ACT THREE
INT. Main Office, DWIGHT’s Desk
The Act opens up with a tight shot of DWIGHT at his desk. He is concentrating fully on his work, and is on the phone. After a second or two, the camera zooms out to show that he is the only person in the Sales section of the Main Office.
CUT TO: INT. Break Room
The Break Room is filled with the other members of the Dunder-Mifflin Sales team, and several other employees. PHYLLIS and STANLEY are sitting together at a table. To their right are CREED and JIM, who are sitting at a separate table. ANDY is standing leaned up against the drink machine anxiously, and KELLY is sitting by herself at a table eating a salad.
ANDY
(fidgety)
Alright [beat] what if we light his car on fire?
There is a general shocked reaction at ANDY’s words in the Break Room.
JIM
Um, I don’t think we need anything that extreme.
ANDY
Yeah, but it would get him away from his desk.
JIM
True, but—
CREED
(interrupting)
Look, Bernerd, if you want this guy taken care of…
(conspiratorially)
just slip a little something in his coffee.
(gives ANDY an understanding glance and head nod)
ANDY
(looks at CREED thoughtfully)
But he only drinks water.
CREED
Is it clear?
JIM
(looks at camera curiously, and then to CREED)
The water?
CREED
(looks over to JIM)
Yeah.
ANDY
(slightly confusedly)
It’s water.
CREED
(leans back in his chair in thought)
Okay, clear [beat] hmmm, I would go with Lysergic acid diethylamide.[beat] I have some in my desk, but it’s gonna cost some pesos.
JIM
(waving his hand dismissively)
Ok, no. I don’t [beat] let’s not poison Dwight with whatever that is, or
(sighs)
light his car on fire. Um—
Both CREED and ANDY react negatively to JIM’s words.
PHYLLIS
(interrupting)
But even if we can get him away from his desk, we still don’t know his password.
There is a silence as everyone (except KELLY who continues to eat) ponders the obstacle.
JIM
I’ll call Pam, she’s with Angela. [beat] So, maybe uh, Pam will know it.
There is a collective nodding and agreement about JIM’s plan.
STANLEY
We still need a way to get him off that thing [beat]
(looks over at ANDY)
that isn’t crazy.
ANDY
(exasperatedly)
I’m sure he has car insurance.
KELLY
(interrupting)
What are you guys talking about?
Everyone turns to look at KELLY who is still eating, but now looking on with some interest at the proceedings.
JIM
Uh, well Dwight’s computer is the only computer that isn’t crashed, and we all need it to make sales calls.
KELLY
Oh [beat] so what, you need him, like distracted or something?
JIM
(slightly annoyed)
Yeah.
Everyone turns back to continue their conversation and planning. While they do, we see that Kelly reaches beneath the table and takes out her cell phone, opens it, and presses a button.
PHYLLIS
What about if we pulled the fire alarm?
JIM looks at the camera despondently.
JIM
Yeah [beat] I don’t think…
KELLY
(interrupting and talking into her phone)
Hey sweetie. Can you do me a favor?
(listens to the phone)
Yeah. Can you call Dwight and tell him there is, like, a problem with a shipment or something and you need his help?
The camera zooms out a little to see the shocked reactions of the Sales team.
KELLY (cont.)
(listens to phone)
Thanks.
(smiles)
I’ll see you later. Okay, bye.
(closes phone and looks over at everyone, who are already looking at her in stunned silence)
KELLY (cont.)
What? [beat] Dwight is gross.
CUT TO: INT. Main Office, DWIGHT’s Desk
The scene is much the same as opened the Act, however this time after a second or two, the phone rings. DWIGHT immediately answers it. As he does, the camera zooms out slightly, and we can see JIM, PHYLLIS, STANLEY, and ANDY attempting to walk covertly back into the office in the background.
DWIGHT
(into the phone)
Dunder-Mifflin, Dwight K. Schrute.
(listens into phone)
What?
