too late for Too Late Kev to write “out of character” for me; the writers have already done that.

Andy Bernard, Sales

Where did I go to school? Um, I don’t really like to talk about myself much. It was a good school; I was really happy to get in, and I worked really hard. I got my work ethic from my dad, you know, get where you want to go through hard work. That’s how I got through high school, that’s how I got through college, and that’s how I get through life. Anyway, sorry -- I didn’t mean to go on like that.

Toby Flenderson, Human Resources

Yes, I asked Pam out. I was giving her a little time after the breakup, but she was talking to Kelly about a blind date, so I figured enough time has passed. She seemed a little hesitant, because we work together, but I was persistent. I’m not worried. She’ll fall for the Toby mystique. They always do. It’s only a matter of time.

Oscar Martinez, Accountant

I’m kind of the Latin Lover of the office. I start out asking them to dance at a work party, and before you know it, we’re back at my place doing the horizontal mambo. I just love women. They can’t get enough of me, either, so it works out.

Dwight Schrute, Sales

I guess I’ve never had a lot of self-confidence. My cousin Mose is the flashy one, and I’ve just always felt so ordinary. I’m working on it, though. For instance, I’m trying to put more forcefulness and charisma into my sales calls. This year I hope to be number three in the Scranton office – just watch!

Pam Beesly, Receptionist

Jim’s kind of cute. I told him I was totally open to a thing on the side with him, but he said no. Probably just as well. Roy would find out and cry like a baby, like that time he walked in on Darryl and me. Roy’s so damned sensitive. I'd dump him, but the sex is really good. I’m talking really good. Actually, I’ll bring in a tape. You’ll see.

Chapter End Notes:

 

My betas had nothing to do with this silliness. I thought I'd give them a break; they've had a lot of work with all these holiday stories. Thanks to them in general, because they're wonderful.

I did leave out a few people. Phyllis's character is always coming out with bizarre stuff; like Jan, I didn't feel I could get 'out of character' with Phyllis. And Ryan -- wow, I can't write Ryan. I can't get into his head in character or out.

Also, I know that Michael has a TWSS in his TH. This is OOC Michael, who wouldn't even know what TWSS is. ;)

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.



Too Late Kev is the author of 22 other stories.

This story is part of the series, Holiday: Just One Day Out Of Life. The previous story in the series is Easter: Eggsact Position -- Schrute Farms. The next story in the series is Passover: Blame it on the Manischewitz.

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