10 [Report This]Date: April 03, 2011 08:51 pm Title: Everyday Love
I know this story is pretty old but I still wanted to say how great I think it is. Also, for being insecure about Jim and Pam's banter you did a truly amazing job with it. It seriously sounds to me just the way they banter on the show. For not being sarcastic or witty, you write sarcasm and wit extremely well. ReALLY GREAT JOB WITH THIS!
8 [Report This]Date: September 02, 2009 11:44 pm Title: Daddy's Girls
one thing i did notice: after the "mary tyler moore" moment, (adorable, btw), you suddenly change from past tense to present.
10 [Report This]Date: September 01, 2009 04:06 pm Title: Everyday Love
me likey :o)
Jim started to put down the receiver when she added, "Oh and my back hurts, you make dinner tonight."
Click.
that made me giggle.
10 [Report This]Date: August 31, 2009 09:10 pm Title: Daddy's Girls
"One of your girls had an accident" Pam said, her head motioning toward their guest.
Jim's eyes went wide, "Pamela!" he faked surprise.
heeeeeeeeeeee....
Date: June 21, 2009 04:46 pm Title: Daddy's Girls
adorable! that's all i've got for you!
10 [Report This]Date: November 28, 2008 12:17 pm Title: Daddy's Girls
Now that's sweet. I love me some fluff, and Daddy!Jim fluff is the perfect kind of fluff. Loved the part where he was teasing Abby. That's cute. Awesome job.
10 [Report This]Date: October 07, 2008 09:42 pm Title: Daddy's Girls
One of my favorite Jim/Daddy fics, perfection!
9 [Report This]Date: August 19, 2008 06:04 pm Title: Daddy's Girls
Awww that was so cute and fluffy eek :)
10 [Report This]Date: August 12, 2008 02:09 pm Title: Daddy's Girls
that was fantastic!!!
so beautifully written! like poetry!
Author's Response: Thank you! what a lovely compliment. I love getting reviews for stories that are years old...sometimes I forget about them. :o)
8 [Report This]Date: April 25, 2008 10:37 pm Title: Daddy's Girls
That was funny. I can't believe that sneaky Abigail tried to steal Jim's fuzzy.
Date: February 09, 2008 12:14 am Title: Stuck
LOL this was great. I laughed, I cried, I was frustrated for Jim and Pam...and that last line was wonderful. +)
10 [Report This]Date: May 28, 2007 12:48 pm Title: Daddy's Girls
Oh. Beautiful. I absolutely fell for this story.
Date: April 30, 2007 08:39 am Title: Everyday Love
I think this is so cute. I loved how Jim switched it up on the phone when Dwight called him out...I don't know why but I did
I hope you'll continue!
9 [Report This]Date: April 25, 2007 10:04 pm Title: Everyday Love
This is too cute. I don't like country music, but I think I have to break that rule for this song. seriously, very cute, very well written!
Date: April 25, 2007 05:10 pm Title: Everyday Love
i think you did a good job with the banter. it was very sweet and believable. and what's not to love about pregnant jam? :) great job.
Date: April 25, 2007 01:06 pm Title: Everyday Love
I think it's nice. Since you really want constructive criticism, I'll go through with a fine-tooth comb. I didn't find too much wrong, certainly, and remember, these are my opinions only.
There literally was no way he could love her any more. You want to be really careful with the word "literally". Love is subjective, and "literally" is such an objective word, so to me, they don't go together.
he always burnt them - I think the past tense verb is "burned" and once you've burned the waffles, they are burnt. (Burned a verb, burnt an adjective.) Wouldn't bet my life, but I think that's the case.
But apparently she did it in a "special" way. - This last sentence of this paragraph doesn't fit as well, I think. It seems like the "voice" of the paragraph is switching from Jim to Pam, but then the "apparently" just seems to not fit. I know I'm not describing it well, but maybe something like: But he insisted that she did it in a "special" way would work?
As much as I like allusions to pregnancy, you have a lot of them in here. He thought he should let her sleep, they needed a sandbox (way too early BTW if she hasn't even had the baby!), she hugs him and she's further away. I would go with something simpler, like specifically saying why she's sleeping later. Otherwise, it's kind of cutesy and heavy-handed (Have you figured out she's pregnant yet? Now have you?)
All the way from the penguin joke to the hormones I really like a lot. It's a typical moment, too, to deliver the waffles or whatever that you've just prepared for the other. Mr. Kev and I do that all the time.