(seriously and slightly panicked)
How did this happen?! No. I’ll be right down!
Without another word, DWIGHT taps quickly on his keyboard, gets up from his desk, and attempts to walk as fast as he can (without running) out of the office. The camera pans to watch this, but then swings back to the Sales team, who are also watching DWIGHT, and hurry to his computer as soon as he leaves. ANDY sits down at DWIGHT’s desk, PHYLLIS and STANLEY stand close by, and JIM sits at his desk. He picks up the phone and dials PAM.
JIM
Pam? Hey, uh, I need your help.
CUT TO: INT. Great Wall Chinese Restaurant
PAM is standing at the buffet, with her plate sat down on it, and the phone to her ear. Throughout her conversation with JIM, the scene will toggle back and forth between the two of them. “CUT TOs” are assumed.
PAM
Jim? What [beat] with what?
JIM
Do you know Dwight’s computer password [beat] or…
(looks over at DWIGHT’s computer where the other three members of the sales team are looking at him expectantly. He continues in a slightly lower voice)
know someone who might?
PAM
I thought you knew it. Wasn’t it like something to do with Lord of the Rings? I mean, you’re the expert on that.
(smiles)
JIM
(smirks into phone)
Yeah, okay, but what about now?
(turns in his chair to look towards the entrance to Dunder-Mifflin)
I don’t know how much time we have.
CUT TO: INT. Warehouse, DARRYL’s Office
DARRYL is sitting in his office eating a roast beef sandwich, chicken wings, and watching television. From out of frame, DWIGHT runs into focus, and stops in front of DARRYL breathlessly.
DWIGHT
What’s the problem?
DARRYL
(looks away from the T.V. and to DWIGHT, while continuing to eat a chicken wing)
Yeah [beat] one of your orders got messed up.
DWIGHT
(hurriedly)
You already said that. What’s the problem specifically?
DARRYL
Yeah, well, the shipping number, that, uh, you put in the system was incorrect.
DWIGHT
Impossible. [beat] What buyer?
DARRYL
Oh. Uh, it was, um, for Frobisher and Jones.
DWIGHT
(narrows his eyes intensely)
That’s Phyllis’. [beat] Did Jim call you?
DARRYL
(takes a bite of his roast beef sandwich casually)
No, Jim didn’t.
DWIGHT
Then someone did?
DARRYL
(stops mid-chew)
Uh…
Without another word, DWIGHT takes off, and the camera follows him out of DARRYL’s office enough to see him running back up the stairs. It then swings back to DARRYL.
DARRYL (cont.)
I should probably call Jim.
CUT TO: INT. Main Office.
The scene is the same as before. JIM remains on the phone, while ANDY is hunched over DWIGHT’s keyboard. STANLEY and PHYLLIS hover over him expectantly.
ANDY
(frustrated)
No, ‘goldenhair’ didn’t work.
JIM
(frowns into phone, and then speaks into it)
No, didn’t work.
Just as JIM is about to speak again, we see DWIGHT stride back into the office. As he does, everyone scrambles to react. ANDY leaps out of the chair, and back to his own. PHYLLIS turns around and sits at her own desk, and STANLEY pretends to look at something on DWIGHT’s desk (as he is not about to move quickly)
DWIGHT
(stops in front of Reception and points)
I knew it! I know what you did!
JIM
(still on the phone)
Uh [beat] I don’t know what you mean.
DWIGHT
I saw you [beat] all of you.
(walks quickly over to his desk and computer and sits down while continuing to glare at the other salespeople)
My password is uncrackable. You’ll never guess it.
JIM
(looks over at DWIGHT questioningly)
Um, don’t know what you’re talking about [beat]
(into the phone)
No. He’s [beat] yeah.
(smiles)
Well ‘blondiesundae’ is funny.
DWIGHT looks over at him intensely.
JIM (cont.)
Yeah, I gotta go. Bring me some egg rolls.
