5

How the hell did I miss this gem a month ago? Wonderfully evocative. I do have a bit of trouble picturing Jim as a writer; it somehow doesn't seem to fit him. I suspect he would make mixtapes and she would draw, but hey, whatever. In any case, the metaphor works out to a fine conclusion, which I thoroughly enjoyed. Loved your use of language in lines like:

the wind blows away his smell.

That kind of sensory/sensual detail just makes a short piece like this. 

What he used to live for is now killing him slowly.

Killer line. No pun intended.

The bedside clock is a countdown to the unknown

Great image! 

Thanks for this. 

All around her, colors shone like emeralds, rubies, and sapphires. The light danced around her and she laughed with delight. Jim joined her inside the rainbow.

Uh. Okay. You do know that this is, literally and physically, impossible? Rainbows do not touch the Earth; they surround it. I guess as a fantasy this might work. *shrug* Just threw me totally out of the story, though. Sorry.

The slow burn started.

Boy, if "slow burn" doesn't describe the last 182 days, I don't know what does. Thanks for this. 

5

more passion in this strange dance that you've been doing with Pam than in the entire time that we've been seeing each other.

Brilliant! Very good insight into their relationship.

the door flies open and Roy is realizing that he probably should have come yesterday.

Perfect! Oh, poor Roy. 

10

Her frequency is suddenly an ancient useless thing.

OUCH. How very insightful and on target and painfully true. 

she thinks she sees something fleeting there that’s not quite memory. Then again, maybe not.

That line made me want to cry. 

He searches for the place where their points coincide...He comes up with excuses not to spend the night. She lets him go without complaint, and he feels like a heel. Her patience only makes it worse. He knows there’d be no question of leaving Pam to sleep alone. He’d sink in and stay. Never go. Just stay.

You and I are thinking along the same lines when it comes to Karen. In the fanfic I'm not writing inside my head, Jim never spends the night with her. Sex, yes, as a physical release of tension, and maybe some companionship (desperate man clutching at a life preserver), but never the connection he would have with Pam. 

In that moment, he knows that she knows; all the things they both wished they didn’t know creep out of the shadows.

*wince* Ow. Because you have said this so perfectly. What a terrible, painful, haunting moment. The kind that breaks a relationship but can't be spoken of.

‘Everyone has emotional baggage, Jim,’ she retorts. ‘But, it would have been nice to know I’d be dealing with an entire matched set.’

Wow. [/Jim] Brilliant. 

She’s forgotten whatever she meant to say. He hears her anyway. 

Yes yes yes yes a thousand times YES. This is exactly how they are; they don't talk about their feelings all the time. They just FEEL them. They LOOK them. They LIVE them. Thank you for not turning this into a dissertation on emotional distance. This is a wonderful story, Colette. A pleasure to read, as always, and as always, a wonderful read on Jim and Pam. Definitely going in the Favorites stack. 

loading his Trans Am’s sun visors with the leftover paper dots from every single three-hole punch in the entire office

OMG this is hilarious! Wonderful! 

“madwTr”

I don't actually think that's "Dwight" in Tengwar. It would look more like "ppwjp". At least if transliterated. I'm assuming you didn't actually translate it into Quenya. BTW, "Pam" would look remarkably like "Pm" when transliterated into the Tengwar system.

Oh, God, I'm channelling Dwight. 

With a quick glance around to check that no one is watching, he allows his head to drop to the top of hers, her hair warm and soft against his cheek

Squee!!! Lovely.

"Is it too soon to ask you to go home with me?" A lazy smile plays across his lips as they brush her skin.

"No," she breathes, her eyes falling shut. "Not too soon. About time."

"Jim and Pam going at it on the couch next to reception"

YO! Where's this story? 

He’s in the break room with Kelly when Jim comes in.

“Ryan I have to get back to work, but don’t forget to buy the tickets for Justin today okay? If him and Britney get back together and she’s at the concert and I miss it I will just die!”

The way this is formatted somehow led me to believe it was JIM asking for the tickets. Which was actually kind of hilarious, but not, I think, your intention. 

Your Ryan is dead on. Alas, so is your Kelly. :) (Boy, she can be annoying. And we love her.) 

10

I didn't figure out that the first sentence was a metaphor until I'd read it several times. Interesting that he goes to Thanksgiving dinner at Kelly's, at the same time he can't figure out how to separate from her. Ryan = conflicted. Well done.


Author's Response: Ryan just sort of goes along to get along and when his big plan to break free falls to hell, my guess is he'd throw up his hands and let Kelly call the shots again. Sort of, in her own Kelly way. Thanks neverenoughjam!

Hm. Okay, in the interest of improving fanfic, I have a couple of suggestions.

First, drop the ALL CAPS. They never work. No. Just...don't. Too distracting. When you post stories here, you have three other options available (bold, italic, underlined). Use them.

I can't see Jim bursting into tears of anger. Not in this scenario, anyway.

One thing kept bothering me all through this, and I finally figured out what it was: too many passive constructions. Go back and do a search for how many times you use the word "was", or a variation of the verb "to be". Use of the passive verb distances you from your story and your reader.  Contrast, for example, "Jim's frustration was echoing.." with "Jim's frustration echoed..." The latter is more immediate and direct.

"I contemplated all kinds of methods to get to you" just does not sound like Pam. Too formal and stilted for her, especially when she's pissed.

All the angels, with their trials of this love, and their obstacles that would test the faith of anyone, finally smiled down on these two who were so in love, there was mark in heaven for them. 

Oh, dear. No. This is just too treacly an image for these two. Sorry. Also, the last part of that sentence makes no sense.

I think this should have had maybe another draft. Just my opinion, though, and certainly worth as much as you paid for it--nothing.

Good luck. 

5

Swedge!!! Good to see you here. This was wonderful. I love Pam glaring at him. Yeah, I can totally see that, 30 years from now. :D


Author's Response: Thanks for the positive words, everyone. I had wondered if more than 1 or 2 people would even see it.