Normally, I don't like music lyrics in stories, but yours work beautifully. I think you've kept them short enough and pertinent as well, which is not the case in many stories. So, kudos there, to make that look good to me, when I don't usually like it!
I thought it was not very realistic to have Pam home for 5 weeks before she's due, especially since it's clear from Michael she's planning to come back to work. In my experience, women tend to work until there's a valid reason from the doctor to stop, otherwise they aren't likely to get paid for maternity leave. Even if you end up quitting after, you still get paid for the maternity leave I know it differs from state to state and company to company, but still... I digress, but my point is, you may want to say something like "in the last month since the doc signed off on her disability". (Say it better than that, though, because that's not great.) Also, unless you have a scheduled C-section, babies are often a couple weeks late. Few people stop work so early.
that creeps me out so bad - I would try "that totally creeps me out"; I think it's more Pam-like. (Again, IMO.)
"I brought dinner." is fine, but it would be cuter/more Jim-like (?) if it were "I made dinner." or "Jim Halpert's Chinese Cuisine" or something with a little more oomph. (Hey, how's that for specific?) Other than that, the whole arriving home section is just lovely and sweet.
So, there you go. Next time, you could say, "let me know of any problems you found... except you, Too Late Kev." and I'll know to shut... it (/Michael).
Author's Response:
Holy freakin cow. Can I first say thank you for taking the time to do that, my word. I will fix the grammar mistakes and the timeline problems right away. I wasn't trying to be tricky about the pregancy thing, I just always feel weird writing factual statements like, "Pam was pregnant." And maybe the sandbox isn't for the baby...Jim enjoys a good sandcastle to calm him down after a rough day.
But seriously, thank you so much. It really means a lot to me that you took so much time to help out.
~Shannon
Date: April 25, 2007 11:31 am Title: Everyday Love
Completely and utterly adorable. :)
Date: February 11, 2007 08:42 pm Title: Daddy's Girls
She holds him tight and she knows, this is how it's supposed to be.
::sigh:: this IS how it's supposed to be!!!! PLEASE NOTIFY NBC! Ugh...Loved it! More please. ;-)
Author's Response: I'll get right on it... and Im thinking of turning this into a series, youre not the only one who has asked for more, so I'll see what I can squeeze out of my brain
8 [Report This]Date: February 08, 2007 01:33 pm Title: Daddy's Girls
AWWWWWWWWWWW. O this is so sweet. So warm. Loved his teasing his daughter about the "fuzzy". Loved his catching the kiss and returning it later. The thing about Jim I love the most is the hint of domesticity beneath the surface, that this is an ordinary guy looking for an ordinary life with a family and a woman he loves. He has always struck me as the kind of guy who would be more focused on his family than his career, who would make a great dad. Thanks for fleshing out (ahem) my fantasy Jim.
Author's Response:
I always got that vibe from him...or at least I wanted it. Seeing him with Sasha and stuff...what a cutie
thanks for reading!
10 [Report This]Date: February 08, 2007 05:56 am Title: Daddy's Girls
i didn't review this yet? unbelievable.. you know i love me some jam, and i love babies. and then you give me not just jam, not just jam and a baby, but jam and TWO babies? i love you. i really really do.
Author's Response: thank you starshine! I love you too!! :)
Date: February 07, 2007 08:02 pm Title: Daddy's Girls
This was the sweetest thing ever! Pam and Jim and two JAM babies - who could ask for anything more. And the last line was just beautiful.
Author's Response: I am so glad you said that! I was really worried that my ending was too cheesy, but the other night when i really was up to my elbows in spaghettios and ready to cry I wanted to have that in the story somewhere and have Jim make everything alllll better
Date: February 07, 2007 01:48 pm Title: Daddy's Girls
Oh, I love me some Jam babies. Fighting over the fuzzy was so cute it made my teeth hurt!
Author's Response: the question is...who doesn't love Jam babies?
10 [Report This]Date: February 07, 2007 07:32 am Title: Daddy's Girls
Eeeee, so cute and precious!!
"That's my fuzzy!" made me giggle.
Author's Response: yay, I love causing giggles...thanks for reading!!
Date: February 07, 2007 06:26 am Title: Daddy's Girls
This is a cute story. If you can muster up another chapter, that would be cool...very good!
Author's Response: I have a few ideas...so we'll see...thanks for reading!
Date: February 07, 2007 05:14 am Title: Daddy's Girls
aww, it is sweet. and that is a very weird logic, pants, shirt then tucking in.
Author's Response: That was based on real life, my boyfriend dresses this way and I really don't understand it...hah