(hangs up phone)
CUT TO: INT. Great Wall Chinese Restaurant
PAM is where she was before, at the buffet and on the phone.
PAM
(smiling)
I will, see you.
(hangs up phone and puts it in her pocket)
PAM grabs her plate, and the camera follows her as she walks back to the table, where JAN and ANGELA are both sitting quietly. They each look at PAM and the camera when she sits down.
JAN
So [beat] I was telling Angela that Sephora has finally opened a store in the Mall. I think we should go. Might be fun.
ANGELA looks over at PAM disdainfully. PAM notices, but refuses to meet her glance.
PAM
Oh. [beat] Yeah, that could be.
JAN
Its just, when I lived in New York and was feeling, you know, I’d go to Madison Avenue. So [beat] this is kind of the same.
(inhales deeply)
ANGELA
Well, I buy my makeup from Sears. And I don’t use much.
JAN
(doesn’t notice ANGELA’s tone)
Oh sure, but trying something new might make you feel better.
(smiles)
ANGELA
Excuse me?
JAN
Look, Angela, we’ve all had bad breakups. God, I mean, I’m divorced. But [beat] if you put yourself out there, you can find a guy.
PAM is visibly uncomfortable at this point, and is playing with the food on her plate and not moving her gaze from the table. ANGELA is frozen, but is staring at JAN, who is still looking congenially at both PAM and ANGELA.
ANGELA
(turning slowly in her chair to face PAM, and said in a low voice)
Pam. Can I please talk to you privately for a moment?
PAM
(still looking at the table, but now nodding resignedly)
Yeah…
The camera cuts to PAM and ANGELA standing near the door to the Women’s Bathroom talking. It is seen through a long zoom from the middle of the restaurant.
ANGELA
(angrily)
What did you tell her?!
PAM
(defensively)
I didn’t tell her anything. I think Dwight must have told Michael about you guys.
ANGELA
(sighs deeply)
I don’t [beat] what do you do with a man who just doesn’t understand no?
PAM
(thoughtfully)
Well, with Roy—
ANGELA
(interrupting, and speaking to herself)
Well, I know what you’d do. Start dating the nearest person to you. But..
PAM
(interrupting annoyed)
Hey. [beat]
(accusatorily)
You did the same thing. You’re dating Andy.
(defensively)
And it’s not like that anyways.
There is a brief pause between the two women. ANGELA remains flustered, but PAM goes from annoyed to thoughtful, as though she’s just figured something out.
ANGELA
(not noticing the shift in PAM)
Andy and I are different. We’re discreet.
PAM
Yeah, but…
(stops and looks over at the table where JAN is eating by herself)
everyone knows.
ANGELA
(to PAM, who is no longer paying attention)
Well, we had to sign an HR contract, if that’s what you mean.
PAM
No [beat] it’s not….
(begins walking back to the table)
CUT TO: INT. Break Room
ANDY and KEVIN are sitting at a table together. ANDY has his cell phone out.
ANDY
(to camera)
It is time for Plan C. Or, actually, Plan A [beat] for Andy.
KEVIN
(nodding agreeably)
Are you going to light his car on fire?
ANDY
(looking over to KEVIN)
No, Jim won’t let me. But, I still have an awesome idea. It’s foolproof.
(punches a phone number into his cell, and smiles as he brings it to his ear.)
KEVIN
Are you calling the fire department?
ANDY looks over at KEVIN confusedly.
ANDY
(into phone)
Hello, is this Mose Schrute?
(listens to phone)
Yes, this is [beat] Rufus Shandy with the Lackawanna County Sanitation Department.
(smiles at camera)
KEVIN
Jackpot.
(smiles)
CUT TO: Main Office. JIM and DWIGHT’s Desks
JIM and DWIGHT are both sitting at their respective desks. DWIGHT is typing on his computer diligently. JIM is throwing sharpened pencils at the ceiling.
JIM
(stops throwing and looks over at DWIGHT)
Is it [beat] ‘I-love-gandalf-xoxo’?
