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When I walk out of Michael's office later, actually feeling relieved to have this shitty job still, she's tugging on my hand and I turn to face her. I love our height difference sometimes, she doesn't make me feel awkward and lanky (unless she's teasing me about that directly, but I love it still). I feel like sometimes she's looking up at me and I feel a little protective. Right now, her big eyes are searching mine, probably wanting to know what happened --

"What happened?" she asks, her fingers curling around mine.

I'm totally aware that I need to brush her off right now. Thought you didn't want me around? is all I think, and even that thought makes me feel like a dick. Stop it, look how cute she is and she's holding your hand, and aren't you pretty much hopelessly in love with this girl yet?

I soak up the feeling of her small hand around mine and then snag it away while she's still talking. I win Ass of the Day award when I make my way toward the kitchen.

I can't help it. I just like her way too much, to the point where I'm starting to wonder if I really do just love her yet. Because for me, the feeling of her going anywhere -- that includes her being married -- physically hurts. It physically affects me, and that makes me so nervous. When did I let it get this far? Why is she always teasing me like this? I've always been a sucker when I like a girl, yeah, but I'm a smooth guy usually. She makes me trip on myself, and all these little things about her, and as much as I can enjoy just having a crush on a girl, that's not what this is anymore. Every time I see that damn ring on her finger or her buffoon of a fiance, I feel like it's just a matter of time before... No, it's not a matter of time because she's with him right now. Someone already has her...

And as much as I'm hopeful, eternally optimistic about things that maybe I shouldn't be, I have to be smart at some point. Sometimes to get me to sleep, I have to remind myself that there are billions of women in the world and if Pam's not it, then there's someone else out there or maybe hundreds that are right for me. Somehow, it's enough to get me to sleep, but Pam's always in my mind last.

I see her standing in the middle of the room, dumbfounded after I leave her there, and she's twisting the ring on her finger and looking around. Just twist it until it falls off, breaks in half, rubs the gold away, melts away, disappears, something.

This feels like the first time I've ever been close to mad at her. I just want something from her that she can't give me, I guess. I want her completely, and you don't get that with friends, because friends eventually do marry off and love someone more than you. And that's totally fine, but not with this one. I need all of her and someone else found it first.

I just want something unexpected, that's what it would have to be. She's nowhere near leaving him so I'm nowhere near having her. Something unexpected. My mind starts to hurt from it all.

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