5 [Report This]Date: December 06, 2006 12:33 pm Title: The Moment Jim Realizes He Is Still In Love With Pam
this was cute, but i really think you could use a beta ... a lot of homonyms were switched around and made this kind of hard to read.
Author's Response: Just edited it some. Different ending, and grammar is fixed.
Date: December 06, 2006 11:29 am Title: The Moment Jim Realizes He Is Still In Love With Pam
I think this needs one more run past a copyeditor. Too many little niggly things threw me out of the story: "challange" instead of "challenge", "Saturday's" instead of "Saturdays", "hiking her skirt up so lightly" instead of "slightly", "Yea" (pronounced Yay) instead of "Yeah", "gentle" when you mean "gently", "sneazing " instead of "sneezing", "looked passed it " instead of "past it", "lieing " instead of "lying", etc. Most of these could have been fixed with a simple spelling check. Missing commas, absent periods...I had some trouble figuring out who was speaking when, and what they were trying to say. One or two such errors could be overlooked, but when I am brought up short time after time like this, it makes it hard to concentrate on the story.
I love these lines: There were no copies of that smell anywhere in the world. And at that moment his heart was filled with want. The kind you forget to breathe over.
Besides the sensuality of him smelling Pam (which I love), I like the parallelism you captured between him smelling the sweater and him forgetting to breathe over her.
when I picked it up, all that was there was you. I can't stop you, Pam.
Wonderful way to put this.
there was the spark he'd been looking for.
Yeah, we're all waiting for that spark to come back!
Good luck with this, and thanks for posting it.
9 [Report This]Date: December 06, 2006 09:49 am Title: The Moment Jim Realizes He Is Still In Love With Pam
aaww, so cute. i noticed that, too, that karen seems to be the one initiating everything with jim. he just doesn't seem to get that exited about her. and he kinda strikes me as the kind of guy who when he's into it, he's REALLY into it (like going home happy even though he lost his biggest sale just because *someone* slept on his shoulder for like, 5 minutes).
7 [Report This]Date: December 06, 2006 09:25 am Title: The Moment Jim Realizes He Is Still In Love With Pam
You've got a good idea here, and some nice characterizations. There are some spelling and "flow" issues that would probably be simple to take care of with a beta reader or just another pass through it before posting. I really liked this line, though: It was now or never, again.
10 [Report This]Date: December 06, 2006 07:46 am Title: The Moment Jim Realizes He Is Still In Love With Pam
Awwwww that was so precious and wonderful. Loved it. *sigh*
10 [Report This]Date: December 06, 2006 02:48 am Title: The Moment Jim Realizes He Is Still In Love With Pam
"We broke up, well I broke up with her. She was just a cookie."
Haha! Aww, I like flustered Jim! This was way too cute!