DWIGHT
(annoyed)
No.
JIM
Hmmm. How about ‘care-bear-storm-cloud’?
DWIGHT
No. And stop asking me what my password is.
(looks at camera)
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]
I learned my lesson before when Jim guessed my password. Now, I’ve made sure it has nothing to do with science fiction or fantasy. [beat] It wasn’t easy. There are a lot of options from Star Wars, Star Trek, Stargate SG-1, Stargate: Atlantis, Farscape, The X-Files, Doctor Who, Babylon 5, Battlestar Galactica, The Lord of the Rings, Firefly, Lost, and [beat] obviously Xena: Warrior Princess.
(smugly)
They’re never going to figure it out.
CUT BACK TO OFFICE
DWIGHT’s phone rings, and he quickly answers it. In the background we see ANDY, who is sitting at his desk, turn discreetly to eavesdrop on the conversation.
DWIGHT
(to phone)
Dunder-Mifflin, Dwight K. [beat] Mose?
(listens to phone)
Wha-calm down! What are you doing calling me at work?
The camera pans over to see JIM who is looking at DWIGHT with confusion. He then looks over at the rest of the office, and fixes his gaze upon ANDY. The camera pans over to show ANDY smiling and giving JIM a thumbs-up. It then moves to DWIGHT who is listening to his phone.
DWIGHT
(into phone)
What sanitation code? One-five-nine-four-dash-eleven? Hold on.
DWIGHT puts the phone on speakerphone, and reaches into one of his desk drawers.
MOSE
(all dialogue on speakerphone)
Is she there?
DWIGHT
(still rifling through his drawer and responded to absent-mindedly)
Who?
MOSE
Pamela. I liked her. She looked soft.
The camera pans over to JIM, who is looking very surprised at the phone, and then up to the camera.
DWIGHT
(finally pulls a volume out of the drawer and puts on his desk)
No she’s out with Angela.
(opens and begins rifling through it, searching for something)
MOSE
Monkey?
DWIGHT
(stops flipping and looks at camera worriedly for a split-second)
No, Mose [beat] there aren’t any monkeys in Scranton, remember? No more talking about them.
(arrives on a page, and flips back and forth between it for a second)
There’s no code with that number [beat] not even close.
(angrily)
You are sleeping under the porch if you are lying to me about this, Mose!
MOSE
I’m not! Rufus Shandy called! He said we’d be condemned!
DWIGHT
(stops and squints his eyes in thought)
There is no Rufus Shandy in the Sanitation Department.
(looks over at JIM)
Did you do this?
JIM
(puts his hands up defensively)
I’ve been at my desk.
DWIGHT spins in his chair to face STANLEY, PHYLLIS, and ANDY.
DWIGHT
(addressing the three)
Whichever one of you did this, you failed. You can’t outsmart a Schrute!
MOSE
(interrupting worriedly)
Where are we going to poop?!
Quickly, DWIGHT spins back around, and turns the speakerphone off.
CUT TO: INT. Great Wall Chinese Restaurant
ANGELA, PAM, and JAN are all sitting back at the table, eating quietly.
PAM
So, Jan, how do you like living in Scranton?
JAN
Oh, well it’s not New York. But, uh, it’s nice.
(smiles)
PAM
Yeah, I bet New York is really great.
(smiles)
JAN
Yeah, it is. But [beat] Scranton is a fresh start, you know? No glass ceiling, not as much pressure, no enemies or anything.
(stops and looks at ANGELA)
Oh. Um, I mean [beat] I didn’t mean…
ANGELA
(matter-of-factly to JAN)
I don’t know what you think…
PAM
(interrupting)
Yeah, speaking of enemies, uh, Angela’s ex was a
(tries to think of a proper description)
um, bad guy.
ANGELA looks over at her angrily, but PAM looks back to her with an overly sympathetic face.
JAN
(nods)
Yeah, that’s what Michael told me. Guys can be such bastards, especially ones like your ex, Angela.
ANGELA continues to look generally pissed, but doesn’t say anything.
PAM
Yeah [beat] exactly.
(mimics)
Ones like your ex.
(nods her head)
Did Michael tell you how he broke up with her?
JAN
(interested)
No, he didn’t. He just said that he traveled a lot, you know, because of the schedule.
At JAN’s words, ANGELA goes from angry to confused, while the camera picks up the traces of a smile on PAM’s lips.
PAM
Yeah, I guess his schedule was crazy [beat] but I mean, that’s no excuse.
JAN
Yeah, if a guy likes you, he’ll make time. Plus, they’ve got an off-season, right?
ANGELA
What?
JAN
An off-season, you know, when they don’t play. They can’t play hockey year-round [beat] I don’t think. Plus, how many games can the
(says it mockingly)
Wilkes-Barre Penguins have? Right?
At this revelation, PAM begins to smile, though she is trying to contain it, while ANGELA is visibly upset.
ANGELA TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]
(indignant)
It was humiliating! I’m not some cheerleader tramp or hussy. I am involved with Andrew Bernard [beat] that is all. I have never been involved with anyone else in this office, or in this town, or on any professional sports team.
PAM TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]
I knew it! I did!
(smiles)
Yeah, I guess Michael didn’t tell Jan the real reason why he wanted her to meet us for lunch, so he made one up. [beat] Um, which was apparently that Angela had just broken up with a Penguins hockey player. I, uh…
(chuckles to herself and looks at the camera)
would not be surprised if the sequel to ‘Threat Level Midnight’ somehow involves an ice rink.
(becomes serious)
Uh, but, yeah, to answer your question [beat] it was really awkward, and I do feel bad for Jan. I guess [beat] I'm just not surprised.
CUT BACK TO SCENE
JAN (cont.)
Are you okay Angela?
ANGELA
(angrily)
No. I am not ‘okay’. The only reason I’m here is a favor to you! Because Michael said that you were lonely, and desperate! I can’t believe [beat] I didn’t break up with anybody! [beat] And even if I did, it’s nobody’s business!
For the majority of ANGELA’s outburst, PAM returns to looking wide-eyed at the table, but she steals occasional quick glances at the camera. Meanwhile, JAN goes from confused, to angry.
PAM
(to both JAN and ANGELA)
Okay, look, it was just a misunderstanding. Let’s just [beat] forget about it, and, uh, go to Sephora [beat] in the Mall.
However, JAN is already reaching into her purse, and pulls out a twenty-dollar bill. She throws it on the table and gets up quickly and stalks out of the restaurant. The camera follows her as she goes out, and we see her fish her cell phone from her bag, and make a call. However she is through the doors before we can hear what she says. However….
CUT TO: INT. Chuck E. Cheese Play Room, Skee-Ball Lanes
MICHAEL is demonstrating his Skee-Ball technique to a six-year old girl, who is watching with great attention. As he does he turns and smiles to the camera. We see him bowl expertly, and his ball goes in the innermost ring. Just as he is about to reach down for the next ball, we hear his phone ring. His ring tone is ‘Black Horse and Cherry Tree’ by K.T. Tunstall. He picks it up.
MICHAEL
(into phone)
Hello
(his reaction changes from happy to scared as he listens to the phone)
Oh.
(looks at camera)
I’ve got to take this.
MICHAEL scrambles out of the frame.
END OF ACT THREE
TAG
INT. Main Office
It’s the end of the day again. However this time, we see JIM and PAM leave together, along with everyone else in the office, except CREED. After everyone else is gone, the camera switches to a view of the office from the Conference Room, through the blinds. We see CREED reach underneath his desk and take out an afghan. He wraps it around himself, and walks over to DWIGHT’s computer where he sits down. The camera zooms in as he types ‘lovemonkey’ and presses Enter. The desktop comes on, and CREED leans back in the chair and begins a game of Spider Solitaire.
END OF EPISODE
